by Maya Banks
was merely that desperate. The thought amused her because she would have never described herself as desperate before meeting Jensen. Now all she could think about was getting him naked and them being skin to skin.
An uproar close to the door had Kylie picking her head up to see what the ruckus was about. Her mouth twisted in distaste when she saw an obviously drunk—and loud—man being coaxed from the bar by his harried female companion.
She glanced away, not wanting anything to ruin her night.
Jensen paid the bill and then stood and took her hand, pulling her to her feet. He tucked her against his side and they walked to the door and into the night.
She didn’t realize anything was wrong until Jensen went rigid against her. She glanced up in the direction of where he was staring, startled when a low growl rumbled from his chest.
The couple she’d noticed before had evidently taken their altercation into the parking lot. The man had his fist in the woman’s hair and was yelling obscenities at her.
Then to her utter horror, the man struck the woman with his fist, knocking her to the ground.
Jensen lunged for the man, knocking him flat with a well-aimed blow. The man went down. Hard. Kylie stood frozen, unable to react or move as Jensen bent over the fallen woman and helped her to her feet.
Kylie’s heart was thundering against her chest and sweat beaded on her forehead. Nausea rose, sharp in her stomach, and she had to swallow back the urge to rid her stomach of its contents.
“Are you all right?” Jensen asked the woman in a gentle voice. “Let me help you. I’ll call the police and have this bastard locked up.”
“No!” the woman all but shrieked. “Please, just leave us alone. You’ll only make it worse!”
Her voice turned pleading. She grasped Jensen’s hand and shook him, desperation in her eyes and words.
Jensen stared at her in shock and then glanced at where the man lay groaning on the ground.
“You want me to walk away after what he did to you?” Jensen asked hoarsely.
“Please, just go,” the woman begged. “I’ll get him home. He didn’t mean it. He’s just drunk. He has no idea what he’s doing. He won’t even remember in the morning.”
“And how the hell will you explain that bruise on your cheek?” Jensen demanded.
The woman glanced in panic at the man who was trying to get to his feet. “It doesn’t matter. Okay? Just go, please. I’ll deal with him. He didn’t mean anything by it. Please just go. It’ll be worse for me if you interfere.”
Kylie found her feet and her tongue at last. She slid up behind Jensen and tucked her hand into his. He turned as if just realizing she was there. Darkness simmered in his eyes. Rage coiled and burned, his entire body bristling.
“Let’s go, Jensen,” she whispered. “He’ll hurt her more. She doesn’t want you to call the police.”
“Listen to her,” the woman urged. “It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before. He’ll regret it in the morning, if he even remembers.”
“That’s no excuse,” Jensen said flatly. “You should have his ass thrown in jail and swear out a restraining order against him.”
Kylie tugged at his hand, desperate to get away before the situation escalated. The man was struggling to his feet and whirling, obviously looking for his companion. The woman he’d just flattened with his fist.
The woman threw them one last desperate look and then went to the man’s side, sliding up against him, supporting his weight.
Jensen swore violently under his breath. His entire body quivered against her. His fingers were squeezing hers so tightly that she realized how tenuous his hold on his control was.
She pulled once more, worried he’d go after the man again. To her relief, this time he came with her. The entire way to his car, he kept glancing over his shoulder, worry evident in his gaze as he searched out the man and woman.
“Goddamn it, that makes me sick,” Jensen swore as he guided Kylie into the passenger seat.
Kylie stared out her window as the woman struggled to get the man in the passenger seat of their vehicle. Her heart clenched as she imagined the life this woman must lead. A life where she made excuses for her husband or boyfriend’s abuse. She closed her eyes, only wanting to shut out the images bombarding her from all sides.
The evening lay in ruins, her earlier optimism fading rapidly.
The entire way home, silence lay heavy over the inside of the car. Jensen’s hands were tightly curled around the steering wheel, his stare fixed ahead as he navigated through traffic. Several times she glanced his way but he never took his eyes from the road.
The tension was thick, a tangible cloak surrounding them, almost suffocating in its intensity. She’d seen the terrible rage in Jensen’s eyes and then . . . bleakness. So much grief and sorrow that it had overwhelmed her.
What darkness did he have in his past? They’d only spoken briefly about it. He’d hinted that he had his own demons to fight and the one time she’d asked, he’d steered her away from the conversation, saying he’d tell her later.
