by Amy Clipston
She knocked on the door, and Veronica answered with Haley on her hip. “Hi! What a great surprise. Jayden is cooking us a late breakfast, so you’re just in time to eat.”
The thought of sitting down at the table with that man caused bile to rise in her throat until she felt like she might vomit. “Nee, nee. I don’t want to interrupt your meal.” She had been working on a way to talk to Jayden by herself, but she didn’t really have a plan. She might not need one when Jayden saw her. He’d probably throw her out before there was time to say too much. Sarah was surely the last person in the world Jayden would want showing up at his house.
Veronica giggled. “You still have the accent, like you’re Amish. And you still talk like you’re Amish.” She pushed the door open, and the aroma of bacon wafted up Sarah’s nose. She loved bacon. But she might never eat it again now. Would she think of this moment every time she smelled bacon? “Do you think you’ll ever be Amish again?” Veronica eyed Sarah up and down. She was wearing blue jeans and a white T-shirt with Houston Astros World Series 2017 etched into the logo.
Sarah couldn’t think that far ahead. She couldn’t think past the next few seconds when she saw Jayden over Veronica’s shoulder, heading their way. He swung the door wider so he could see who was on their porch. When he locked eyes with Sarah, he smiled. The smile that had melted her resolve all those years ago. He’d said they were going to the bedroom to talk.
“Sarah, this is my man.” She boosted Haley up on her hip. “Jayden, this is an old friend of mine, Sarah. She lived here until about six years ago when she moved to Houston, but she’s back with her parents now. She lost everything in the hurricane.”
Sarah couldn’t move or breathe. She waited, but Jayden turned to his wife and took Haley out of her arms. “I told you, sweetie, don’t carry her around so much. You have another one to think about now.”
“He’s a bit overprotective of this unborn child.” Veronica rolled her eyes. “I was just telling Sarah that she’s in time for breakfast.”
Jayden kissed Haley on the cheek and put her down when she started to squirm. The toddler rushed to an open red suitcase stuffed with toys in the living room. “Absolutely. I made plenty. Veronica eats a lot these days.”
Veronica playfully poked him in the arm. “Oh, hush.”
Jayden stuck his hand out, and Sarah jumped. Then she took two steps backward. “You know what? I-I just remembered something. I’ll stop by another time.”
Veronica scrunched her nose. “Well, okay. But don’t be too long. We have more catching up to do.”
Jayden yelled, “Nice to meet you,” just before Sarah opened the car door. Once inside, she gripped the steering wheel. What had she almost done? She would have ruined their lives. It was six years ago. But how was she ever going to find peace if Jayden didn’t tell her what happened that night?
She jumped when someone knocked on the window, and when she looked up to see Jayden, she hit the lock, then realized how silly she must look, no matter the circumstances. She slowly rolled down the window.
The monster wasn’t smiling now, and Sarah braced herself for what might be coming. An apology, perhaps? A threat to never come back? She had no plans to visit Veronica again. This was the moment, and Sarah had no words.
“Listen,” he said before blowing out a heavy sigh. “Do we know each other?”
Is this guy for real?
“I mean, it’s impossible not to see that I startled you or something. Veronica knows about my past. I did some pretty awful things before I got into NA, Narcotics Anonymous. I don’t remember a lot of the year before that. Did we date or hang out or something? You look familiar.”
Sarah swallowed hard. Help me, God.
“Anyway, I’d been clean for a while when I met Veronica, and I could tell she was headed down the same path I’d been on.” He hung his head, then locked eyes with Sarah again. “We have a good life, but I’m trying to make amends with anyone I hurt back then. So if I did something to you, or offended you, or anything at all, I’m sorry. God has led me onto a good path, but I’ll take total responsibility if I hurt you in any way.”
Sarah finally swallowed. “Uh, no. No. I’m happy for you and Veronica.”
Jayden smiled and walked away, and she wondered if the monster would be gone from her dreams.
