The H-Bomb and the Jesus Rock

by John Manderino

  He just kept playing hard to get.

  Or else? Maybe he really didn’t know the answer. Maybe he was even dumber than I thought—retarded dumb.

  So I said to him, like a kindergarten teacher. “The answer is sixty. There’s sixty minutes in an hour, okay? So. That means if we charged ten cents a minute? We’d be making six dollars an hour. Six...dollars...an hour, Ralph. That’s three dollars for me and three dollars for you two people. And that’s just for one hour. Think how many—”

  “Wait,” he said.

  “Sorry. Going too fast?”

  He wanted to know why I got three dollars while each of them got only a dollar and a half.

  Okay, he wasn’t retarded.

  I told him that was a very good point, very good arithmetic. But I also told him, be that as it may, I’ve got the head. “You can grab it and go running off again but I’ll just go back to your mom: Mrs. Cavaletto, what are we going to do with these two? Plus, I hate to say it, but let’s face it, I can get anybody to pass out fliers.”

  Lou

  This skinny old baldheaded guy was sleeping across the street on his porch and I kept on staring at him but I wanted to look over at Ralph, I wanted to say to him, What are you doing?

  He was talking to Fatso!

  Fatso was saying how it takes money to make money, and Ralph asked him where they would get it. Fatso said from his mom, and Ralph said, “Right.”

  Like Judas!

  Judas sold Jesus for thirty pieces of silver and that’s what Ralph was going to do, sell Jesus for six dollars an hour!

  He even took off his hat, his Francisco hat.

  I tried to think what the little girl in the story would do, in The Miracle of the Rock I mean. But it was hard to. Ralph was the one in charge of the story, what happens next, and now I didn’t even know if there was a story anymore.

  But it was still our rock, half mine. We found it.

  That wasn’t a story.

  Toby

  I was explaining to my new partner how we had to loosen up my mom, how they had to keep on playing the children of Fatima, at least for a while. Then Lou said something I didn’t hear.

  I turned to her. “Come again?”

  “Can I hold it for a minute?” She meant the rock.

  “Right, so you can go running off with it?”

  “I won’t,” she promised.

  “See now, that’s a lie. What you just said right there, young lady, is a lie. And I’m trying to remember, what was it you told me? Oh yeah, ‘Liars go to Hell,’ that was it.”

  She looked at me like she was either going to spit in my face or start crying, but all she did was turn away and stick her hand on her hip.

  “By the way,” I said, “thanks a lot for twisting my tit like that. I haven’t forgot. And I won’t forget. I won’t ever forget.” I leaned a little closer. “Someday you’re gonna have tits, and you know what? I’m gonna come around and show you how it—”

  “Hey, shut up.”

  That was Ralph.

  I turned to him, slowly. “Excuse me, did you just tell me...to shut up?”

  He just kept staring at me straight in the eye, taking these hard steady breaths through his nose. Some of these skinny types can be dangerous when they’re mad, like rabid animals. Be that as it may, I could flatten him out if I got on top of him, like before. But that could be tricky, especially with the little one to worry about—I already seen what she could do. Besides, I didn’t want to lose them now, just when I was about to make use of them. But I wasn’t about to back down, no way. How could I still be the boss then?

  So this was kind of a tricky spot.

  Then good old Mr. Pappas helped me out. He started shouting out some gobbledygook with his gums, and Ralph looked over at him.

  “All right, Mr. Pappas,” I hollered back. “I’ll tell him. I don’t know if he’ll listen but I’ll tell him.”

  “Tell me what,” Ralph said.

  “Oh, just, you know, about not fighting, how it’s better if people try and pull together, like Jesus always taught. And y’know? Let’s face it. The old geezer’s got a point. Don’t you think?”

  He shrugged.

  “Wouldn’t you agree?” I put out my hand.

  He looked at it.

  “How ‘bout it, partner,” I said.

  He put out his hand.

  We shook.