Now she realized that she had to know. Now, not later.
She’d been so absorbed in her own issues that she hadn’t given any thought to his, an oversight she intended to correct immediately.
If he’d open up to her.
She flinched because she hadn’t opened up to him but here she was expecting him to bare his soul to her. He knew some of her past, but she knew nothing of his. And if they had any hope of moving forward, they not only had to put her demons to rest, but his as well. Starting now.
TWENTY-ONE
JENSEN unlocked the door to his house and ushered Kylie in. He glanced sideways at her to see her face was drawn and pale. She had her arms hugged around herself and was rubbing her palms up and down her skin in agitation.
He swore under his breath because the night lay in ruins. He knew well what Kylie had planned, what she’d likely been working her nerve up to do all week. And now? Who knew what kind of hell she was enduring after that asshole’s behavior in the parking lot.
It went against every grain for him to just walk away when he damn well knew the bastard would hurt the woman again and again. He’d continue to do it until she fought back, until she put a stop to it. But for Jensen to just walk away and pretend he hadn’t witnessed what he did?
It made him sick.
His own demons came roaring to life, no longer contained by the barriers he’d erected over the years. They were simmering just below the surface, scratching and clawing their way out of his mind.
“Jensen?”
Kylie’s quiet voice shook him from his thoughts. He glanced at her again to see her studying him, her expression troubled.
“Yes, baby?”
“We need to talk,” she said in a low voice.
He nodded, unable to say anything in response.
She took his hand, surprising him with the way she seemed to be trying to soothe him. As if she weren’t the one who’d just revisited hell by watching in real time everything that had happened to her. Only what she’d endured was far worse. Getting smacked in the face wasn’t even scratching the surface of all that had been done to her.
“Come into the bedroom,” she said quietly. “Let’s get into bed and we’ll talk there.”
He pulled her into his arms, simply wanting to hold her for a moment. To reassure himself that she was safe. That she was here with him and not a million miles away in another place and time.
He kissed the top of her head, inhaling the scent of her silky hair. She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him fiercely, as if again she was soothing him and not the other way around.
“I’d like that,” he said.
She drew away but kept ahold of his hand and then tugged him toward the bedroom. When they entered, she went to the drawer where most of her clothing was and pulled out a pair of pajamas.
She stripped efficiently, not at all bothered by the fact he could see her. He wa
s relieved that for the most part she didn’t seem too traumatized over the night’s events. Perhaps he was the one reeling the most. Seeing the woman brutalized in the parking lot had brought back painful memories for him. A feeling of helplessness had gripped him when the woman had pleaded with him not to call the police.
God, he never wanted to feel that helplessness again.
His hands were shaking. He hadn’t even realized it until Kylie came over to him and slid her hands into his, squeezing in a comforting manner.
“We need to get you undressed and ready for bed,” she said.
He stood there while she undressed him piece by piece. She moved slowly and almost reverently, as if she’d taken over the role of caregiver, one usually assigned to him. And yet he allowed it, savoring the sensation of having someone who loved him to care for him when he was vulnerable.
Only with this woman would he ever allow this side of himself to be exposed. With no one else had he ever felt secure enough to allow control out of his grasp.
When he was down to his underwear, she guided him toward the bed, pulling the covers back so they could get in.
As soon as they were both settled in, Kylie snuggled into his arms, pillowing her head on his shoulder.
“What happened tonight, Jensen?” she asked gently. “Aside from the obvious. I saw the look in your eyes. I saw more than anger or rage. I saw grief and . . . despair. You once told me that I wasn’t the only one who struggled with the demons of their past. Will you tell me about them now?”
He closed his eyes a moment, wondering just how much he should tell her. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell her or didn’t trust her enough to share. He worried that it would bring back unpleasant memories for her if he related his own tormented childhood.
As if reaching into his mind and plucking out his thoughts, she cupped his jaw and smoothed her hand over his cheek.
“Tonight is about you,” she said in a soft voice. “I don’t want you to worry about me. For once, let me be the strong one for you. I’ll listen. To whatever you tell me. And I’ll never tell anyone else. You can trust me.”
He turned his face in to her hand, kissing her palm. “Ah, Kylie, I trust you absolutely. I trust you more than anyone else. I just don’t want to hurt you or bring back painful memories for you.”
