by Amy Clipston
“Ya, of course.” She filled Will’s cup and then continued down the table.
When her coffeepot was empty, she exited the barn and started toward the house.
“Eva!” Miriam Faye hurried to catch up with her. “I’ll walk with you.”
Eva held up her pot. “I ran out of kaffi quickly.”
“I did too.” A smile lifted the corners of Miriam Faye’s lips, and she leaned closer to Eva as if to share a juicy secret. “I noticed Ian Miller watching you during the service.”
“Oh?” Eva kept her eyes trained on the rock path to avoid Miriam’s gaze.
“I think he still cares about you.”
“I doubt that.” Eva knew it was sinful to lie, but she couldn’t admit she might care about him too. She had no room in her life for a relationship, especially when her life was back in Ronks. She was only visiting her parents, and she had no plans to move back here. Besides, Ian was trying to take her place in her parents’ life.
“Wait a minute.” Miriam Faye stopped walking and grabbed Eva’s arm. “I know you loved your husband, and from your letters, I could tell you and Simeon had a gut marriage. But before you met him, you told me you cared about Ian and you thought he cared about you too. What happened between you two?”
Eva pressed her lips together as she gathered her muddled thoughts and emotions. “It’s complicated. Mei mamm started pressuring me to date him. She was convinced Ian would be the perfect husband, and I didn’t think it was her place to make that decision for me. Besides, I was young, prideful, and rebellious. I couldn’t admit that mei mamm might be right. When he did ask me to date him, I said no.”
“Huh.” Miriam Faye tilted her head. “So that’s why you went to visit Mim in Lititz. You wanted to get away from your mamm, and meeting and falling in love with Simeon was a bonus.”
“Ya, that sums it up. I didn’t visit Mim with the intention of falling in love. That was God’s plan for me.” Eva shook her head as her thoughts turned back to Ian’s motives for staying with her parents. “I don’t understand why Ian moved into the daadihaus. I think he’s using my parents to get their property since he won’t be the son to inherit his parents’ farm.”
“I don’t think that’s it at all.” Miriam Faye’s expression was serious. “Your dat isn’t getting any younger, and after you left, the part-time help they were getting from Ian wasn’t enough anymore. They need him there.”
Eva bristled at the insinuation she was at fault. “We’d better get the kaffi and go back to the barn before the men start complaining.”
Before Miriam Faye could respond, Eva headed up the porch steps and into the kitchen.
“But I want to ride home with Ian,” Junior whined as he stood beside Ian’s buggy after lunch.
Eva pinched the bridge of her nose as she looked between Junior and Ian. “Junior, we need to ride home with Mammi and Daadi.” She gestured toward their buggy behind her. “Let’s go.”
“No.” Junior shook his head, and Eva turned to Ian.
Ian’s expression showed patience. “You can both ride with me.”
Eva hesitated. What would she and Ian discuss for the nearly thirty-minute journey?
“Come on.” Ian took a step toward her. “It will be like old times.”
That was the problem. She and Ian had made plenty of trips together in his buggy when they ran errands for her parents. She didn’t want to open the door to that former friendship. She laced her fingers together and looked back at her parents, who had already climbed into her father’s buggy.
“We’ll see you at home,” Mamm called.
Ian waved to them. “All right.” Then he opened the passenger-side door and helped Junior hop into the buggy and then climb over the seat to the back. Once Junior was settled, Ian turned to her and made a sweeping gesture.
Eva climbed in, and Ian closed the door before loping around to the driver’s side. He settled onto the seat and then began to guide the buggy toward the road.
They rode in silence for a few minutes. Eva kept her hands folded in her lap as she stared out the window at the traffic whizzing by in a blur.
“Did it feel strange to be back in your home church district?” Ian’s question broke through the thick silence.
“Ya, but it was also a little comforting.”
He gave her a sideways glance. “I’m glad you felt comfortable. You seemed to be deep in thought throughout most of the service.”
So Miriam Faye was right. He had been watching her.
