The Taste of Her Words

by Candace Knoebel

  I pulled him into a hug, trying not to get too emotional. He hated when I did. “You make me happy, Charlie. I don’t need to be like the other moms when I have someone as wonderful as you to focus on.” I took a small breath. “And chivalry isn’t a person. It’s an expression. You know the stories with knights who defend and protect? Who put others before themselves? Who are brave and true?”

  He nodded.

  “That’s what chivalry is. Someone who possesses and enacts those qualities.”

  “I’m chivalry, aren’t I?”

  “Chivalrous,” I corrected with a small laugh. “And yes, you are. All the best people are.”

  He put his hands on his hips and jutted his chin out, looking as if he’d just stepped off the pages of Peter Pan.

  I giggled. “Did you pack like I asked you to?”

  His chin dropped a little, eyes lowering, just like he always did when he felt guilty.

  I laughed and put my arm around him. “Come on. I’ll help you.”

  “NOW, YOU REMEMBER THE RULES of Nana’s house, right?”

  “Yes, Mom,” Charlie said from the passenger seat. He was playing a game of Words with Friends on his iPad.

  “Okay, well, let’s just go over them one more time, okay? Just to brush up.” My nerves had twisted together like unorganized cables. Nearly every exit we’d passed I thought about taking so I could turn and head back to the safety of my average, boring life. I could handle the judgment from my friends, and even Josh, but my mother…

  “We don’t touch any of Nana’s things unless told to,” I recited, internally cringing as I recalled the time I knocked one of her favorite pieces of china off a shelf in the dining room. I couldn’t sit for the rest of the day. “And we always use manners when addressing anyone. We also always wear our best to dinner with guests and use the utensils the way I taught you to.” I paused and glanced over at him. “You do remember the purpose of each fork, right?”

  “Mom…” he dragged out.

  I was losing him.

  “Right. You have an elephant’s memory. Okay. We don’t leave towels on the floor, or clothes, and our beds always have to be made.”

  I glanced over at him. He’d set his iPad down and was staring out the window, watching the blur of trees pass, not saying anything.

  “Honey?”

  He looked over at me, his eyes so bright and wide, like a mirror of my own. “Why does Nana have so many rules?”

  I looked back at the road. Tightened my grip on the steering wheel. “Well, um… Some people just need a lot of rules in life, Charlie.”

  “It’s no fun.” He looked back at his iPad.

  “It’s only two weeks. And you’ll have plenty of fun. There’s the pool and the bonfires,” I said, knowing he’d relax once we got there. “Plus, I’m sure Grandpa has tons of fun things planned for you.”

  That made him sit a little straighter.

  The iron gates to the Hale manor came into view, and my stomach tensed up. This is it, I told myself. Two weeks. That’s it. Easy-peasy. But that was a lie. Nothing about the next two weeks would be easy. It never was.

  Charlie pushed up on his seat so he could see better. Even though he acted like he didn’t care, I knew he liked coming here, and that was the reason I agreed to come back. He got freedom he rarely ever had. A chance to roam and wander and play.

  He got to be the ten-year-old boy he was at heart.

  Magnolia trees shadowed the driveway, white petals dancing in the wind, forming into tiny cyclones with the onslaught of the breeze. Rocking chairs and potted plants furnished the porch that wrapped around the house. Nothing was ever out of place. Not even the leaves on the hedges.

  “There’s Nana,” I said as she came down the steps of the colonial, two-story home once featured in a southern home magazine. She wore khaki slacks and a white, silk button-down tucked into the waist. Her golden hair was pinned and her makeup was just right. She looked closer to her late thirties than she did her fifties. Slender and put together, like a good southern woman always should be.

  Dad was right behind her, dressed in his usual khakis and argyle sweater, waving us in. His smile could light up a room. His words were even more powerful, which was why his record in the courtroom was near flawless.

  I waved to them, but Mother never waved. She stood at the base of the steps, hands folded in front of her, wearing a haughty smile that kept the same cold shape.

  I put the car in park and turned off the engine, willing my lungs to work as I stared back at the gates. At my only chance at salvation.

  Toughen up, buttercup, I coached myself, deeply inhaling. You got this.

  My legs screamed for movement, pins and needles of sleep tingling in my thighs. “I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to be out of this car. Five hours to Georgia is plenty for me.”

  Charlie didn’t answer. He was already out of the car, running to the steps to hug my mother and father. That brought a smile to my face. I didn’t have a childhood like Charlie’s. I’d had more rules than I could count on two hands. More expectations than I could ever live up to, but he’d never see that side. He’d always only know their love.

  In some twisted way, I was thankful for the childhood I had because it was the reason I chose to go to a college as far away as I could. It was the reason I chose to take chances.

  The reason I found myself in bed with the wrong man, which resulted in a godsend—Charlie.

  My mother watched me as she hugged Charlie, waiting for me to get out and show just as much excitement. But mostly, waiting to judge.

  “Andrea,” she said as I carried our suitcases over, the summer heat thick and stifling. By now, she should have started graying, but she’d never let that show. Everything about her was kept orderly and fixed, as if cosmetics could suspend the aging process.

