by Ayres, Jamie
“Not really. I mean, even though logic tells me this can’t be happening, I guess faith in the supernatural tells me he can and is.”
My mind flashed to Conner, a picture of him drinking backstage during the summer and making out with that tramp. A part of me didn’t want to ask Dr. Judy about him, my logical side telling me I should focus on one mental breakdown at a time. But then again, I’d spent most of my life putting his needs above my own. Old habits die hard. Besides, putting others before yourself was what friendship was all about, right? “Hey, can post-trauma stress cause destructive behavior, too, like drinking too much and stuff?”
“Absolutely.” She gave me an understanding nod. “Are you drinking?”
I shook my head. “No, not me.”
Her mouth tightened. “Olga, your parents did the right thing by referring you to me. We all want to help you. Even if you don’t feel like you can trust me yet, trust that.”
I stared at the framed picture of Grand Haven Pier hanging behind her desk. “You think I’m lying.”
“Are you?” She pursed her lips, waiting for my response.
“No. Another patient of yours is drinking. Conner Anderson.”
My focus on the picture dissolved, a memory floating in the peripheral of my vision. In it, I stared at the same picture in a trancelike state, Dr. Judy asking me if I’d visited a gravesite yet.
Attention shifted to the present, and I looked at the woman in front of me accusingly. “But you knew that already.”
“I cannot discuss any of my patients with you.” Her voice softened. “We’re here to talk about your problems. How are you sleeping? Are you eating a healthy diet?”
I snorted. “Well, coffee is a natural diuretic, but it probably doesn’t help me in the sleep department. Look, I know you can’t discuss Conner, but you can listen to me talk about him, right?”
Whatever memory I had of Dr. Judy, she probably didn’t share it with me. It was already frightening, stepping around in this darkness, not knowing what the danger was but sensing something lurking. If I told my therapist everything, she’d probably lock me up and I’d never see the light of day again. For now, all I could do was elaborate on the facts I’d already eluded to.
Dr. Judy’s lips twitched as if she were holding back a smile. “If that’s what you want to talk about.”
Sagging against the chair, I closed my eyes. “I just think you need to know the whole story if you have any chance of helping me.”
For the next forty-five minutes, I talked mainly about Conner and a little bit about Nate, and Dr. Judy listened. Really listened. And even made some light jokes. She felt like the mom I always wanted. Even though I love my mom, I always felt like she was too self-absorbed and serious to ever take the time to really understand me.
By the time I finished, Dr. Judy’s eyes glittered with what looked liked amusement. “Let’s say for argument’s sake I believe you and don’t think you and your friends are insane at all. Why do you think this stuff is happening to the three of you?”
“No clue. If I had answers, I wouldn’t be here in the first place.”
Her gaze traveled around the office, seemingly watching something I couldn’t see. Maybe she was the crazy one. “Olga, humor me.”
Pressing my palms against my cheeks, I sighed. “God’s angry with us?”
“Why God?”
“I don’t know. Everyone’s always suggesting he’s trigger happy with lightning strikes when he’s upset with people.”
“But do you believe that about God?”
Shrugging, I admitted, “Not in the past, but lately? I’m not sure what I believe anymore.”
“Well, from what you’ve told me, it sounds like Conner behaved decently before his coma, yes?”
“Right.”
“So let’s rule out the punishment theory. And have you ever considered that Nate’s ability to read your mind is actually a gift from God?”
I gave a shaky laugh. “More like a curse. Would you want a guy around who could read your mind whenever he was within a two-mile radius?”
She shrugged. “Could have some benefits.”
“Well, I’d like it much better if I could read his mind instead. Besides, I’m sure hearing my thoughts totally sucks for Nate.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I spend a lot of time worrying about Conner.”
“But you are interested in Nate. You said you were going on a date tomorrow night.”
I shrugged. “Yes. I mean, he’s hot and nice and caring and funny. Outside of reading my mind, there’s nothing annoying about him.” Leaning forward, I posed a hypothetical question. “Do you think you can be in love with two people at once?”
She scooted her rolling chair forward. “Maybe.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, frustrated over the fact that therapists seemed to enjoy giving one-word answers and withholding their opinions. “Do you think we can have soul mates in nonromantic ways, who are our friends?”
Her lips slightly parted. “I guess you’ll have to answer that question for yourself. Do you think both Nate and Conner are your soul mates?”
Holding my breath in for a moment, I thought about her question. “I don’t know. My definition of a soul mate probably doesn’t have the same connotation as it does to lots of other people, given my faith and my recent experiences. I mean, it’s so bizarre Nate can read my thoughts. That ties him to my soul in inexplicable ways. Maybe God ordains certain attachments to our souls to help us in our lives, people he knows will love us unconditionally no matter what, who will be there with us for the long haul. Who will stand by you, even if distance separates you. That’s the kind of soul mate I want, whether romance is involved or not. Maybe that’s why I can’t forget about Conner, either, even when I want to. I don’t think it’s a coincidence I met him the first day of kindergarten. He was meant to be my best friend, and I, his. So, yeah, I do think Nate and Conner are both my soul mates in a sense.”