“I was thinking about how much my life has changed since the last time I went to a service here.” She kept her gaze trained out the front window to avoid his eyes. If she looked at him, she risked pouring out her thoughts and opening herself to heartache.
Their conversation died, and the sounds of passing cars, mixed with the clip-clop of the horse’s hooves, filled the buggy. Eva fingered the door handle and silently willed the mare to move faster to bring an end to the awkward ride.
When a low rumble of snores filled her ears, she turned to the back of the buggy. Junior was curled up, sleeping with his thumb in his mouth. She couldn’t stop a smile.
“What’s so funny?” Ian grinned at her.
“Junior is snoring.”
Ian laughed, and she joined in, the humor seeming to break through the awkwardness. The stiffness in her back loosened as her stress dissipated.
“Now I see why he was so cranky,” she offered.
“Ya, that does make sense.” Ian shrugged. “I’m cranky when I need a nap too.”
She smiled, appreciating his patience with her son. “Danki for putting up the swing for him. It was all he talked about last night.”
“Gern gschehne.” He turned his attention back to the road. “My offer of a full swing set still stands if you stay.”
“That won’t be necessary. We won’t be here long.”
“Why not?”
She turned toward the road and hoped he would drop the subject. She didn’t want to discuss this now. She’d been back in New Wilmington only two days, and she didn’t want to be pressured.
They rode in silence for a few moments, and new guilt weighed heavily on her chest. She still had suspicions, but Ian had been nothing but nice to her and Junior while she’d been rude to him.
She shifted toward him and found his focus on the road as he guided the horse. “How’s your family?”
His eyes widened for a fraction of a second, as if the question had caught him off guard. Why hadn’t she thought to inquire about his family sooner?
“They’re fine. Danki.” He gave her a sideways glance as he halted the horse at a red light. “My parents are as ornery as ever.”
Eva chuckled. “And your bruders?”
“They’re all married now, and I already have eight bruderskinner.”
“Really?”
He nodded.
And why aren’t you married?
The question sat on the tip of her tongue as he guided the horse through the intersection and down the road toward her father’s farm. While she longed to learn why Ian had chosen not to marry, she resisted the urge to get too personal with him. She had to keep her distance.
“Tell me about your bruderskinner.”
“Well, there are five buwe and three maed. And the buwe cause about as many problems for their parents as mei bruders and I did for ours.” Ian shared stories of his nephews’ antics until he halted the horse in front of her parents’ house. Then he turned toward the back of the buggy, where Junior continued to snore with his thumb in his mouth. “I’ll carry him in for you.”
“Oh no.” She pushed the door open. “I can carry him.”
He met her at the back of the buggy and smirked. “You’re still the same stubborn maedel who insisted she could carry all the drinks out to the barn at once for a youth gathering. Then you dropped the tray, spilling lemonade all over your mamm’s porch.”
Eva guffawed and then clapped her hand over her mouth for fear of waking Junior.
“You remember that?”
He raised an eyebrow. “How could I forget?” He glanced into the buggy. “I assume he naps upstairs in the room Mary set up for him.” When Eva nodded, he said, “Let me carry him for you.” She opened her mouth to protest, and he quickly added, “I’d hate for you to fall down the stairs and have you both get hurt.”
He had a point.
“Okay,” she said, conceding.
He opened the back of the buggy and pulled Junior into his arms. She hurried up the front porch steps, opened the door, and then followed him up the stairs to Junior’s room.
Ian set her son on the bed, and Junior snuggled down into the quilt, his thumb never leaving his mouth.
“Do you think he’s comfortable?” Ian pushed a lock of Junior’s hair off his forehead as a gentle smile turned up the corners of his lips.
A soft lump seemed to form in her chest as Eva watched Ian’s tender gesture. He resembled a father. Then a flash of Simeon filled her mind and tears burned her eyes. Ever since Simeon died, she’d tried to imagine the kind of father he would have been. She was certain to the depth of her soul that Simeon would have been patient and loving. If only he’d escaped that burning farmhouse before the floor collapsed beneath his feet.
