by Ayres, Jamie
Absentmindedly, I touched the top of my sprayed hair. Tammy had styled my locks into a Mohawk by giving me three small French braids on each side of my head, then combing the Mohawk section in the middle until it reached her desired height. I was skeptical at first, but I had to admit I looked pretty tough, like someone who shouldn’t be messed with.
“Nice hair, too. You trying to impress somebody tonight?”
My head automatically snapped to Conner; I couldn’t help myself. And, boy, did he ever look like he needed a Xanax or Valium or whatever he probably took these days. His hands were fisted at his sides, and his whole body twitched, like he planned to launch himself at the “stage” any moment now. But he also looked like he fought the impulse.
Was “my” Conner in there somewhere tonight? As soon as I thought the question, his gaze shifted to me. He stared intently, like his eyes pleaded for help. Grasping on to the side table for balance, I stood and left Dave hanging midsentence, not that I knew what he had said anyway. I walked slowly, making sure my legs would work properly, still feeling a buzzed effect. All the while, Conner’s blue gaze drilled into me. I longed for X-ray vision, a chance to see past his bruised skin and into his soul to find the answers I needed. I wanted him to reach out to me, to tell me he was himself again and this would all be over now.
“Conner.” My heart pounded, and my legs shook just from being this close to him. “Are you okay?”
“Olga,” he said on a sigh. “Your hair.” He reached up, like he was going to brush a stray piece of hair away from my face the way he used to. But just before contact, he stopped himself. His whole countenance changed, and then his hand brushed the front of Nic’s blouse, A.K.A. my boobs, making me shiver. “You’re all wet. Was someone doing shots off your chest? And if so, can I be next?”
Ugh! Why does he keep acting like this?
His hand still cupped my ta-tas; he traced his fingers over the slope of my breasts.
For some reason, I just stood there, frozen. Then I heard Nate’s voice over the microphone. “Hey, get your hands off her!”
Nate jumped in front of Conner, guitar still strapped over his shoulder while Kyle and Sean kept playing. Conner shoved Nate backward, almost making him fall.
“What the hell is your problem, man?” Nate yelled.
Kyle and Sean finally took that as the cue to stop playing and got behind Nate in a heartbeat.
“My problem is you’re here, playing my songs with my band.”
“It’s not my fault your actions caused your friends to drop you.”
Conner gave a low growl, foaming at the mouth. Wait, foaming? What? Is he puking up his beer or something? Wouldn’t surprise me. That awful taste is still in my mouth.
Then, without warning, Conner threw a punch, clipping Nate’s jaw. Nate stumbled to the side, but Kyle and Sean caught him before he went down. Kyle stepped in front of Nate, waving his drumsticks in front of Conner’s face.
“Get out of my house!”
Panting, Conner circled me. “Fine, but I’m taking her with me. You took something that belonged to me. Only fair I return the favor.”
He grabbed a fistful of my Mohawk and yanked me backward against his sweaty body. What the heck? This goes beyond douche bag behavior now. This is full-out psycho!
Nate grabbed one of my arms, effectively engaging me in a game of human tug-of-war.
“Like hell you are,” Kyle yelled. “Now, are you gonna let go, or are you gonna make all three of us beat some sense back into you? Literally.”
“Conner,” I called, my head aching. “Please. You have to get a grip on yourself. You have to stop all this nonsense. Please.”
He stilled, dropping my hair and closing his eyes for a few seconds. A passive expression spread across his face as he reached for the car keys in his pocket. “Whatever. This party is lame anyway.”
He backed out of the room, staring everyone down. Even in the dark, I caught the sight of his eyes flashing black when he turned to walk out the door.
What the heck?
Nate pulled me into his arms. “Are you okay?”
His guitar whacked my stomach, and I cringed.
“Oops, sorry about that.” He set the instrument on the carpet, leaning it against the wall.
I shook my head. “I’m so glad you saw what was happening and stopped it. That was… intense.”
