The Taste of Her Words

by Candace Knoebel

  When I got to the bathing suit I wore the night Dean and I first made love, I froze. I ran my fingers over it, remembering the way he pressed his lips to my skin, inch by inch, kissing away the pain. Filling in the gaps.

  Masochistic as it was, I moved through the pieces of clothing in order of our awakening and stopped with the dress I wore when he walked away from me for the last time.

  I buried my face into the soft cloth as the tears came swift and hard.

  Once you were mine.

  As infinite as you were finite.

  Forever, and then not at all.

  Like stars in the sky.

  “Momma?” I heard Charlie say from the doorway.

  I pulled my face away from the dress and tucked it into the drawer, trying to blink clarity into my eyes. “Yes?” I said, glad my back was to him.

  “Why are you crying?” His voice had moved closer.

  I wiped under my eyes and inhaled to clear my throat. “I was just a little sad, honey, but it’s nothing to worry about.”

  He was sitting on the edge of my bed when I turned, looking at the yellow-stained toes of his Converse.

  I sat next to him and pulled him close. “Did you have a fun time?”

  He nodded.

  “What was your favorite part?”

  He looked up at me, his eyes as bright and as blue as a perfect sky. “Seeing you smile.”

  A lump the size of Tennessee formed in my throat. I forced myself to smile even though my eyes were blurring over.

  “We’ll see Dean again, right?” he asked, digging right to my soul.

  “I hope so,” I said. “I really do.”

  A LITTLE LATER, AFTER CHARLIE was settled and asleep, I stepped out of my apartment and crossed the hall to Julia’s, a pie in hand. It was her favorite—chocolate mousse topped with whipped cream.

  We had enough time to get his clothes put up and eat some carryout while we sat on our couch watching The Weather Channel before I sent him off to bed. It was lonely when he was gone… too quiet to sit still.

  I knocked once and then stepped back, ready to see a friendly face. I felt like it had been ages since we last spoke, and there was so much to fill her in on.

  She’d have the best advice on how to deal with the situation I’d put myself in.

  She didn’t appear right away, so I knocked a little harder and stepped back again, looking down to the pie, picturing the smile she’d wear on her face when she noticed it.

  The seconds piled on. Panic flooded my chest just as the door cracked open.

  “Hello?”

  I felt my forehead crease. “Is Julia in?” I asked, going through my mental checklist of who could be visiting her.

  “Julia?” the voice said through the crack.

  Agitation mixed with fear. “Yes. Julia. The woman who lives here.”

  The person shut the door, and then opened it all the way. It was a little old man in a white T-shirt and khakis. “Are you talking about the previous tenant?”

  “Previous? Look, she was here two weeks ago, and I don’t know why you’re in her apart—”

  “She passed on,” the man said.

  His words were a bullet through my heart.

  “Excuse me, what?”

  Sympathy tilted his lips southward. “The lady who lived here died last week. A stroke was what I was told when the landlord gave me a tour of the apartment.”

  I stumbled back a step as waves of pain crashed over me. No. Not Julia. Not like this.

  “I don’t understand,” I said as a sinking feeling set in. “Why… why are you here? In her apartment. You shouldn’t… they can’t do that. Her things—”

  “From what I understand, her belongings were donated,” the old man said, holding the door close to him.

  I could tell he was getting annoyed. This wasn’t his problem, but he was trying to be polite.

  “They buried her in the cemetery nearby, I think. You can probably find information on it in the obituary.”

  “Tha-thank you,” I stuttered as he shut the door. I turned and headed toward my apartment, trying to process it all as the ground disintegrated beneath me.

  She couldn’t be gone. She was just here. She was fine. She was one of the healthiest people I knew.

  When I was behind the door, I sucked in a deep breath, hands trembling as I forced myself toward the kitchen. Slowly, I opened the refrigerator and placed the pie on the shelf, trying not to see her in every square inch I looked. It was just a mistake. It had to be.