My statement was decisive, like I knew the fact without thinking about it.
Dr. Judy’s expression relaxed, her butterscotch hair framing her heart-shaped face. “Well, it sounds like you’re discovering the answers on your own. So, why not try to embrace this turn of events in your life? Like you said, there are no coincidences. Maybe God imparted this knowledge to Nate for a reason.”
My mouth opened and closed as I tried to keep up with my own thoughts. “So I should try to find out what that reason is? Keep meditating with him so more visions will come and try to make those visions come true?”
A look of pure horror flashed across Dr. Judy’s face. “I’m saying some things can’t be explained. I mean, do you understand how life began, the nature of time, whether there is free will or it’s all destiny? Some things are so inherently complex that they will forever elude human understanding. No philosopher, scientist, or psychologist alive today has the foggiest notion of how the mind, time, or consciousness works. It’s arrogant to suppose those things will ever be understood completely.” She spoke the next words slowly, like she wanted each syllable to sink in. “I’d say forget the past and remember how to live.”
My mouth tightened. “This just feels like something out of a movie, ya know?”
There was a moment of silence as she ran her petite fingers through her wavy hair. “But your life isn’t a movie. This is real now. And you have another chance at happiness. I want you to get out there and live passionately. Sometimes the best thing you can do is shut off your thoughts and listen to your heart instead.”
More clichés. The only thing that could make this hour complete was a “Reach For The Stars” poster with Oprah’s picture on it.
Dr. Judy slid her rolling chair back from her desk, signaling our hour was up. I stood, blood thundering in my ears as she walked me to the door.
“Thanks for the talk.”
She peered down at me, meeting my gaze. “You’re welcome. I hope I helped you in some way. M
ake an appointment with my secretary to come again in two weeks. But if you feel like you need to come in any time before then, just call the office, and I’ll squeeze you in. I don’t want you to feel like you’re all alone in this, but it sounds like you have a good support system with your friends already.”
“Except Conner.” I still had so many questions I wanted to ask her about him. “You think I should forget about trying to figure out what’s wrong with him?”
Placing her hand on my shoulder, she said, “Not at all. I apologize if I gave you that impression. I just don’t think you should spend so much of your energy focusing on his problems when you can’t control what he does or doesn’t do. The only person you can control is you.” She tucked her notebook under her arm. “Have you ever thought about inviting him to church?”
I gave a dismissive wave of my hands. “He’s never been interested in that sort of thing.”
She nodded. “Doesn’t mean you can’t ask again.”
Pushing my glasses up, I titled my head to the side. “I didn’t know a shrink could talk so much about God.”
Dr. Judy laughed, the sound angelic. “Some of my counseling is faith-based, if my patients request it. Your mom did. She said you’d be okay with that aspect.”
“Oh. Well, I’ll ask Conner, if you think church will help.”
“It’s helped you in your life, yes?” She watched me expectantly.
Crossing my arms over my abdomen, I nodded.
“Good. I’m here if you need me, Olga. Remember, listen to your heart.”
With that last piece of advice, I shuffled down the sidewalks of Grand Haven on my way to work. One good thing about having a near-perfect photographic memory was being able to recall every little word she’d said to me. Now that I looked back at our hour together, I thought the strangest thing about the experience was when she said, “This is real now.”
What the heck did that mean? And she told me to forget about the past, but I never told her my visions with Nate felt like memories. I thought again of my flashback in Dr. Judy’s office. Simply, I’d assumed she wouldn’t understand any of it. Now I had a distinctive feeling she knew a lot more than she let on.
“You should always leave loved ones with loving words.”
—Nate’s Thoughts
our jeans are way too tight on me,” I told Tammy as I stepped out of my closet after changing. She’d met me at work to drive me home and help me get ready for my date.
“Duh! That’s how Latin jeans work. Too tight means they fit just right.”
I grimaced. “Until I rip your fancy pants as soon as I try to sit down.”
She shrugged. “Perfect. All the easier for Nate to get into them later.”
I flung my hair tie at her. “Shut up! I’m only keeping this date because I promised. I don’t have many friends and don’t want to lose this one, that’s all.”
Laughing, she picked up my hair tie and placed it on my desk. “Whatever you need to tell yourself. Come sit. I’ll flatiron your hair.”
Plopping down in my swivel chair, I studied the sheer black top she let me borrow, paired with my gray cami underneath. “Ugh, look. These pants are so tight you can see fat rolls through this shirt when I sit down. I’m changing.”
Tammy held my shoulders when I tried to stand. “One, no, you’re not. Two, what fat rolls? You’re making excuses. Just shut up and rest assured there’s no way I’m letting you change. After I get done with your hair and makeup and you put on my black knee-high boots, every guy in Grand Haven will notice you tonight.”
I blew an errant strand of hair out of my eyes. “Exactly what I don’t need. I don’t even know how to pick between two hot guys. And please go easy on the makeup.”
