by Marie Sexton
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I made an effort not to yell, tried to keep my voice level. Almost succeeded. Brian squirmed, clearly uncomfortable. Lizzy looked pissed as hell, and I had a feeling it was at me. I couldn’t tell what Mom was thinking.
“It means I should have realized what was going on. You’ve drawn a line, haven’t you? And I’m not supposed to cross it. And apparently that line is just outside the bedroom door.” Brian jumped up and grabbed whatever dishes were closest to him and bolted for the kitchen. Mom and Lizzy didn’t move. Matt wasn’t done. “You talk a pretty good game, but the fact is, you’re still ashamed of who you are, and you’re ashamed to be seen with me.”
“I’m not.”
“You are! Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You think I haven’t noticed that suddenly we can’t even go out to eat anymore? Sure, you’re fine with being gay, but only because you live your life in a fucking bubble. As soon as it comes down to actually facing people, you bury your head in the sand.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Fair? Do you have any idea what I put up with at work for you? Have you ever even thought about it? Do you think that’s ‘fair’? I ask you to make just a little bit of an effort for me, and you won’t even consider it. And you have the nerve to talk to me about ‘fair’? You said this was what you wanted, but now you’re the one who can’t face it!”
“Wait—” I was backpedaling now.
But he ignored me and kept talking. “And now this job! I’ve seen you with those kids. I know how much you love teaching them. But you’re going to pass up a chance to teach full-time just so you can avoid having to deal with a few bigoted parents or a few asshole teenagers. You’re going to keep working at that shop for the rest of your life, just so you don’t have to face the rest of the world. You can tell yourself that it’s because you have to. That it’s because your family needs you to. But it’s bullshit, Jared! The real reason you won’t consider it is because you’re scared.”
I sat back, stunned and angry. “Are you done?”
“Yeah. I’m definitely done with this whole fucked-up situation.” He stalked out of the room. A second later, the front door slammed behind him.
Lizzy jumped up and threw a roll at my head. Her aim was impeccable. “Asshole!” She ran after Matt.
Only Mom and I were left. I put my head in my hands on the table. I was shaking, terrified his last statement meant he was leaving me for good. I wanted to chase after him, but then what? I couldn’t do what he wanted me to do, but I couldn’t bear to lose him either. I was torn between heartbreak and anger, fighting hard to keep from bursting into tears.
Mom sat there for several seconds, but I knew she’d say something eventually. If she didn’t have something to say, she would have left the table already. Finally, she took a deep breath and jumped in. “Jared, let me say two things, and then I’ll never mention this ugly incident again.”
“Do I have a choice?”
“No, you don’t. The first is this: you can’t control what others think. The only thing you can control is yourself. Some people will look down on you for your choices in life, no matter what they are. You can’t do anything about that. The only thing you can do is decide how to live your own life. And to hell with everybody else.
“The second is this: I know being in a committed relationship is new for you. But trust me on this: you can’t pick tiny pieces of yourself to share, and keep the rest to yourself. It doesn’t work that way. It’s all or nothing. Third—”
“You said there were only two things.”
“I lied. The third thing is simply this.” She put her hand on my shoulder, and that gentle touch made me lose my battle to keep the tears back. I let them come and was childishly relieved that only my mother was there to see it. Her voice was soft when she continued. “That boy loves you. Don’t be such a pigheaded fool that you can’t see it.”
She kissed me on the back of my head and left.
Lizzy gave me a ride home in stony silence. I had no idea what had passed between her and Matt after she followed him out of the dining room. I only knew that she came back hurt and angry and he didn’t come back at all. She parked in front of my house, but when I started to get out, she finally broke the silence.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I rested my forehead against the cool glass of the window. I couldn’t look at her. “I don’t know.”
“I thought we were friends.”
“We are.”
“Really?” She sniffled a little, and when I looked over, there were tears on her face. I couldn’t remember ever feeling like such an ass.
“Yes, Lizzy, of course we’re friends.” I reached over and took her hand. “You know I love you. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I know that’s a lame as hell answer, but it’s true. I just didn’t want anybody to know. The thought of taking that job ties my stomach in knots, and I can’t really explain why. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just scared.” Now, having said it, I had to really examine it. I didn’t like what I saw.
She squeezed my hand. “Jared, don’t worry about the shop. We’ll figure something out. Take the job.”
“I don’t know, Lizzy—”
“Take the job. And pull your head out of your ass. You owe Matt an apology.”
It wasn’t until I got in the house that I realized Matt wasn’t there. I called his apartment but hung up when his voicemail picked up. I debated driving over but decided that would just be asking for trouble. He was obviously still angry. I was too, but only a little. Mostly I was hurt and ashamed. I knew if I tried to talk to him now, he’d still be in attack mode and I’d be defensive, and in the end, we’d probably end up saying things we didn’t mean.
The next morning I called again and got his voicemail. This time I left a message. “Matt, I’m sorry. Please come home.”
