Cal carries me up the stairs and to his room. I hear him click the door shut behind us when we have reached the relevant room.
He doesn’t speak and for that I am grateful. I don’t know how I would explain my meltdown to him whilst still sobbing like the broken woman that I am.
I feel him lean down and I come into contact with a soft mattress. Turning on my side, I shuffle forwards and feel Cal lay down behind me. His arms hold me as his chest presses against my back. I don’t push him off, he makes me feel safe. He always has done, and he has always known exactly what I need.
Chapter Forty-Six
Truth
I struggle to open my eyes as they feel sore and swollen. I rub them gently, the rawness of all the crying that I did last night making them tender to touch.
As I open them slowly, they drift to the empty space beside me. Cal had been there when I had cried myself to sleep last night, but now there is just an empty space. My hand drifts over to the emptiness, tracing the creases in the sheet from where he was led.
I don’t know what I would have done if it hadn’t been for Cal. He is a part of me, always has been and always will be.
I close my eyes and rub my temples as a dull ache pulses in my head.
“Good morning,” I hear Cal say, making me open my eyes abruptly to see that he is walking into the room with a couple of mugs in his hand. He closes the door behind him and walks over to the bed, passing me one of the drinks. I prop myself up against the head board and take it from him.
“Thanks,” I say as I breathe in the scent of the coffee.
“How are you feeling this morning?” he asks as he sits down on the bed, facing me.
“I’m okay,” I say with a shrug of my shoulders.
“I don’t think so, babe,” Cal replies with one eyebrow raised. “Are you going to tell me what happened last night?” His eyes hold mine and I find that I want to tell him. Hell, I probably need to tell someone for my own sanity.
“I… I left Michael.”
Cal splutters on the mouthful of coffee that he is taking.
“As in for good?” he asks, leaning over and placing his cup on the bedside table. I nod my head, the tears wanting to emerge again.
Surely, I can’t cry any more than I already have?
I take a deep breath, rapidly blink the tears away and begin to talk.
“Things have been a bit tense for a while now, and I just can’t stay with him. When we first started dating it was fun, exciting, and a welcome distraction from being miserable from what Tom put me through.” I take a sip of my coffee as my mouth has gone dry before continuing.
“Michael used to be kind, caring, thoughtful. I honestly thought that I had found someone who wanted me just for me. Someone who wouldn’t try to change me or get embarrassed by me, you know?” Cal nods his head but stays quiet. “I guess that, even though I loved Tom, I always felt a bit too dowdy for him.”
“You have never been dowdy, Luce.”
“Maybe not to you, but it’s how I felt.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I always told myself that I was being silly, insecure, needy. I voiced my feelings to Tom once, but he just brushed them aside and I never mentioned it again. Then when I found him and Carley together, I hit an all-time low. It confirmed what I thought about myself. I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, refined enough. Anyway,” I say with a wave of my hand. “Michael made me feel different. He made me feel as though I was the only person that mattered. He made me feel good, Cal, really good.”
The memories of our first few months together flood my brain. I close my eyes as I allow myself a moment to remember how good it was.
“So, what went wrong?” Cal interrupts me, his voice quiet and concerned. I open my eyes and take a deep breath. I need to get this out. I need him to try and help me understand what I did wrong.
“I don’t know exactly, but Michael started to behave differently when I moved in with him. Not straight away, it was gradual. It was so fucking gradual that I never saw it coming. I never thought that I would be put in that position. How someone who was meant to love you could hurt you so much.”
“What did he do?”
“He…” The idea of saying it chokes me. My throat feels like it is closing up.
Admitting this to another person is going to make it all the more real. I have spent months trying to hide it, so as much as I need to tell Cal, I’m also aware that voicing it will be a confirmation of sorts.
“It’s okay, take your time,” Cal says softly.
I look at him and let a small smile play on my lips. He moves closer and sits directly in front of me, his legs crossed just like mine are. He takes my hands in his and holds them, rubbing his thumbs over my knuckles. It’s soothing.
“He didn’t like me going out without him. I just put it down to his insecurities, so I didn’t allow myself to dwell on it too much. I figured that it was my place to show him that I wasn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it worked, and other times it didn’t.”
Other memories flood my mind, and none of them are good. The feel of his hand on my face, the force with which he kicked me, punched me, the hateful words.
“He… He got so angry with me, told me that I wasn’t behaving as a girlfriend should.” My heart is starting to pound as I relive it. I haven’t even been away from him for twenty-four hours yet, and my heart still hurts.
“He would say cruel things to me, make me feel worthless, but he would always explain why it was my fault that he had reacted in such a hurtful way. My mind was convinced that it was all my doing. I needed to change. I needed to be better.”
“Lucy,” Cal whispers and I can hear the strain in his voice, the pain that he is feeling along with me. The tears can no longer be stopped, and they fall down my face as I fight to get the words out.
“The first time he hit me, I walked out, went to Kim’s.” Cal gasps but I ignore it and carry on speaking, if I don’t then I won’t get everything out.
