by Lund, S. E.
"You survived vanilla sex yet again."
He grinned. "It's all I ever used to do."
I said nothing for a moment, wondering about his introduction to the lifestyle. "How did you start doing BDSM?"
He rubbed my back with his good hand, not saying anything.
"You don’t want to talk about it?"
"Not really. Let's just say I recognized my Dominant side, got some instruction—"
"From Lara," I offered.
"From Lara," he said.
"This was after your divorce?"
"Kate," he said, exhaling. "I'm tired. I have to sleep…"
"I'm sorry," I said, a stab of hurt in my chest. "This is hard for you. We're mixing up the food on your plate too much, right?"
"Shh," he said and shut the light off. Then he pulled closer, spooning against me the way he always did when it was time to sleep.
In the middle of the night, I got up and went to the bathroom. I closed the door and turned on the light to check my wound and my eye was already bruising. I was going to have a black eye.
I turned off the bathroom light and went back to the bedroom. Drake was asleep, his breathing slow and deep. Seeing him lying there, knowing that he was so uncomfortable with a normal romantic relationship, I felt a sense of grief somewhere in a dark corner.
I wanted more from him, but I had the sense that it was impossible. I'd have to settle for what he could give me. I'd have to accept only seeing him in secret several times a week, when we were lucky. It made me sad, but it was just the way things had to be.
I didn’t want to stay there feeling the way I felt, so I dressed quickly and snuck out of the apartment. I hailed a cab and went back to my own apartment. I couldn’t pretend to be 'in scene' with him after that. It felt too much like 'pretending'.
So, at just after three o'clock in the morning on Christmas Eve Day, I was getting out of a taxi outside my apartment building when who should get out of a parked car but Dawn.
"There you are," she said, rushing across the street to me as I had the key in the lock to the building. When I realized it was her, shock went through me.
"Dawn," I said, acutely aware of my bandaged head and now-bruising black eye. "What are you doing here?"
"Your father was trying to get a hold of you but you weren't answering your phone. He was worried about you and called me at work. I was so worried about you."
I pulled out my cell, curious as to why I never got any calls. Then I saw that my cell had shut off, the battery dead. "Oh crap," I said showing her. "The battery died." I shrugged.
Then she saw my injury.
"Kate, what happened?"
"I fell," I said, stumbling to come up with an explanation on the fly. "I had to go to the hospital and get stitches."
"Oh you poor kid. How did you fall?"
"I slipped on the way to the bathroom in the dark."
She saw my wristband from the hospital ER and took my wrist in her hand. "St. Luke's? Why didn’t you call me? You should have come to Harlem and I would have stayed with you."
"We're not really on friendly terms…" I said and sighed. "Listen, I'm really tired. I'm going to bed."
I opened the door and before it closed, I turned. I didn’t want to antagonize her.
"I'm sorry I didn’t answer your calls. I didn’t even know you had called. Why are you even here? You've just been sitting in your car?"
"I got off my shift at 3:00 and thought I'd come by and see if you were at home. I was almost ready to call the police. Kate, how are you doing?"
"I'm fine," I said. "I'm over it. Look," I said, wanting to leave. "I have to go to bed. Thanks for being concerned about me but I'm fine. I'll charge my phone and send my dad a text."
I forced a smile and went inside, leaving her on the sidewalk. I just couldn’t lie to her any longer.
Crap. Almost caught.
I didn't sleep the rest of the night, wondering if Dawn would accept my explanation and what Drake would say when he learned I was almost caught. Instead of sleep, I looked over an article I was writing for Geist but in truth, my heart just wasn't into it. That black hole of sadness threatened at the thought that Drake and I wouldn’t be able to spend time together during Christmas, except for a few hours where we might be able to fuck. I enjoyed my time with him – more than I thought I ever could, but I felt as if something was missing. Tonight, Drake's reluctance to just be with me as an ordinary couple having vanilla sex made me sad in a way I didn’t think I'd feel so soon.
I had to face it. He was the hottest man I had ever met or could imagine. I never thought I'd have as many orgasms as I'd had with him. I never thought I could get so deeply into bondage and D/s. But if he'd hoped to keep our personal lives separate from the kinky sex, he'd failed miserably.
I knew too much about him. He was too human to me and not just a mysterious and very hot Dominant. He was someone I really liked.
Regardless, I couldn't have him that way. With another man, I might be able to have those things – going out for Sunday brunch, going to movies, spending time together with family and friends. Living a vanilla lifestyle. I knew I'd never feel with another man in a vanilla relationship what I felt with Drake.
Given a choice, at that point, I chose Drake. There was no hesitation. But I still felt this mote of sadness somewhere deep in my chest. A sense of loss.
I sighed and pushed it back into its dark dusty corner, ignoring it for as long as possible.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Once my phone charged, it blinked on and showed that I had ten text messages and five voice mail messages. I yawned and picked it up, checking to see what my father and Dawn had sent. I just finished taking a shower, a towel wrapped around my body and my head.