I kept remembering what it had been like after my birthday, leaving messages for him and never hearing back. I spent the whole day at work trying to convince myself that he wouldn’t do that to me again. I was hopelessly relieved when I got home and found him waiting for me. He was sitting on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. He looked scared but also determined. My first instinct was to rush into his arms, but he held up his hand to stop me.
“Stay over there.” He wouldn’t look at me, and his voice was firm.
“Why?”
“I have something I need to say to you. If you’re here, where I can touch you….” He took a deep breath and then looked up at me. “I’ll lose my nerve.”
My heart dropped. There was only one thing that could make him sound so cold and so final while looking so scared. I leaned against the door, tried to steady my breathing, and waited for him to tell me he was leaving me forever—leaving me alone again. I steeled myself for what was coming, hoping I could keep myself together. Hoping I didn’t burst into tears like a little kid while he ended things.
“I’m listening.” Although my voice broke a bit as I said it.
He took another deep breath and started talking. “I don’t do things halfway. Once I make a decision, I generally don’t waste time second-guessing myself. And with the exception of one very bad decision I made a couple of months ago”—he blushed when he said this, and I knew he was talking about his decision to leave me and date Cherie—“it’s always been for the best.” He stopped for a second, but I knew he wasn’t finished, so I waited. “When I made the decision to be with you, I just assumed that what you wanted and what I wanted were the same thing. But I realize now that I should have asked you.”
My mind scrambled for purchase, trying to see where this was headed. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t breaking up with me. I hardly dared to hope. “You knew what I wanted.” I barely managed to get the words out.
He shook his head. “I thought I did. I assumed I did. But I never asked. I assumed that this”—he indicated the two of us—“was going to be something seri
ous. I basically moved in with you, and I never stopped to question if that was what you wanted.”
“It was, Matt.” I hated how desperate I sounded. “It is.”
“Are you sure, Jared?” I started to answer, but he held up his hand to stop me. “Don’t talk. Let me finish. This relationship isn’t easy for me. It’s going to take time for the guys at the department to get used to the idea of me being gay. I mean, I’m still getting used to the idea myself. I’ve spent the last few months denying that we were lovers, and now suddenly I’m not denying it, and they know I’ve been living here, and I have to take a lot of shit for that. I’m willing to deal with it, because of the way I feel about you. Because I’m not happy unless I’m with you. But I’m not sure I’m willing to deal with it if all you’re interested in is sex. I know that sounds like an ultimatum, and I don’t want it to, but I have to be honest. I want us to be together. But, like I said, I don’t do things halfway. So if we’re together, I need it to be for real. I need you to be sure.”
He stopped short like he wasn’t done but wasn’t sure what else to say. I put my face in my hands, sagging with relief. Once I had my balance, I looked back up at him. He was still sitting there, looking lost, looking like he needed to say more but didn’t know how.
When it became evident he wasn’t going to say anything else, I asked, “Can I talk now?”
He almost smiled. “Yes.”
“Do I still have to stand by the door?”
That got me a grudging chuckle. “I guess not.”
I went to him, putting my arms around his neck, leaning my forehead against his even though he held himself stiff and distant.
“Matt, this is what I want. I do want you here with me. It’s not just about sex. I’m crazy about you, and there’s nothing I want more than for us to be together.”
He looked relieved but still didn’t reach for me. “I don’t want to fight anymore. We need to decide now how we’re going to handle this.”
I took a deep breath. This was the part I wasn’t sure about. “Okay.”
“I know you’re embarrassed—”
“Not of you.”
He ignored my interruption. “And I understand, to a certain extent. But I think you’re going about it wrong, trying to hide it. We can spend our lives holed up here in this house, trying to pretend like we’re not together, but in a town this small, people will still know. And they will talk. And it seems to me that acting like criminals will only give them more to gossip about. I’m not saying it’s easy for me either, Jared, but I don’t want to hide anymore. I will not spend the rest of my life being ashamed of my love for you.”
That was the first time he’d ever used that word. Only a few minutes ago, I’d been sure that he was leaving me, and now he was saying he loved me.
“Jared, please say something.”
My voice shook. “You love me?”
He put one hand in my hair and pulled me closer, smiling and shaking his head at me. “Do you really have to ask?”
Some knot in my chest that I hadn’t quite realized still existed loosened up and was gone. He loved me, and he was happy with me, despite everything it cost him with his coworkers. Was it really so much to ask for me to try to make it easier? I was causing all of these arguments, but why? Because I was too proud to face his coworkers? It occurred to me how proud I should be that he wanted me with him. I closed my eyes and concentrated on not allowing myself to cry in front of him, but I couldn’t stop my breath from shaking.
“What is it, Jared?” His voice was so gentle. “Talk to me.”
“You were right—I am scared. But….” I opened my eyes again and looked into his. “I don’t want to fight anymore either. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”
He smiled again and then kissed me gently. “Will you go riding with me tomorrow?”
That simple request surprised me. “Of course.”
“Two of the guys from the station will be there.”
“Oh.”
“But you’ll go?”
This was it. I couldn’t turn back now. “If you want me to.”
“Will you go to the party with me on Saturday?”
My pulse raced. Butterflies burst to life in my stomach just thinking about it. “I will. I’ll hate it, but I’ll go if that’s what you want.”
