Shit, shit and double shit.
“I… Um… It’s broken.”
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
“Is that so?” Cal replies.
“Yep.”
Keeping my answers to a minimum should enable me to cut this call short. I can’t risk Michael overhearing me. His desk may be on the other side of the room, but if he thinks that there is something wrong, he will be over here like a shot.
“Then how come you can message Kim, but not me? And how come you didn’t tell me that you had gotten engaged?” His questions throw me off guard.
“I’ve been busy.” I have never been like this with Cal. I’m always open with him, so for me to keep this from him, it’s going to raise his suspicions.
“Too busy to send a bloody text message or give me a quick call?” he asks incredulously.
“Sorry.” It’s like my default fucking response for everything nowadays.
“What’s going on with you, Lucy? Why are you being like this?”
“Like what?” Feign ignorance and the problem may go away.
“Seriously? You need me to answer that?”
“Yes, I do.” I don’t but I can’t tell him the truth.
“You’re different with me. You don’t seem to want to spend any time with me, and now you’re even ignoring me.” He sounds hurt and my heart breaks at the fact that our relationship is suffering.
“I’m the same as I always have been.” It’s ridiculous to say, but it’s all I can come up with.
“Bullshit. It’s Michael, isn’t it?” My silence speaks volumes and I bite my bottom lip, blinking rapidly to stop myself from crumbling. “Does he have a problem with me? With us?”
“There is no us,” I whisper, feeling my heart sink a little more.
“Lucy, I love you and you’re the person closest to me.” His words choke me. His sincerity hits me right at my core. “I don’t want to cause problems for you, but, fuck, I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” I say before I can stop myself. I mentally kick myself for voicing what my mind was thinking.
“Then tell me what I can do to help fix whatever is going wrong between us.”
Seconds tick by.
My heart hurts.
My mind clouds.
My guard goes up.
Protection. That’s all I want, and I am the only person who can do that. No one else. Just me. I can’t involve anyone in my torment, and I don’t want to either. Everyone else has their own lives to lead, and I won’t be a burden.
“There’s nothing you can do,” I whisper before putting the phone down.
I look up to see Michael staring at me. I give him a little wave and resume sipping my coffee. Without even being aware of it, Michael has taken another piece of my life away from me. He’s made me distance myself from Cal, the one person that I have always had by my side.
The one person that can heal me.
The one person that I can’t have near me.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
A dangerous game
It’s lunchtime and I feel more despondent than ever. My conversation with Cal is playing on a loop in my mind. I could have told him. I could have asked him to help me, but that wouldn’t be fair. I got myself into a relationship with Michael, and I should be the one to get out of it.
The thought of telling Michael that we’re over terrifies me. He’s beyond controlling, and I have no doubt that he would make me leaving him as difficult as humanly possible.
“You coming out to get some lunch?” Kim asks me as she puts her jacket on and rounds her desk.
“No thanks, I’ve brought my lunch with me.” Something that I never used to do. Another thing that has changed. Another way that Michael can keep me under his watch.
“Luce, we haven’t been for lunch together in ages. Chuck your sandwiches in the bin and come get some real food.”
“I can’t. I need to do some more paperwork as I’m behind again.” I’m not, but I use the excuse that I have repeated more than once over the past two weeks. Kim sighs and asks if I want her to grab anything for me, but I decline.
I watch her leave the office and I feel a pang of jealousy that she has freedom. A ridiculous thing to feel, but I can’t help it.
In fact, I envy everyone that chooses to do what they want with their free time.
Free.
That words sounds like heaven. That word is what I crave. I clearly used to take it for granted.
“I need to pop out of the office,” Michael says distracting me from my thoughts.
“Okay.”
“I won’t be long. You’re staying here, aren’t you?”
“Yes. I have my lunch with me.”
“Good.” He walks off and out of the office, and I am the only person left on the main floor. It’s a welcome relief to be alone after most of the office workers kept looking at me this morning. I’m guessing that is due to the fact that I look washed-out and paler than a fucking swan.
I feel self-conscious about the fact that Michael made me take my make-up off. It’s like I have nothing to hide behind. No barrier.
I open up my sandwich bag and take a measly bite of my cheese sandwich. I don’t taste it. Eating isn’t high on my priorities right now, but I know that I need to do as much as possible to retain some semblance of normality.
The only thing that I seem to have control over is what, and when, I put food in my mouth. I’m guessing that Michael doesn’t feel the need to control this aspect of my life, yet.
The office door springs open, surprising me so much that I drop my sandwich in my lap.
“Bollocks,” I say to myself as I scoop up the food and place it on top of the sandwich bag that sits in front of me on my desk. I look up, ready to scold the person who made me jump, but my breath is taken away by the sight of Cal standing there.
Shit.
Fuck.
He can’t be here.
Why is he here?
Michael can’t see him.
I can’t see him.
This is bad.
Bad, bad, bad.
I struggle to control my breathing as Cal rushes to my desk and kneels down in front of me.