“He came to find me, told me he was sorry, it wouldn’t happen again, and I believed him. I loved him, so why wouldn’t I forgive him? He was okay for a short while, but then he hit me again. That along with his words made me scared, fearful. I pushed you and Kim away. He made me feel like I couldn’t tell anyone, and I just kept making excuses for his behaviour. I dreaded anyone asking me to do anything because I knew that it would set Michael off. He was the one who took my phone away so that I had limited contact with you. He didn’t like you in my life, that was obvious, but again, I tried to excuse it. Put it down to the fact that most guys would feel a little insecure about our close bond.”
Cal’s jaw is clenched tight, but I continue to get the words out.
“I never wanted to lose you, but I didn’t want to piss Michael off further, so I chose the cowardly option. Instead of standing up to him, I allowed him to take over aspects of my life. He even managed to get himself on my project at work because he didn’t like that I was working with Tyler.” I scoff at how ridiculous this all sounds.
How could I have been so naïve and stupid?
“Last night he tried to drown me as I took a bath. He held me under the water as I tried to get him off of me.” My whole body is trembling now, and Cal has my hands gripped inside his.
“I think he frightened himself at how far he had gone. I knew then that it was over, that I had to get out. I thought I was going to die, Cal, I really thought that he was going to kill me.”
Cal lets go of my hands and moves me so that I am embraced in his arms. He holds me, just as he did last night. It feels good to tell someone, but fresh pain surges through me because the relief of telling someone also brings with it a burden that I may have just changed their opinion of me.
I don’t want Cal to view me differently, and I now see that I have so much left to battle and no energy left to fight.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Recuperation
Cal spends
the day looking after me. I have been lying in bed all day, watching films with Cal right by my side.
After telling him about what has been going on with me all these months, I guess he just wanted to try and help me relax, feel safe.
We hear the doorbell ring and Cal jumps up, grabbing his wallet from the bedside table.
“That’s the pizza,” he says as if it wasn’t obvious seeing as we ordered food about half an hour ago.
I pick up the remote control and pause the DVD that we have been watching as Cal bounds from the bedroom.
I look to the ceiling feeling a mixture of emotions, much as I have done for months now. The main feeling though is feeling safe. Michael can’t get to me here. He doesn’t even know where Cal lives, and I thank God that I never told him.
A few minutes go by and Cal still hasn’t returned with the pizza. With my stomach grumbling, I push myself off of the bed and pad out into the hallway.
As I near the top of the stairs, I can see that Cal has his arms folded. I descend the first step when the next voice to speak makes my blood run cold.
“Please can I see her?”
Michael.
He found me?
How the fuck does he know that I am here?
“You’re going nowhere near her,” Cal says, and I can hear the determination in his voice. I hastily step back and hide behind the wall, keeping my ear pricked so that I can hear what is going on as I try to calm my racing heart.
“Why the hell not?” Michael asks, keeping his innocent façade in place.
Cal scoffs. “Are you seriously going to stand there and make out that you’re innocent?” Cal says, and I hold my breath, waiting for Michael’s response.
“Look, I don’t know what she has told you about what has gone on, but she’s not in her right state of mind. She’s been behaving oddly for months now. I’m worried about her,” Michael replies.
The sheer anger that I feel as I hear Michael speak each word is indescribable, and if I weren’t so scared of what he might do, then I would march right down there and tell him what I thought of him. If only I wasn’t such a coward.
“Please don’t try and patronise me,” Cal says. “I’ve known Lucy since we were kids, and I believe every single word that she has told me, so nothing you say will make a blind bit of difference.”
I risk peering round the wall and see that Cal’s jaw is clenched as he holds his defiant stance.
“You still have a thing for her, huh?” Michael says, his tone changing to add in more of an edge. Cal laughs at his question.
“Only someone with your mentality would ask me a question like that. I don’t need to explain myself to you, and neither does Lucy.”
“I knew that you didn’t like me from the word go, and now you have made Lucy push me away.”
“Michael, I don’t have time for this.”
“Why? You too busy fucking my fiancée?” Michael sneers and I cover my mouth, disgusted at how vulgar his words can be. “LUCY!” he starts to shout and my whole body convulses.
Cal won’t let him in here.
No need to panic.
No need to be afraid.
It’s easy to say those words inside of my head, but actually putting them into action is another matter entirely. Of course I’m going to panic, and of course I’m afraid. Who wouldn’t be?
I breath in through my mouth and back out again, slowly, to try and regulate my racing heart.
“You are, aren’t you?” Michael continues, and I sink to the floor, my knees pulled up in front of me, my head resting back against the wall as I try to keep focussed on my breathing.
“You can think what you like,” Cal retorts which is going to do nothing to dampen Michael’s temper. “Lucy and I are friends, good friends and nothing will ever change that.”
“Everything was fine until you came back. Lucy and I were happy, excited for our future, but the minute you showed your face everything changed. She changed. You changed her.” Michael is on one and I know that this is just the start. This is just him building until he loses it. “You ruined what we had together.”
I peer round the wall again and see that Michael has come into view and he is standing near enough nose to nose with Cal.
