I looked over at Chloe and wanted to give her a kiss and hug, but I was too gross to do so. “Good morning, baby. Mommy will be over soon. Okay?
“Okay, Mommy.” Chloe looked up at me and then returned her attention back to the blocks.
I pinched the bottom of my shirt and pulled it away from my body. The shirt was pasted to my stomach and I had to pull it a little more firmly to separate it from my skin.
The pipes in the wall let out a bang as I turned the shower on. Mr. Gritley was supposed to fix the piece of crap. Water had begun to drip from the shower head and in a few moments the bathroom was full of steam.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror above the bathroom sink. I avoided direct eye contact with my own image as I stared into the mirror with unfocused eyes. The vomit in my hair made me feel like I was going to get sick again. My skin looked paler than yesterday and the dark bags under my eyes looked worse.
Still fully dressed, I stepped into the shower. I removed my clothes once inside it.
I sat the soaked clothes on the top of the toilet after rinsing and wringing them out. The shower took longer than normal, even though I rushed since Chloe was up and by herself. The vomit finally came out of my hair after the third washing.
While I washed my hair, I was careful not to press or scrub the top of my head too firmly.
Violent waves of pain hit my stomach and I crouched down in response to them. Never again, I thought. I sat down on the floor of the shower, hoping it would help. A stream of blood mixed into the water, and then I threw up. Another flashback caused me to flinch when I hugged my knees.
I finished showering, got dressed, made Chloe breakfast, and drove over to Mama Mary’s.
I decided to not arrive early as I normally did. It would be the easiest way to avoid a conversation. Despite the fact that Cody should be at work, I knew he would be waiting for me. When I had turned my phone back on after getting dressed it said I had twenty-three missed calls.
I propped the door open and led Chloe in by the hand. She ran over to Cody and jumped into his lap. He hugged her while staring at me. His stare caused a prickly sensation to run up my spine. It wasn’t a good feeling, but the kind that you get when you’ve missed a step coming down the stairs and panic strikes you for a second.
I walked into the kitchen. Mama Mary put the newspaper on the table, and pulled her reading glasses off. “Good morning,” she said.
I stood at the entranceway. “Good morning. I’m running late. Chloe’s in the living room.”
“Have a good day, Hailey.”
“You too.” I turned and hesitated. I couldn’t walk out the door without saying goodbye to Chloe, and she was on Cody’s lap still.
I walked over to them, Cody watched me, and tried to grip my gaze with his eyes. I leaned over and kissed Chloe goodbye and then left.
***
I heard my phone beep and pulled it out of my purse. It was a text message from Taylor.
“Stopping by your work today. When’s your first break?”
“2PM,” I responded, and then put my phone away.
I stood at the waitress station wrapping napkins around silverware. I looked out the windows and watched the people pass by.
“Hailey, how are you today? Good to see you on this gorgeous day,” Frankie said as he pushed a rack of glasses onto the shelf next to me.
“Hi, Frankie. I’m doing well.” I continued to prepare the silverware.
“Are you feeling okay? You don’t sound well.”
“I’m tired and I’m recovering from the stomach flu, but I’ll be okay. Thanks for asking,” I replied.
“You’re such a good worker. Andy won’t be in today. He must have caught the same bug you have.”
I heard the door open and excused myself to seat the customers that had just entered the restaurant.
I knew it was going to be a rough day because of how sick I felt, and with Andy being out things would be worse. I would have to serve the entire lunch rush by myself. I’d done it before but never feeling like this. I wished I could go home, but didn’t want to leave Frankie without a server, and besides, I needed the money.
I wiped down serving trays as Frankie approached with an envelope in his hand. I took it from him and then flinched.
Frankie grabbed me by the shoulders, looking at me with concern. “Are you all right?”
After realizing what had happened I said, “Yes, my mind was elsewhere. I’m fine. You startled me. That’s all.”
“If you’re still not feeling well, go home. I can call one of the kids to come in.”
“No, Frankie. I’m okay. Really.”
“All right, Hailey. Just let me know if you need to leave. It’s really no problem. No problem at all,” Frankie said, with the concerned look still on his face. I’m sure he noticed that I looked pale and that I had dark circles under my eyes.
***
“Hey, girl!” I heard Taylor’s voice burst through the restaurant, and I turned around from the table I was cleaning. I picked up the bus bin, knowing Taylor would try to hug me when she greeted me.
“Be careful, you don’t want to get sauce on you,” I warned, taking a step back.
Taylor looked down at the dirty dishes in my hands. “Yeah, ew, gross.”
“Take a seat anywhere. Let me drop this off real quick.”
I looked back over my shoulder and asked, “Cheese?”
She nodded.
I placed an order with Frankie for two pizza slices and then went to the soda fountain to get us each a glass of diet coke. As I was filling the glasses, I hoped that I would get a few customers during my break so I didn’t have to talk to Taylor about things. Frankie’s was always pretty dead between two and four, so I knew it was unlikely.
I brought the drinks over to the table and took a seat. I sipped slowly on my drink while anticipating the questions Taylor might ask. I was sure that she wanted more details about the other night.
