I got Hailey’s phone from her purse and put it on the nightstand after sending her a text that said, “I have Chloe.”
Chapter 27 - Hailey
The blasts coming from my alarm jarred me out of sleep. I smacked the top of it with the palm of my hand and then dozed back into sleep until the alarm sounded again.
The dryness in my mouth and the thirst in my throat persuaded me to open my eyes and stretch out my arms. Sleep gave way to consciousness, and the guilt of drinking yesterday settled in. I had taken a flask of flavored vodka with me to work. I just wanted something to dull the flinching.
The flinching was god-awful, but now I had something worse in its place. My embarrassment over the disappointment I’d caused Frankie yesterday made me cringe with self-contempt.
A kink in my neck and the tightness of the muscles in my legs briefly silenced the loathing, giving me a bit of a reprieve. Every morning I awoke with the same thoughts, my self-esteem obliterated weeks ago.
The chill in the air shocked my body as I pulled the covers back and stood up. My head was throbbing and I felt as though I was spinning as the dizziness took hold. I shut my eyes and drew in a few deep breaths.
I began my now normal morning routine, getting a glass of water and a pain pill. After tossing back the pill I refilled my glass twice.
I looked around at the kitchen and noticed how clean it was. The last thing I remembered was turning off the television. I couldn’t recall how I’d got into bed, nor did I remember cleaning the kitchen.
I got showered and dressed and headed into Chloe’s room to see if she was up yet. After realizing she wasn’t in bed, I flicked on the light switch.
“Chloe, where are you?”
“Stop hiding from Mommy, baby. Where are you?”
“Chloe?” I started to scream as I frantically checked underneath the beds, in the closet, in the cabinets in the kitchen. Full-blown panic set in. My heart was racing and I felt like I might hyperventilate. Passing out seemed inevitable. I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. Sweat dripped down the sides of my face, and my hands were shaking out of control.
My eyes settled on the comforter and pillow on the couch. They were Chloe’s; I thought she must have awoken and brought them out there. Self-hatred was overwhelming me. I hated that I couldn’t remember what I did last night. My eyes searched around the living room and I realized all of the trash was gone.
I raced toward the door; it was locked. My hands were shaking so bad, I struggled to get it open. Frustrated, I yanked on the handle as hard as I could and sent the door slamming into the closet behind it.
“Chloe, where are you?” I screamed as I sprinted past the trash cans and into the backyard. She was nowhere to be found. My heart was beating at such a fast pace I swore it was going to leap out of my chest. I ran into the front yard and looked around, screaming her name.
Guilt and pain coursed through me as I made my way back into the house.
I stood there frozen, crying, and felt deservingly like I was the worst mother in the entire world. Terror pulsed through me as I emptied the contents of my purse on the kitchen counter, searching for my phone. My hands continued to shake as I moved the random items around. It wasn’t there. I double-checked my purse to make sure I hadn’t missed it.
I ran into my bedroom, remembering I’d knocked something off the nightstand when I turned the alarm off. I frantically searched through my contact list, then the line rang.
“Hey,” Cody answered.
“Cody, I’ve lost Chloe!” I screamed through the phone, bawling loudly in fits of pain as I said it.
I was rambling on into the phone. He kept trying to interrupt me.
“Hailey, stop and listen!” he said. “I have her. We’re at my mom’s. I came over last night, you were passed out. She was crying.”
A huge wave of relief came over me, and then anger at both myself and Cody took its place. I snatched up my keys from the counter and headed to my car.
***
I walked into the house. Chloe was sitting at the table, eating breakfast. Cody was next to her and Mama Mary was putting dishes into the dishwasher. They both turned and watched as I approached Chloe. The air was thick with tension, but I didn’t care. I ignored them both and headed toward Chloe.
I kneeled down next to her. Squeezing her as tightly as I could, I said, “Mommy is so sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry.” My voice was cracking and my eyes felt swollen. I knew I shouldn’t have been crying in front of her. She didn’t know what was going on, but I couldn’t contain the emotion.
Out of the corner of my eye I caught Mama Mary shaking her head at Cody with a frown on her face. Catching that look of disappointment made me feel even worse. She had always complimented me, told me how good of a mother I was.
Cody slammed his hand down on the table. I looked in his direction. He held my gaze with an angry look in his eyes.
“You need to pull yourself together,” Cody said. “And I’m not just talking about right now.”
My face went cold; I clenched my teeth, and narrowed my eyes at him. All the anger I felt toward him returned and I wanted to smack him, make him shut up.
My voice erupted with pure hatred. “You had no right. No right to come into my house and take my child.”
“I had every right. This is the second night in a row. And I know what’s in your trashcan.”
“Give me my key back.” The kind of anger that comes with self-defensiveness and embarrassment was growing stronger.
“Hailey, knock it off,” Mama Mary scolded. It was the first time she had ever reprimanded me in any kind of way.
When I looked over at her, she had a look on her face that I had never seen. She was pissed at me. “Take it outside,” she said, and then pointed to Chloe.
Cody stood up and walked toward the living room. I gave Chloe a kiss and then followed behind him. I let the door slam behind me as I walked onto the porch.