  “Hello, Mother.” I sat them down so I could hug her. She was stiff, as if she’d been pressed with starch.

  When she pulled away, the floral scent of her perfume lingered. “For a minute, we thought you decided not to come. We expected you hours ago.” Her southern accent was thick and her disdain even thicker.

  “Give her a break, Lizzy,” my father said, his smile as sweet and smooth as warm molasses. His dark hair was combed back, eyes sparkling. “They’re probably exhausted.”

  “We stopped a couple of times to stretch our legs,” I offered as my dad took our suitcases from me. Mom made the face she always made when I said something that sounded like an excuse—pursed lips and pinched eyes, so I followed up with an apology, which seemed to do the trick.

  Following them up the stairs, I smiled as Charlie rushed past us into the house. “I don’t remember the drive being as long as it was this time around,” I said, trying to make idle conversation.

  “I keep telling you to move here, Andy. Then you can have a real job working in your father’s law firm.”

  I bit my tongue as we crossed the threshold. The house still smelled the same, like fresh linen and spring, but everything was out of place. Rearranged or replaced to fit the season. Bright red and yellow flowers filled crystal vases. The walls had been given a soft white coat of paint, the natural light radiating throughout the house.

  Even the artwork had been interchanged with summery images.

  “Andy’s doing just fine,” Dad said after shutting the front door, always coming to my defense. The one and only time I’d ever seen disappointment in his eyes was the day I told them I was pregnant and dropping out. That was a day I try not to ever think about. “Charlie’s happy and healthy, and she’s making it on her own without asking for a penny. I’d say that is far better than Josh at the moment.”

  Mother made an appalled sound, her hand touching her throat. “Josh is in the midst of finding the right job, John. He has every reason to need our financial help.”

  Dad rolled his eyes, setting my suitcase outside the door to my old room, and then Charlie’s directly across the hall from me. “Lizzy, yo
u and I both know good and well that boy doesn’t have a clue about responsibilities. The sooner you realize that, the sooner he can stop living off us and make a name for himself. Just like our Andy.”

  He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I melted into the side of him, grateful that at least one of my parents could love me through my mishaps.

  Mother shook her head and walked away, disagreeing like always.

  “How are you, kid?” he asked, smiling his wide, toothy grin.

  A yawn caught me. “Tired.”

  “I hear ya.” He pulled me into a hug. “Listen, I know you dread coming here, but your mother means well. You know she’s just a little rough around the edges.”

  I snorted. “Rough like a rusted razorblade, right?”

  He chuckled. “Take these two weeks to unwind, Andy. Really. Don’t worry about your mother and me, or what any of her friends think. Just relax, kid. Okay?” He waited for me to nod. “I have many things planned for Charlie, so you’ll have plenty of time to relax.”

  I attempted a smile. “I love you, Dad,” I said, yawning again. “And I… I think I might take you up on that offer and take a little nap.”

  His smile widened as he clapped his hands. “See! That’s what I’m talking about. Don’t worry about Charlie. I’m going to take him out to the lake to catch dinner. Just relax and enjoy yourself.”

  “Okay, Dad,” I said as I walked into my room.

  He shut the door as my eyes fell over the space. It was nothing like my old room. Mother had a designer renovate it, making it flow with the rest of the house. Large tapestries. A huge rug covered the old wooden floors. A four-poster bed. Bedside tables with crystal lamps. Even my bathroom had a marbled facelift.

  But I didn’t care.

  I wasn’t going to care. I was going to sleep until my body woke itself up, and I wasn’t going to give a damn what my mother or anyone else thought, because I deserved this nap.

  I deserved…

  5

  D E M O N S

  Carve a path so I can run,

  Run so far away from here.

  I STIRRED FROM THE RAPPING on my door.

  “Andy, dear, it’s unladylike to sleep the day away,” Mother’s muted voice crooned from the other side.

  I groaned and grabbed a pillow, covering my face. Just a little while longer. This bed, even though it wasn’t mine, was so comfortable. I wanted to soak up the quiet. The distance between me and the problems I left behind in Nashville.

  But Mother had other plans.

  The door creaked open, allowing a little bit of light in. “Andy?”

  I threw the pillow beside me and sat up, trying to smooth my hair as much as possible. “Yes, Mother?”

  She moved to the foot of the bed and stood over me, hands on her hips. “What are you doing?”

  “Well, I was sleeping. Now, I’m sitting here looking at you.”

  She huffed. “Must you always be so facetious?”

  I sighed and stood, moving past her to the luggage Dad had put by my door. “Sorry. I’m just tired.”

  She stood there, watching me as I dragged the heavy bag toward the bathroom and dropped it. I didn’t remember it being so heavy earlier, but, then again, I wasn’t forced out of the comfort of sleep when I carried it.

  “How are… how are things?” she asked a second later, still standing like a statue by the bed.

  I shrugged, digging through what I’d packed, trying to find something comfortable, yet suitable to wear.

  “I mean with Matt, dear,” she added, her voice dying off at the end.

  My muscles seized up at the mention of him. Matt the asshole. Matt the ruiner of good things. Matt the—

  “Andy?”