“Lucy,” he says softly, his hand reaching for my cheek. As his fingers brush against my skin, I jolt back.
“What are you doing here?” I say harshly.
“I needed to see you.” I can hear the desperation in his voice and see it on his face. It almost breaks my fucking soul.
“Why?” I ask on a whisper.
“To make sure that you were okay.”
“Well, now that you can see that I am perfectly fine, you may leave,” I reply, my voice stronger than a second ago. I fold my arms across my chest and wait for him to go. He doesn’t.
“I knew that things weren’t right,” he says, voicing his concern.
“You need to go,” I say, my urge to get him out of here before Michael returns is reaching new heights.
“Why?”
“Because you just do.”
“You’re scared.” His comment is spot on. Damn him for knowing me so well.
“I’m not.”
“Lucy, I have known you since we were at school together. I know when you’re scared, and I know when you’re lying.”
“I’m not lying,” I shriek, exasperated that he just won’t get the fuck out of here. I feel sick.
“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what is going on with you.” His eyes are determined, fierce, passionate.
“Who do you think you are? You swan back into my life after buggering off for a year and a half and you expect everything to be the same as it was before?” I will say anything at this point in order to get him gone. It doesn’t matter how cruel my words are, if Michael sees Cal, then I will be given a lesson in just how cruel life can really get. “Just go, Cal. I don’t need a knight in shining fucking armour thinking he has to try and save me.”
“No,” he bites back, and I throw m
y arms in the air at his answer.
“Damn you, Cal Bailey!” It’s not often I use his last name, but when I do, it normally means that I’m frustrated with him, and right now, I am beyond frustrated.
My eyes keep darting to the door.
My time is running out.
I take Cal’s hands in mine and I give them a little squeeze as I look him straight in the eye so that I can convey as much emotion as possible. “He can’t see you here.”
I don’t need to tell Cal who it is that I am referring to. He knows. He knows me, and he knows that I am frightened. I was a fool to think that I could keep it from him.
“Why not?”
“Oh God, don’t make this harder than it already is,” I say as I bite down on my lip, hard.
“Just answer me and then I’ll go.” His hand returns to my cheek and this time I don’t pull away. His touch comforts me, and God do I need comfort in my life right now.
I take a deep breath and voice the words that have been kept inside for so long. “Because he’ll hurt me.”
I watch the colour physically drain from Cal’s face and I hate that I am the one causing that. I hate that I have become so pathetic and weak. I hate that I have let a man get into my head and take over my life.
“Leave him,” Cal says as if I haven’t already thought about that a million times.
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can,” Cal urges, his eyes glistening.
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. You can come and live with me, we can figure it out together.” His words hold so much promise, but they’re just words. False hope.
“It’s no use. I can’t go anywhere.”
“Why the hell not, Lucy?”
“Because he loves me.”
“He loves you?” Cal replies sarcastically.
“Yes,” I answer as I feel my defences dropping. “He loves me which means that he’ll never let me go, and I can’t bring anyone else into this.” The thought of Cal or Kim being involved in the shitty situation I have found myself in would make me feel worse than I do now. The guilt would eat me up.
“Love doesn’t work like that, Luce.” His voice is gentle, calming, but all it does is fuel the anger deep down inside of me. Cal Bailey is going to try and talk to me about love? I don’t think so.
“And how the fuck would you know?” I say, the venom in my voice making him reel back slightly.
“I know what love is, but I’m starting to think that you don’t,” Cal responds, poking the fucking fire a little more.
“Oh really? Is your love the kind where you just up and leave? The kind where you get a little bit scared, so you decide to keep things at the friend-zone?” I want to slap myself as I say each word. They just come tumbling out with no thought for how this is going to affect our friendship, or how Cal is going to respond to the fact that I am basically admitting that he friend-zoned me all those years ago. Cal’s eyes shimmer, regret visible in them.
“Lucy,” he whispers my name as he reaches for my hand, but I push back on my chair to give me more distance from him.
“Just leave me alone, Cal. I don’t need you, and I don’t need your judgement. I’m a big girl and I can make my own decisions.” My jaw is set firm. I will not cry. I will keep my emotions on lock down. I have to if I am going to survive this. “Just go, Cal.”
A few more seconds tick by.
I feel like I am on a knife’s edge.
I will Cal to go, walk out of here, forget all about me and the fucking mess that I have become.
“Fine,” Cal says as he stands up and puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Relief floods through me. Michael won’t see anything. There will be no punishment for me tonight.
“You know where I am if you change your mind,” Cal says, and I say the only thing that I can to extinguish the last look of hope in his royal-blue eyes.
“I won’t.”
He shakes his head and walks away from me, and possibly out of my life for good.
Chapter Forty
I can’t win
Kim walks into the office after lunch, a stony look on her face. She storms over to her desk and flops down in the chair, swivelling it to look at me. I keep my eyes on the computer screen to indicate that I don’t need a tongue lashing from her, but she ignores that and surges ahead with what I already know is going to come out of her mouth.
