Some people could argue that I was irresponsible for getting pregnant in the first place and I was facing my fate as a result. However, my response to that would have been that we used protection and I didn’t believe in fate. It was another choice I had made – having Chloe. Jason wanted me to get an abortion, but I chose not to. I think everyone should have their own choice, but it was one I wouldn’t have willingly made. It wasn’t something I would have even considered. I knew I had the means to care for her, even if I had to put everything else on hold.
Things with Jason began falling apart about a month ago. He started coming home later and later. He always told me he was working, but I knew better. Sometimes he would come home stumbling through the door. Other times, I could smell it on his breath when I awoke.
Over the past two weeks, there were some nights he didn’t come home at all. I’d rack it up to him having a few too many drinks at his “meetings.” I guess that’s what I needed to tell myself. I didn’t want to admit my uncertainty about whether things would work out.
He was twenty-two and living his life, I guess. Maybe if he could have found a better way to manage both his social life and family life then things would have gotten back on track. Maturity was never really his strong suit but I hoped he would make more of an effort.
I had intentionally awoken earlier than him today. Having to know what was going on with him, I managed to justify the intrusion to his personal privacy that I was about to make. His phone was on the dresser and I had the code to it memorized. A few days ago, I’d mindfully watched as he tapped the password into his phone. I kept repeating the numbers in my head, and then wrote them down in my diary as soon as he left for work.
As quietly as I could, I slithered out of my bed and made my way to the dresser. Jason was in a heavy sleep, I could tell by his steady, shallow breathing, but I was still nervous I would wake him. My fingers worked quickly to unlock his phone. Scrolling through his messages I stumbled upon an exchange between him and someone named Angie, and my heart sunk. Sadness slammed through me, consuming all of my thoughts, although rationally I knew I should have been angry instead. He said things to her that he no longer said to me. The hope I held on to was slowly dying, and grief for Chloe settled in.
As I attempted to swallow the lump that had grown in my throat, I placed the phone back onto the dresser. Tears stung my eyes as I made my way to the bathroom that adjoined our bedroom. I pried open the bathroom door.
My hands shook as I turned the shower on. The room filled with steam as I undressed and stepped into the shower.
Sitting on the shower floor, I wrapped my arms around my knees, trying to make myself feel better, consoling myself. Never had I been overtaken by a more lonely moment in my life. I felt horrible, alone and defeated.
A stream of water beat against my face, washing away the tears as they appeared. My chest began to heave and I could no longer muffle the sound of my cries.
I heard the door open, and Jason’s footsteps approaching. He slid the shower door aside and crouched down next to me. “Hey, you okay?” he asked as he placed his hand on my shoulder.
I squeezed my arms around my legs tighter, burying my face against them. He was not going to see me cry over it. “I just have cramps.”
“Do you want me to get you anything?”
“I already took something. I’ll be all right. I just need to wait it out until the pills kick in.” I didn’t move and I didn’t look at him. I just wanted him to leave.
“Okay. I’m going to go back to bed,” he said, and then slid the shower door shut.
***
I spent the remainder of the day mulling over how to handle the situation. If Chloe wasn’t a factor in my decision I would have packed my bags after reading the texts. Or maybe I would have stayed because he was familiar, and I had a reluctance to and fear of change. No, I would have left for certain. Wouldn’t I?
Later that evening I made dinner, as usual, and hoped he would come home in time. But he didn’t, just like almost every other night over the past four weeks. Anger set in as I placed a plate into the refrigerator for him. By eleven I figured he wouldn’t come home at all, again.
I decided to wait up. I couldn’t sleep if I wanted to, anyway. I sat on the couch staring at the carpet, reconsidering every decision I’d made, but knowing I had to try and make it work. Keys jiggled against the doorknob outside. Big surprise, he was home before midnight, which had become something that was out of the norm.
“Hey,” he said. His eyes were bloodshot. He tossed his keys and phone on the kitchen counter.
