by Natalie Ann
“Open your mouth and start talking. How hard is that? I’m smarter than you think. I’m sure I can piece things together.”
She had no clue how hard it was for him to even do that. “Can we go somewhere private?”
He thought she was going to say no, but she sighed and said, “Let’s go down by the water and sit in the shade. It’s too beautiful of a fall day to be in the house.”
Following her to the water, he noticed she had her big floppy hat on again. He was coming to enjoy seeing it on her. In her eyes it was probably practical, but to him it showed her frivolous side. He was hoping to tap into that part of her nature right now. Anything to help dig him out of the hole he’d buried himself in.
She sat in one of the Adirondack chairs, and he sat in one opposite her. He opened his mouth but no words came out.
“If you can’t handle being with someone who has been tainted,” she started to say, “or has had her body pumped full of all sorts of chemicals and still has side effects from it, then just say it now.”
“What?! Why would you ask me that? This has nothing to do with what you told me this morning.”
“Because it wouldn’t be the first time someone said something similar to me. Maybe in not so many words, but the meaning was the same.”
“Then they’re a shallow excuse for a human being.” Who the hell would say that to a cancer survivor?
She crossed her arms and cocked her head at him. “Do I need to get a mirror for you?”
“Damn it. That’s not what I thought or how I feel.” He got up and started to pace. “What happened to you makes me ill. Not because I’m repulsed by it, but because it makes everything I’ve gone through in life seem minimal. When I was fifteen, I was counting down the days to go to college and get out of the small town I was in and away from everyone who thought ‘the brainchild’ was a freak.”
“Brainchild,” she said.
“Yeah. I’m smart, okay? A genius some have said, and they’d be technically right. I started college at sixteen, and because I was so young my parents made me start at the community college, then I transferred out of state the following year. It’s hard being different, but it’s nothing like what you went through, so I won’t even bore you with that. And that’s not why I left this morning.”
“Then why did you? Explain it to me, Caleb. Explain to me why I should even be giving you a fraction of my time. I opened my heart up to you and told you something I don’t tell a lot of people, and you just walked out without a word. What am I supposed to think?”
“I’m not strong like you, Celeste. I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you did it. It hurts to see someone go through something as bad as you and look at the world the way you still can.”
“Like what? What do I see?”
“You see hope, and possibilities. You’re grateful for what you had and what you have now, for what you can do for others. You put yourself last always. Hell, even strangers come first to you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. Is that a shot at my profession again? Always waiting on other people?”
This wasn’t going well at all. “No.” He ran his hands through his hair one more time. “My son died six years ago, Celeste.” She stood up and walked toward him, but he held his hand up. “No, don’t. I didn’t come here to get sympathy from you. I don’t want it from anyone. I just want you to understand that I’ve got demons of my own and I don’t know how to deal with them. I sure the hell can’t understand how you did at such a young age and with such grace.”
“Caleb,” she said, walking toward him again.
“See. You’re softening right now. You should be pissed at me, you should be swearing at me, and instead you want to comfort me. Don’t. I’m an ass and I know it. I keep to myself because it’s the only way I can handle it. I don’t do well around people because when they get close they want to know things about me.”
“And then you have to tell them about your son and you don’t want their sympathy.”
“No. I don’t want pity, either. I’ve gotten enough of it in my life. I just want to move on and I don’t know how to do that. I thought I was doing it here. I was trying, but this morning was too much for me. I’m sorry, Celeste. I need some time.”
“Time for what?” she asked.
“Time to see if my heart can open again. It hurts too much right now. You make me feel more than I thought I’d ever be able to feel again. I don’t know what to do about it.” He turned and walked away. “Come on, Sparky.”
The two of them drove home, his eyes burning now, as he wondered what he just threw away.
***
As much as Celeste wanted to go after Caleb, she didn’t. She couldn’t right then. She was still reeling from his confession. He’d had a son…and he died.
A child. Something she so desperately wanted but knew might never happen. The thought of losing one…it had to be devastating.
She’d seen what her illness did to her parents, but she survived. How much harder would it have been on everyone if she hadn’t? It didn’t bear thinking about it. Just a fraction of the thought filled her with pain deeper than anything she’d ever physically endured.
He was right; he needed time. But how much time do you give someone when it’s been six years?
She couldn’t save the world, not even a single person. She wanted to, and she tried, but some people just couldn’t be saved.
For now, she’d nurse her broken heart, knowing it wasn’t nearly as shattered as Caleb’s.
Helping Me
“Hey, Celeste,” Amber said. “How’s it going with our patient today?”
Celeste turned to see Amber walking in the door of the main house bright and early. “Pretty good. Quinn dropped off some soup for her last night and she seemed in good spirits.”
“She should be. She’s going to love the new her soon.”
“Do I even want to know what she had done?”
“She didn’t tell you?” Amber asked, smiling.