Slamming her eyes shut, Eva held her breath. She couldn’t allow herself to fall back into the deep abyss of her grief. Simeon had been gone more than four years, and she’d worked through all the stages of grief with the help of her family and friends in Ronks. She needed to stay strong for Junior.
She opened her eyes and found Ian still focused on her son. He touched Junior’s head again, and her heart twisted with admiration. His tenderness for her child was written on his handsome face.
Stop it!
Ian was not Simeon. He was not Junior’s father. Allowing that notion to fill her mind was crazy. What was wrong with her? She was just emotional after attending church in her home district for the first time in six years. She needed rest, but first she had to escort Ian out of the house.
She wiped her eyes before Ian could see her tears and started for the hallway. “We should let him sleep.”
“Ya.” Ian walked with her into the hall and then quietly pulled the door closed behind them and followed her down the stairs.
“Danki for carrying him for me,” she said when they reached the front porch.
“Gern gschehne.” Ian leaned against the railing. “I want to ask you something.”
“Okay.” She braced herself.
“Why did you stay away for so long?”
The question echoed through her mind as she struggled to form a coherent answer. While she didn’t want to upset Ian, she also couldn’t bring herself to lie to him.
“I didn’t feel welcome here.” She was careful to keep her voice low since she stood near the screen door.
His expression hardened. “What does that mean?”
“My parents made it clear they didn’t support my decision to marry Simeon when they didn’t come to my wedding. They didn’t want me to leave this community, so they acted as if they didn’t have a dochder.” Her voice trembled as a tear rolled down one cheek. “After the way they treated me when I married him, I knew they wouldn’t give me the love and support I needed when he died.”
He shook his head as his lips twisted. “You’ve got it all wrong, Eva.”
Her anger flared at his skepticism. “Why are you living here on mei dat’s farm?” She pointed toward the daadihaus.
“I think that’s pretty obvious. Your parents needed my help after you left.”
She folded her arms over her chest and lifted her chin. “Or is it more accurate to say you want their land since you’ll never own your parents’ farm?”
He flinched as if she’d hit him, and then his brown eyes narrowed. “You think I’m the kind of man who would do that to your parents?” His face crumpled. “Is that why you refused to date me?”
Eva’s mouth moved, but no words crossed her lips as guilt grabbed her by the throat.
“Ian.” Mamm appeared at the screen door and pushed it open. “Would you like to come in and visit for a while?”
“No, danki.” Ian kept his cold eyes focused on Eva as he spoke. “I think I’ve done enough visiting for today.” He turned toward her mother. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He took a step toward Eva and lowered his head. “Just remember, Eva, you’re the one who left.”
Guilt, hot and painful, sliced through her chest as Ian stalked down the steps and strode toward the daadihaus. Hadn’t she said that to herself? You’re the one who left.
“Is everything all right?” Mamm came to stand behind Eva.
“Ya.” Eva cleared her throat against another ball of emotion. “Junior’s upstairs asleep, and I think I’m going to take a nap until he wakes up.”
“You know you can talk to me, right? I’ll always listen to you, no matter what you want to tell me.” Mamm’s voice was small and timid, as if she were afraid of upsetting Eva.
“Ya. Danki.” Eva climbed the stairs and tried to erase the image of the hurt in Ian’s eyes. As she changed out of her Sunday dress, Ian’s words echoed through her mind.
You’ve got it all wrong, Eva.
But if that was true, why did she feel like a stranger in her childhood home?
CHAPTER 6
White-hot fury boiled through Ian’s veins as he walked toward his house after stowing his horse and buggy in Harvey’s barn. His hand shook as he unlocked the back door and walked into the small, two-bedroom cottage where Harvey’s parents had resided until they passed away.
After hanging his hat on a peg by the back door and removing his shoes, he blew out an irritated sigh as Eva’s spiteful words echoed through his mind.
