“I like stealing your lines, Kay.” She laughs as she positions herself comfortably in my lap. “I missed you.”
“I’m pretty sure I missed you more.”
“You had an off day?” she asks, but it’s muffled by her position in my shirt.
“Is there something going on with you and Isaac?” I blurt out, sucking in my breath sharply.
Way to shift the conversation, idiot.
“Huh?” she asks, lifting her head off my chest as I force down the shitty way her moving away from me feels.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“How did you mean it?”
“I saw you two holding hands earlier and it’s just—do you have to do that with him? You were smiling and skipping along happily. Fuck. This isn’t coming out right.” I exhale before dragging my hand roughly through my hair.
“He’s having a rough time in his classes. I hold his hand so he feels comfortable, not because I like him, Kay. Does it really bother you that much?”
I can’t say the words out loud, so I just nod and her eyes lower. Great. Now I’m making her feel like shit because I’m an insecure bastard.
“It’s nothing, Belle. It’s just me being stupid. I’m sorry. I know you don’t think of Isaac that way.”
“Do you?” she whispers and the way her voice cracks undoes me. My doubts are making her doubt herself now. That’s not what I want at all.
“Yeah, I do. I think everything that happened today and this distance thing, it’s screwing with my head.”
She nods and I sigh. I warned her a long time ago that I would probably screw this up, make mistakes and even push her away. It’s the way I am. I also told her that I didn’t want to screw it up because the way I am with her, the things I feel and the way I act, it’s everything to me and I don’t ever wanna lose it.
“I love you, Kayden. Only you. You know that right?”
Of course I know that she loves me and I’m the only one she wants. Shit. See? I’m making her think that because I’m jealous of the way she is with him that I’ve forgotten how she feels. It’s like somewhere along the way I’ve forgotten that I’m the one she chose.
I’m her choice.
“Yeah, I know you love me. It’s not about that. I’m sorry I made you think it was.”
“Is this because I was texting Dillon and didn’t tell you? Do you think that I’m keeping things from you or lying?”
“Holy shit. No!” I respond a little louder than I intended but needing her to get the message. I don’t think she’s lying to me. What she did with Dillon was her worrying about me and it’s no different with her and Isaac. She’s told me everything about him from the day she met him.
“Belle, I know you’re not lying and this has nothing to do with what happened with Dillon. This is all me. I’m being an idiot. I’m dating the kindest person on the planet, and it’s hard not to be jealous of anyone that gets to spend even five minutes in her company. Does that make sense?”
“You’re jealous of Isaac?”
“Yeah. He gets to be with you while I’m in Toronto wishing I could be.”
“You are with me. Every single minute, Kayden. Right here.” She says before placing her hand over her heart. All of the earlier discomfort, anger, jealousy and other stupidity I was feeling the second she does that, is completely gone.
“I love you.” I murmur before pulling her back into me and kissing the top of her head, allowing myself the chance to breathe in her scent before bringing up the real reason I’m here.
The answer to the question I really don’t want to answer.
“I love you more, Kay. So are you going to tell me why your day was off, or do I need to use your torture technique and tickle it out of you?”
Wrapping my arms around her, I laugh before leaning down to her ear and whispering.
“I’m not ticklish, but I know someone who is, so threats won’t get you anywhere.”
She shivers as my breath crosses her ear and I soak in the way it feels having her react to me. I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life and I don’t think I ever will again. It’s something only Belle can do.
“I got a letter from Dean.”
She goes to sit up again, but I pull her back. The loss of connection earlier was more than enough. I don’t want to repeat it. I need her close to me if I want to get through it without breaking.
Just thinking about my mom being back, even though I haven’t seen her yet, is enough for me to not to let this girl go ever again.
“Is this about you visiting him?”
“Yeah. I’m not going to visit him. He told me what Tom wouldn’t.”
“What was it?”
“I know who went there, Belle.”
Her body tenses and not liking the way it feels, I move forward and wait until she twists herself around and our eyes meet.
“Why did you just tense when I said that?”
“Because I think I know who went to see Dean.”
“Who do you think it is?”
The air goes silent while I wait for her to speak. Could she really know about my mom? Has she already seen her and this is where she tells me?
The questions flood my head until I can’t take it anymore. I can’t wait for her to tell me who she thinks it is, I’ve got to be the one to say it first.
“It’s my mom, Belle. My mom’s home.”
Belle
When he told me that someone had been to visit Dean, I always knew deep down it would be her. There was a split second where I wondered if maybe his dad had finally grown a conscience and come home, but it was more likely that it was his mom.
There are these instances I remember from when we were kids and I’ve been thinking about them a lot more since he told me about Dean. I might not have said much about it but I remember hearing my mom whispering into the phone more than once.
I used to think she was talking to my dad, working out some sort of arrangement so he could finally spend some time with me, but when he didn’t come around, I gave up on that idea. It was definitely something else; something she didn’t want anyone to overhear or know about.