“I think she was in a bit of pain last night and just wanted to sleep. Of course, by the look of her face, my guess is she got a chemical peel?”
Celeste didn’t want to point out how painful it looked, or how nasty.
“She did. It’s painful after the fact, but she’ll love it when it’s done.”
“How long will her face look like that? And why did she fly here for it? Why not stay where she lived and just go home afterward?”
Amber laughed. “Because she’d had one done by Max before and loved the results. This time she also had a little bit of nip and tuck in various places, so she wanted him. You know, a Mommy Makeover. And yeah, staying home would have been better, but then all her friends would know what she had done. Instead, she’s booked here for two weeks and gets pampered by you, me, and Quinn. By the time she flies home, her face will be slightly red and she’ll tell everyone it was sunburn from hiking in the Adirondacks.”
“No one will fall for that, will they?” Celeste asked, wondering why anyone would go to such lengths to preserve their youth. Growing old was part of life. It should be cherished and honored, knowing you’re still alive and kicking.
“Probably not, but it will make her feel better and that’s all that matters, right?”
“I guess, when you put it that way.”
It just reminded her that everyone had to do what was right for them, what made them feel good, and what got them through the day.
A week had gone by since Caleb had dropped that bombshell on her. Sparky hadn’t been by either in that time, and Celeste wasn’t sure what to make of the whole situation. She wanted to give him time, but now she wondered if it was too much.
“So how are things going with that sexy guy of yours? I heard you went to the Buchanan wedding with him.”
“They’re going,” Celeste said as cheerful as possible.
“You never were one to kiss and tell.” Amber’s phone went off, and she paused to look at i
t. “Okay, I need to run. I forgot it’s the first of the month and it’s my turn to bring a treat into the office.”
“Hang on.” Celeste walked over to the counter and pulled out a container. “How many staff are there?”
“Oh my, are you going to give me your cookies to bring in?”
“I sure am.”
“There are eight of us today.”
“Here’s a dozen for good measure. Don’t tell anyone where you got them.”
“No way, because if I do, then Dena is going to want to take the next shift when it’s her turn to bring something in.”
Celeste watched as Amber left to check on the patient one more time. Then she got to work on breakfast for her guests.
When the last dish was put away, she let everyone know she was leaving to run some errands and where they could find whatever they were looking for. For good measure, she left her number if they had questions. She didn’t know how long she’d be and since some of her guests were going to stay on the property this morning, she didn’t want them inconvenienced.
A few minutes later, she knocked on Caleb’s front door. She heard Sparky barking and then scratching at the wood. When Caleb didn’t come to the door, she was just going to leave, but something was pulling her toward the lake so she detoured there first.
She was glad she did when she saw him down by the water. He was sitting in a chair facing the lake with something small in his hands. Something blue.
The dock rocked when she stepped on it, causing him to turn his head quickly and look at her. It was then she saw his red eyes.
“Hey,” she said, softly.
He cleared his throat and balled up whatever was in his hands. “Hi.”
“How are you doing?” she asked.
“Good,” he said.
“You don’t look it.”
“Yeah, well. Not a good day.”
“I remembered the date on your tattoo and assumed it had to do with your son. I wanted to come see you. You don’t have to talk to me, but I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind a company.”
“I’m not really fit for company right now.” She heard his phone ringing in the house, but he made no attempt to get up and get it. “They’ll leave a message. It’s probably my mother or Corrine.”
“Checking in on you, too.”
He nodded, then turned to look out at the water.
She walked over and sat down in his lap. He might not want her there, but she wasn’t leaving until she gave him a hug.
“Caleb, I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. I was hurt with how you acted the other day, but being a child that almost died, I saw what it did to my parents. I can’t imagine how much worse it could have been had I not made it.”
“It’s not the same thing,” he said, his voice hoarse.
“I’m sure it’s not.”
“No, I mean it probably would have been worse for your family. They had so many more years with you than I had with my son. It has to be worse that way.”
“I’ve got to imagine losing a child at any point in life hurts just the same.”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
She stayed silent in his lap for a few minutes. When she went to stand up, he put his arms around her and held her there. She felt her eyes fill up and pushed it aside. He didn’t need anything to upset him more, she knew that.
“His name was Adam.”
“That’s a nice name,” she said, her hand going around and lightly tracing grooves on his back and shoulder.
“Adam Caleb Mitchell.”
“Is that why you dropped your last name? It’s a reminder of him?”
“No. I dropped it so people couldn’t find me.”
“Can I ask what happened to him?”
“SIDS. We put him to bed one night and he never woke up. No warnings, nothing. There one day, gone the next.”
She reached for his hand and pulled free a piece of blue material. It looked like part of a blanket to her. “It’s got to be hard to have no explanation as to why it happened.”
“It was. It is.”