My father had texted me first, wanting to know how I was doing. When I didn't answer as I usually did, he called and left a message.
Katie, is everything OK? Call me. I know you're still upset about Drake. If you need to talk…
He called me Katie. He must really be worried about me. Once again, it struck me how strange that my father, the Drill Sergeant, wanted to talk to me about a breakup.
Then Dawn called and asked where I was.
Your father's worried about you. I'm worried about you. Why aren't you answering?
She texted me three times, each one more frantic. At 3:05 a.m., just before I arrived, she sent a final text.
Do I have to call the police to come break down your door? Where are you?
Crap. I was that close to her doing so. Luckily, she only came to my apartment, waiting outside.
I sent a text to my father, hoping he got it first thing and wasn't worried. He seemed to calm down long before Dawn did. His last voice mail at midnight was far less anxious.
Just give me a call, dear, when you get this message.
That was it. Drake and I would have to be more careful. Dawn was suspicious. She was willing to wait outside my apartment… Was she hoping to catch me with Drake?
At about 5:30, while I was sitting on the couch, watching CNN, my phone dinged, indicating a new text.
Drake.
Why did you leave?
I looked at the message for a few moments, trying to compose a response in my mind.
I couldn't sleep. You were sleeping like a baby. I didn't want to wake you up so I just left.
In a few moments, he replied.
You can always wake me up. I wanted you to stay with me so I could watch over you, make sure you're all right. Kate, I'm a neurosurgeon. We get concerned with any kind of head injury. You should have stayed until I said you were OK to go home. Do you have a headache? Nausea?
Poor Drake. He really was worried. He must be angry with himself over the fall and my injury.
I'm fine. My mind just won't slow down. I have a deadline and am working on my article.
In a few seconds, he responded.
You think too much. When you're with me, you don't have to think. That's what I'm
for. But I suspect something's bothering you for you to leave without saying anything. Tell me what's the matter…
I sighed. Of course, something was bothering me. This keep everything separate on the plate requirement of his. I felt like he was leaking into my life, into my thoughts, and I wanted him in it. He didn't want me to mix in the separate compartments he kept for things. Kinky sex. Neurosurgery. The Foundation. The Band.
Drake, I still have to think, even when I'm with you. I still have to think when I'm not with you.
You want the truth?
He didn't respond for some time, as if deciding if he wanted it. Finally, he called. When I saw his name on the caller ID, my throat choked up. I ignored his call and texted him instead.
Drake, I don't like being shoved into a small box in the corner of your life.
He called again, but I ignored his call once more, my emotions too close to the surface. He replied to my text.
You're not in a small box in the corner. In case you didn't realize it, you’re in a very big and very central box in the middle of my life.
That made my heart melt a bit, but still, it wasn't what I really wanted. If I was honest with myself, if I let my self really feel what I was feeling, I knew being in that box would never satisfy me.
I don't know if that's enough.
I bit my nail and waited for what he said to that, afraid that he'd break it off with me if I pushed things, but wanting to be completely truthful. He said that a Dom had to trust that his sub was being completely truthful and not just trying to please him by lying.
I'm coming over.
Oh, God. He couldn't come over.
Don't. It's too much of a risk.
When he didn't reply right away, I knew he was coming anyway. How many times would I have to run away from him for his own good?
I had to leave the apartment. I couldn’t be here when he arrived. I dressed quickly, grabbed my bag and left through the rear of the building, taking the back alley, intending to walk to my one place of refuge when I'd been a student. The library at Columbia.
I walked down the street, wanting the air to try to calm myself. If he did come by my apartment and Dawn was there or had someone watching me, at least I wouldn't be there. I could write it off as Drake being unreasonable.
I texted him once more.
I'm not at my apartment any longer so don't come by. Don't risk it. We'll talk later. I just need to be alone for a while.
He wouldn't give in.
Being alone is the last thing you need, Kate. Meet me at 8th this morning. My surgical slate is empty the rest of the week because of the holidays.
I was just about to reconsider when Dawn texted me again.
I called my friend at St. Luke's. I know everything. The ER doc you met with thought you had been abused, Kate. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'm calling your father.
Oh, God…
I texted her back right away, my hands shaking. I had to stop this. I had to end this now.
Besides the fact that you and whoever gave you access to my personal records could get in big trouble, you should know that I'm ending it with Drake. I realized that I can never be anything to him besides a kinky sex partner. He's not into having a real relationship with a woman – no girlfriend, no dating, no romance, no marriage. I realize this now. That's why I was coming home so late, Dawn. He can't give me what I need. He's not what you think – he's a good man. He never hurt me ever. What happened was an accident when he was showing me how to Jitterbug. But he can't love me and I know that now. It's not enough for me.
So please, don't make this worse for me than it already is.
She phoned. I answered.
