by SR Jones
“Great,” I say. I mean it too. I want to meet her and do something normal for once. I love this house, but I’m beginning to feel stir crazy here.
Most of the time, I’m okay. I keep myself busy, but if I let my guard down for a moment the thoughts come rushing in. Dark thoughts about who my father really was. What he did. Then the panic starts low in my gut and spreads until it’s a burning fire consuming me. Eating me alive. Then I have to move. So I go and swim in the pool or ask Justina to come for a walk with me.
I wish Andrius had a dog. I love animals and always wanted a dog growing up, but Dad said it wasn’t practical with us renting and living right in the middle of the city. Plenty of Londoners had pets, though. I keep thinking, I should ask Andrius. I think he’d give me one if I did.
I turn to him and blurt it out before I can think better of it. “I want a dog.”
He blinks twice and then frowns. “What? Where did that come from?”
“I want a dog. I need a companion … a friend. I don’t know, I feel as if I need someone when you’re not here.”
“You know,” Ethan says, glancing between us, “wouldn’t be a bad idea. I have a friend who trains protection dogs. Some of them, they’re simply trained to be guard dogs and nothing more. You’d keep them outside, make sure they were warm obviously, but they aren’t pets. Some, though, they’re dual purpose if you like. My girl, Cindy, is. He’s always training dogs for high net-worth clients. If I give him a call, I’m sure he can fix you up.”
“Can we?” I turn to Andrius and see he’s concerned.
Shit. It hits me then. He doesn’t want a dog because it’s a huge long-term commitment. I’ve asked him for something normal couples with a future do, not people thrown together by circumstance. I know he wants me, and he is jealous over me, but I doubt he’s planning the damned wedding. Once this is all sorted, he’ll probably let me go. I’ll be safe then at some point. He says Allyov has already agreed to let me alone. Once all this mess with Kyrylo that’s now popped up on the radar is done with, Andrius will probably simply set me free and say goodbye.
The idea should fill me with joy. Free. Able to get on with my life as I see fit. Trouble is, I have no life. No plans.
That’s not what fills me with dread, though. Life is easy to make when you’re young. I can do anything almost. I bet if I asked him Andrius would give me enough money to see me through university. I could be a doctor. A vet. Any fucking thing I want.
No, the dread isn’t at the thought of the open road of my life ahead of me.
The dread is the thought of being on the open road and not having Andrius by my side.
I watch him as he climbs the stairs to get changed, and I swallow hard.
Oh, God. Despite everything, the whole epic mess that is us, I think I love him.
I’m in love with him!
Heading away from Ethan, I go to the library and wander the room looking at the books.
I’ve felt for a long while I could fall for him, but I’ve already fallen and landed. These past few since I’ve been back, Andrius has been kinder, softer. In doing so he let me in, and I liked what I saw. He made the landing so soft, so easy, I didn’t even notice it happen.
Now what do I do?
I’m in love with a man who almost certainly doesn’t love me back.
I’m in love with a man when I don’t even know myself or what I want from life.
I’m in love with a man who is hardly well adjusted.
Great, here I go again. Another epic life mistake.
I suck in a deep breath and get a grip of myself. No matter what, once things are safe, I’ll leave.
The longer I stay here, the worse it will be for me when Andrius is finally done with me. And he will be. No matter how much he wants to keep me as his plaything, if he doesn’t love me, and he’s never said anything to make me think he does, one day he’ll get bored of me. Lust doesn’t last forever, not unless it’s coupled with something deeper.
“Violet?” Andrius calls for me, and I realize I’ve been deep in thought for a long time. I head out of the library to see him in the hallway.
He’s wearing dark blue jeans, and a t-shirt which fits him like a glove, showing every ridge of muscle. Holy hell, between him and Ethan, the women at Foxglove Garden Center, where we’re heading, will have a field day.
We take Ethan’s car, and I sit in the back thinking Andrius will take the front, but he surprises me by getting in the back with me. As Ethan drives, Andrius picks my hand up and holds it in his.