I looked him in the eye with my jaw taut, and no doubt in my mind that he had crossed the line. “Give me my key back,” I said through my teeth. I projected every ounce of hatred I had for myself onto him. I was certain that I hated him.
“No,” he said. “Someone’s got to look after the two of you. You’re falling apart, Hailey.”
“Give me my key, Cody. I almost had a heart attack this morning. I can’t believe you did that to me.”
He folded his arms in front of him and his feet were firmly planted wide apart. His disposition and posture suggested a confidence that made me angrier with him.
“You have that child living in a filthy house. It’s not a good environment for either one of you.”
“It’s not your business,” I snapped at him.
“It will always be my business. You are my business,” he replied, staring me down, making me feel intimidated.
“We’re not together anymore, Cody.”
“That doesn’t matter.” He shook his head at me. “You don’t stop this, you’re going to end up just like your mother.”
The pain of that statement slammed through me, making me feel ashamed and sad. The second my palm hit his face I regretted it. He looked at me with such hurt in his eyes. His entire expression was one of disbelief and deep pain. I had never hit him. He had never hit me. He would never hit me. I thought about the condescending smirk that Jason had on his face when I smacked him. Cody just looked hurt and I was the one who did it.
My eyes refused to meet his. The truth in what he said ate its way through me. I sat down on the patio swing with my hands folded together on my lap. Cody sat down next to me.
“I was out of line, Hailey. I didn’t mean it, baby.”
He reached his hand to me. My body clenched and he pulled it away. Tears began to stream from my eyes again. I knew I was becoming my mother. Cody had just solidified that fact with his words. There was no more anger in me toward him. It dissolved into my own pool of self-contempt.
“I don’t know why you
won’t talk to me and tell me what is wrong with you. I wish you would talk to me. We’ve always talked about everything.”
“You’ll just hate me,” I said.
“I could never hate you.” He sat down beside me and grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Please tell me what’s wrong with you.”
“I can’t. I just can’t.” I pulled my chin from his grasp and hung my head.
Chapter 28 - Cody
My brakes squealed as my pickup slid into a parking spot in front of Frankie’s. I had known for a week that I needed to change out the pads, but with everything else going on it was the last thing that concerned me. Peering into the window from my truck I saw Hailey approaching a table, balancing a tray of drinks in her hand. A pair of boys around Chloe’s age sat in the booth with their parents.
After placing the drinks onto the table, she took out a pad from the pocket of her apron and pulled a pen out from behind her ear. That’s when it finally occurred to me – her diary. It was the only thing that might give me some answers – she was certainly not going to on her own.
Hailey looked up. The way she shook her head told me that she’d spotted me watching her.
I pumped on the gas pedal, anxious to get to her place and figure this new Hailey out. My mind ran in circles as I reconsidered reading her diary several times on my way to her house. Reading it would be a major violation of her privacy, worse than me taking Chloe from her house the other night. But ultimately, I knew it was my only shot at figuring out what was wrong with her.
***
Beer cans were on the coffee table again, and Chloe’s toys were scattered in random spots in the living room. The smell of rotting food and trash was replaced by the smell of stale smoke. In a span of less than two days the place had become a mess again, certainly not as bad as the other day, but definitely bad under Hailey’s old standards. The dining room table still had clothes on top of it and all of the plants she had bought were dead. I didn’t notice the dead plants last time I was there. They fit the situation perfectly.
I glanced at the kitchen on the way to her bedroom. Dishes had piled up in the sink, but they weren’t spilling over onto the countertops. I turned on the light in the kitchen and looked around. It looked like she had managed to keep the counters and floor clean. The refrigerator gave off a sour smell as I opened it. A half-finished bottle of wine and a six-pack of beer sat on the shelves.
The bed concaved, giving way to my weight. I drew in a deep breath and then opened the drawer to her nightstand. I picked it up, certain that the thing would burn a hole in my hand for even considering reading it. Sitting there, staring at it for minutes, I felt like the damn thing was staring back, begging me to read it. After wiping non-existent dust off of the cover, I stopped hesitating.
I decided I would read only the latest entries until I was given some clues. The blank pages passed through my fingers until I came to the start of the last entry the diary contained. My eyes remained unfocused on the text, only scanning the dates at the upper-right-hand corner. Flipping the pages quickly, I noted the dates of the last two entries. The last one had the date of the night we made love for the first and only time. The one after that was dated exactly five days ago.
I was only concerned with the last entry; it had to have the answers. There was no way I could justify reading the one prior to it. Everything was fine on that day. My chest heaved as I drew in another deep breath, and I told myself that I needed to read it even if it didn’t give me the answers I was looking for. My eyes focused on the text and I began to read.
The first sentence made me want to shut the book, and go back to Frankie’s and beg for her to let me help her, but I forced myself to continue reading anyway.
Dear Diary,
Everything inside of me is broken and I’ve begun questioning whether I want to be alive at all. I know I need to be here for Chloe, but somehow right now it’s just not enough. And that kills me. I feel like a horrible mother and a horrible person.
