by Jeri K Raine
* * *
No such luck. As soon as I step inside Black Annie, Jake sees me and approaches. Hostile, aggressive. I tell him, “Wait. We got off on the wrong foot. I just wonder if you got some…” I look around the bar, furtive.
* * *
“Oh, I didn’t realize you were a lowlife junkie.”
* * *
“I haven’t had gotten the tattoo on my forehead yet.”
* * *
Jake is still suspicious, but only until I show him some money. I give him a pleading look of desperation. The sweat from the beers and whiskey makes it all look good. I let him think I’m humiliating myself, desperate for the meth. Make desperate sad puppy eyes so he feels like I’m already beaten and now he’s going to take my money. He probably imagines making me beg. Maybe slap me around some.
* * *
I leave him in the bar on his home ground, tell him I’ll wait outside to meet him, and he buys the story.
* * *
It all goes exactly according to plan. Jake comes out with the package, I take out the money again. McCleary waits for the exchange, for me to take the package. All good.
* * *
Only, McCleary takes the money from Jake before he takes him down for supplying. Then he turns with a grin and says he’s going to bust me for possession.
* * *
I had no clue, but Crane was there in the shadows, watching over me like a Mama cat. He steps out and lays a huge paw on McCleary’s shoulder. Says quietly into his ear, “Nothing God screwed up is more despised in a biker bar than a bent fucking cop, McCleary. You would be one shakedown over the edge here.”
* * *
Looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp, McCleary ties Jake’s wrists with a zip tie, puts him in the back of his cruiser. Walks back over to me and says, “You got your man. You got what you wanted. I’ll be watching out for you.”
* * *
“One thing, McCleary.”
* * *
“What?”
* * *
“I gave you the collar, you’ll take the credit. I need twenty seconds with your suspect.”
* * *
“Oh, no. You’re not pulling no vigilante stunts on my turf, boy.”
* * *
“No, I’m going to tell him something is all. And you’ll benefit from it, to. It’s your lucky night, McCleary. Buy one cleared-up crime, get one more free.” I’m not giving him a choice and he knows I’m telling him the truth.
* * *
Jake, sitting in the back seat of the cruiser, I make him stretch to lean his ear, up to the two-inch gap where the back window is open.
* * *
I tell him, “You know, asshole, the cops could get petty detailed information about your associates with the meth lab. If the lab got busted while you were in being questioned, people would think you gave them up.”
* * *
I watch his eyes bulge and his jaw works. ‘Roids. Very bad for the temperament. I tell him, “That would make your career in jail painful and real short. You would find yourself very dead, too. Real soon.” He hits his head against the window. as he shakes.
* * *
“You need to have a full and complete Come to Jesus moment, asshole. Give it up about Tandi’s bust. And I mean real fast, asshole. Otherwise, you better be at peace with your maker. You know what I’m saying?”
* * *
The anger on his face says he’ll do the right thing, but you never know ‘till it’s done.
* * *
Feeling hollow and rusty and bad in more ways than I can stand, I stop in a liquor store on my way home.
Chapter 14
Jessica
I can’t find Christian.
* * *
He doesn’t answer his phone and somebody else is doing security at Lil’ Blossoms. I asked Karen if she knew anything about Christian, where he was, what was happening. No way was she going to tell me anything. I watched her eyes when I asked her about him. Karen doesn’t give much away but the look on her face does not give me encouragement.
* * *
It’s day three and I’m feeling desperate. I told myself not to expect to see him again. I know I shouldn’t be hoping for anything. He’s too fine and too good a man to be bothered with a little mess like me. Still, I’m howling inside.
* * *
Then I can’t get a hold of Tandi. She doesn’t call at the regular time and I don’t know what’s going on.
* * *
Mimi knows something is wrong. She keeps close to me. Sits by when she’s reading. Asks me to watch her streaming show with her.
* * *
After I’ve settled Mimi to sleep with a story, I’m thinking I’ll allow myself a beer. My phone rings. I jump. I see a number but I don’t recognize it. When I pick up, I’m anxious.
* * *
Then I’m alarmed when I hear Tandi’s voice. “I’m in the precinct house, Jess.”
* * *
“What?”