  His palm was clammy like a fish and the fingers all knuckley and disgusting.

  Lou

  I thought for sure Ralph was going to fight him and I was ready to help. I didn’t care about what’s-her-name, Jacinta, what she would do. I didn’t care. I was ready for action.

  He told Fatso to shut up because of what Fatso said about me having breasts someday. Ralph wasn’t going to let him talk to me like that. He doesn’t get into fights unless he’s really mad, and the way he was breathing I could tell he was really mad. So I thought this was going to be it for Fatso, The End, and I was going to help. I was going to get my teeth into him or twist his other tittie, something.

  But then they shook hands.

  Fatso put out his hand and called him “partner” and they shook, like that’s what they were, partners.

  And I don’t know if Ralph saw but I saw what Fatso did after they shook. He wiped his hand on his leg, like wiping off cooties, like Ralph had cooties.

  And Ralph was going to be his partner.

  I was crying, not out loud.

  Toby

  It was time.

  I told Ralph to put his funny hat back on and listen up. “We’re going in there now, all three of us, and I want you and your little buddy here to do exactly like I tell you. Got that?”

  He nodded.

  I didn’t even bother looking at Lou. She would do what her brother told her, I was pretty sure of that. If she didn’t, we’d get rid of her. But I wanted to keep her if I could. I wanted my mom to see them together, as a pair, the little gypsy children God loved so much He sent them a genuine replica of His only begotten Son’s own head.

  I asked Ralph if he’d ever seen my mom.

  He said he wasn’t sure.

  I told him, “You’d remember, believe me. She’s a big old thing, and I mean huge. And she doesn’t like kids, especially your kind, no offense. But if this is gonna work, she’s gonna have to like you a lot, both of you. She’s gonna have to think you’re the next Children of Fatima, okay? So play it up big. Try and look as poor and sad and religious as you can, like you say the rosary night and day. But just remember, I’m in charge. Don’t touch anything, don’t say anything, don’t even move unless I tell you to. Understood?”

  He nodded.

  I checked on Lou. She was still gazing off, with that stupid hand at her hip. Plus I noticed a couple of tears running down her face—a nice effect, but it worried me a little.

  “She gonna behave?”

  “She’ll be all right.”

  “Make sure.”

  Then I took a long deep breath and let it out. “All right. You ready?”

  He nodded.

  I looked down at the Sacred Head of Our Lord and Savior in my lap. “You ready?”

  I nodded the head.

  They didn’t laugh, either one of them. Couple of real deadbeats, those two.

  Ralph

  Fatso had me so nervous I felt like praying, just to calm down. But who would I pray to? Jesus? So He’d help me not be nervous so we could talk Fatso’s mom into giving us money to set up a tent and charge money to look at His head? That would be worse than praying for a base hit, a lot worse.

  I didn’t even want to look at Lou. I knew how mad at me she probably was. I knew she probably thought I was being like Judas.

  But she’s just a kid, let’s face it.

  I remember about a year ago we were peeling potatoes for supper and she found one that looked like Ed Sullivan and went crazy. I kept telling her, Okay, so it looks like Ed Sull
ivan, so what?

  Same with the rock, you know? So it looks like Jesus, so what?

  And actually? I would say the rock doesn’t even look as much like Jesus as that potato looked like Ed Sullivan. And you know what we did with that potato? Ate it for supper, mashed.

  I got up and followed Fatso into the house, Lou right behind me, holding on to the back of my sweatshirt.

  Premier Khrushchev

  You have thrown down the gauntlet. We will be forced to take those measures we deem necessary and sufficient. To this end we have all that is necessary.

  Toby

  Mom yelled out from the kitchen what she always yells when she hears the front door open, or the back door, or even a burglar climbing in through the window:

  “Shoes off!”

  The two of them right away dropped to one knee and started unlacing. They were pretty spooked, you could tell. I asked Ralph how about untying mine while he was down there, and he did, attaboy.