“It is.” He tightened his arm around me and kissed me again, and then the hand in my hair pulled a little, like I knew it would, angling my head to the side so he could kiss my cheek, then my jaw, and then my neck. His voice was low and full of a promise that made my knees go weak as his lips brushed my ear. “Will you come in the bedroom with me?”
I laughed with relief. “God, yes. Happily.”
He led me to the bedroom and slowly, slowly, undressed me, kissing me everywhere. He took nothing for himself, gently turning away all of my efforts to please him, and used his hands and his mouth on me, teasing me into the most amazing orgasm I’d experienced in a long time. Afterward, he kissed me gently, holding me tight. “I do love you, Jared. It frightens me sometimes how much I love you.”
I couldn’t stop the tears this time. I was relieved it was dark in the bedroom, so he couldn’t see them. I put my arms around him. “Matt—”
He silenced me with a finger on my lips. “Shh.” He wrapped himself around me, chest to chest, legs tangled together, one hand moving through my hair. He kissed my forehead. “No more talking, Jared. Just let me hold you.”
Any doubts I might have had were gone. He loved me. Nothing else mattered.
Chapter 25
THE NEXT day, just after lunch, we loaded our bikes onto the Jeep and headed for the trailhead. I leaned my forehead against the window and watched the trees fly past, trying to steady my nerves and convince myself that I didn’t really need to throw up. I hated myself for being so nervous.
“Are you okay over there?” Matt asked lightly.
“No. I’m trying to remember why I agreed to this.” I tried replaying our conversation from the day before, hoping to reclaim the surety I’d felt then. But in the harsh light of day, it was hard to hang on to. I forced myself to remember his whisper in my ear, his arms tight around me, as he told me that he loved me. That’s why I was here. I was doing this for him. Still, it did nothing to alleviate the knots in my stomach.
“It’s going to be fine.”
“That’s easy for you to say.” Logically, I knew he was right. It was just riding, which I loved. I probably wouldn’t have to talk to them much at all. And in a few short hours, we’d be back home. I took a deep breath. “Who are these guys? What should I expect?”
“Grant Jameson and Tyson McDaniels.”
It took me a second to figure out why that name sounded familiar. “Grant Jameson? That asshole that came to my house and asked if I had kids in my bedroom?”
“Grant is an asshole. I won’t even try to deny it. He’s a sexist, homophobic jerk. But he’s a jerk I have to work with almost every single day.”
“What about the other one?”
“Tyson’s an okay guy. Mostly he just follows Grant’s lead. I think if he knows you better, maybe he’ll quit listening to Grant so much. Grant will probably always harass me about it, but it’s starting to be more like friendly harassment. Most of the time, at least. And I think it’s important for them to realize that I’m not ashamed to be with you.”
“So they accept you now but not me, even though they know we’re together?”
“For the most part. Once they realized calling me names wasn’t going to change anything and that I could still hold my own against any of them, they got over it.” He shrugged. “Mostly. Some of the older cops will never accept me, and I can deal with that. But Grant and Tyson are the ones I work with the most, and I need for them to get used to it. They’re starting to accept it, especially Tyson. They know me, and I don’t fit their stereotype. You don’t fit it either, but you refuse to prove it.”
“That’s really all it takes?” I w
as still skeptical.
“I think that’s a lot of it, yes.”
I shook my head. “I think you’re kidding yourself.” He didn’t answer, and we drove a while in silence. I was confused when he passed the turnoff for the trail we usually rode. “Where’re we going?”
“Johnson’s Rock.”
“Really?” Johnson’s Rock was the toughest trail in the area. Matt could almost keep up with me on the easier trails, but the one time we had tried Johnson’s Rock, he’d struggled more than usual. “Why?”
“It seemed like a good idea.”
“Are these guys that good?”
He smiled over at me. “Not even close.”
“You do realize you’re making no sense at all, right?”
“I told them the other day that you and I were going riding. And Grant asked, wouldn’t I rather ride with somebody who could keep up with me instead of a fucking fairy? So I suggested they come with us.”
“That’s why we’re going to the toughest trail in the area?”
“Exactly.”
“I still don’t see how this will change anything.”
“It’s all about competition. They have respect for people who can beat them.”
The light came on. “Ah. I think it’s all making sense now.”
“It’ll bring Grant down a notch to eat your dust all day. And it will prove to them both that you’re not what they expect.”
“You’re one manipulative bastard.”
“I am.” And the smile he gave me made up for it all.
Grant and Tyson were waiting for us at the trailhead. Tyson nodded and shook my hand when Matt introduced me, although he seemed unwilling to meet my eyes. Grant didn’t even acknowledge my existence.
We mounted up and were just ready to start out, when Grant said, “Are you boys and girls ready?” Tyson turned away, obviously embarrassed. Matt ignored him completely. I felt myself go red up to my hairline. Blood pounded in my ears, but I kept my eyes on the ground and said nothing. “Okay, then,” Grant said when it became obvious nobody was going to respond. “I’ll wait for you at the top.”