by Grace James
I wanted to leave him as needy as he was making me, so I pressed myself against him harder, then I leant up, like I was going to kiss him, only I didn’t. “You’re talking a good game,” I whispered against his lips. “Shame you can’t deliver.” With that I wiggled out of his arms and started to open the door –
– but he caught me with an arm around my waist and pulled me back to him. “Baby, it’s on,” he growled, right before he kissed me again, fierce and hot. He cupped his hands around my ass and squeezed hard, pressing me against his crotch, grinding his semi-hardness against me.
I felt myself get wetter.
I clutched his back, feeling the heat of his skin through his shirt and the hard muscles undulating under my palms.
Then he abruptly pulled his lips away from mine and put his mouth to my ear. “Are you wet?” he whispered.
I bit my lip. “…yes.”
“Do you wanna come?”
“…yes,” I admitted, my cheeks flushing.
“Good.” He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
My mouth dropped open in shock and outrage.
He smirked and I knew he had gotten the reaction he was after. “Now get in there,” he commanded, indicating the partially open apartment door. He dropped a kiss to my forehead, released his hold on me completely and started walking backward away from me. “Go.” He mouthed.
I shot him a dirty look – which only made him chuckle – but picked up my bag and did as he said. I held his eyes the whole time, slipping backwards through the door and then finally closing it quietly.
Then I stood, with my hand flat against the wood, listening to his footsteps receding down the steps.
When I eventually turned around, it was to see Mel sitting cross legged on the couch, staring at me with her mouth wide open.
95
“Oh. My. GOD!” Mel squealed as soon as our eyes met.
“Mel, it’s not what you think –” I started as panic surged through me at the knowledge that I wasn’t going to be able to keep our secret like Blake and I had planned.
“Oh, no!” She pointed an accusing finger at me. “Don’t give me that bull crap! I’m not an idiot! When you sent me that cryptic text yesterday I figured you had – stupidly, I might add – gone somewhere with Connor!” She was grinning so widely I thought her head was going to split in half. “Looks like I put my bet on the wrong Maxwell!”
“Oh, God.” I put my head in my hands.
“I knew it! I knew there was something going on with you and Blake!”
“There wasn’t anything going on –”
“Oh, PLEASE! All the weirdness and sexual tension whenever you guys were in the same room? I was wondering when he was going to make his move!”
I walked over and plopped down next to her on the couch. “Do you think I’m awful?”
“What?! NO! You know I think you and Connor were a train wreck.”
“I know…but me and Blake, so soon after –”
“Did you guys kiss or…anything, while you were still with Connor?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then technically you didn’t cheat.”
I snorted. “Not cheating on a technicality is still pretty crappy.”
“You can’t help who you’re attracted to, Amy. That’s the one thing you can’t control. The point is, you didn’t act on it until after you and Connor broke up, right?”
I nodded.
“Then stop beating yourself up. Lord knows, Blake’s hot. Why shouldn’t you have a little fun? Just…be careful, okay?”
“What do you mean?” I asked. I knew exactly what she meant but I wasn’t willing to admit it.
“Well, he’s not exactly a ‘relationship’ kind of guy and you are definitely a ‘relationship’ kind of girl. Just, I don’t know, enjoy it for what it is. I just don’t want you to be disappointed when, you know…”
I felt sick. “When what?”
“Oh, you know what I mean.”
I just looked at her, willing her not to say what I thought she was going to say, wishing that she wouldn’t bust my bubble just yet.
She sighed, a little exasperated. “Okay, I was going to say, ‘when he goes on tour’, because I can only imagine what that guy would get up to on tour. Like, yikes!” She paused and looked at me warily. “You guys are just ‘friends with benefits’ or whatever, right?”
Up until that point, me and Blake in a relationship hadn’t seemed like a stupid concept, but right then I started to feel like a little bit of a dumbass. So I lied. “Yeah…look, please don’t say anything about this –”
“God Amy, I’m not an idiot.”
“I know, I just don’t think it would be a good idea to even tell Hayley yet.”
“Okay, he’s only around for one more week anyway, right?”
I tried to ignore the wrench I felt at the thought of him leaving. “…yeah.”
“Soooo, is he really as good as they say?” She grinned.
I narrowed my eyes as my stomach dipped sickeningly. “What? Who says?”
She rolled her eyes. “Come on, throw a stone at any Sons of Sinners show and you hit about a dozen Blake Maxwell conquests, I hear things.” She raised an eyebrow. “So, is he that good?”
I felt like I was going to throw up. Mel wasn’t saying anything I didn’t already know…she was just saying the things that I didn’t want to acknowledge. “Look, I’m just really tired. I think I’m just going to go to bed.” I got up off the couch and picked up my weekend bag.
“Amy, wait. Are you okay?” she called after me.
I turned to face her and saw that her face was full of worry. “Yeah,” I forced a smile. “Just tired.” I turned and walked into my bedroom, suddenly feeling about fifty pounds heavier.
96
I got into bed and lay awake, staring at the ceiling.
Half an hour before, I was walking on air, now my stomach was knotted with anxiety.