“You won’t,” she said solemnly. “Not tonight. Tonight I’m here to listen. To be strong for you like you’ve been strong for me.”
God, but he loved this woman. The idea of not being with her ripped a hole in his heart. He never wanted to contemplate a life without her. Not now that he had her. She belonged to him, and he’d never willingly let her go.
She touched his face again, lightly stroking the curve of his jaw.
“I love you. Remember that. Nothing you say will ever change that.”
He closed his eyes, wondering how he’d gotten so damn lucky. Who would have ever thought he’d meet his soul mate in a woman with whom sexual dominance wasn’t possible. But then she’d likely never pondered or entertained even for a moment becoming involved with a dominant man, so perhaps they were even.
“I hope to hell that will always be the case,” he said.
She nodded, sincerity blazing in her eyes.
He sucked in a breath, taking the plunge. He wanted to get it over with. Like ripping a bandage off quickly.
“Like you I come from an abusive background. My father—”
He choked on the words, hating to give the man who’d been such a monster the reverence of that title.
Sorrow filled her eyes. And understanding. But she remained silent, not interrupting him as he struggled with how to continue.
“Unlike in your case, most of his abuse wasn’t directed at me. I wish to hell it had been. That I could have dealt with. But he took out his rage on my mother and I was helpless to do anything but watch and then pick up the pieces afterward. I hate that feeling. I hate it.”
A tear slid down Kylie’s cheek, her grief as thick as his own. She understood all too well his feelings on the subject. She knew more than anyone else his pain and the wretchedness of his memories.
Her hand trembled against his cheek but she kept it there, a silent signal of her love and support.
“Did it ever stop?” she asked quietly.
Jensen closed his eyes, pain burning like fire in his chest. It was almost too much, going back to that time in his life. He hadn’t opened that door in a very long time and now that it was flung wide, he couldn’t keep it under control.
Images flashed in his mind, tumbling faster and faster until he was dizzy from it.
“No,” he whispered. “God, no. He was a bastard to the bitter end. The day he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I celebrated. Jesus. I was fucking thrilled that the old man was going to endure a painful death. I wished it on him. Time and time again, and all I could think when it happened was that God had answered my prayer. How twisted is that?”
“It’s not,” she defended. “It was justice. It was what he deserved.”
“And my mother. God, she sat with him until the bitter end. I never understood that. But when it was over, she cleaned out their bank accounts, gave me the money and told me to go and be happy. Be happy. As if it were that easy. She expected me to walk away and leave her, move on with my life and forget the hell he put us both through.”
Her brow furrowed. “Did you?”
Jensen shook his head. “I couldn’t just leave her. I resented her for sticking by him through his illness, but I couldn’t just walk away from her. I didn’t understand why she didn’t walk away at her first opportunity. Maybe I’ll never understand it.”
“What happened?” she asked softly.
She’d picked up on the fact that there was more.
He lay back, staring at the ceiling, feeling anger and . . . betrayal, a sense of betrayal. One he’d never fully recognized until now. He felt betrayed by his mother, only now he couldn’t help but wonder if she’d done the best thing she could have.
“She left,” he said, trying to keep the bitterness from his words. “Since I wouldn’t just leave her and go on my way, she did.”
Kylie’s mouth dropped open in shock. Anger flickered in her eyes before she stifled it and blinked it away.
“She left? Just like that?”
Jensen nodded. “I never saw her or heard from her again. There was a time I searched for her. After college, when I landed a job and started making money. I wanted to see how she was doing. I wanted to give her back what she’d given to me, because she was left with nothing. I always wondered how she managed. But she disappeared. I have no idea if she’s alive or dead. In my darkest moments, I wonder if she didn’t go away so she could die. If she perhaps didn’t do the job herself. Maybe she was trying to spare me more pain. Who knows? I know that’s a horrible thing to imagine, but I can’t come up with another explanation.”
“Oh, Jensen,” she said, her voice aching with emotion. “I’m so sorry. How awful for you not to know. I can’t imagine what that’s like. To need closure and have no possible way for you to achieve it.”
“I just want to know that she’s okay,” he said in a low voice. “That maybe she’s even happy. At times I think I’ve made peace with it all, and at others, I recognize that I’ll never fully be at peace over the entire thing.”
“That’s understandable.”