* * *
“Can you come and get me?”
Chapter 15
Jessica
Big bikes are parked outside of Chug A Lug. Inside bar is mostly furnished with bare wood, low hanging lights and a couple of neon signs with beer logos. A jukebox in the far corner plays a mix of blues and heavy metal. Not a place I’d feel comfortable to visit alone.
* * *
When I walk in, a huge biker is hunched at the bar. I don’t see anyone behind it, though. I wait at the bar, for what certainly feels like a long time.
* * *
I perch on a stool to wait. Two more large bikers are playing pool at the far end of the room. A waitress in a skimpy outfit mingles with the half a dozen customers scattered about the big, dark room.
* * *
The biker at the corner of the bar raises his head. Looks me up and down. “Buy you a drink, gorgeous?”
* * *
“Kind of you,” I tell him, “but no. Thanks. I’m looking for someone–”
* * *
“Place like this, sweetbutt,” his heavy-lidded eyes are watching me through the darkness, “you might not want to introduce yourself by asking questions. Friendly advice.”
* * *
“It’s a friend of mine. To tell you the truth, I’m a little worried about him. I came here because I think he works here. Somebody told me he did. His name is Christian.”
* * *
The bikers expression changes. Softens. “Maybe you can leave a message.”
* * *
“I really want to see him.”
* * *
Just then, the sound from back behind the bar. When he steps out from the darkness at the far end, lurching with his shoulders hunched, moving slow, barely looking up, I feel like I got the best early Christmas present.
* * *
I’m so thrilled to see him in good shape. I slip off the stool and I’m hurrying towards him but he lifts a hand and lowers his eyelids. I stop.
* * *
“You don’t Wanna be around me. I’m bad news.” He tells me.
* * *
“You’re pretty good news to me, Christian.” I tell him. “I know what you did.”
* * *
“I can’t say more than that I’m sorry.”
* * *
“You’re sorry? Are you kidding me?” I’m shaking from head to foot. I’m having to physically hold myself back from jumping over the bar and painting myself on him. My body is crying out for the touch of his.
* * *
“You got my sister sprang out of jail, when there was no chance of an appeal. You gave me Mimi back her momma. You want to be sorry for some of that?”
* * *
He looks up at me for the first time. His eyes are so dark and sad, I rush to press against the counter and lean toward him but he holds up his hand again.
* * *
“I fell off the wagon, Jessica. I fell hard.”
* * *
�
�Well,” my heart is aching for him. How can I show him with a twenty-four carat hero he is for me? How can I tell him he’s practically a saint? “I tell you what, you come and tell Tandi and Mimi what a heel you are. See if you can convince them.”
* * *
“I thought I’d beaten it, Jessica. But you never beat it. It never lets you go.”
* * *
I climb onto a barstool. As near to him as he’ll let me. I hand stretching over the bar, reaching for. He’s like a statue.
* * *
“It started with a couple of beers I had with the cop, McCleary.” He raises his head, like it’s made of iron and he needs a chain to pull it up. “Then a whiskey. And another. And I had bourbon with Jake.” The wells in his eyes are so deep I could dive in and be falling forever. I think I’m falling now. “
* * *
I want to hug him. Hold him and tell him it’s all right, but I have to let him speak. Let him open up, in his own time. Wait for him to come to me. I can nurse him. I can heal him. But he has to let me.
* * *
“That’s not all, either.”
* * *
It’s agonizing for me to watch. It feels like it will tear the heart out of me, but it has to be at his pace. He has to open up in his way. I know it.
* * *
“Jessica, on the way home,” he shakes his head. I don’t know the half of what happened that night, only what Tandi was able to find out. I can only imagine what a hell that whole night must have been.
* * *
He says, “On the way back, I stopped at a liquor store. Picked up a quart of bourbon. Drank the whole thing in the next, I don’t know, hour?” His head shakes slowly. He rubs his forehead with his hand. Then he looks up, pleading.
* * *
He balls up his fists. Clenches them. His eyes flash. “I’m no good, Jessica. Maybe once I was, but I can’t be healed, now.”
* * *
I can’t take it any more. I’m about to climb over the bar.
* * *
“Don’t.” His voice still has complete command of me. “Don’t, Jessica,” and his anguish is more than I can bear.