“What the fuck is the matter with you, Lucy?”
“Nothing.” I’ve had months of training to appear unaffected. There is no emotion to my voice.
“Bollocks. I’ve just spoken to Cal.” This has me whipping my head around to her, my body going into panic mode.
“Do you have to shout?” I scold her, quickly looking across the room to Michael. Luckily, he seems to be engrossed in some chatter with the guy who sits at the desk behind him, so he has his back to me.
“Well, someone has to.”
“Why?”
“Are you seriously asking me that? Do you need me to tell you that Cal is really upset?”
“I don’t have time for this, Kim, and I don’t want to talk about Cal.”
“Well, I do.” She folds her arms across her chest and I know that she isn’t going to back down. I need to wrap this conversation up quickly. “He came here to see you because you haven’t bothered with him, and all you do is have a go at him.”
“Is that what he said?” I ask, wondering how much Cal has told her.
“Not exactly, but I saw him leaving here, and I’ve never seen him so worked up in all the time that I’ve known him.”
“Well, then he’s being dramatic.”
“We both know that Cal isn’t dramatic, Lucy.” Fuck. I’m screwed here. Kim has known Cal as long as I have, so she knows that he doesn’t go in for dramatics, ever. “What is going on with you?”
“There’s nothing going on,” I reply adamantly.
“Oh come on, Luce, you don’t call, you don’t text, you don’t want to hang out anymore or even go for lunch. And now you want nothing to do with Cal? There is something wrong and I’m not going to stop asking until you tell me.”
“Well, you’ll be waiting for a long time then because there is nothing to tell.” I turn back to my computer screen, ending the conversation.
“Okay, fine,” Kim says as she stands up. “If you won’t tell me then I’ll just go and ask Michael.” She takes a step forward and I grab her arm in desperation.
“You can’t ask Michael.” I’ve already said too much with just that answer.
“Why?” Kim’s eyes narrow and I squirm in my seat.
“I… I…” And now I can see that Michael is looking over. I drop Kim’s arm abruptly and look at her with pleading eyes.
“Please, Kim, I can’t talk about it here, and I can’t have Michael thinking that anything is wrong.” Kim assesses me for a moment before sitting back at her desk. I breathe a sigh of relief, even though I can still feel Michael watching me from across the room.
“I want answers, Lucy.”
“I know.”
“We’re going for a drink after work, no arguments.”
I bite my bottom lip to stop myself from coming out with an excuse as to why I can’t go with her. She won’t take no for an answer now, and Michael will throw a fit when I tell him.
I can’t fucking win.
Chapter Forty-One
Separation
I am sitting in Alan’s.
By myself.
On my own.
Well, technically Kim is at the bar getting us drinks, but still, there is no sign of Michael.
It’s strange.
Almost surreal.
But fuck does it feel good.
He’s not here, watching me, analysing me, breathing down my neck.
I haven’t felt this relaxed in a long time. Sure, I’m going to get home and have to deal with the fallout, but for now, I am just going to enjoy having a drink with my friend.
&nbs
p; Kim comes walking back over to our table and places a glass of white wine in front of me.
“Thanks,” I say as she sits down and sets her beady eyes on me.
“Okay, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. What is going on, Lucy? No bullshit,” Kim says as she stares at me.
“Wow, talk about easing into a conversation,” I say with a nervous laugh.
“We don’t have time to ease into it. If what I think is true, then I imagine you have about an hour before you start getting all antsy and making excuses to go back home.”
Jesus, has she climbed into my fucking brain to pluck that information out?
“And what do you think is the truth?” I ask, even though I am afraid to hear her answer.
Kim holds my gaze for a moment before speaking, and when she does, I feel like the air has been knocked out of my lungs.
“I think that Michael has some sort of control over you, and you are afraid to speak up. I think that he has changed you, and to start with I thought that was a good thing, but now I’m just worried about you.” The sincere look in her eyes makes me want to burst into tears, but I manage to stop myself from showing her just how much of an emotional wreck I am.
“You don’t need to worry, I’m fine,” I insist.
“No, you’re not.”
“Michael just gets a little bit insecure sometimes.”
“Really?” she says sarcastically with an eye roll.
“Yes. I guess he’s just worried that I’m going to leave him.”
“And why should he be worried about you leaving?”
“He shouldn’t, and that’s what I keep trying to tell him.”
“Uh huh, and you think that’s healthy?”
“What is this, Kim? Twenty questions?” I try to inject a little humour, but it just falls flat.
“This is concern. This is me wanting to help you.”
“I don’t need help.”
“Does he hurt you?” Kim asks completely knocking me sideways.
“What?” I say, whispering.
“Does he hurt you, Lucy?” Kim’s expression is grim, and I am sure that mine is masked in horror. I look down at the table, desperately trying not to give anything away.
Losing Control (The Control Duet Book 1) Page 11