“And sometimes I wonder if she blamed me,” he said baldly. “For not protecting her. For allowing him to hurt her. If she hated me for it. For my weakness.”
Kylie rose over him, her eyes stricken. “Jensen, no! You were just a child. You were the one who was supposed to be protected. By your father and your mother. It wasn’t your job to protect her. You aren’t to blame for what he did.”
“I wish I could believe that,” he said wearily. “I just wish I could tell her I was sorry. She was a good woman. But she’d been beaten down too many times. Her spirit was just broken. She was utterly defeated and in
the end I just don’t think she had anything left. Maybe she didn’t want me to see her that way. Maybe that’s why she tried to get me to leave and when I didn’t, she did. I guess I’ll never know.”
She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him to her. He could feel dampness on her cheek. Her tears for him shining on her skin.
The very last thing he wanted was to cause her pain. To make her remember. He wrapped his arms around her, thrusting his fingers into her hair, just holding her close.
“Two wounded souls finding the light,” she whispered against his neck. “We need each other, Jensen. We understand all too well.”
“I do need you,” he said, the words a benediction. “So much, baby. I can’t even explain it to myself, how you mean so much to me in such a short time. I never believed in destiny before but you’re clearly mine. Made for me.”
“And you were made for me,” she said, rising above him again.
Her hair streamed over her shoulders, falling over his face, silken strands caressing his skin. Then she lowered her lips to his, breathing him in as she kissed him.
Warm and so very sweet. Soft and soothing. She sipped at him, tasting and then drinking deeply from him.
She hesitated for a brief moment, sorrow entering her gaze.
“Let me get the rope.”
Her words were more of an apology than a statement or declaration. She was apologizing for needing the goddamn rope. Didn’t she know that he’d tie himself to the bed for the rest of his life if that was the only way he could have her?
“In the drawer,” he said, latching onto her gaze, telling her without words not to apologize. Not for this. Never for this.
She slid off the bed and returned a moment later with the rope and then very gently secured his wrists to the headboard. She wouldn’t meet his gaze and it gutted him that she would feel shame for the way they made love.
“Kylie, baby, look at me, please.”
She finished securing the last knot and then sat back on her heels, her gaze slowly drifting upward until it locked with his.
“I’m okay with this. I need you to be okay with it too. And we don’t have to do this right now. It’s been a heavy night. I’m just as happy to hold you.”
She shook her head, her eyes going soft with love. Then she leaned down and kissed him, tugging at his bottom lip with a playful nip.
“I want to make love to you right now,” she whispered against his mouth. “I need to show you my love. Not just say it. You’ve been so strong for me. It’s my turn to be strong for you. To let you lean on me for once. Let me do this. For you. For us.”
He groaned, his dick threatening to tear a hole in his underwear. He was desperate for her. He needed her. Wanted her touch. Her sweetness and her light. Tonight more than ever.
She brushed her mouth over his chin and down his neck, sliding over his chest and further, over his taut abdomen. He flinched, his muscles tightening as her tongue swept a path across his flesh.
She made love to him as sweetly with her mouth as he’d ever been made love to. He was on fire for her, his need a desperate, tangible thing.
She hooked her fingers in the band of his underwear and gently tugged downward. His dick surged upward, bursting free of constraint. Already, moisture beaded and seeped from the tip. He had no control around her, given freely or not.
She licked a path upward on the underside of his erection and then back down again, swirling and lavishing sweetness over his balls. He pulled against his restraints, reaching for her even as he knew the impossibility of such an action. One day. One day he’d touch her as she was touching him. He’d caress and stroke the fire inside her to fever pitch.
She circled the head with her tongue and then sucked him deep into her mouth. His eyes rolled back into his head as pleasure exploded in his groin. Then she slid up, letting the tip fall free from her lips.
Her eyes glowing with resolve, she pulled her pajama top up and over her head, baring her breasts to his avid gaze. He sucked in his breath, afraid to hope when she went for her bottoms.
It took her a moment to get free of the bottoms and then her panties followed suit, baring her completely.
He soaked in every inch of her skin, her curves and swells, a feast of feminine flesh that had him salivating with the need to taste and touch her.
“Baby, you don’t have to do this.”
There was fire and determination in her eyes. “Yes, I do. I want to. I need to.”
“Take your time then,” he gently urged. “We have all night.”