by Nicole Casey
“It’s beautiful here, Laz,” she offered, avoiding my eyes. “I can see why you came here.”
A combination of emotions overwhelmed me—shock, gratitude and anger. I had finally moved on from what had happened between us, hadn’t I? Why was she coming back to haunt me?
At the same time, I was relieved to see her there, looking healthier and saner than I’d ever known her to be, even if that wasn’t a tall order to fill. It was hard to imagine Helena any worse than the last time I’d seen her. Could she be cured or had she escaped? I didn’t know which thought was more terrifying.
The Helena I knew wouldn’t have thought twice about breaking out of the hospital but somehow, I could see that this woman wasn’t the same woman I’d divorced, two years earlier.
Her eyes fixed on me and she gave me a weak smile.
“I know me being here is a shock to you, baby,” she sighed. “But I didn’t know how to reach you by phone or email.”
Why did I find that hard to believe? If she could find out where I lived, she could certainly should have been able to find out where the office was for her to call.
“What are you doing here, El? Do your doctors know you’re here?”
She laughed.
“I didn’t break out, if that’s what you’re asking,” she replied in an off-handed manner like this was a joke to her.
A night creature tittered in the trees, making me realize I was still gaping at her on my front porch but I wasn’t sure I wanted her to come inside.
“I’m not here to cause you any problems, Laz,” she sighed, looking contrite for the first time since she arrived. I guess I hadn’t given her the reaction she’d been expecting.
“What are you doing here?”
“I have nowhere else to go.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or frown at her confession. Her family had never been around before she’d gone away. I wasn’t exactly surprised to realize that they had kept their distance, if she’d reached out to anyone at all. It seemed to me that she’d done her best to alienate everyone the best way she knew how.
Even following our divorce, I had tried to visit her but she flatly refused my calls and attempts to see her.
Eventually, I had to accept that she simply didn’t want me in her life.
“El,” I sighed. “What do you want me to say?”
She shrugged and lowered her eyes but I could see the concern etched in her face.
“I’m better now, Laz,” she said, her voice barely audible. “I’m taking my meds and I have to keep my appointments at Peninsula. I have a great doctor who’s helping me through all my shit. I don’t expect you to forget everything that happened but I want to make amends.”
My eyes narrowed dangerously.
“Are you in a program?” I asked. “Making amends” was part of NA and AA, wasn’t it?
“I’m in a lot of programs,” she replied, a slight grimace forming on her lips. “More than I can count.”
“Jesus Christ, El. What do you want me to do?” I groaned, already knowing what she was going to ask before she built up the nerve to do it but I silently prayed I was wrong. We had far too much dark history for her to entertain this idea but Helena was nothing if not shameless.
She shifted her head to look over her shoulder, like she half-expected someone else to join us and I tensed at the idea that this might be some setup.
“I need a place to stay for a while,” Helena muttered. “Just until I can find a job and get on my feet.”
“In Gatlinburg?” I was aghast by the idea. “You’re better off finding a place in Knoxville. The job market isn’t exactly bustling over here.”
“I don’t have money to get a place,” she muttered, embarrassment coloring her face. “That’s why I’m here, Laz.”
“You want to stay here?” She smiled widely as if I’d already agreed. Instantly, I began to shake my head.
“No way,” I said flatly, wondering where my forcefulness had come from. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have turned her away but that was a long time to think about what had happened between us.
My mind trapezed toward Ayla then. I couldn’t very well go after Ayla if I had Helena staying in my cabin.
I looked at the beat-up Chevy she’d arrived in, my jaw tightening.
“Someone gave you a car,” I pointed out. I half-hoped she said it was hers so that I could suggest she live in it. She shook her head.
“No,” she denied. “I borrowed it from a friend.”
“Then maybe you should stay with that friend,” I growled back. Helena’s face contorted into a scowl.
“Laz, you think I don’t know what I put you through?” she demanded, irritation filling her face. “You think I haven’t thought about it every day since I got to the hospital?”
I had no idea what went through my ex-wife’s mind. I’d spent far too many years trying to unravel that mess of knots and I was done.
Or at least I thought I was.
“Why can’t you stay with your friend?” I insisted, feeling my resolve slipping as she gazed at me with imploring eyes. What if I sent her away? Where would she go?
Not your problem, I tried to tell myself but that was a lie. It wasn’t in me to turn her away.
“He’s married,” Helena mumbled.
“So what?” I demanded and she looked away. My face flushed when I realized what she was confessing to.
“You’re having an affair with a married man.” I said flatly.
The surprises were never ending with this one.
“I thought he loved me,” Helena sighed. “I thought he was going to leave his wife. She was a patient at Peninsula too.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, El, what did you do?”
“Hey, I divorced you, didn’t I? I did the right thing.”
I didn’t even know what to make of what she was saying. It had never occurred to me that she’d filed for a divorce because there was someone else.
“I know it’s a lot to process,” Helena said quickly, backing away like she was worried I was going to explode. “Maybe I’ll give you some time.”