  Then, shoes off, I handed him the rock and whispered, “Wait here. Don’t touch anything, either one of you,” and headed for the kitchen. I was nervous. I was sweating. I hate sweating.

  I passed a picture of my dad on the wall in a suit and tie, smiling down like I amused him, highly.

  Lou

  Fatso handed Ralph the head and left the room!

  I whispered, “Ralph, let’s go, let’s get our shoes on!”

  But he just kept standing there holding the head, both of them staring off.

  “Come on, will ya? Here’s our chance.” I stood in front of him. “Ralph? Ralph, look at me.”

  He wouldn’t.

  I grabbed the head but he yanked it away and held it up high so I couldn’t reach.

  I tickled his ribs.

  He didn’t even smile.

  I thought about punching him in the stomach but I don’t like hitting Ralph, he never hits back, then I feel bad. So I said to him, “Okay, guess what, Ralph,” and went over to the door. ”I’m leaving.”

  I put my hand on the knob. “Hope you and your new friend make a lot of money selling Jesus.”

  I turned the knob. “I just hope they don’t drop the bomb today, y’know? Because guess where you’ll be going.”

  He just kept standing there like a butler.

  “Okay, Ralph. Bye. Nice knowin’ ya.”

  “Don’t forget your shoes,” he told me.

  “Ra-alph...”

  Toby

  She was at the sink, in her yellow rubber gloves, scrubbing the inside of the coffee pot with a Brillo pad, mumbling something. I listened.

  “Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners...”

  Poor thing.

  “Hey, Mom?”

  She didn’t look up. “Where have you been? I looked front and back,” she said.

  “Had some errands to run, other side of town. Listen—”

  “Your bike was still on the patio, why didn’t you take your bike?”

  I didn’t answer. I told you about her thinking I know how to ride the thing.

  “I don’t want you venturing from the house today,” she said. “You don’t have to stay inside, but I want you to—”

  “Ma, listen, okay? This is important.”

  She stopped scrubbing and looked at me.

  “Something I want to show you.”

  She turned off the faucet. She looked suspicious. “What is it.”

  I held up my finger for her to wait a second and called out over my shoulder, “Okay, Ralph. You can bring it in now.”

  “Toby, what’s going on? Who’s Ralph? What is he bringing in?”

  “You’re gonna like this, Mom, a lot, I promise, okay? This is really special.”

  Ralph and Lou came walking in carefully, Ralph holding the rock up over his head, a nice effect.

  “Mom, these are the Cavaletto children.”

  But as soon as she saw the rock, this thing with dirt all over it, she got panicky. That’s how she gets about dirt, she gets panicky. “What is that? What is that?”

  “Mom, listen, okay?”

  “Get that out of my—”

  “Will ya listen?” The whole thing could end right here and I’d be back on the porch again, under that blank blue sky. “Please?” I had my hands together like praying, like begging. “Just listen?”

  She gave a sigh, meaning go ahead.

  I said, “Ralph, could you step a little closer? You can take your arms down.”

  He stepped forward holding the head in front of him, staring at Mom for all he was worth.

  “Lou, you too. Stand next to your brother.”

  She didn’t even hear. She was in a trance, standing there gaping away. Ralph said, “Lou,” and she went and stood next to him, never taking her eyes off Mom.

  All right. All set. Here we go.

  “Mom?” I said. “These two kids, these...two little children here, were in the vacant lot this morning looking for empty bottles, empty two-cent pop bottles, so they could buy themselves a little piece of candy—not even a candy bar, just a little red-hot, or maybe one of those...whaddaya call ‘em, they’re round, made of caramel, powdered sugar in the center...”

  “Toby, why have you brought a rock into my kitchen?”

  “I’m getting there, Mom.”

  Ralph

  Bull’s-eyes, that’s what they’re called.