CHAPTER 12
It was Friday when the lab called Sarah at work to let her know the DNA test results were in. It took everything she had to wait until five o’clock to go pick up the envelope that would tell her if Abram was Miriam’s father. She’d prayed for it to be true. And she was sure her parents and Abram’s had as well. Everyone had fallen in love with Miriam, and she with them. It was the family she’d always been meant to have, and Sarah didn’t see herself leaving this place again. She wasn’t sure about her and Abram, especially if Miriam turned out to be Jayden’s. Did she owe it to him to let him know he had another child, if that turned out to be the case?
As she drove her car to the hospital where the test results were, she prayed again to forgive Jayden. It wasn’t going to happen overnight, and she knew God had already forgiven him. But upsetting his and Veronica’s life didn’t seem like a good plan, and there was nothing to gain by it. That could all change if Jayden was Miriam’s father, but for right now, Sarah could only take one step at a time. Jayden had turned his life around, and apparently he’d turned Veronica’s around too. Sarah hadn’t had a nightmare since the visit.
At the hospital, she walked to the lab, and the receptionist handed her an envelope with the results inside. Sarah’s hand shook as she took it, then put it in her purse.
Back in her car, she took the envelope out and stared at it. She thought she would have ripped into it by now. But whatever the results were, lives were going to change. She ran it all through her head again. If Jayden was the father, she probably wouldn’t tell him. She wasn’t sure. She’d have to pray hard about it. If Abram was the father, could they put the past behind them and be the family they were meant to be? It seemed they could. And if Abram wasn’t the father, would she and Abram still have a shot at happiness? Could he really raise another man’s child as his own? The questions bounced around in her mind like a ping pong ball that had been hit too hard. She took a deep breath.
Abram jumped from the plow when Sarah’s car turned into the driveway, and he saw his father slow the mules until they stopped. His parents knew today was the day. He looked toward the house, and his mother was peering out the window. They all loved Miriam, whether Abram was her father or not. But his nerves had been on edge all week waiting for the results. He’d seen Sarah twice for lunch, and there were so many uncertainties in the air, they decided to wait until the test results before they tried to get too far ahead of themselves. But Abram already knew what he wanted, and a piece of paper wasn’t going to make any difference.
He ran to where Sarah was leaning against her car, an envelope in her hand. They stared at each other. Abram had assumed he would be able to read the results in Sarah’s expression, but he had no idea one way or the other by the blank look on her face.
“I need to tell you something,” he said, breathless. “I love you. I love Miriam. I want us to be a family. And I know we have to start over in some ways and get to know each other again. But as far as I’m concerned, you can tear up the results, whatever they are. It doesn’t matter. I’d raise Miriam as my own no matter what.”
Sarah didn’t flinch.
“Say something.”
She glanced at the envelope.
Abram meant what he’d said. He would raise Miriam as his own no matter what, but his insides were spinning.
“I haven’t opened it,” she said in a whisper. “I’ve spent the last six years fantasizing that you were Miriam’s father. I’m scared to find out now.”
Abram swallowed hard. “Just tear it up. It doesn’t matter.”
Sarah barely smiled. “We both know it does.”
He leaned down and kissed her
on the mouth, even though both his parents had eyes on them. “I’ll love Miriam no matter what.”
She stared at him, then smiled again. “I believe you.”
Sarah waved to Abram’s father when she saw him staring from the field. If she had to guess, Abram’s mother was probably watching from the window. Everyone had a vested interest in Miriam’s paternity. But if the results weren’t what they’d all hoped for, would Abram and his parents truly embrace Miriam as their own?
“You’d really be okay if we just tear it up and don’t look?” Sarah looked at the envelope, then back at Abram as the color drained from his face. “We’ve come this far. I think we have to know.”
“It won’t change anything.” Abram wiped sweat from his forehead. It was a pleasant and cool spring day, but sweat was pooling at Sarah’s temples as well.