Or is it more accurate to say you want their land since you’ll never own your parents’ farm?
How could Eva, the woman who had been his dear friend and whom he’d once dreamed about dating and possibly marrying, accuse him of using her parents? He’d always considered her a sweet, kind, caring person, but she seemed more like a self-centered, cynical, pessimistic person now. Or should he call her misguided, given how grief had surely affected her?
But if Eva was so terrible, why did he still care about her?
Ian swallowed a groan as he entered his small kitchen. After filling a glass with water from the tap, he walked into the family room and sat down in his favorite wing chair. He looked out the front window toward the main house as Eva’s biting words swirled through his mind.
I didn’t feel welcome here.
He set his half-empty glass on the end table beside him and pushed his hands through his thick hair. How could Eva call her parents unwelcoming? Harvey and Mary had been nothing but kind and generous to him ever since he came to work on their farm. And Eva was wrong to believe they wouldn’t have been supportive and loving to her after Simeon died.
Ian rested his ankle on his opposite knee as he again recalled the months after Eva left. Mary and Harvey were never the same. Their smiles were less frequent and their zest for life had dulled.
If Eva truly believed her parents were unaffected by her departure, followed by her almost complete abandonment, then perhaps she never knew them as well as she believed she had.
As Ian picked up his glass, another thought hit him like a bale of hay falling from the loft in one of Harvey’s barns. Did Eva accuse her parents of not caring for her to dispel her own guilt over leaving?
Renewed fury filled him at the thought. Perhaps he should enlighten her and tell her how she tore her parents apart by walking away from them and never looking back for six long years. Not only had she crushed their souls, but she had the gall to accuse them of not caring about her or her grief when she lost her husband.
He stood and started for the front door, but then stopped. Marching over to give her a piece of his mind was not how the Lord would want him to spend his Sunday. Giving Eva space to mull over his words was better. He would talk to her after they’d b
oth had time to calm down and think clearly.
Turning toward the sofa, he spotted the devotional he’d begun reading earlier in the week. He retrieved the book and sank down into the wing chair. Once he was settled, he tried to push away his thoughts of Eva and turn his thoughts to the Lord.
Eva moved onto her side as her eyes fluttered open. The green numerals on the digital clock sitting on her nightstand read 12:15.
For three hours she’d tossed and turned, struggling to fall asleep despite the thoughts swirling through her mind. Every time she tried to turn off her brain, Ian’s words from earlier in the day would ring through her mind:
You’ve got it all wrong, Eva.
Remember, Eva, you’re the one who left.
She wanted to dismiss his observation, but she couldn’t when Miriam Faye had said something similar, also pointing out that she was the one who had left. Maybe it was Eva’s fault her parents had rejected her.
But had her parents rejected her? Or had Eva been shortsighted and egotistical? She hadn’t even called to tell them Simeon died. She asked Mim to call them, and she instructed her not to invite them to the funeral, not to even tell them when it was. Then she waited more than two weeks to write them. She also hadn’t invited them to visit after Junior was born.
Eva swallowed a groan as she rolled onto her back. Yes, she was part of the reason she and her parents had grown so far apart. Everything Ian said was true. Eva was the one who left, and she’d never considered what that might do to them.
Then another thought hit her like a bolt of lightning. How would she feel if Junior left her the same way she’d left her parents? She’d be crushed if he married someone outside of their community and then crippled any meaningful communication, cutting Eva out of his children’s lives. She suddenly understood the pain she’d caused her parents.
She had been wrong. She’d hurt both of her parents deeply. And now she realized she’d hurt Ian as well.
Renewed guilt washed over her, stealing her breath. How could she be so selfish and self-absorbed? No wonder Ian had been so angry at her accusation.
But she couldn’t blame herself for leaving New Wilmington. When she met Simeon, it was love at first sight. When he introduced himself, she was drawn to his cornflower-blue eyes, his electric smile, and his contagious laugh. She’d never once regretted marrying him, building a life with him.