  I didn’t say it, though. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t speak, even if I wanted. She was the biggest thing I ever saw, even on TV, bigger than Haystacks Calhoun. He’s a wrestler. Ever see him? Well, she was bigger. But I quit staring. I didn’t want her to get insulted. I wanted her to like us, so she’d give us some money to get started on our plan.

  Takes money to make money.

  Very first thing I’m buying, a brand new baseball glove. I don’t know what make or model, but a new one. I don’t want to use Dad’s anymore, ever. Not after this morning.

  Lou will probably join the Brownies I’ll bet. You have to pay for the uniform and dues and they couldn’t come up with it. She’s been whining about it ever since.

  She was still staring at Fatso’s mom. I got her to stand next to me but she went on staring. I gave her a tap in the ankle with the side of my foot to make her stop, or at least close her mouth.

  Lou

  When I saw his mom I peed a squirt.

  Fatso’s like a giant pig but she was like a hippo or a mountain or a house.

  Ralph called me over and I went and stood next to him. I wanted to hold his hand but he was still holding the Jesus rock. Then he kicked me in the ankle, I don’t know why. I was going to kick him back but I didn’t want her to get mad.

  She was like a bakery truck or a whale.

  I was praying inside, Jesus Mary and Joseph, Jesus Mary and Joseph...

  She kept breathing in and breathing out.

  Toby

  “So, there they were, Mom, wandering around the vacant lot, looking for empty bottles, saying little prayers, then all of a sudden Lou, this little girl right here, saw this thing in the weeds. Didn’t know what it was. Looked like a rock, an ordinary rock. But then. She looked closer. And Mom? Look what she saw.”

  Ralph was standing next to me with the head and I pointed out the things Lou saw: “There’s the hair. See? Along there? And there? All wavy? And look at the eyes, Ma. See ‘em? They see you. And the nose, right along here, mouth underneath—looks like he could talk, doesn’t he? Wonder what he’d say. Pray for peace, something like that. And look at this, all this, that’s a beard, a nice bushy beard. And yeah, I know what you’re thinking: Looks like a face, big deal. But see this? Across here? Crown of thorns, Ma. And? Look at these.” I touched the little bumps running down the cheeks. “Know what these are, don’t you? Tear drops.” I gave her a sad look. “Crying for our sins.”

  She stepped closer. She had her mouth open and her eyes bugging out.

  I kept from laughing.

/>   “Oh...my...God,” she goes. Then real slow, like in a trance, she made the sign of the cross.

  “Would you like to hold it, Ma? Ralph, let her hold it. Go ahead.”

  He handed it over like an altar boy.

  She stood there holding it with her yellow rubber gloves, eye to eye, jelly arms all a-quiver. I was just praying she didn’t drop the stupid thing and chip it.

  “How did...where did...”

  “I told you, Mom. These children found it.”

  She looked at Ralph and Lou, finally really looked at them there, all meek and mild, in their headwear.

  I said to her, “Remember the story of the children of Fatima? The little shepherd kids Mary appeared to? Remember?”

  She nodded, slow.

  “Well, Mom?” I said. “I’d like you to meet Ralph and his sister Lou,” presenting them with my arm: “The Children of the Vacant Lot.”

  Lou

  I was embarrassed the way she was looking at me and Ralph. She had her head to one side and a little shiny teardrop was sliding down her big fat face. That’s how much we reminded her of the children of Fatima, it made her cry. I was embarrassed and put my head down. I stuck my hand on my hip so she could tell better.

  Toby

  “Children,” Mom said to us, all gooey now, “do you know...what this is?”

  “We sure do, Mom. Isn’t it something?”

  “It’s a sign,” she said.

  “That’s right.” I nodded my head.

  Whatever.

  “A sign we’re going to be all right,” she said. “They’re not going to destroy us. Our Lord won’t let that happen.”

  I snapped my fingers and pointed at her. “That’s what we were saying. And y’know? We were thinking. Everyone should have a chance to see this. Wouldn’t that be a good thing? Let everybody see this?”

  She nodded, staring at the head, not listening very good.