She stuck her finger in the same place on the envelope as she had in the car. She’d only slit it open a couple of inches when she decided to wait. But now, the moment was upon them. She looked at Abram.
“Breathe,” he said as she slid the paper from the envelope. She read the results, then fell to her knees and wept.
“I love you, Sarah. I’ll love Miriam. I promise. Please don’t cry.” Abram was on the ground with her, his voice shaking as he spoke, tears in his eyes. “It’s fine. I love you both. I’ll spend the rest of my life loving you if you’ll have me. I know it will take time, but—”
“She’s yours,” Sarah said through her tears. “You are her father.”
They fell into each other’s arms, and Sarah smothered him with kisses. Then she looked to her Father above. Thank You.
They sat in the grass for a while. Abram hadn’t been able to hold back his own tears, and as they cried, they also rejoiced. It hadn’t been either’s plan, but only God’s plan was perfect. She thought again about Veronica and how differently her life might have turned out if she hadn’t met Jayden. Would she have overdosed or been under the influence while driving, or any other horrible thing that her partying could have led to?
“I think there are reasons everything happened the way it did.” She cupped Abram’s cheeks in her hands. “I’m sorry you missed out on so much.” She hung her head. “Her birth, her first steps.” She looked back at him. “And I don’t know if any pictures survived the floodwater in Houston.”
Abram kissed her hand. “We are going to take things one day at a time.” He kissed her on the mouth, gently, the way she remembered. “But I have a gut feeling about us, that we’ll be a family.”
“I want that.” Sarah looked around at the pastures, at the flowers in full bloom. “There’s no place I’d rather be, and I want Miriam to experience this life.” She paused. “Abram, we can’t predict how things will turn out for us. I know we are both hopeful, and I know we love each other. But I am willing to walk beside you as we take things one day at a time.”
He kissed her again, then chuckled. “I can see mei mudder in the window. She’s probably bitten off all of her fingernails wondering if our tears are happy or sad.” He nodded to the field where his father was. “And Daed hasn’t moved an inch since you got here.”
Sarah smiled. “I should probably go home. I feel like mei mamm and I are ready to have some hard talks, but that gut things are on the horizon there too.”
They shared one final kiss before Sarah headed home. Joy filled her heart, and she thanked God repeatedly for His grace along her route.
When she came to a stop at her house, her stomach did a somersault, and all the joy that had just filled her heart met with her churning insides. She stepped out of her car and walked slowly across the yard to where Jayden was standing.
“I told your folks I wanted to wait out here for you for a while, that I was an old friend and needed to talk to you.” He glanced at his white truck. “Your parents didn’t know how long you’d be gone. I was just getting ready to leave, so I’m glad you showed up.”
Friend? Hardly.
“I remember you,” he said before he looked down and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Slowly, he lifted his eyes to hers. “We were at a party together. I think you came with Veronica, but I didn’t really know her back then.” He paused, shifting his weight. “Maybe you don’t remember.”
“I remember being there.” Sarah swallowed hard, wanting to believe that she never would have cheated on Abram, no matter what, but now as she faced off with Jayden, she was afraid to know. “I don’t remember what happened.”
Jayden took his hands out of his pockets, still shifting his weight and nervously kicking at the ground with one of his running shoes. “I put something in your drink that night. Back then, I thought it would be cool to, um . . .” He sighed. “To do it with an Amish girl.”
Sarah felt her cheeks turning red as she held her breath.
“Anyway, I knew I wasn’t just imagining the way you were looking at me when you came to our house. I was sure you looked familiar.” Pausing, he looked past Sarah. “I don’t want any secrets between Veronica and me. Granted, I don’t think she needs to know every single thing I did before we got together, but since you two are old friends, I think I need to tell her what happened.”