Mel had reminded me with sickening clarity of one major thing that I had allowed myself to ignore about Blake. Namely, that he was a man-whore of ridiculous proportions. I’d lost count of the amount of women that I’d actually seen him take home, add in the ones I’d only heard about, and multiply it by the ones I had no knowledge of at all…and you were looking at a disgusting number.
That was the stark truth.
Could I really, truly, expect him to be faithful to me while he was on tour?
While we were at the cabin, during one of our long talks, he’d admitted to me that he’d never had a proper girlfriend. He had told me that he’d never even gone home with the same woman more than three times.
Was he even capable of being with just one person?
He’d said he loved me, and I believed him. I really did. I knew that he would never intentionally hurt me. I knew that with my whole being, with everything I was…
But three months is a long time, a voice whispered inside my head. And he’ll be surrounded by women throwing themselves at him…is his willpower really that strong?
I didn’t have an answer for that.
Because in the dark of my lonely room, I just didn’t know.
97
My phone buzzing on my nightstand pulled me from my thoughts.
Blake’s name was glowing on the screen.
Despite my worries, my heart soared at the thought of talking to him and I couldn’t help the wide smile that spread across my face. “Hey you,” I answered.
“Amy, thank fuck,” Blake’s voice was gruff and tight.
I knew immediately that something was very wrong. “Blake, what happened?”
“It’s Con, he’s in the hospital. His mom just called, they think he OD’d, I’m on my way there now –”
I sat bold upright in bed, my hand over my mouth. “Is he – is he going to be alright?”
“I don’t know – fuck, I don’t know –” I heard the rising panic in his voice.
I leap
t out of bed and grabbed my jeans. “I’m coming now, okay? I’m on my way.”
“…okay, good.”
I hung up the phone and dressed frantically, before running out into the night.
I had never been so scared in all my life.
98
It felt like I hit every red light on the way to the hospital. By the time I got there I had resorted to screaming at the traffic around me for every minor delay.
Logically, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do anything for Connor, even when I got there, but I just felt a desperate need to be there, to find out what was happening, and every second seemed like a millennium.
When I finally ran into the waiting room, I was frantic.
I saw Blake pacing back and forth like a caged animal, with his hands locked together behind his head.
“Blake!” I cried out as I ran to him and threw myself at him. He instantly closed his arms around me and hugged me tight for a few seconds before I pulled back and looked up at his anxious face. “Is he okay?”
“I don’t know yet. They just called his mom through to see him.”
I put my hand to his cheek. “Are you okay?”
He shook his head and crushed me to him, burying his head in my neck; his arms and chest were tense, hard as iron around me as I hugged him tight.
“Hey guys, what’s the word?” Derren’s worried voice echoed across the waiting room.
“Is he going to be okay?” Hayley’s voice sounded at the same instant.
Blake and I let go of each other like we’d been burned, and I turned to see them hurrying towards us.
“His mom just went through,” Blake told them. “We’ll find out soon.”
Hayley and I hugged tight, and Blake and Derren bro-hugged briefly; seconds later, Kane arrived asking the same questions.
Then we just waited.
Kane, Derren, Hayley and I were all sitting on the uncomfortable, plastic waiting room chairs; Blake was pacing back and forth – but suddenly he stopped dead. I looked up to see him staring at a thin, blond woman who was emerging from the doors at the other side of the emergency room. I could tell that she had probably been beautiful once – her bone structure was delicate and feminine – but life had taken its toll. She looked tired and kind of beaten down.
All at once I knew who she must be: Roni. Connor’s mom.
“Is he okay?” Blake asked tightly.
“Yeah, they say he’ll be fine,” she practically spat. “Lucky him, huh?”
I released a huge breath that I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.
Roni flicked a quick glance at the rest of us. “He’s all yours, more fool you.” She started to walk away.
“You’re leaving?” Blake snarled.
She whirled back around to face him. “I got another son at home who’s not trying to dig himself an early grave. If you want to waste your time with Connor, be my guest, but I’ve got to go.” With that she stormed away, and out of the sliding doors at the other end of the room.
Blake glowered at her retreating back.
There was a beat of silence, then Hayley spoke up. “Do you think they’ll let us see him?”
“Let me go see what the fuck is going on,” Blake growled, before turning and striding into the ER.
Then there was more waiting.
About half an hour later, Blake returned and sat down next to me, looking weary. I wanted to reach out and take his hand, but of course I didn’t.
“He’s okay,” he sighed. “They’re not admitting him. They’re gonna release him soon, if you can believe it. He drank too much, snorted too much blow…” he trailed off and shook his head. “Matt and Luke were with him, they called an ambulance when they realized something was up. They got him here in time. The Doc says there shouldn’t be any lasting damage.”
“Lucky fucker,” Kane breathed.
“Where are they? These good buddies of his?” Hayley asked scornfully.
I was grateful she said that, because it was pretty much what I was thinking.
Derren snorted. “Where do you think? Hiding out somewhere in case he croaks.”
“Derren, what the hell?!” Hayley snapped.