  My hands were at my sides, feet blindly moving forward, carrying me to my room.

  Don’t break. Don’t break. Don’t break.

  Shutting my door, I slid my shoes off and crossed to my bed where I climbed in, hiding within a fort of blankets and sheets. I didn’t turn the lights on. I didn’t want to see anymore.

  I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, staring into nothingness, swiping at my tears. Recalling all the memories of the wonderful lady who lived across the hall. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Julia,” I said as my heart fought to beat, lungs gasping for air. “I’m so sorry.”

  There was no one to call for her. No one to see her off. She was all alone, and I hated myself for not being there.

  Pressing my face into my pillows, I screamed until I couldn’t breathe.

  Cried until I couldn’t see.

  Whispered her name until I fell asleep.

  MORNING CAME, AND MY EYES were raw, head pounding.

  Charlie’s laughter filled my room. I grabbed my phone and shut the alarm off. My whole body was stiff, as if I’d slept in an awkward position. All I wanted to do was curl under my covers and hide from the world. When it rained, it poured, and I didn’t want any more of the rainstorm karma was dishing out.

  I glanced at my phone and noticed twenty-one text messages from Matt. Huffing, I opened them, already knowing what was coming.

  You bitch! You swore you’d have it removed. Just who the hell do you think you are?

  What kind of mother tries to sabotage a relationship between a father and son?

  Hello?

  Ignoring me will NOT make me go away. I WILL be in contact.

  Do you think a piece of paper can stop me? You just wait.

  They went on and on, all threats. All psychotic. I opened Cami’s thread of messages and started typing:

  Hey… I don’t think I’m going to make it in today. Julia, my neighbor, passed away, and I don’t have anyone to sit for Charlie. I haven’t told him yet. I don’t want to leave him after I do.

  I stared at the words for a moment as they sank in. There was no avoiding it.

  Julia was gone. The new neighbor in 204 was solid proof of that.

  A fresh batch of tears surfaced, so I backspaced until the screen was clear. Wiping my eyes, I headed to my bathroom. Nausea swelled inside my stomach when I looked into the mirror.

  No. He couldn’t have…

  In Matt’s handwriting, the word bitch was scribbled over and over in black Sharpie. I backed out of the bathroom and noticed my closet door was cracked open. I always left it shut because I rarely ever used it except for keeping my boxes of notebooks and my cold-weather outfits.

  When I pulled the door open, my hand shot to my mouth. All my work… my words… were ripped up in my closet. There was no telling when he did it.

  I grabbed shorts and a shirt, cursing. Took pictures of everything, and then sent them to Dad before looking up the landlord’s number.

  “Hello?” he picked up.

  “Hey. This is Andrea Hale in apartment 203. I was wondering if you’d be able to change the lock to my apartment. I know this is personal, but I had to file a restraining order against my child’s father, and I think he’s been breaking in.”

  The phone was silent for a moment.

  I pulled it away and looked at it. The call was still active. After pressing it back to my ear, I said, “Hello?”

  “The lease doesn’t cover the locks. You want the
m replaced, buy them yourself.”

  The call ended.

  Because why would a landlord actually care about his tenants?

  My phone rang and I looked down, expecting to see my landlord, hoping he changed his mind, but it was Cami’s number.

  “Hey,” I said, trying to breathe through the avalanche that was my life.

  “Hey, chick. Listen, I know you just got back and your shift doesn’t start until tonight, but Eric is out with the flu and the bartender I hired the other day just quit. I hate to rush you, but do you think you could come in as soon as possible?”

  “Cami, I don’t have a—”

  “Please, Andy. I really, really need you.” The stress in her voice was a level I’d only heard when she was at her wits end. Cami always found alternatives. It was one of her talents. If she was calling me, knowing my situation, then she must have been desperate.