Sarah was already shaking her head. “Obviously, you’ve changed. It’s in the past, so just keep it there.” She surprised herself when she spoke. After years of seeing Jayden’s face, the way he laughed at her, the monster in her dreams, she was sure she would want to slug him. She’d spent years wondering if he could be Miriam’s father. But everyone deserved redemption, and it sounded like Jayden had saved Veronica by applying what he’d learned.
“At the very least, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” Jayden locked eyes with her, then looked away again. “I’d better go. I just wanted to tell you that.” He turned to leave.
“Jayden.”
He slowed his nervous stride, then faced her again. “Yeah?”
“What did happen?” Sarah held her breath.
“Nothing. You kinda passed out, and then I did too.”
Sarah let go of the breath she was holding. “Nothing happened?”
He shook his head. “No. Nothing at all.”
She waited until he got in his car, until he rounded the corner and was out of sight, before she looked up again. Thank you, God.
As she walked across the yard to the house, she saw her mother watching her out the window, a hand to her chest, something she did when she worried. But the time for worrying, regrets, and heavy burdens had passed. Instead of rolling her eyes like she might have in the past, Sarah smiled and waved, which was enough for her mother to rush to the front door.
Sarah fell into her arms. “Miriam is Abram’s daughter, and we are hoping to work things out.”
Her mother’s embrace tightened. “So, you’re staying?”
“Ya, I am.” She eased away. “I love you, Mamm.”
Her mother wept. “I love you, too, mei sweet maedel.”
Sarah looked forward to a bright future with the family she’d always dreamed of.
EPILOGUE
Twelve years later
Sarah waddled to the kitchen when she smelled bacon cooking. It was her job to cook the family meals, but she’d been mostly on bed rest the past few weeks. Her little bundle was trying to come early.
Abram raised an eyebrow from his place at the head of the table, the same seat Sarah’s father had occupied for years. But her parents had moved to the daadi haus not long after Abram and Sarah married. Sarah couldn’t believe she and Abram were approaching their eleventh anniversary. Where has the time gone?
“You’re supposed to be in bed,” Abram said, trying to sound stern, but when Sarah waved him off, he returned to his meal.
“Mamm, Daed’s right.” Miriam pulled a second pan of biscuits from the oven. At seventeen, she’d taken over Sarah’s responsibilities until after the baby was born.
“I can’t stay in that bed all day long. I’ve read every weekly edition of the Die Botschaft and t
he two gardening magazines you bought for me, and I’ve knitted two blankets for the new boppli.”
“Ya, I know.” Miriam eased the biscuits from the pan and set them on a platter. “But it’s not for much longer.”
Three knocks sounded at the front door. That was Sarah’s mother. She still knocked, even though Sarah had told her years ago to just come on in.
“Come in!” Miriam yelled from the kitchen over the noise.
“Why aren’t you in bed?” Sarah’s mother slapped her hands to her hips. “I came to help Miriam this morning.”
Sarah’s mother had settled into the role of grandmother with ease, and with each child Sarah had given birth to, her mother took on a motherly glow as if she’d birthed each and every grandchild herself. Barbara was a mother, a grandmother, and Sarah’s best friend. Once they realized how much alike they truly were, the friendship role came easily, and the Lord had blessed their relationship abundantly.
Sarah grunted. “If one more person asks me why I’m out of bed, I’m going to scream.” She walked around the table and kissed each of her kinner on the cheek and thanked the Lord for His many blessings.
Miriam was still at work, slathering butter on the biscuits with her right hand and stirring the eggs with her left. Sarah’s mother took over that duty, but Sarah edged her way in between them.
“Do either of you remember when Miriam told us that she wanted thirteen brothers and sisters?” Sarah smiled.
Her mother laughed. “I remember.”
Miriam stopped what she was doing, grinned, and said, “I must have been five when I said that. We hadn’t been here long.”
All three women turned around. Abram wiped jam from Anna’s mouth. Elizabeth banged her biscuit on the tray of her highchair, giggling. The twins, the oldest after Miriam at ten, were shoveling down bacon as if there were a shortage of pigs in the world.