  “Fine, I guess.” I settled on a pair of linen pants and a flowing rose-colored shirt.

  She took a step closer, and then sat on the bed as if unsure if she should or not. “And how are things with your case?”

  “He won. There’s nothing more to say about it.” I headed into the bathroom. I hated when she pried. She always told me how I should have handled it. Or that if I wouldn’t have slept with him out of wedlock in the first place, I wouldn’t be in my predicament.

  But I wouldn’t have Charlie either, and I’d suffer through any hell just to keep him.

  “Well, you know how I feel about it all,” she said, her eyes already condemning me the way they so often had.

  I knew what that meant. I was about to get an earful.

  “Working things out with Charlie’s father would have been for the best, not only in society eyes, but also in the eyes of the Lord. But…” she said with a long, drawn-out southern sigh, “since you were so hell-bent on going against our values, the least you could have done was let your father handle the case. His team could have run Matt through the—”

  The dam inside me broke as I spun. “Mom, could you just not this time? I know I messed up. I know I’ve disappointed you. And I know I could have done more with my life. I don’t need to be reminded every single time I come here, okay?”

  She stood, her hand to her chest as her cheeks blushed. “Really, Andy, I’m just trying to have a conversation with you.”

  Fire stirred in my belly. “No, Mom, you’re trying to rub in the fact that, in your eyes, I failed. And maybe I did, but I’m doing my best, okay? Now, can I please get dressed before Dad and Charlie get back?”

  She blinked, the slight wrinkles in her forehead deepening. A small part of me noticed the way she fidgeted with her fingers as she lowered her gaze. This was just as hard for her as it was for me. We never connected. Never viewed the world through the same lens.

  I felt crappy for not sucking it up and putting on a nice face when I knew what she wanted. She wanted to remind me I should’ve handled things differently, and for me to be complacent in return.

  But I just couldn’t find it in me to do it anymore.

  I held my ground, waiting for her to leave. There was a small flash of regret in her eyes, but it was too quick to matter, because she turned and left without another word.

  Exhaling, I dragged my hands down my face, and then headed back into the bathroom. She loved me in her own way, and I knew she wanted what was best for me… but I hated always being reminded that I hadn’t lived up to her expectations.

  And Matt… how I could I tell her he made my life miserable? That he did what he could to exert control over my life?

  I couldn’t.

  After a quick shower amongst ornate tiling and golden faucets, I dressed and put a little makeup on, wanting to look somewhat presentable. It would be a small peace offering I could give my mother.

  My phone buzzed on the bedside table as I reached for a pair of earrings. Everything went numb the moment I recognized the name on the screen.

  Matt.

  It was a text. Nothing he had to say would be good. It never was.

  Where are you?

  I flinched back as my heart thundered, blood pounding in my ears. Why the hell did he need to know? Who the hell was he to ask?

  What do you need, Matt? I asked, trying not to be rude. He liked to keep our messages to use in court, so I couldn’t ever say what I truly wanted to.

  The phone buzzed back. I asked you a simple question. Answer.

  Daggers of anger sliced through my bloodstream. If you need something, let me know. Otherwise, I’ll talk to you later.

  I waited, praying he left me alone.

  Have you taken my son out of state without my permission?

  Shit.

  Matt, it’s my family’s annual event. We’re with my parents. We do this every year. You know that. If you would listen to me when I speak, then you’d remember me telling you about this trip two weeks ago. You nodded your head at me. I thought we were on solid ground.

  I hit send and held my breath as I waited for his response. As the three little dots danced in a wave on the screen, telling me he was typing. I brought my thumb to my mouth, chewing on the nail. I
’d told him three times about this trip. Not one time had he ever said a word about it not being okay.

  Then again, he’d probably done it just for this purpose.

  This had to be hell. Maybe we were already dead, and this was where the rotten ones were sent. Maybe I did something in my past life that put me here, because this couldn’t be how God intended things to be.

  You know I could call the police, right? You have no right taking him anywhere I haven’t agreed to. In fact, I don’t approve, so tell me where he is so I can come get him.

  My throat tightened as a swell of anger and disdain throbbed against my temples. I tried to type through my shaking hands, feeling like I was slowly sinking, unable to grasp onto anything solid.

  Matt, it’s my two weeks with him. This won’t affect your time. He’s safe and fine in Senoia. You know that’s where my parents live. You’ve been here before. You know he’s safe. Please, just give me a break.

  Seconds ticked by like dominoes as I waited for his reply, waiting to knock over what little control I had over my emotions.

  A break? You want me to give you a break? That’s what I’m trying to do, Andrea. I’d be more than happy to take Charlie off your hands. My lawyer sent the papers for full custody yesterday, so you should be receiving them any day now. No more games. I’m taking what’s mine.

  I tossed my phone onto the mattress, swallowing the scream that clawed at my throat. Heat welled behind my eyes as I fell back on the bed, hands curled into fists. Why had I tethered myself to a person like him? A person who wanted to suck the life out of me until there was nothing left? The only way to appease him was to bend to his will. To give in.

  But I had nothing more to give.

  Tear me apart and watch me molt into steel.