“You look like shit,” Taylor said.
I looked down at the table.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
I didn’t respond.
“Cody is really torn up that you aren’t talking to him. I talked to him about Erin’s friends. It’s not true, Hailey. Neither of us understands why they would have made it up. But I can tell you I know it’s not true,” Taylor said. “I’ve never seen a guy in that much pain over a girl before. He loves you, Hailey, he really loves you. It was hard to listen to him talk about it.”
I looked down at my drink, fiddling with the straw. I started to speak but then reconsidered what I was about to say. “I don’t know what’s true and what’s not right now. I do know that I’m over his band scene, the groupies, Erin, and everything associated with it. I’m not going to another show ever again, and I feel stupid that I thought something between us would have worked. The last few months haven’t been easy.”
I flinched.
“Oh my God! Are you okay?” Taylor asked.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell someone, but couldn’t.
“Yes, I’m just upset about things,” I said with a cracked voice. I wiped away a tear that had formed in my eye as Taylor checked her phone. I looked toward the kitchen so Taylor wouldn’t see how bad I felt. “I’m going to check if the slices are done.”
I reluctantly returned with the pizza slices, wanting the conversation to be over.
Taylor took a bite of her pizza.
“I had such high hopes for you guys. I’ll be so sad if you end it,” Taylor blurted out. “You’re going to have to talk to him eventually.”
“I know, I’m just not ready yet. I feel bad that he’s hurting,” I said. “I can’t right now.” I considered telling Taylor everything that had happened, but I wasn’t ready to talk. I considered the possibility that I never would be ready to talk, because right then that felt like the only option.
“Are you working tomorrow?” Taylor asked.
“I have off.
”
“So, I think we should go out to dinner and have some fun. It will take your mind off things.”
“I’ll let you know. I’ll have to check with Mama Mary to see if she can watch Chloe.”
“She will. She never tells you no.”
“I just remembered everything I have to do tomorrow. How about the day after? I can ask Mary to keep Chloe a little longer than normal. I want to spend time with Chloe tomorrow,” I said, feeling guilty about the nap I took yesterday and waking up late today.
Taylor looked at me, smiling. “It’s a date. You better not bail on me.”
“I’ll try not to,” I said, knowing that I would bail.
Chapter 24 - Hailey
A whole month had passed, and the days collided into one another. Every day felt exactly like the last. Cody called every day. He’d stop by at least twice a week, and often be at Mama Mary’s when I dropped Chloe off. It wasn’t him that made the days seem the same. It was the drinking. I knew why it had started, but I couldn’t stop it. It was the only thing that helped.
I hadn’t seen Taylor since the day at Frankie’s. She’d call a couple of times a week. Sometimes I’d answer, sometimes I wouldn’t. Yesterday I answered and agreed to go to dinner with her today.
Next week Chloe would start a new daycare. I didn’t know how else to stop Cody from forcing me to see him by showing up. He came to my work once, and that didn’t end well. My intuition told me that he would start showing up again once I put Chloe in daycare, but I wouldn’t feel trapped like I did at his mom’s. Besides, the daycare would be temporary, just one more month and I’d have enough money saved up to move out of town.
I hadn’t been to my mother’s house since the day I took the bottle of vodka. And I didn’t even worry about how she was doing. I didn’t think I’d even care if she died. The only person I cared about anymore was Chloe. I didn’t even care about myself.
As I walked into the restaurant I couldn’t even remember why the hell I’d decided to come, but there I was. Taylor was sitting at the bar to the left of me. She waved emphatically at me and said, “Hey, girl!”
She stood up to give me a hug, but I positioned myself so the bar stool was between us. She reached over and patted me on the back. I reciprocated, but I didn’t mean it.
“Are we sitting here or in a booth?” I asked.
“We have a table. I thought I would sit here so you would see me when you came in.”
Taylor led me to the table and we both took our seats.
“What’s been up with you?” Taylor asked as she opened the menu.
“Not much. What about you?”
“I broke up with Tyler,” Taylor said.
“You’re obviously not too torn up about it.”
Taylor rubbed her chin with her index finger and smiled at me. I knew what that meant. She didn’t have to say it.
“Peyton has been coming over.” A wide smile spread across her face and her eyes lit up.
“Oh.” I raised my eyebrows, faking shock.
“He keeps telling me that he wants to work on it and that he made a mistake by ending things. I kind of think that he was just jealous that I was dating someone else. If he changes his mind again this time then I’m totally done.” Taylor’s phone beeped and she checked it.
“He was over last night. He brought dinner with him and we watched a movie. It felt like it used to but I’m not getting my hopes up,” Taylor continued.
For the first time since that awful night at the Dark Horse I missed Cody. I thought about the last time we’d had dinner and watched a movie. It was when everything was all right and my life was full of excitement. I missed the feeling of having someone close to me. But now I couldn’t picture letting anybody that close again. My eyes fell to the table; I didn’t want Taylor to see the sadness they contained.
“Are you okay?” Taylor asked.
“I’m fine. I just thought about something. It’s nothing. You broke up with Tyler for him?”