"Kate, what happened? Come and stay with me. I don't want you to be alone now."
"I can't," I said, in tears. "I'm as mad at you as I am sad about him. You shouldn’t be interfering, Dawn. I know your heart is in the right place, but this is my life and my decision."
"I'm your best friend."
"You were. Best friends don't threaten. Now, please, please just let things die naturally. It's going to be hard enough for me without you threatening me."
I ended the call.
Drake had to know. I had to text him in case she didn't hold off.
Drake, this person knows that I was with you last night and thinks you've abused me. This person may tell my father no matter what I do. I just want to warn you. I told her we broke up. We have to just say goodbye for real, Drake. I can't take this any longer – this compartmentalization of my life. This pretending that we're not seeing each other, worrying that someone will find out and hurt you. I don't do compartmentalization, Drake. My life is a stew. I don't know anything different. I've tried it your way, but being just one part of your life isn't enough. The truth is that I could love you if I let myself. I can't do that because you don't do love. Lara told me that before we met and you made that abundantly clear to me.
You'll have no trouble finding another sub who wants to be a compartment in your life but that's not me. I'd only always want more and we'd have to end it, eventually. The longer we wait, the harder it will be. That night, you said that someone would love me one day, and the truth is, despite how amazing the sex is with you, I realize I'd rather wait to find him than accept anything less. If you thought you could stop me from falling in love with you, you failed miserably. I can't accept what you can give. I deserve more.
Goodbye, Drake. I'm sorry, but this is the way it has to be for both our sake's.
I read it over and hesitated. I could see no other way out of this. There was no way Dawn would accept that we'd broken up without proof – not after the injury. She wouldn't believe me no matter what and I feared that she was going to hurt Drake for real.
I sent the text, my heart heavy, tears blurring my eyes. I walked for blocks, wiping my face with my gloved hands, unable to imagine not seeing Drake again.
Then, my phone dinged. Drake responded.
You do deserve more.
That was it. He didn't say I deserved more from him. He didn't say he could give me more. Just that simple statement, as if he recognized it, too. Finally, I sat on a bench that faced the park and cried.
My phone dinged, indicating an incoming text and it was my father.
Katie, come by and stay with me and Elaine for a while. You shouldn't be alone on Christmas Eve. Dawn just called and said she was worried about you and that I shouldn't allow you to stay by yourself. Let me send a car to pick you up. Come and stay with me until this thing with Drake blows over.
I knew it was no use trying to go to the library when I was like this. My eyes were red and swollen from crying and in truth, I didn't feel at all like going there.
I'll come by later, Daddy. I prefer to walk.
The truth was, I couldn't face going to my apartment alone. I couldn't go to the library. I couldn't face work. Dawn's place was out of the question.
I called Lara.
"What's the matter now, Kate?" she said, her voice a bit impatient.
"Something happened. I just broke up with Drake but I'm afraid this person is going to hurt him no matter what I do."
She exhaled heavily on the phone.
"Meet me at the coffee shop. We'll talk."
By the time I arrived, my eyes were less red and she was waiting in the back for me. Her face betrayed her frustration or anger, I couldn't tell which.
I sat down, ordering some tea, and clasped my hands in front of me.
"My God, Kate," she said when she saw my injury. "What happened? Drake didn't do that, did he?"
"Lara, you won't believe it."
"Tell me what happened. I texted Drake but he didn't respond."
I sighed and recounted how we fell and I hurt myself. How he took me to the ER and how Dawn found me, and discovered that I went to the ER with Drake.
How I had to break it off with Drake because Dawn was hell-bent on telling my father.
"What is it with this person? Why do they want to
hurt Drake?"
I shook my head. "She saw her own sister abused." I told her about Dawn's family and how dysfunctional it was when she was growing up. "I think she judges everyone really harshly because she was judged harshly. She has no tolerance."
Then Lara's phone dinged and she picked it up, read something.
"Just a minute," she said, typing away on her keyboard. Finally, she put the phone on the table between us.
"You were saying? You broke up with Drake? Why? I thought you said things were good."
I shook my head. "The sex part was great. Better than anything I could ever imagine, Lara. This is just too much risk for Drake. I could never stand to live with myself if he was hurt because of me, because of my greed for him. But even more, I just can't do only sex. I'm not cut out for it. He doesn't want more. Considering all the shit he could get into because of me, I had to just make a clean break."
"It's probably for the best."
"You understand," I said, but my chest hurt. I covered my eyes, biting back a sob.
"I do understand," she said and took my hand. "This is my fault. The reason I chose Drake for you was precisely because he wasn't interested in anything long-term. I thought that was what you wanted as well. You know, just doing interviews, learning about the lifestyle. That's what you said to me…"
"I know I did," I said, feeling incredibly guilty. "I did say that. I meant it at the time. But Drake is so much more…" I closed my eyes, exhaling heavily. "I think I could fall in love with him. All I know is that it isn't enough anymore."