He chewed on his lip for a few seconds. “I always see you.”
“And hear me.”
He extended his hand, and I took it. “Come on, let’s get some fresh air.”
Nic and Tammy ran over to see if I was all right, but I batted their concerns away and let Nate lead me to the backyard where our fellow classmates gathered around the flames of a bonfire, roasting marshmallows, completely unaware of what just happened inside. Nate handed me a water bottle.
“Thanks.” I took a sip, grateful for the pure taste, no trace of alcohol whatsoever.
Nate’s concerned gaze raked all over me. “I think it’s best you stay far away from Conner from now on. We can still investigate if you want, but that guy is toxic.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat.
He leaned toward me. “So is it me, or was that vision we shared pretty close to what we experienced tonight?”
I nodded. “Yeah, but do you think the vision we had somehow influenced how we acted, like our subconscious sought to fulfill it?”
Shaking his head, he looked down at me through the thick shield of his lashes. “You seriously think that’s all there is to it?”
No. “Yes. I don’t know.” That’s all I wish there was to it.
“Why do you wish that?”
Darn it! “Because my life is already too messed up to add another complication right now.”
He moved his hand through his coffee-colored hair. “There’s only one solution. We need to meditate together again.”
“How will that solve anything?”
A pause followed. “You have to admit the vision might be our best chance at figuring out this thing between us. Maybe it’ll even help us solve Conner’s mystery. I can’t shake this feeling that all this weird stuff is connected somehow.”
He moved toward me, determination written on his face.
I placed my hand on his chest to stop him, but the feel of his hard body underneath his thin shirt caused me to rethink. His grin grew wider, and I knew he heard my thoughts. “Ugh! I can’t do this here.”
“Then where?”
Pulling my cell out of my pocket, I noted how early the hour was. Plenty of time before curfew to go somewhere else. “I don’t know. You want to go for a walk or something?”
Since neither of us had a license, it seemed like the most logical thing to do. I only wished I would’ve brought my jacket. By the fire, I was warm. Looking Nate up and down in his jeans and T-shirt, I realized how hot he looked. Hmm, maybe he could keep the cold away.
“No problem.” He smiled at me, taking my hand in his again, pulling me up.
Our bodies collided, and we both laughed.
“Hi,” I whispered, placing my free hand on his shoulder to steady myself.
“Hi.” He bent down and brushed his lips across my fingers.
Someone whistled across the bonfire at us, then shouted, “Get a room!”
The others laughed and snickered.
“Let’s go.” I dropped his hand and stomped into the house, hoping he followed me.
As I stalked past the kitchen, Tammy threw her arms around me. “Where have you been? It’s time to party!”
Cheers rang out from the crowd.
Untangling myself from her, I said, “Relax. I’ll be right back.”
Tammy sighed, long and loud. “But you’re supposed to be my date tonight!” She spied Nate behind me. “Is he the reason you’re sneaking out of here? Oh, did you guys figure out the vision thing?”
She squealed and clapped her hands together.
“You told her?” Nate eyed me with a
stern expression.
“Relax, she’s so wasted she won’t remember any of it tomorrow.” No need to tell him I informed her before she started drinking.
He smirked. “Yep, no need to tell me anything.”
Eek! I turned back around, only to bump directly into Kyle. “Do me a favor and take care of Tammy while I’m gone, okay?”
“No problem.”
Nate opened the front door for me, then stopped at Sean’s truck and retrieved a Darth Vader hoodie from the backseat. “Here you go. I heard you were cold.”
“Thanks.” I slipped on the black hooded sweatshirt.
“Which way are we heading?”
When we reached the end of the driveway, I pointed left.
“Right.”
“No, left.”
He laughed. “I know. I was just agreeing with you.”
“Oh.” I zipped up his hoodie. “So you’re a Star Wars fan, too?”
“As creepy as this may sound, a lot of things about you have rubbed off on me since we met. I watched all six movies over the summer, even read a few of those novels.”