“That’s why you ran home so fast when you found out something was wrong with Corrine.”
“Yeah. They say it’s not hereditary, but she’ll take precautions, I know.”
She didn’t ask what precautions that would be. It wasn’t the time.
“Were you married?” She wasn’t sure if now was the time to broach that either, but figured she’d try.
“No. We were friends, Kasey and I. We cared for each other, but only as friends.”
Since his answer was short, she decided to table any conversation about that relationship. It wasn’t what today was about, and she had no reason to pry. He’d tell her if he wanted to.
“People care for you, Caleb.”
“I know,” he said, looking out at the water some more. He was struggling to hold it together, it was obvious.
“It’s not healthy to grieve silently.”
“I don’t know any other way.”
“No one can tell you how to grieve and I wouldn’t even consider doing that. You have to find what works, but it seems this isn’t it. You can’t punish yourself either.”
“I’m not.”
“I think you are. I think you don’t understand why he died and you’re stuck here without him. Angry that you never had a chance to get to know him or watch him grow.”
“You aren’t helping me any, Celeste.”
“I’m not trying to.”
He cracked the barest of grins, more like a smirk. She leaned down and kissed his cheek. “I go visit my father when I miss him. Cole never does. I don’t judge him for that. Cole does what works for him, and I do what works for me. It took me time to find that though, and multiple attempts.”
“Do you talk to your father when you visit him?”
She smiled. “I do. We have some of the most amazing conversations.”
He snorted. “He lets you just ramble right on, huh?”
“Absolutely. He’s such a great listener.”
“Now you’re helping.”
“I’m not really trying. I’m just telling you what works for me. You’ll find what works for you someday.”
“What if it’s you?”
Her heart picked up speed. “What if it’s me, what?”
“What if what works for me is you? Are you okay with that?”
“I don’t know,” she said honestly. She really hadn’t expected him to say that, but she wasn’t going to lie to him, either. It wouldn’t do either of them any good to pretend something that’s not.
“I’d understand if you said no.”
“I don’t know what to think. I don’t think one person can make you heal. I think you have to want to heal yourself. If I can help you, great, but don’t put it on my shoulders in order for it to happen. That’s a lot of weight for a person to carry, Caleb. I’ve carried enough weight around in my life.”
“You’re right. It was wrong of me to say that.”
“But if being with me helps you find your own way, that’s okay, too. I just don’t want to be the reason for your success or your failure. I can help and I will, but it can’t be only about me or because of me.”
“No, I won’t let it fall on your shoulders, I promise. I really am sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you.”
“I want to give you a free pass, but I won’t. If I do that, you’ll think you can act that way whenever you’re having a hard time dealing with something. That’s not what two people do in a relationship.”
“What do they do?”
“Are you mocking me?” she asked, tilting her head.
“No. I’m asking sincerely. What do they do? What do you do, or want to do? How do you see things being handled in a relationship?”
“I want you to talk to me, Caleb.”
“Figures.”
She laughed at his dry tone and pushed herself off his lap. “You make the next move. You decide what you want and where you wan
t to go. I’m still going to be the same person tomorrow with or without you in my life.”
It hurt her to say that, and she might be putting on a brave front, but she needed to make it understood that she wouldn’t allow him to continue on this path if he truly wanted to be with her. It wasn’t a good situation for him, her, or them together.
“You’ll be a better person tomorrow, with or without me. You’re destined for that.”
“We’re all destined for something, Caleb.” She knew that, and believed it. Some people just took a little longer to find their way.
“I don’t know about that.”
“Believe in yourself before you expect others to.”
She walked back down the dock, saw Sparky trotting toward her from the open glass door, gave him a brisk rub on the head when he stopped, and she whispered, “Take good care of your daddy tonight.”
High on Emotions
“Destined for something,” Celeste had said to him yesterday. He wasn’t sure he believed that, though.
Sure, he’d had a lot of success in life, and he spread his wealth around to others, not just family, but charitable organizations and hospitals. He always tried to give back, but he never felt he was destined for it.
Destiny wasn’t something he ever thought much of. Not when he was the brainchild growing up in Ohio, not when he was the youngest in his classes in college and graduated in half the time, and not when he was a father for a short period of time.
Being a family or having a family wasn’t something he strived for, or even sought after. It just happened.
He picked his cup of coffee up and took a sip. It was still early yet, but he couldn’t sleep last night. He finally gave up and showered after lying in bed staring at the ceiling with his mind racing.
He’d bet Celeste had dreams of a big family someday. She had to, with the way she took care of everyone. Even him. The way she talked to him, helped him, just held him yesterday.
She was meant to be a mother. It was a natural instinct for her. Not everyone had that instinct, he knew firsthand.
Did he have it in him to do it again? Yeah, he did. It hurt so much to think about Adam and what he lost, but he knew that someday he’d want to have another shot at being a father.