I need him to stop doing stuff like this. To stop making me feel as if we’re something … more. He’s going to break my heart. He already has in many ways. Without him in my life, I’d never have known the awful truth about my father.
My father raped Andrius’ sister, and now Andrius is holding my hand and pretending it doesn’t matter, but it will. One day, he’ll look at me and merely feel an empty lack of lust, and he’ll probably hate me. Once the weird attraction he’s got for me runs out, it will leave a void, and the twisted, horrible histories of our families will rush in and fill it.
I want to cry.
Why do I do this to myself? Why? I should walk away right now. Take Ethan up on his offer, but I can’t. I want more of this. As much as I can get before the inevitable happens, and I walk away.
His hand is so warm wrapped around mine, and his callused thumb is rubbing a pattern over the back of my hand.
Those calluses are from firing deadly weapons. Killing people. How many, I don’t know, and it still doesn’t change how I feel about him.
Suddenly something strikes me. An epiphany of sorts.
If I don’t care about the bad things Andrius has done, because of the way he makes me feel, can I get to a place where I can forgive my father? His crime was so much worse to me somehow.
It doesn’t make sense. Taking a life, that’s the ultimate crime. Society deems it so, but to me, rape seems worse. So much worse.
He was a good father to me, though. Perhaps he spent many years regretting what he’d done in his youth. I’ll never know because he’s gone now, but can I get to a place where I can accept he was a terrible human being but a good father? For my own sake more than his.
We reach the garden center, and Ethan slides his fancy car smoothly into a parking space, and we all climb out.
There aren’t many people here, but it’s a week day. I expect it’s bustling on a Saturday or Sunday.
We head through a variety of vivid flowers and green shrubs toward the back of the garden center where the coffee shop is.
As we near the wooden hut-style building, I see a petite blonde girl, wearing a summery dress that’s pretty but oddly old-fashioned, almost demure. Her hair is in a high ponytail, and she’s looking at a bright pink plant. I think it’s a fuchsia, but I’m no green-fingered expert.
She looks up, sees us, and grins wide. She’s gorgeous. Beautiful and happy, and her smile is like the sun coming up in the morning. It’s all for Ethan too. He goes up to her, holds her ponytail to give him leverage, angles her head to where he wants it and kisses her as if he’s not seen her for a decade. Right here, amongst the fuchsias in a garden center with a group of old ladies watching openmouthed.
Wow.
Okay, I think I get why Isla fell head over heels for Ethan.
When he’s done, he pulls away, gestures to us, and says, “Babe, meet Violet … and Andrius.”
I can tell he doesn’t want her to meet Andrius, and I wonder if he’s got the same jealousy bug Andrius has over his woman meeting any man under the age of sixty who possesses his own teeth, or if it’s because he doesn’t like Andrius.
“Hey, Violet, nice to meet you.” Isla smiles, and it’s a bit shy.
A touch of color heats her cheeks. “I hope you don’t mind me dragging you along for a coffee, but Ethan’s told me quite a bit about you, and I’ve been intrigued.”
“I don’t mind at all,” I tell her, wanting to put
her at ease. She’s a contradiction. Bright, breezy, and oh-so-pretty, but I can tell she’s unsure underneath it. A little bit shy.
Wow, we are more alike maybe than I’d thought.
Looking at her, we could be sisters, with her being the one who is prettier. Her eyes are bright blue and stand out in her face. Her hair seems to have more warmth and a variety of shades to it compared to mine. Her skin holds a light tan, and she has freckles on her face, more than me. I get a tiny sprinkling when I’ve been in the sun, but she has them on her nose and over her cheeks, and I bet she even has them in winter.
We head toward the door of the coffee shop as if we’ve known one another forever, those sorts of friends that simply follow one another around because they know without saying where they’re going.
“We’ll get a table back here, so you girls can talk,” Ethan says.
Andrius looks unhappy with the idea, but gives a curt jerk of his head in agreement.
“Thanks.” Isla smiles at Ethan.