“Cool. I don’t think that’s creepy at all. Hey, there’s a lawyer’s office in that old Victorian house.” I pointed across the street. “Since they’re closed now, we could sit on their porch swing and try the meditation thing.”
“Works for me.”
We sat down together and joined hands.
“You remember my directions from before?” he asked.
Nodding, I closed my eyes and relaxed. The cool, crisp air brushed my cheeks. Frogs croaked happily; the smell of wood smoke from the bonfire at Kyle’s house lingered in the air. This time I recited a Psalm that Mom had crocheted onto a pillow at home: “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you.”
And just like before, after a few minutes, a vision appeared.
We’re at Jumpin’ Java Coffee House off Washington Street. Nate’s standing next to me at the entrance, looking sexy in a tight blue T-shirt and a pair of baggy corduroy pants. His hair is crammed under a wool cap, a few brown strands peeking out onto his forehead. He gently places his hand on the small of my back. “I’ll get you something.” He pulls out a wallet attached to a chain from his back pocket.
I tug at my shirt collar. “Barca, you are a gift from the gods. Truly.”
He leans toward me. “A gift from God, I am. Unwrap me, you will.”
I give him a playful nudge.
Tammy appears next to us, smiling mischievously. “You two are so cute.”
Nate hands me an espresso.
The vision disappeared like smoke in the wind. Both of us jumped apart.
“I’m beginning to think these visions happened already. They feel too real to be premonitions.”
Nate shuffled his feet on the porch. “Then why can’t we remember? Do you think we’ve been reincarnated and we’re remembering a different life or something?”
“I don’t know.” As I said the words, I realized I felt old, like I had lived a lot longer than I remembered. I could almost hear my former self from a vast distance telling me to not waste a minute of life, to take nothing for granted, to love myself, believe in myself, fight for myself. Maybe I just couldn’t handle my alcohol very well.
Nate gazed at me, all the pent-up energy radiating from his body, and I knew what he wanted. “So, what do you think we should do now?”
“Maybe forget about the whole thing and head back inside. I’m not ready for this much weird,” I muttered, standing and then pausing by the porch steps.
“I think we should make plans to go to that coffee house next weekend with Tammy. We’ll see if the vision comes true again.”
Nodding, I said, “With all the other freaky things happening to me, I’m sure it will.”
After we trudged back across the street in silence, he caught my wrist. “You act like these visions are a bad thing.”
“Aren’t they?”
He took my hand and tugged me closer to him. “They’re weird, yeah, but they’re things I would like to happen.”
I scrubbed my free hand over my face. “Do you think if we purposely avoid doing the things the visions show us, then we can stop them from happening?”
Nate sighed. “Is that what you’d like to happen?”
Scraping my shoe against the concrete wall of the house, I released his hand. “I don’t know what I want.”
“Well, let me know when you figure it out.”
“I won’t have to!” I shouted.
Without a backward glance, he stomped away from me.
The hinges of the front door groaned as Nate disappeared inside, and I couldn’t help but notice that my body responded in the same way every time he left me.
“Thoughts, like water, will stay on course
if we make a place for them to go.”
—Boyd K. Packer
glanced at the clock and remembered the day: Sunday. My eyes burned with exhaustion, but tired or not, I knew I needed to attend Mass. As I stood under the scalding hot water in the only bathroom in our two-bedroom apartment, ominous questions plagued my mind as I remembered the strange dream I had had last night.
Conner, Nate, and I stood in this lobby full of labeled doors with an angel. I knew he was an angel because his wings were popped out, practically blinding me with his great beauty. He spoke to us about the meaning of our names. He told me Olga means holy and that God consecrated me for a purpose and was giving me a new beginning. He addressed Nate as Nathan and said his name meant to give and because he had given freely to me and some girl named Grace, he’d been given a second chance at life. Then the angel told Conner his name means strong willed and that God would test him to see if he really wanted God’s help.