Could she have been keeping in contact with Daphne Walker all this time? Did my mom know that her old friend would be coming back and if she did, why didn’t she tell us?
Kayden loves his mom. I can see it in his expression right now, though it’s not as black and white as I used to think. For every ounce of love he has for her, he has double it in hatred and mistrust and he has every right.
She took off on him without so much as an explanation why and hasn’t come back since. He was just a little boy at the time and I’m pretty sure that it works the same for normal people the way it does for us. Just because we might not be able to verbalize it, when bad things happen, we take the blame on ourselves.
I know I did it when my dad walked out and I did it again when Eric got picked on last year. It was my fault that it happened. Deep down I know there’s more to it and that it’s not my fault, but reacting; believing you’re at fault, it’s the first place your mind goes.
It’s one of the ways I think Kayden is like me. When she left he thought it was because of him and he’s been battling with it ever since. It’s a thin line between love and hate and Kayden has been walking the tightrope for ten years now, slipping and falling before climbing back on and forcing himself forward.
“Where is she?”
“He didn’t say. I guess if I wanna know that, I gotta go there. He just said she was back and that I needed to warn you because she knows you’re staying in the house.”
Dean wanting Kayden to warn me is weird. As far as I’ve been able to tell there hasn’t been a day, except maybe the one or two times in freshman year, where Dean’s cared about me at all. I’ve always just been the retard across the street to him, so I’m not sure I believe this.
“Dean wanted you to warn me?”
He nods and shrugs as if he can read my mind and is
just as confused as I am about Dean’s motivations.
“None of this makes a whole lot of sense, Belle. I just know that this time, Dean’s telling the truth. He wouldn’t lie to me about Daphne.”
I don’t miss the way he’s started calling her by her first name instead of Mom. It just proves how conflicted is. He’s trying to separate himself any way that he can.
“What do you want to do?”
“What can I do? I have no idea where she is or when she’s going to come knocking on the door. Unless I go see Dean and he tells me where she’s staying, I’m a sitting duck. We’re sitting ducks.”
“Maybe we need to go see him.”
“I don’t know if I can do that. It was hard enough before. It’s worse now.”
“Why?”
“You really don’t know?”
He seems surprised that I don’t understand what he means. I know that I’m different than most people and can pick up on things that others don’t, but how going to see Dean is harder isn’t one of those times. He’s going to need to explain it.
“Dean hates her, Belle. I think he hates her more than he hates our dad and that bastard beat the hell out of him. I can’t go see him because it’s not the same for me.”
It’s starting to make sense, but I’m still not completely there yet. “Because you love her?”
“Yeah, but the minute we get into this, coming at it from different ends, it’s gonna get all twisted up. I’m afraid I’m gonna come out of there more fucked up then when I went in. I’m scared I’ll be the way I was before. Filled with hate, loathing and venom.”
Now it makes sense. He’s been so determined to change the way he’s been that stepping back into any reminder of the way things were before, is a line he’s not willing to cross.
He doesn’t want to turn back into the monster he believes himself to be.
“That won’t happen.”
“You can’t be sure of that.”
“Yes I can.”
“How?”
“Because you’re ignoring the first part of what I said, Kay. I didn’t say that you should go see Dean. I said that we should.”
Kayden is stubborn. He can stand up for me, want to be there with everything I go through, but he’s always surprised when I do it back. The way his body goes from rigid to relaxed, it’s like every other time this kind of thing happens. It feels like I’ve won the lottery because even though he doesn’t think he’s deserving, he likes the way me being there for him sounds.
“What if I bring you there and it changes me so much I end up taking it out on you? I promised you last fall that I would make up for the last eight years and I meant it. I don’t know if I want to risk that. I won’t hurt you again.”
“Risk for reward, Kay.”
“Now’s not the time to be cryptic.”
“I’m not being cryptic. If we go there and you get the answers you need, then I’m willing to take the risk because we’ll get the reward.”
“You’d really risk me going off on you just so I can find out where my mom is?”
“Yes, because I know someone who would do the exact same thing for me.”
“Belle,” he says after rubbing his hands over his face and exhaling the world’s deepest breath. “If I can set it up for later, will you go with me to see Dean?”
Leaning forward and brushing my lips gently across his cheek, I don’t even hesitate giving him my response.
“Wherever you are, it’s where I need to be.”
“Now you’re just doing it intentionally.” He replies through his laughter.
“Doing what?”
“Making me turn ten different shades of red. Is that a yes?”
“I figured that was implied.”
“It was. I just needed to hear you say it again.”
“Yes Kay. I’ll go with you to see Dean. If I’m not allowed to go through anything alone, neither are you.”
Kayden
I know Dean said in his letter that the warden was cool and I could get easy enough access to him if I wanted it, but I really didn’t think it would happen this fast.
I figured there had to be a ton of bullshit to go through in order to set up a time to see him, but not twenty minutes after I hung up from the call, I was getting another one back telling me that the meeting was a go for later today.