  I knew I should say no. I still hadn’t talked to Charlie, let alone dealt with the situation with Matt, but I couldn’t say no to Cami. She needed me as much as I needed the money. With only one hundred and seventeen dollars in my bank account, knowing I had to replace my own locks, I couldn’t go another night without putting something in my pocket.

  I let out a small sigh as an empty sort of numbness filled my chest. “Okay… just… let me try to find a sitter for Charlie.”

  “What about Julia?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and attempted to breathe. “She passed away while I was out of town.”

  “Shit,” I heard Cami say as if she pulled the phone away from her face. “Damn. Andy, I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need you. The weather is nuts, and it has pushed all the tourists into the bars and shops. It doesn’t look like it’s letting up anytime soon. We’re slammed. All I have out there is Sandra. I’m covering for Eric until you get here. If… if you can’t find someone, just bring Charlie. We can hide him in my office or something. At least until I can find someone else to cover you.”

  I felt my body sag as the hollowness in my heart swallowed me whole.

  “Okay,” I said. “I’m getting dressed now.”

  “Andy?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m really sorry. The drinks will be on me later.”

  I hung up and looked up at the ceiling. “It can’t get any worse, right? Please?” I asked the big man upstairs.

  I looked back at my phone, trying to think of a solution. With Julia in our lives, I never had to think of alternatives when it came to Charlie. She was always there, enjoying every minute she spent with him.

  I bit back the tears and scrolled through the list of names before stopping.

  Dean.

  I knew he’d help. He only lived a few hours away from me. I chewed on the corner of my lip. I didn’t want him to think I only wanted him for favors. Didn’t want to make him think anything, but he said if I ever needed him… Right then, I needed him more than ever.

  I pressed call before I had a chance to back out.

  He answered right away. “Andy? Are you okay?”

  I covered my eyes, wishing his voice didn’t affect me the way it did. Already my face was flushed and my heart was beating out of sync. “Hey, Dean. I’m sorry to bother you.”

  “You never bother me,” he said, his voice sounding so close and quiet.

  “I… uh… my neighbor died.”

  “Julia?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Andy…” The tone of his words wrapped me like a hug. “I’m so sorry.”

  I looked to my feet. “Me too,” I said through the lump that had formed. I took in a deep breath and cleared my throat, forcing my emotions down. “Listen, I know this is out of nowhere and maybe overstepping, but if you don’t have anything going on tonight, do you think you could help me with Charlie? I literally have no one at the moment, and I’m needed at work.”

  “I’d love to help,” he said.

  I took my first real breath.

  “I can head your way and sit with him until you get off if you’d like, but it’ll take me a few hours, depending on traffic.”

  I chewed on my lip as I sat on the edge of my bed. “Could you maybe pick him up from my job? I have to go now. Cami is down a person, and the weather has driven everyone inside. I can take Charlie with me and keep him in the back until you get there.”

  “Anything you need. I’m always here for you,” he said, underlying meanings dancing inside his voice.

  I inhaled and exhaled. “Thank you, Dean. You’re a lifesaver.”

  “I’ll text you when I’m headed that way.”

  We hung up, and I thanked the stars for giving me a small reprieve. And then I kicked myself because I knew seeing him again would only tangle up the nerves I’d been sorting through.

  The news was on when I headed into the living room. Charlie was sitting on the edge of the couch, eyes glued to the screen as the weatherman appeared.

  “Mom,” he said as he pointed to the screen. “Did you hear? There’s a bad storm coming in. The weatherman said it has the potential for tornadoes. We need to get supplies and warn people.”

  A small smile found my lips. “Charlie… it’s just a storm. And I’m sure most people know the warnings.”

  “When is Julia coming?”

  I stopped short when I heard her name and rubbed at my wrist. “Honey, I have to tell you something.”

  He tilted his head at me, oblivious to the world and all its misgivings.

  I took his hand in mine and held it close. “Julia passed on while we were away. She lives with the angels now.”