“Hey! Just sayin’ it like it is! They’re a pair of fuckin’ pussies.”
“It’s the way you say it,” she grumbled.
“Whatever,” Kane broke in. “Can we go see him?” he asked Blake.
Blake looked at me but spoke to Kane. “Actually, he just wants to see Amy.”
“Just me?” I squeaked in surprise, I hadn’t figured on Connor wanting to see me at all.
Blake’s face was like stone. “Yeah. Alone, he said. But I’ll come with you.”
I almost agreed, but Connor was the one in a hospital bed, if he wanted to see me alone, then I felt like I should at least give him that. “It’s okay, I’ll go alone if that’s what he wants.”
Blake nodded but I saw something flicker in his eyes that I couldn’t define. Not anger…not hurt…but something akin to them both. Then he turned to Kane and Derren. “You guys need to go to that interview –”
“Nah, man –” Kane started to protest.
“Connor agrees with me,” Blake cut him off. “He told me to go too – I told him to shut the fuck up, but you guys do need to go. Call Aiden, tell him what happened. You gotta be there in a few hours so you need to take off soon.”
Kane still didn’t look convinced. “You’re sure he’s gonna be okay?”
“Yeah, he’s not great, but he’s out of danger.”
“Alright,” Derren said, resigned. “I’ll drop you home first, babe,” he said to Hayley.
“Wait,” she said, looking at me. “Do you want me to come see Connor with you?”
I shook my head. “I’ll be fine, I’ll call you after I’ve seen him.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah, go get some rest.”
We hugged our goodbyes and the three of them left, then I went to see Connor, while Blake stayed in the waiting room.
99
When I pulled back the curtain to find Connor sitting up in a hospital bed, looking pale and exhausted but alive, I nearly burst into tears.
I had been so worried about him, so beyond anxious, that actually seeing him sitting there sent a wave of relief through me that was so powerful I almost crumpled.
He looked up as I walked in and smiled weakly. “I didn’t know if you’d come.”
I approached the bed slowly and perched on the edge. Without even thinking about it, I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. “You scared me to death,” I breathed shakily.
He hugged me back. “I scared myself too.” I felt his arms tighten around me as he buried his head in my hair. “Amy, I’m so sorry…I’m so fucking sorry…” I felt his chest heave against me, and when he spoke again his voice was strangled. “I messed everything up…and I didn’t realize it ‘til tonight, when I thought it was too late…I’m so sorry…”
The despair in his voice broke my heart.
“Shhh, it’s okay,” I whispered, trying to soothe him as my own tears ran tracks down my cheeks.
I held him for a long time.
When he eventually broke away, he scrubbed his hands over his face, wiping away evidence of his anguish.
I sniffled and wiped my eyes too.
His mouth quirked into a hint of a wry smile. “Can you forgive me…again?”
I looked into his green eyes; even circled with dark rings, they were still beautiful. “Of course. But you don’t need me to forgive you –”
He snorted disdainfully. “Well, my mom’s never going to forgive me –”
I reached out and took his hand. “That’s not what I meant.” I took a deep breath; what I was going to say next would probably spiral the whole conversation into an argument, but I felt I had to say it. “You’re the one in the hospital bed, Connor. You’re the one who almost died. Whether I forgive you, or your mom forgives you, none of that matters if you
’re not here.” I couldn’t help the fresh tears that started to fall as I spoke. “And Blake – if anything happened to you it’d destroy him.” I knew that as surely as I knew the sun would rise in the morning; Connor was all Blake had, the only family he could count on.
When I finished talking, I expected a fight.
But I didn’t get one.
Instead, Connor hung his head. “I know.”
“Then maybe it’s time to make a change,” I said quietly.
He squeezed my hand and nodded almost imperceptibly. I stared at him in silence, waiting to see what he would do. Would he brush off my comments as he had done so many times before? Or would he finally see things differently?
Eventually, he looked up and his eyes met mine. They were overflowing with emotion. Fear. Shame. Regret?
When he spoke, I could hear the desperation in his voice. “I need you, Amy…this is what I’m like without you, this is what I was like before you. When I met you, you made me better…and I fucked it all up.” He scrunched his eyes shut briefly and dragged his hand through his hair before continuing. “You remember the first night we met? When I climbed that sign?”
I nodded and couldn’t help smiling a little through my tears at the memory of him pretending to fall – even though I had been terrified at the time.
He smiled faintly back at me. “Everything changed that night. For a while everything was good, and I know I fucked it up, and I’m sorry.” His eyes were imploring. “It was really good back then, wasn’t it? What we had?”
I nodded dumbly as I started to grasp where this was going.
“I want that back. I want you back. You kept me sane. Back then, when I had you, nothing else mattered…and now…” he stumbled to a halt and shook his head. “I’m ready to give it all up. I’ll never touch anything ever again, not even green. Hell, I won’t even drink.” He raised his right hand to cup my face tenderly. “I’m gonna do what I should have done two weeks ago – no, what I should have done months ago. I’m gonna give it all up. Just come back to me. Please, Amy.”