I stood up and strolled toward him.
“Long day?” I asked, knowing it was not a long day, just another long night.
“Yeah, I got to piss,” he said, slurring his words as he stumbled past me into the bathroom next to the living room.
When the door shut behind him I snatched his phone up from the counter and looked through his texts.
“See you tomorrow, baby.” Was the last one he’d sent to Angie.
Frustration at the circumstances flooded through me. It turned into anger when I thought about the time he could have spent with Chloe. I thought about what I’d given up to be here, how he was disappointing me, and how much he sucked as a father to my daughter.
“Who’s Angie?” I asked as I placed the phone back on the counter.
“You went through my phone?” He gaped at me, but his tone didn’t have a guilty bite to it.
“Who is she?” I knew the answer, but wanted him to say it. A scratchy feeling climbed up my throat, and I knew I was about to cry. I drew in a deep breath, not taking my eyes off Jason.
“A friend,” he said.
“Keep lying to me.” I bit the inside of my lower lip to keep it from trembling.
“Okay then, I’m seeing her.” He held out his hands, palms to the ceiling.
“You have a family, Jason.” My chin lightly bobbed, like I was trying to get him to agree with me over that obvious fact.
“I don’t want it. I’m not ready for this.” He dropped his hands to his sides.
My heart sunk as he said the words. It was just out there in the open. Like a secret between two people that had finally been released. Whoever said the truth will set you free was lying. I’m not dumb, I knew there was no connection, no passion like there was at the start of our teenage romance. Everything was dead and any interaction between us had become pure obligation on his part. I understood that, but I didn’t understand why he’d allowed us to move here with him. Why even give me hope just to let me down?
I thought about Cody and about the look on his face when I’d rejected him. I thought about Chloe and how I wanted her to have a happy life and how Jason wasn’t fighting hard enough for his family. I thought about how lonely I had been over the past month and how sad I was that my dream for my daughter was crashing into nothing.
“I left everything behind!” I yelled at him.
“You didn’t leave anything behind. All you left was someone who wouldn’t want you after he fucked you and your loser mother. That’s all you have. I felt sorry for you. Guilty that I slipped off the condoms. It’s the only reason you are here.” His words were slurred, and his posture was sloppy.
Slipping off the condoms?
The anger over what he’d said about my mother forced my body into a reaction, and I slapped Jason across the face. I had never done that, never laid a hand on him. In fact, I’d never laid a hand on anyone. He held his hand to his cheek afterward. I’m sure it was mostly for the visual effects and to taunt me. It might have stung but it certainly didn’t hurt him, I was sure of that. Regret immediately set in when I saw the look in his eyes, but I couldn’t help myself in the moment.
He stared me down. It was like all of the hatred he must have felt toward me was released through his eyes. It scared me at the core of my body.
“Come here, baby,” he said to me in a soft, stiff tone. The way he spoke wasn’t natural for hi
m, and something about it scared me.
As I backed away from him, he clutched onto my wrist and jerked me toward him, which sent me crashing into him. He held me against him with his hand on my lower back. I looked into his eyes as he tilted my chin up to him. A smirk slid across his face as the back of his other hand caressed the side of my neck.
His fingers glided through my hair, his palm cupping the back of my head. Suddenly, his fingers clenched into his palm, grabbing a fistful of hair. He swung me around, slamming me onto the floor. My knee hit it first, and then my face crashed into the carpet of the dining room. In a fraction of a second, he was on top of me, straddling me at my waist, with his hand around my neck.
“You fucking ungrateful bitch.”
“I’m sorry, Jason, please stop,” I managed to whimper out as I struggled for breath. I thought I was going to pass out or possibly die.
The room grew fuzzy, and looked distorted. I heard Chloe crying at the banister above us and then I went totally silent, forcing myself not to let out any noise so she couldn’t hear me.