“Time for what?” I scoffed. “You ruined my life, Helena and now you’re trying to weasel your way back in and do it again!”
“Mental illness is not my fault,” she intoned and I was immediately ashamed. Of course I knew that but just because she was mentally ill did not mean she lacked a moral compass.
She was using her ailments as an excuse for her own shitty behavior. I knew that now.
“I have no interest in being with you, El. I came here to get away.”
“No!” Helena promised, her eyes widening. “It’s not like that at all! I just need a place to stay until I get settled. A month, two at the most. Then you can forget I ever existed.”
I ground my teeth together, wondering how I could even consider what she was asking.
And yet there I was.
“Please, Laz.”
Whatever she had done, whatever I had endured at her hand, she was still someone I had loved once upon a time. How could I kick her out?
“You have one month,” I told her, the words burning in the insides of my mouth to speak aloud. Relief lit her face.
“I’ll find something,” she promised. “I’ll be out of your hair in no time.”
I knew, even then, that I was making a huge mistake.
She eyed me shyly.
“I need to bring Gary’s truck back to Knoxville. Can you follow me?”
It was already starting.
“I guess I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” Helena giggled as if I’d told a joke but I wasn’t laughing.
I found myself wondering if I hadn’t brought this on myself when I’d brought Ayla home with me last night. Had I reopened the floodgates now, summoning all the broken women around to come to my doorstep?
But as I retreated into my cabin to find my keys, I knew that Helena and Ayla were two very different animals, even if I had initially seen some s
imilarities.
Ayla would never have the audacity to show up like this.
How I could be sure of that, I couldn’t say but I knew it inherently. Somehow, I knew her.
And you let her get away.
“We have to hurry up!” Helena called out to me. “Gary’s wife will be home in a couple hours. We need to be there and gone by then.”
I narrowed my eyes at her.
“And what if I had said no,” I asked her. “Then what would you have done?”
She didn’t answer as she climbed back into the old car and I felt a swirl of dread in my gut.
She’d never had any doubt that I would let her stay.
Ayla is nothing like Helena. Helena is manipulative, regardless of her mental issues. Ayla is just finding her way in the world.
I vowed to go to the resort in the morning and find the girl I’d let go—if only to say goodbye to her properly.
10
Ayla
Two Months Later
I sat at my desk, my brow furrowed in concentration as I peered at the numbers. Something wasn’t adding up but no matter how many times I worked them, I couldn’t get them right.
I was exhausted, my eyes burning and my head swimming. I’d had the flu or something for a week and I shouldn’t have even been working but it was easier to throw myself into work than deal with the reality I had settled into.
Damien and I were together again—six weeks was some kind of record for us but I had to admit, he’d been on his best behavior since I’d taken his plane ticket and flown home from Gatlinburg the morning after all that shit had happened with Laz.
And I’d let him back in willingly. He really was the devil I knew and when I considered how I’d almost thrown away the pseudo-security of Damien for Laz, I made myself believe that the former was a better match for me.
There were no surprises with Damien. I more or less knew where I stood, even if it wasn’t anywhere high on his list of priorities. Laz was hot and cold and hot…God, he was so hot. Why didn’t I know where I stood with him?
That night, I had waited for him to seek me out but as I’d stayed awake, looking out into the blackness of the mountain lanes, it became abundantly clear I was right—that Laz was married and I’d been some sidepiece.
Even if it didn’t feel that way then—and still doesn’t. I didn’t imagine what we had.
Did I?
I didn’t think about Laz anymore. I didn’t go on his Facebook every day and see if he’d bothered to change his relationship status from “single” to married. I didn’t wonder if his wife knew that he had this social media account and that she wasn’t a part of it. I didn’t consider that maybe, I had overreacted—again.
No, I didn’t…at least, not as much as I used to.
So many times I’d wanted to call the Ranger’s Office and demand he explain what his wife had been doing on the mountain that night but somehow I had resisted. Maybe I’d grown. Matured. Or maybe I’d just resigned to the fact that Damien was as good as it was going to get.
To make matters more interesting, I hadn’t touched my boyfriend once since I’d been back. Not that he hadn’t noticed.
“What is going on with you?” he demanded grouchily when I waved him off me yet again. “You never used to be such a prude.”
That’s a sweet thing to say to your supposed future wife, I thought but I didn’t say that aloud. We hadn’t really talked about getting married even though my dad brought it up about once a week. The pressure was on. It was only a matter of time before I was planning my own bachelorette party, I was sure.
I wonder if the Mountainside is available that weekend.
God, it was exquisite torture, wanting to contact Laz but knowing if I did, I would probably be setting myself up for a world of heartache.
Just hold onto the sweetness of that day, I told myself. But I was holding onto much more than that.
“I’m not feeling well,” I lied—at least at first. Later, it became a fact and I had to wonder if I hadn’t made myself sick but just claiming illness as an excuse not to have sex with Damien. The thought of anyone touching me after Laz made me a little nauseous. Especially since I knew how good Laz had been in comparison to Damien. In the last couple weeks, Damien had stopped making passes at me and I knew inherently that meant he had found someone else again. Not that I cared.