My heart thumps and all thoughts of regulating my breathing have gone. Cal doesn’t look fazed in the slightest, but I am petrified that Michael is about to hurt my oldest and bestest friend.
“I didn’t do anything, Michael.”
“You fucking did,” Michael says as I see him shove Cal. Cal stumbles back slightly, but not as much as I would have had Michael shoved me. “You should have stayed away. You didn’t need to come back.”
“Get out,” Cal says, but I know that it will take something more for Michael to leave.
“I’m going nowhere until I have spoken to my fiancée.” He advances towards Cal again, I can see his hands are clenched into fists. I can’t let him hurt Cal. I won’t let Cal take a hit for me.
Before I can stop myself, I move on shaky legs down the first few steps. Neither of the men notice me to start with, so I walk down a couple more. Michael spots me before Cal does, and his focus shifts. Cal is no longer his target, I am. I walk to the bottom step and Michael starts to come towards me, but Cal beats him to it.
“It’s okay, Cal,” I say as Michael’s eyes turn thunderous.
“He’s going nowhere near you,” Cal says, his gaze firmly fixed on Michael.
“I don’t think that’s your choice,” Michael says, his teeth gritted.
I hate that I am in this situation. I shouldn’t have to hide from a man that was supposed to love and cherish me. I shouldn’t have to fear my friend getting involved.
“Lucy,” Michael starts. “Please, baby, can we talk?” Nice Michael is back. He can change in a split second, and I wonder how he manages it. I certainly couldn’t.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I reply, my voice quiet. I desperately want to cower down so that Cal hides me, but I don’t. I need to do what I can to get Michael out of here.
“I’m sorry that things got so heated last night, I just want to work this out. I love you, Luce. I don’t want to lose you.” Words that I have heard before. Words that once filled me with hope, but now I know that they mean nothing. They hold no truth. “Just come home with me.”
At one time, I wouldn’t have hesitated to follow his silent order. I would have put on a front and let him take hold of my hand and take me home, but not this time.
“I’m not coming back.”
“What?” He looks truly panicked and I have to avert my eyes so that I don’t get sucked into his mind games again.
“She said that she’s not coming back,” Cal says, reiterating the message.
Coming from behind Michael, two guys walk in, but stop in their tracks when they see that we have a stand-off going on.
“Everything okay?” One of the guys asks.
“Yeah,” Cal replies. “Michael here was just leaving.”
I can see that Michael is extremely pissed that this is not going his way. His jaw ticks, his hands twitch and his breathing deepens.
“I’m coming back for you, Lucy. We can work this out,” Michael says before throwing Cal a dirty look. He then turns around and marches out of the front door, past the other two guys, slamming the door behind him.
“What was all that about?” The second guy asks, his Irish accent thick.
“Nothing to worry about, lads,” Cal says, and I am grateful for his secrecy in the matter. I let out a shaky breath and place my hand on Cal’s shoulder to steady myself.
“You okay?” Cal asks me as he places his hand on mine.
“I think so.” No. No, I’m not okay, but I’ve already burdened Cal with too much.
“You look a little pale.”
“Just shocked more than anything. How the hell did he find out where you live?” I say, more to myself than to anyone else.
“You never told him?” Cal
asks.
“No.”
“I have no idea, but he isn’t going to let you go easily.”
“That’s what I was afraid of.” I look up to see that the two guys have disappeared, probably into the lounge. Another knock at the door has me jumping out of my skin. Cal goes and opens the door, clearly ready to face round two but he starts to smile a few seconds later.
“Pizza’s here,” he says turning to me, his smile easing my tension slightly. Cal pays the delivery guy and takes the pizzas.
“Come on,” Cal says as he closes the front door and walks up to me. “Let’s get back into bed, finish watching our film and not talk about Michael.”
People may not understand mine and Cal’s relationship, but it works for us, and I wouldn’t be without him.
“That sounds great.”
Chapter Forty-Eight
Normality
Three days have passed since I left Michael. Three days in which I have remained at Cal’s, holed away from the outside world.
Cal is helping me to try and heal my broken heart and soul, but I am still all over the place. One minute I’m relieved, the next I’m miserable. There is no in-between right now.
I am currently sat at my work desk, watching the door like a hawk. Cal tried to convince me that I shouldn’t be going anywhere, but I feel the need to try and get some semblance of normality back in my life.
After calling Kim last night and giving her a brief rundown of the last few days, she assured me that Michael hadn’t been into work either. She just assumed that we both had a sickness bug of sorts, and although she had tried my mobile phone, I have kept it turned off.
It’s nearly nine o’clock, and most of the staff have arrived. Cal made sure that he escorted me to my desk, and he assured me that he would be here to pick me up and take me back to his tonight. I tried to wave him off, but he was having none of it. To be honest, I am so glad that he hasn’t gotten sick of me yet. He really has been the one that has held me together, and he has stopped me from returning to Michael when my mind just wanted to focus on all of the good times.
Losing Control (The Control Duet Book 1) Page 13