  Pain seared at the back of my throat and eyes as I watched him process what I said. My broken heart shattered all over again. He started to cry and I pulled him close, tucking his head against my chest as I rubbed my fingers through his hair. This was a pain unlike anything I’d ever felt. I could handle my own heart breaking, but when it was my child’s, it felt like endless drowning.

  “But I didn’t get to say goodbye,” he said in between sniffles, his body wracked with tears.

  I pulled him closer. “You can tell her any time you like. She’s all around us now.” I tried to wipe away his tears. Wishing there was something I could do to erase the hurt. “And I was thinking,” I said, lifting my tone, hoping he’d follow. “Maybe we could do something for her. Just you and me.”

  “Like what?” he said, his voice cracking. His tears slowing.

  “You know how she loved talking about the Jersey shoreline?” I asked, searching his puffy eyes.

  He nodded, blinking.

  “Well, I was thinking maybe we could make a trip and have a sort of goodbye ceremony for her. We can ride all her favorite rides, eat at the places she told us about until our bellies feel like they’re going to burst, and then we can go to the beach and write a letter to her, telling her how much we love and miss her, and send it off in a bottle. Does that sound like a good idea?”

  He nodded as a few more tears slipped from his eyes.

  “I know it hurts,” I said as I used my own pain as an anchor to keep me whole for him. “It’s going to hurt for a while. But that just means she’s still alive inside us. That just means we will keep her memory going, even if she isn’t physically with us anymore.”

  We sat together until his tears dried. And when he stood up, shoulders slouched, and said, “I’m going to get dressed now,” I nodded and let him go, watching as he carried the weight of the world on his back.

  Time was the only thing that could heal him. Time and doing everything I could to honor her memory.

  I looked up to the ceiling and prayed, “Watch over him, Julia.”

  24

  T H E S T O R M

  You stacked me up,

  Like dominoes,

  And laughed as you watched me fall.

  ONE LOOK OUT THE FRONT door to our apartment complex, and I knew we couldn’t trek to work on foot.

  The winds were ripping as the rain fell from the sky. Tears from the angels for Julia, I
thought as Charlie and I watched someone’s garbage can roll down the middle of the desolate street.

  There was no chance of staying dry.

  “I’m going to order us a ride,” I said, pulling up the app on my phone. “They’ll be here in ten minutes.”

  “I don’t think we should go out.” Charlie’s eyes were pinned to the rain-splattered glass.

  I combed my fingers through his wavy, sun-kissed auburn locks. “You’re worried about the storm?”

  His deep blue eyes found mine. “The sky doesn’t look right.”

  I brushed my hand over his cheek. “Honey, if they thought we were in trouble, they’d forecast a warning.”

  He looked back to the window as the droplets cascaded down the glass in flowing rivulets. “Not all bad things that happen come with a warning.”

  I swallowed thickly, noting the deeper layers of pain in his voice, and wished motherhood came with the ability to erase all hurts. He was too young. Julia was too good. None of this was as it should have been.

  A few minutes later, our ride pulled up to the curb. I handed Charlie his umbrella, and then opened the door as we rushed the few feet to the car. Not even an umbrella could protect us from the storm’s angry thrashings. By the time I shut the car door, Charlie and I were soaked.

  “Crazy out there, isn’t it?” an older man said from the front seat.

  “It’s insane.”

  Charlie looked out the window as I wrapped our umbrellas up.

  “I can’t believe people are actually trying to go out in this weather,” he said as he put his blinker on to pull onto the road.

  I heard the underlying judgment in his tone. “I have to work,” I said, too tired to throw sass into it.

  He pressed the gas, turning, and then we were jolted forward when he slammed on the brakes. I looked to Charlie, who was pulling the seatbelt away from his throat as the man upfront cursed under his breath.

  “Damn assholes don’t pay attention to anyone. Not a courteous bone in anyone’s body around here.”