Why didn’t I care?
Because you can’t stop thinking about Laz, a little voice jeered at me. I ignored it.
“You look like shit,” Kennedy greeted me, entering my office unannounced. I eyed her warily. I had apologized to Gennifer for my antics over the weekend and while she had claimed to have forgiven me, Kennedy and I were somewhat of a different story.
“I feel like shit,” I agreed. “What are you doing here?”
She smile thinly.
“Is that where we are now?” she asked, a note of sadness in her tone. “I thought we were better than this, Aye.”
I chewed on the insides of my cheeks and met her gaze, contrition flooding my body. To my utter horror, tears filled my eyes simultaneously.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled jumping from my chair to throw my arms around her. “I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately. I just…”
I inhaled.
“You’ve been out of sorts for a while,” Kennedy agreed, returning my embrace and I shivered at the warmth. “I thought you were going through some metamorphosis but you’ve been a different person for months now.”
I stepped back and looked at her.
“I just don’t know how to get out of this rut I’m in,” I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t know how to be happy.”
Kennedy’s eyes narrowed and she stepped back to study my figure critically.
“Dear God, Ayla. Are you pregnant?”
The question caused me to gasp aloud, more so because I knew the answer was “yes.” I met her eyes but I didn’t know how to respond, my lower lip quivering as tears stained my cheeks.
“Okay, hey, it’s not that big a deal,” Kennedy said in her rational way. “You have money, a man, a career. You’re fine. Everything is fine.”
“No,” I muttered, wiping my face with the back of my hand. “I’m not and it’s not.”
Kennedy looked at me expectantly.
“Why? Don’t tell me Damien is being a jackass again.”
I measured my words before saying them aloud.
“Damien isn’t the baby’s father.”
Kennedy gasped and her hand flew to her mouth before a laugh of near-glee escaped her lips.
“Oh!” she giggled as I stared at her in shock. “Oh, that’s awesome!”
“AWESOME?” I echoed in disbelief. “He’s going to leave me!”
Again, the realization that I might be rid of Damien permanently did nothing but secretly please me.
But Damien was such a small part of this equation. My parents were going to have kittens when the found out that their unwed daughter was knocked up by some mountain man from Tennessee.
Again, that seemed less important than the fact that I was carrying Laz’s child. I had something growing inside me that personified the connection that Laz and I had shared.
And it excited me as much as it scared me.
“I just think it’s hilarious that Damien’s cheating ass got a taste of its own medicine.”
I took deep exception to being referred to as a cheat and said so.
“I wasn’t with him when it happened,” I snapped. “I take commitment seriously.”
Kennedy studied me with intelligent eyes, her face lighting up when she suddenly understood what I was saying.
“Gatlinburg! The day you went missing!” she shrieked and I shushed her, my face staining red.
“Yes,” I muttered. “Keep it down, please.”
“Wow,” Kennedy laughed. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t laugh but seriously, what’s the problem, Aye? You don’t even like Damien. I’ve kn
own that longer than you have. You’re a lot better off than I was when I found out I was pregnant with the twins.”
“You had Julian,” I replied sharply. “You just didn’t realize it.”
“And maybe you have…what’s this guy’s name? You never did tell us.”
I balked.
“I don’t have him,” I replied shortly. “And his name isn’t important.”
Kennedy’s eyes narrowed.
“Why are you being so secretive about him? Is he famous or something? A criminal?”
He’s too good to be put under a microscope or pigeon-holed. I don’t want to talk about Laz.
I wondered if it was because I didn’t want to pervert what we’d shared by talking about it aloud. I ignored her question and moved back toward my desk.
“No,” Kennedy said quickly. “Don’t sit down. I have reservations for us.”
“Reservations?” I echoed. “Where?”
“Brady’s and then mani/pedis at Juniper’s.”
“What’s the occasion?” I asked with some suspicion. “You haven’t talked to me much since we got back from Gatlinburg and suddenly we’re going on a girl date?”
Not that I was opposed to taking the afternoon off. It wasn’t like I was going to get any work done otherwise.
“About Gatlinburg,” Kennedy said, ambling closer to meet my eyes. “I was really hard on you.”
“No,” I sighed. “You weren’t. I was being incorrigible.”
“Maybe a little,” she agreed and smiled. “But I shouldn’t have dragged you there in the first place. I’m sorry I forced you to go.”
“I’m not,” I said and I realized I meant it. Despite knowing that Laz didn’t want me, married or not, despite being pregnant with his child, I was grateful that I had met him. He had taught me something about myself which I hadn’t known before.
You meet everyone for a reason. Sometimes that reason is to mess up your entire life.
“Anyway,” Kennedy continued. “I realized that I didn’t really want to go on that trip either. I had just wanted to spend some time with you. So here I am—offering you lunch and an afternoon at the spa.”