* * *
I stand in front of him. I’m shaking. “You are not broken. You’re not past repair. I look at you, Christian, I see one of the purest hearts I have ever known. You’ve done the best thing anyone could ever have done for my family, Christian.”
* * *
I’m breathing hard and I tell him, “Now you will let me heal you. You will let me do it, and you will come to me willingly.” My blood is rising, my muscles buzz, I feel my fists clench.
* * *
“You will let me take care of you, Christian, or I swear, I will knock you down and carry you myself.”
* * *
From the far end of the bar, there’s a slow, quiet clap.
* * *
The biker speaks softly to Christian, “You got to know when you’re beat,” the Christian’s eyes turn to him. “Christian, my man, for one thing, the lady’s right. You are a man with a heart of pure gold. You are the real fucking deal. I mean, it man. If you had a pussy I might marry you myself.” for a moment, the biker’s eye twinkled in my direction. I know he said ‘marry’ when he meant ‘fuck’ and he did it for me. The biker looks straight at Christian and lifts his beer. “And for the other thing, I do know what you did last week. Remember? I know exactly, because I was there. You did those good things, bro. And,” He turns to me, “you don’t mind me saying so, Ma’am, he put himself in one hell of a lot more fucking danger that you may be aware of. He took some very big risks. And they nearly turned over on him pretty fucking bad.”
* * *
I can see Christian feeling cornered. Hemmed in. We are trying to tell him how we see that he is good. He only sees the bad, and he can’t bear what he does see.
* * *
He leans both hands on the bar and looks into my eyes.
* * *
“Jessica, I thought I had it beat. I thought I got back from… I thought when I got back home, stateside. I thought it was over. I don’t know if it’s a sickness or a weakness or a thing in my genes, but it’s there. It’s there just as much as it ever was. It’s like a beast and it doesn’t go away. I thought I had made it go, made it die. It was just hiding in the dark.”
* * *
Slowly, but directly, I moved my hand next to his. I want to take hold of his hand, but I wait. I just move my hand until my finger touches his. He flinches, but only a little. Then I slipped my hand over the backs of his fingers. I stroke the back of his hand, and I get the charge that I felt from before. It’s weaker, and it trembles a little. But it’s there.
* * *
“You don’t beat it, Christian and you don’t let it be you. It’s part of you. You live with it.”
* * *
“But don’t you see, I can’t live a life where… I can’t live a life with someone else. If that can come–”
* * *
“But you are in control of it, Christian.”
* * *
His hand grips on the countertop. The pain in his face is awful. I so want to just hug him, comfort him.
* * *
“Have you had a drink today, Christian?”
* * *
I want to look down the bar at the biker confirmation, but I know that I have to do this without allies. I have to do it, just him and me. He doesn’t speak, but he shakes his head.
* * *
“Yesterday?”
* * *
Again, he shakes his head.
* * *
“Did you have a drink since that bottle he took home with you?”
* * *
He shakes his head again. But he lifts his eyes, “But, Jessica–”
* * *
“But nothing. That’s a week of full control. Did you have any help?”
* * *
He shakes his head.
* * *
“Imagine how would be if you did have help.”
* * *
He nods. “I will. I will go to meetings.”
* * *
“That’s not the kind of help that I mean, Christian. You have to decide whether you want the support of a meeting. I’m talking about the help and support of somebody who can be close to you. Who cares about you, and will love you.” I squeeze his hand. “That kind of help.”
* * *
Finally, his hand turns over. At last, he takes my hand in his.
* * *
“I’m not worth it, Jessica. You can do better. And you deserve better.”
* * *
“You are. You really are worth it, Christian. And I know, but only could I not do better
* * *
“And I know, Christian, I can never do better than you. No woman could. You are better than as good as they get.”
* * *
I pull on his hand. “You’ve shown the strength and the will to heal yourself, and all you need is support.” His eyes are welling, but I don’t stop. “though, after what you did for Tandi and Mimi, I’d forgive you pretty much anything.”
* * *
He squeezes my hand. I tell him, “Come back with me. Let me give his ease. Come and let me love you. We will heal you completely. You and me. Together.”
Chapter 16
Christian