Every day the flashbacks happen and I don’t know how long I can continue dealing. I keep doing this weird thing where my head and eyes shake in rapid micro movements while my eyelids are opened fully. That’s the best I can describe it. I know how it feels when it happens, but I am frightened by the thought of how it must look.
People have noticed and I’m beginning to think that I’m making my customers uncomfortable. Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of taking an order and zone out. It’s the twitching that brings me back. It’s like I’m gone when it happens and then I’m suddenly back. After it happens I have strangers’ eyes upon me, looking at me with concerned eyes, and quite honestly I think they are a little frightened by me. It’s just so completely and utterly embarrassing. I wish so much that it would stop happening.
Every single day, and every second since that night happened my entire existence has had this dark plague surrounding it. I only get a break from the thoughts that keep flashing in my mind when I’m drunk. A part of me knows that drinking is not the right solution, but I weaken under the grip of the pain every single time. I feel like I’m not in control of myself anymore, and to be honest it scares me.
I wish that I didn’t feel so ashamed of myself. There’s something in the core of me that is broken, and I know it. I feel empty all the time. I’ve been through a lot of things in life, but self hatred and this kind of shame is absolutely the worst. This contempt I hold toward myself has become my secret prison.
I keep telling myself that I begged him not to do it. That I said no – over and over again. But I didn’t fight. I didn’t show him how much I didn’t want it. I kept thinking about what Jason did to me when it was happening. I was afraid to fight. I was afraid to fight, and I keep thinking there must have been a reason for my fear. Did I really let that stop me? I hate myself so much right now. All of the strength in me broke that day. I don’t know how I’ll ever get it back.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get over the memories of being treated like an animal. My head was so sore the next day. He just kept ramming me into the headboard. He had to hear the sound of that. He had to know he was hurting me.
But he didn’t stop. He didn’t stop making my head smack against it, despite me screaming in agony. I’m never going to be okay again, I know it. Every second, every memory of the moments in my mind keeps breaking me apart. God, please tell me he didn’t know how bad he was hurting me.
The blood left on the toilet paper in the days after was the worst. I was scared to go to the bathroom for a whole week. I think he ruptured something inside of me after he flipped me over onto my stomach. The thought of it just really makes me sick. I can’t stand the thoughts any longer. Quite honestly, right now I really need a drink.
I couldn’t have been raped if I didn’t fight back, could I? I didn’t fight back, but I said no and told him to stop. I feel so horrible. I’m so dirty and disgusting.
I don’t know how to fix what’s broken inside of me… I don’t even know what the “it” is that’s broken. Sometimes I think it might be my soul. How could a person ever possibly heal their own soul?
Missed talking to you,
Hailey
I laid the book beside me on the bed. The taste of blood hit my tongue as I bit my bottom lip. I knew it was going to be bad, but not that bad. My throat tightened and I began to feel dizzy. My heart was breaking for her, and I swore I could feel an ache stretching through me each time it beat.
The memory of how she looked the day following that horrible night haunted my mind. I wished I had known what had happened. I thought about why she didn’t tell anyone and knew the situation made her feel small, like she was nothing. That she was raped was clear to me. I couldn’t believe she even questioned it. It was nothing less than evident to me that she had been, and a piece of her had to know that too. I never thought that rape would have been the secret she was concealing. Even though I knew something was wrong, I never could have imagined it was something that bad.
I sat there for an hour waiting for her to get home.
I heard the front door open. I glanced at her diary beside me.bed beside me. There was no way I was about to hide the fact that I knew or that I had violated her privacy, convinced that it would force her to talk to me about it. If she would talk to anybody about it, it would be me.
She called my name from the door. I knew she would see my truck outside of her house on the way to pick up Chloe.
“Cody?” Her voice was flat, emotionless. The only way I could tell she was angry was by the heaviness of her footsteps as she approached me. I knew as I waited for her that she would either flip out on me or fly into a fit of tears.
“Yeah,” I said as I stood up. That single word is all I could think of at the time. I made it two feet out of the bedroom before she met me in the hall.
“What are you doing here?” She moved past me and walked into the bedroom.
“I needed to know,” I confessed, and looked at the diary on the bed.
“You read it.” A look of horror took over her face. “You read my diary?” She grabbed her chin.
Her shoulders hunched and her bottom lip began to quiver. She wrapped her arms across herself, gripping her shoulders with her hands.
Her eyes remained focused on the diary. She stood there almost like a statue, with the exception of quivering lips and shaky arms. Her jaw clenched, and her eyes were downcast. Tears started pouring out of her eyes. I walked toward her. I wanted her to talk to me about it. I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to take her pain away.
“Get out,” she said in a low voice as I took another small step toward her.
“Hailey, please talk…” I began to say as Hailey interrupted.
“Get out,” she said a little louder, taking a step away from me.
She positioned herself so she was facing me and the entrance of her bedroom.
She looked up at me; her eyes were red and the tears hadn’t stopped.
“Hailey, please…”
“GET OUT!,” she screamed in rage, taking both of her hands and pushing me as hard as she could against my chest.
The Secret That Intervened Page 18