“What do you want to drink?” he asks. “I’ll order for you ladies and get it sent over.”
“Ooh. A mocha, please. I’ll push the boat out.”
I smile at Ethan. “Mocha for me too, please.”
“See. We’re even coffee twins,” Isla says with a little laugh.
There’s something about her that’s almost childlike.
“Come on, let’s go sit by the window, so we’ve got a nice view.”
We sit, and I brace myself for the interrogation I can sense she’s dying to start with, but she surprises me. While gazing out the window, she turns to me and asks, “Do you garden?”
I laugh. “No. I kill anything green I get near.”
“Ethan … we have a gorgeous garden. I still think of it as his sometimes. How silly is that? We’re married, but some days, I still think of it all as his.”
“Why?”
She shrugs. “I suppose because I moved into his home, and although he says it’s now ours, legally, in fact, I’m now registered as joint owner, he insisted on it. It feels as if it was his before I came along.”
“Why not get a place together then?” We’re already into the deeper stuff, but instead of her interrogating me, it’s me asking about her. She gives another little hitch of her shoulders. “I love it. You’ll have to come visit and see for yourself. It’s beautiful, and it suits us. We have a lot of dogs.”
“I’d love a dog,” I say. Then before I can think better of it, I add, “I asked Andrius if we can get one today, and Ethan says there are trained protection dogs which also live as a pet in your home. But Andrius didn’t seem keen. I suppose it’s a long-term commitment.”
“It is,” she says.
Then she leans forward, turns to the window for a moment, and nibbles on her bottom lip before turning back to me.
“Are you okay, Violet? When Ethan told me about your situation, I was so worried. I don’t know Andrius, but I know of him. Abi, she’s Liam’s wife, she’s met him a few times, and he terrifies her. Although he kind of saved her life.”
“He did?”
“Yeah. He cleaned up a very bad mess she made. A mess that would have resulted in a lot of trouble for her, and I so shouldn’t be telling you this. But he’s a truly scary man, Violet, and I want to know if you’re okay? Ethan and I, we’d be more than happy for you to come and stay with us. I know what happened … how you’re with Andrius, and if you don’t want to be there, we’ll get you out. Ethan and Liam say they can protect you, and I believe them. I trust them both with my life. And I trust them with yours.”
There’s a new wash of color over her cheeks, which tells me it was hard for her to say.
I look at her kind face and bright blue eyes, and I tell her the truth. I’ve got to tell someone, or I’ll lose my mind, and I can’t tell Justina because her loyalties lie with Andrius.
“I’m in such a mess, Isla. I don’t know what to do. Andrius and I … there’s no hope for us, and weirdly not because of how we met, but because of who we are and where we come from. Our history, and our families history. But the thing is … I love him. I’ve fallen in love with him, and he is scary; you’re right. I don’t think he’s quite right in the head to be honest, but neither am I. If you knew all about me, knew what I’d been planning to do, you’d probably hate me. And my father … he’s not who I thought he was.”
On those words, all the pent-up emotion I’ve been feeling spills over, and I start to cry. A chair scrapes loudly somewhere behind us, and I’m vaguely aware of Isla holding her hand up and shaking her head. I presume it is Andrius, and she’s told him to stay put.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what you’ve found out about your father. God, this is so weird. We are so very alike. My daddy isn’t who I thought he was either. He’s done some bad things, and some of those things got me and Ethan into a whole ton of trouble. I still love him, though; he’s my dad. I don’t see him the same way now. The blinders are off, and I see him as the flawed man he is.”
I wipe at my eyes with one of the napkins on the table. “What my father did is really terrible, though. And now, I’ve gone and fallen in love with a fucking hit man. I need my head examined.”
“Maybe you do,” she says, and I jerk my head up, startled at what seems like a harsh response. “And I know just the person who could do it for you. Luka’s girl, Cara, her best friend is a psychologist. Why don’t you meet with her, totally off the records, and have a chat? I can’t speak for her, but I am sure she’d be willing to do it if it helped. Then again, I’ve always found a friendly ear is as good personally.”