After walking Belle to her next class with the promise of being back later to pick her up, I had no real destination in mind. I had already screwed the day in Toronto and even if I did have the time to go back and head to a class or two, I wasn’t feeling it.
Ever since I made the decision to come home, the last place on earth I want to be is back in the city. I’m starting to think that I’m a lot like Belle that way. As much as I can handle it, I can only do it in small doses.
Driving for a while, I don’t stop until I’m pulling up to the parking lot situated a few feet away from a small boardwalk that overlooks the beach.
At first, the beach wasn’t even on my radar. The more I drove though, letting the wind flow through the open window, cooling me after the way sitting out under the sun overheated me, the reason I’m here is clear.
In exactly one week I will have been with Belle for an entire year. Our anniversary, it hasn’t slipped my mind. It’s not like it could even if I wanted it to. It’s huge for me since it’s the longest I’ve ever been with one person, let alone someone I care about this much.
I’ve been looking for the right place, somewhere I can take her that we haven’t done before so I can make the night special. I might get to be with her for the next five years, maybe even ten or twenty, but it’s this one that I want to make count.
Belle deserves so much and even though there’s a lot that I can’t give her, a night to remember, one she can look back on years from now and recall happily, I can definitely do.
I want to bring her here at twilight, when the sun is just below the horizon. Before the darkness takes over and all that’s left are the stars that seem to go on for miles. I want to bring her down the boardwalk, walk together, whispering, talking, laughing and kissing. I want to do it all.
This is another way that being around her has changed me. I don’t have a romantic bone in my body, or at least I didn’t until I started spending time with Belle again. Now all I can think about is what I can do to make her feel my love for her.
I really have become that walking, talking Hallmark card. I want to be that if it means that her world is altered. Somehow made happier, better or brighter.
Standing out here, taking in the water, the waves pushing through, the sun high and bright, a few people walking in different directions with the same idea as me, holding hands and smiling at each other, it solidifies it.
Where I wasn’t clear on things before, I am now. I know exactly how I’m going to spend my anniversary. It might not be the perfect place, but it’s perfect for us.
With the way she enjoys her time outside, whether it’s underneath ugly low hanging trees or sitting in a wide open front lawn, there’s no better place for her than here. Add to it the time of night that I want to make this happen and it’s definitely going to be an anniversary neither one of us will forget.
I’m sure of it.
Chapter Thirteen
Kayden
I can’t believe I’m sitting here.
This is the last damn place I should be, but just like I used to believe I wasn’t capable of doing the right thing, I’ve also never been much for doing the smart thing either.
I’m sitting in a room completely devoid of color, the walls this grungy shade of gray, no windows in sight. Waiting for the one person I never thought I’d have to lay eyes on again. Dean Walker. The person who tried to take my life away and failed because of my little life preserver.
The girl I wouldn’t let come into the room with me. Letting her come with me I could handle, but subjecting her to what I’m seeing now, how depraved and cold this room really is, it would be to
o much for her. She fought me on it, but eventually backed down, letting me do what I’ve wanted to do for a year now. Keep her protected, safe and away from the darkness.
My darkness.
There was a time not long ago where Donwood Correctional Facility was where I aspired to spend the rest of my life. I never for a second thought it would become Dean’s new home. It was meant for me with all the stupid shit I managed to get myself into, which thinking back, usually did involve him in some way.
Isabelle’s the reason I’m not here. My nineteenth birthday is not that far away and instead of sitting here on the other side of the plexi-glass, being the person someone is visiting, I’m waiting for the other criminal in the family to make his grand entrance.
Dean’s been wanting to see me for months and my resolve never broke because I knew why he wanted it. He wanted to tell me that even though he plead guilty, I was the guilty one because I put him here. I should be the one paying right alongside him instead of being out and able to live my life.
There was a point where I believed that. I was there with him through every single fight we had and I really did think I was guilty. It’s another reason why I was so adamant that I wouldn’t come here. I didn’t want the guilt I feel over my part in everything to come back.
The letter he sent through Tom though, this wasn’t the same brother I’m used to. It wasn’t the one that wanted to blame me for the way things turned out. When I first started reading it, I believed he wasn’t even the one writing it because it sounded nothing like him. It wasn’t vindictive and cold. It was real.
So here I am. My new life crashing head on into my past.
The difference this time is that when this is over, I’m not leaving in an ambulance. I’ll be walking out on my own two feet. Safe and into the arms of the girl I’ve been in love with since I was three years old.
The large metal door opens and I raise my eyes, more than a little eager to get this mess over with and I catch the eyes of the guard first as he positions himself on the wall. Slumping his way into the room next, handcuffs tying those fists I hate so much together, Dean throws himself into the chair, causing it to drag across the floor with a screech so loud I cover my ears. Another guard makes his way into the room, positioning himself on the other side of the door and that’s when the confusion sets in.
All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4) Page 11