I was useless. There was nothing I could do to escape the situation as his fist crashed into my back. I hoped Chloe couldn’t see it from where she was. I didn’t want her to see her mommy getting beaten. Tears streamed out of my eyes as I silently pleaded with God.
Two more punches slammed into my back and then the room went dark.
I must have only been out for a few minutes because when I came to, Jason was sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar staring at his phone. Chloe’s cries continued to ring out from above us.
Jason said ten words in a deadpan voice that I will never forget.
The dizziness and the pain in my body were unbearable, but I managed to slowly push myself off the ground and make my way up the steps. I took Chloe’s hand and led her into her bedroom.
I snuggled with Chloe in her bed, rubbing her back, coaxing her back to sleep. As I lay there wide awake, I thought back on his words and what had happened. I’d always hated the word surreal; celebrities used it too much. But that’s what it was, it was a surreal moment. I knew it had happened, I had witnessed it happening, it had happened to me, but I still questioned the realness of what had taken place.
It reminded me of the feelings I’d had when the events of 9/11 unfolded, or the time that a naked guy high on PCP walked into the deli where I was eating. That feeling of “that just didn’t really happen” kept pushing its way into my mind.
Jason had never, not once, laid a hand on me. A lot of bad feelings had plagued me over the past month, but I’d never felt scared until now. In fact, Jason had never made me feel unsafe. Unwanted? Sure. Unsafe? Never.
Chapter 5 - Hailey
The events of the prior evening played back in my mind in the form of a nightmare. When Jason slammed my body into the floor, I jolted up out of sleep.
Propping myself up with my hands behind me, I looked over at Chloe, hoping that I hadn’t awoken her. Sweat dripped down the sides of my cheeks.
I tip toed over to our Jason’s bedroom. Pressing my ear to the door, I listened for any signs of movement. Satisfied that the room was most likely empty, I turned the doorknob and eased the door open.
Peeking into the room, I noticed that the shoes that normally sat next to the chaise lounge were gone, and so was the gold watch that adorned the dresser in the morning. The bathroom lights were off. There was no sign of Jason and I hoped it would stay that way.
I quietly stepped back into the hallway and peered over the banister to see if his keys were on the kitchen counter. The keys were not there, but the dirty dishes he used for breakfast were.
I flicked the light switch on in the bathroom. A sharp popping sound went off, sending my heart into a scurry of panic. I looked up and saw three brightly lit bulbs followed by a gray one above the bathroom sink. Feeling silly that a stupid light bulb had given me such a stir, I shook my head at myself in the mirror.
As I stared at my reflection, I smoothed my hair down. I picked up an elastic tie and wrapped my hair into a bun so I could get a good look at my back. The back of my head where he had grabbed my hair was sore.
I picked up the pink hand mirror that rested on the granite countertop and turned around so I could examine my back. The skin had swelled, and it looked as if it should hurt more than it did. A dull ache was present, but nothing that a pain pill couldn’t help numb, at least that’s what I told myself. I lightly pressed on one of the lighter purple spots beneath my neck and winced when a sharp pain shot down my back. That was stupid of me.
Another decision, another choice was in front of me. I might have made the decision to stay and forgive what he did, but those ten words he last spoke to me were at the forefront of my mind.
All hope that I’d had for my little family had vanished, and I knew that I couldn’t keep Chloe in this situation. I didn’t want her to come from a broken home, but I also didn’t want her to live in one.
Maybe I started it by slapping him, but he’d hurt me in front of Chloe. He didn’t want us there. He wanted to live the life of a twenty-two-year-old that had just graduated from college, who didn’t have a family to worry about.
I didn’t understand why he’d stayed with me all those years, but I supposed Cody was right. He was living his life, and I was in an imaginary relationship. I felt pitiful, stupid, and foolish for it. Not once, not a single time had I thought that the rumors I heard were true. It was like a fog had lifted, and I realized I had been living in a distorted reality created solely by my desires. Now that I knew what he was capable of I wanted to bury myself in a hole.