She surprises me by reaching across the table and squeezing my hand. “You can talk to me anytime, and I swear it won’t go any further.”
I know that’s a lie. I bet she tells Ethan everything, and then Ethan tells Luka who tells his partner and on it goes between them.
“Honestly, unless it’s something I think he needs to know, like if you told me you were in danger, I swear I wouldn’t tell Ethan. He wouldn’t expect me to either. He and I, we have a … different relationship. Old-fashioned, some might call it. He’s the one in charge, he’s the breadwinner, and I’m fine with it. Like it, in fact. I love him taking control and sorting things out. But he’s not a Neanderthal, and if I don’t tell him something, he doesn’t demand it from me. I have my privacy, and he has his. I trust him implicitly and like to believe he does me, so I swear to you, I won’t tell him anything.”
I look into her crystal-blue eyes and see nothing but the truth in them. I have to tell someone, or I’ll go mad with all this weighing me down. So I start to speak.
I start at the beginning with finding Dad’s diary and being determined to get my revenge on Allyov. She’s more than startled by my admission; her wide eyes and parted mouth show me she’s shocked to shit.
I tell her how I got given to Andrius but how he never touched me until I gave him clear permission to do so. I tell her I thought things between us might even progress to being normal, despite our bizarre start, and then I get to the part about my father. I can’t voice the horrifying truth, so I limit myself to explaining how he was part of a group who killed Andrius’ family, bad enough in and of itself without me adding the part where my own flesh and blood raped a young woman.
“So, you see,” I tell her, “it’s hopeless. He’ll never be able to love me. Oh, he wants me, and male lust is a powerful thing. Right now it’s overriding his hatred of all my father was, but once his lust runs dry, once he’s had his fill of me… He’ll start to hate me.”
She sips at her mocha, which was placed in front of her by a middle-aged waitress five minutes into my monologue of woe.
I copy her and hide my wince. It’s not a good cup of coffee.
“I think you’re wrong,” she says. “I’ve seen how he looks at you, watches you. When he saw you were upset a moment back, he shot out of his chair to come over. Lust doesn’t make a man do that.”
“Maybe.” I love
her words but hate them too. They give me hope, and if anyone knows hope is a dangerous thing. It’s me.
Chapter Nine
Andrius
I stare at a set of deep, big brown eyes. Eyes which stare back at me. I’m kind of convinced I already love the guy a little bit, and I’ve only just met Levi.
“He’s trained to protect a person, not only property. You can have him in your room, and he’ll sleep by the bed. He won’t attack unless either the command is given or a person is being hurt or harmed in any way. It does mean you have to be vigilant when out and about with him. You have a list of commands to take home with you, and we recommend training regularly as per the DVD in the pack.”
The man pats Levi who pants happily in response. “The two most important commands are Aus, which means get off, leave it. And Fass, which is the attack command.”
I nod and listen as he goes through some more instructions, and then I’m loading up my newly purchased SUV, with a special dog space for Levi in the back, and we are driving away.
I bought a dog, and a fucking SUV for the fucking dog, and I did both those things for Violet. If she asked me to buy her the moon, I’d try.
I glance at Levi in the back, hoping he’s safe. This is strange; already I feel protective. Levi’s life is now in my hands. Mine to protect but also to make happy and secure. Yes, he’s going to help protect us too, but I already feel utterly responsible for him, and it’s not a bad sensation. Not at all.
He might be a forty kilogram trained attack dog, but I already feel paternal toward Levi.
I think of Violet’s face when she sees him. She’s going to lose her shit. She’ll love him. I particularly picked a dog who, while trained, was also affectionate and would make a great companion animal.
My major worry about getting a dog is what happens if shit hits the fan and Justina, Violet, and myself have to bug out at a moment’s notice. Luckily, Ethan has said he’ll take Levi for however long is needed.
I’m starting to quite like the guy. He’s almost becoming a friend, which is weird because I don’t really have friends.