“No, the timing just worked out that way. He was too much. He was constantly texting, calling, and sending flowers to my work. He was insecure and desperate.”
“At least he was certain what he wanted,” I said. The old me would have told her that she needed to make Peyton work for it harder instead of allowing him to jerk her around again. I was good at giving advice, but bad at taking my own.
“I know what you are saying but I swear I’m only giving it one last shot with Peyton.” She twisted her lips to the side. “Let’s split a few appetizers.”
“Okay with me.” I hadn’t even cracked open the menu. “You decide.”
The waitress walked over to our table. Taylor put in our appetizer order and asked for a beer.
“I’ll take one too,” I interrupted, just blurting it out, regretting saying it, but wanting a drink. I considered brushing it off as a joke, but I didn’t.
Taylor said, “What?” loudly and furrowed her brows with a shocked look on her face. The waitress looked at us curiously and then walked away.
“I’ve been trying new things lately,” I said, staring out the window.
Taylor’s phone rang and she picked it out of her purse. I flinched while Taylor was busy digging around for it. The flinching happened often, multiple times a day. It got better when I was drunk, or maybe I just noticed it less with a fuzzy mind.
Taylor shook her head and sighed. “He won’t stop calling me. I think I have a stalker.”
“Tyler?” I asked.
“Yes,” Taylor said as she placed her phone back into her purse.
“Peyton and I are going to the beach the weekend after Christmas. He’s paying for it so of course I said yes. He was able to find someone to stand in for him for the shows,” Taylor said, smirking.
“Isn’t it too cold out for that?”
“We’re going for the scenery – the smell of the ocean, the sight of the waves crashing.”
The waitress placed our drinks on the table.
“Yay, I’m so happy your first drink is with me! It’s an acquired taste. You’re not going to like it at first,” Taylor exclaimed as she held her beer up for a toast. We toasted and took a swig of our drinks.
Taylor’s eyes widened as she watched a lady walk by. The lady had gray-and-black hair that appeared as if it had not been combed in days. Purple sweatpants clung to her obese body, and the green striped dress shirt she wore was also too tight. The pieces of fabric pulled away from each other between the buttons, exposing part of her bra. Sneakers with holes in them decorated her feet.
Taylor kept staring at her, with her mouth now gaping and her eyes still wide.
I thought about the looks I would get from my customers when I flinched, and how kids used to tease me when I was younger because of my ill-fitting clothes. All I felt was compassion and empathy for the woman. There was no way to tell what her story might be.
“Don’t do that, Taylor. It’s not nice.”
“Come on. I mean, seriously. Come on. Who leaves the house like that?”
I shook my head at her, disappointed at how judgmental Taylor could be.
By the time the waitress came back to the table to deliver the appetizers I had finished my beer. I ordered another one and the waitress asked Taylor if she wanted one too. Taylor looked at her beer; seeing that it was half full she told her no.
“Thirsty?” Taylor laughed.
“Yes,” I responded as I pulled a chicken finger onto my plate.
“Is Peyton coming over tonight?” I asked in an attempt to divert Taylor’s attention to her favorite topic, herself.
“No, they have a show tonight.” She poured some barbeque sauce onto her plate. “Want to do your first shot?” Taylor asked, beaming from ear to ear in excitement.
I finished chewing and then said, “Depends on what it is.” That made me think of the nasty cheap vodka, and how horrible I’d felt the following day. I’d never felt so sick in my life.
“I’ll order us somet
hing yummy.”
I took another bite, not really hungry at all, and finished my beer.
Taylor flagged the waitress down and placed an order for two lemon drop shots. The waitress asked me if I wanted another beer, and I told her yes and thanked her. Taylor said she would take one too.
Taylor looked through her phone as she chewed on a mozzarella stick.
I usually hated it when she did that – paying more attention to her phone than the company of a person right in front of her. This time it didn’t bother me; I actually welcomed the distraction.
Taylor put her phone down on the table when the waitress returned with our drinks.
“You’re going to love this,” Taylor said as she raised her shot glass. We toasted and took the shots.
“I’m going to need to leave shortly,” I said truthfully. I had promised that I’d pick Chloe up no later than ten.
“Okay,” she said, and quickly turned the conversation back to herself. “Oh, my parents are making me move out. I don’t know how I’m going to afford anything. All my money will have to go to bills.”
“You can get another job,” I offered as a solution.
“I’m going to have to. I can’t go without shopping. It’s my only passion.”
“More like an addiction,” I said. The words stung my heart the second they fell from my lips. For the first time since I’d started drinking, I realized I could end up just like my mother. It felt like a rock was lodged in my throat, and the weight of guilt about how bad of a mother I’d become crushed me at the core.
Taylor rambled on. I heard her voice but not her words. My mind had floated to Cody, and I wanted to talk to him. But for the first time in our lives we had a bad secret between us – not a lie, but a secret, an unspoken truth. A secret so soul crushing that I was certain that if he found out he wouldn’t like me anymore, much less love me. I was certain if anyone found out, they would hate me the way I hated myself.
The Secret That Intervened Page 16