What did it all mean? Just like the visions I shared with Nate, the dream felt like a memory. My mind whirled with tired thoughts. Maybe I wasn’t meant to figure everything out. Trying to control things hadn’t gotten me very far, had it? I was so tired and down all the time, even if I managed a good night’s sleep. Holding on too hard to stuff I needed to let go of wasn’t working for me. And too much worrying about the future was removing me from the present. No matter what secrets lay in my past or what things awaited my future, the present was the only existence I had. I had to do what was necessary right now. Nothing more, nothing less.
A knock on the door disrupted my swirling thoughts. “Olga? You have a visitor.”
The thought of it being Conner or Nate made goose bumps break out all over my body. “Okay, I’ll be right out.”
After dressing in my denim skirt and my silver top with the sequined heart in the middle, I headed out to the kitchen, following the heavenly scent of fresh coffee and the sound of my parents talking to someone, but not a boy. To my surprise, Tammy sat at the glass table with them. Same model-tan legs, stylish blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, despite the fact she must be hung over. She was dressed in a long gray tunic, a bulky belt around her waist, paired with black leggings and boots.
“What are you doing here?”
“Jeez, don’t sound too excited to see me.”
“Sorry. I just meant it’s early.” I glanced at the clock. Nine thirty a.m., a half hour until service.
“I’ve decided to start the list we talked about. Remember, the one about eighteen things I missed during my nonexistent childhood?”
I remembered the conversation we had last night after I went back inside Kyle’s house, effectively avoiding Nate the rest of the party. Tammy’s dad had been a complete drunk, and since her mom died during childbirth, Tammy spent her childhood taking care of him. She became a model at the age of thirteen just to pay the bills at home. Several of our talks this past summer revolved around her childhood of misery. So at the party, I told her she had some making up to do, and that I’d help her get in touch with her inner child during our senior year. The idea just popped into my head, and I wasn’t sure where it came from, but I thought the whole quest sounded brilliant. Not t
o mention it’d keep my mind away from You-Know-Who number one and You-Know-Who number two. Yep, wasn’t gonna think about them at all anymore. Just me and my girls from now on.
I knew I should eat something even though I wasn’t hungry, so I walked toward the kitchen counter to grab a bagel and spread on some cream cheese while I pondered what to do for Tammy today. “Sure thing, but your list will have to wait until after Mass.”
“Silly, coming to church is the first thing on my list. I’ve never been.”
With my bagel wrapped in a napkin in one hand, I turned around and smiled. “Well, what are we waiting for then? Let’s go.”
“We’ll follow you out,” Dad said, grabbing his car keys from the hook on the kitchen wall before shutting off the lights.
A minute later, a rush of affection took over as I rode with Tammy in her Lexus, listening to her sing along to the Cantankerous Monkey Squad songs on her iPod. Here was this stereotypical cheerleader who I discovered had so much more in her than meets the eye, a girl who would befriend an unpopular girl like me in her time of grief. Conner screwed her worse than me, literally. And her dad had been a hot mess these past few months. I stifled a muffled sob from thinking about all the stuff Tammy had told me about her life during our girl talks this past summer, but she still heard me.
She turned the volume down. “What’s wrong? Did you and Nate get into a fight when you stepped outside for a while last night?”
I shook my head. “No. Well, maybe. I’m not sure what it was. Not a fight, but I don’t think we ended our talk on good terms, either.”
Suddenly, I felt a million years old again; the weight of everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours made my shoulders droop. But I knew I had to play my tears like they were good ones. I couldn’t drag her down with me. Besides, what good were tears anyway? They only served as reminders of how weak I’d become. Today I refused to wallow in self-pity. Today I would do something to contribute to the greater good. I would make today about Tammy, not about my stupid problems. “I’m just laughing so hard I’m crying. You know, remembering the band’s parody of “Time of Your Life” by Green Day.”