After I showered and dressed, I made my way to the hallway closet and pulled out three suitcases. I placed one of them outside of Chloe’s room and took the other two suitcases into Jason’s bedroom.
He’s not going to come home before I’m gone, I rationally told myself. But, fear surged through me as I grabbed stacks of perfectly folded shirts from my dresser drawer and haphazardly threw them into the suitcase. The dresser drawers quickly became empty and the first suitcase full. I began to fill the second suitcase with the contents of the walk-in closet. I grabbed several pairs of my shoes, placed them in a plastic bag, and tossed them in the suitcase.
I left behind the clothes that Jason had bought me the first week I moved in. He had bought them for me so I would look “more appropriate” at dinners and events I attended with him.
Jason had taken me shopping the Sunday after we arrived in New York. It was a good day, even though I didn’t particularly like shopping. We went to lunch and took Chloe to the park. It was the first time I’d felt like I finally had my family together. Things were so great that first month.
I wasn’t going to take anything that I hadn’t arrived with. There was no need to hold on to them or have the reminder of memories they held. The boring dinners I’d had to attend and the dull conversation that came with them. I hated pretentiousness, but I hated contrived conversation even more.
After zipping the suitcases closed, I carried them downstairs, one at a time, and placed them next to the door.
My safe. I needed to get my safe.
I made my way back to the hallway closet. Extra blankets and sheets covered the safe, keeping it neatly concealed from Jason. The safe was small and in it were pictures that were special to me, and it also secured my diary. I brought it downstairs and placed it on the kitchen counter. I considered whether the diary was in the safe or in my other hiding spot inside the box-spring mattress. I grabbed my keys and unlocked it to make sure. The red diary was on top and a picture of Cody peeked out from underneath it. It was the picture I had taken at the last performance of his I attended at the Dark Horse.
I put the diary back in the safe and locked it before placing it in a suitcase.
The suitcases dragged behind my body as I pulled them by their handles. They were heavy, but I was determined to get them to the car in one shot. The apartment complex’s garage was not well lit, but I made my
way through it quickly despite the lack of good lighting. I popped the trunk open and lifted the suitcases into the trunk.
Fear kept creeping in even though I was pretty sure he would be relieved by our departure. I sprinted back to the apartment.
The nightlight in Chloe’s room glowed next to her bed. I took a seat next to her and stroked her golden ringlets out of her face. Guilt rang deep through me as I considered what she may have seen last night. I knew she’d heard the words that came out of his mouth, and I hoped at her age she didn’t understand them. I imagined her little hands gripping the banister as she stood there peering down and crying, watching me being hurt. There was nothing in me that could stand that thought.
I kissed her on the cheek and whispered, “Wake up, baby.” Chloe stirred a bit and then opened her eyes and smiled at me.
I smiled back at her. “Morning, baby, Mommy loves you.”
Chloe’s eyes were green like mine, but her hair was light brown with blonde highlights running through it. I had hoped that her hair would lighten like mine did when I turned six.
I gave her another kiss and whispered, “We’re going to go on an adventure today.”
Chloe stretched out her little body and yawned as I turned the bedroom light on. I hoped the memory of last night would disappear from her mind. I wanted any thought of it gone, and gone immediately.
Chloe’s legs dangled over the bed as she sat patiently, waiting for me to give her clothes for the day. I unzipped her pajamas for her and handed her a pink striped shirt with matching elastic pants. Chloe dressed herself while I packed her suitcase and sang a song to her.
After getting Chloe ready for the day I made breakfast. I wanted to get out of there quickly, but I didn’t want anything to seem abnormal to Chloe. It almost did feel like a normal day, which was odd since it was anything but that. The toaster oven dinged and I put the bagel on a paper towel. Balancing a bowl of cereal in one hand and the bagel in the other, I headed to the kitchen table.
The Secret That Intervened Page 4