“Relax. You barely need any. I’m just sticking to neutral tones to help highlight your beautiful face.”
I opened my mouth, stunned to hear Tammy calling me beautiful. Suddenly, another faraway memory drifted into my mind. I was dressed in black boots stretching to my knees, to where a red plaid dress I wore ended. As I sat in front of a vanity, Tammy tried to perfect my nineties grunge look.
Taking a deep breath, I hesitated, unsure if I should say something.
“What is it?” Tammy asked, parting my hair.
“It’s not just Nate I’m having visions about. I just had one about you helping me get ready for something, like we’d done this before.”
“What do you mean? We have done this before. I helped you get ready the night before Kyle’s party.”
I knew I sounded crazy, but I wanted desperately for someone else to remember what I did. Maybe if I described the vision to her, something would trigger her subconscious. But after I told her the details, nothing seemed to register on her face. Remembering the “real” comment from Dr. Judy, I realized that maybe these things only happened to me during Limbo. Limbo? Where did that come from?
“Never mind. What are you doing tonight? Going out with Kyle?”
She picked up a narrow section of hair and applied pressure, straightening my frizzy curls like a pro. “Sorta. I told him I wanted to hold off on any solo dates. I think my life list for this year should include taking a break from guys. Do you realize I’ve never really been single since I was ten?”
“For real?”
Picking up another section of hair, she nodded. “Yep. So anyway, to answer your question, I’m going with Nic, Sean, Kyle, and Conner to Jumpin’ Java tonight for a karaoke contest.”
Trembling, I told myself it was stupid to be jealous. Tammy and Conner were over before they even started, and I had a date with Nate, and she liked Kyle now, I thought. But Tammy noticed the color draining from my face.
“Olga, don’t worry,” she said, adding some more hair serum before tackling the other side of my head. “I’ll keep Conner out of trouble while you’re not there.”
I nodded, thankful she couldn’t see my wretched heart. “I know. It’s just the last vision Nate and I shared took place at that coffee house, and you were there with us.”
Now she looked paler than I did. “Oh. Then you should come after you’re done with your official date business.”
I frowned at her in the mirror. “I don’t know if hanging out with Conner while I’m on a date with Nate is the best idea.”
“Hey,” she interjected. “It’s about time someone gave him a taste of his own medicine. Besides, don’t you and Nate want to see if your vision goes down the same way in real life?”
Real life. There were those two haunting words again. “I guess. What time are you going?”
She glanced at her watch. “We’re meeting in just over an hour.”
“What time is it now?”
“Almost five, so I better hurry with this makeover. Nate should be here any minute. How long are your parents letting you stay out?”
“Same as always. Eleven.”
Tammy rolled her eyes, setting the flatiron down and picking up a compact. “Jeez, they sure do keep a tight leash, don’t they?”
I closed my eyes as she covered my lids in powder. “It’ll change to midnight when I turn eighteen next month. How late are you guys staying at Jumpin’ Java tonight?”
“Until they close at eleven. Then we were gonna maybe hang at someone’s house.”
I felt her brushing on eye shadow. “Okay. We’ll try to make it there by ten.”
She held one lid open to apply mascara. “Where’s Mr. Hottie taking you tonight anyway?”
Wrinkling my nose, I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
A few seconds later, the doorbell rang. Tammy hurriedly applied some peach-colored blush and lip balm.
“What do you think?”
I paused to examine my reflection in the mirror before bending down to slip on her boots. “I think I believe in miracles now. If you can make me look this good, then anything can happen.”
Squealing, she clapped her hands. “I know! I mean, you are pretty, but I made you look smokin’! Come on. I want t
o see Nate’s face when he sees you.”
She pulled me down the hallway, barely giving me enough time to snatch my purse off my bedpost as we left the room.
Before I could catch my breath, there stood Nate in my doorway, stealing more of my breath away. He dressed in jeans, tan suede shoes, and a gray collared T-shirt that displayed his bulging biceps. His hair was crammed underneath a black fur trooper hat, and he looked adorable, holding out a bouquet of flowers for me.
He blushed, and I realized he heard how I saw him. A beat later, he grabbed my hand and kissed it. “You look amazing. Absolutely beautiful.”
“So do you. And these flowers, they’re gorgeous!”
“I grew them at school with the Interact Club. You should join us. We garden twice a month, clean up around campus once a month—”
Tammy giggled. “You’re killing the mood here, Barca. Good thing Olga’s parents aren’t home from work yet. You can practically smell the lust in here.” She pulled out her phone. “Let’s get a picture of my favorite pair of goody two-shoes before you leave.”
Nate shrugged on his denim trucker-style jacket and tugged me to his side. I tried not to melt as Tammy said, “Say, ‘I love Olga.’” But when Nate actually obeyed and said the words, it was kind of hard not to.
“You ready, beautiful?”
I nodded. “Yep, but do we need Tammy to give us a ride somewhere? I just realized neither one of us can drive.”
He slapped his forehead, shutting my front door behind him with his other hand. “Now why didn’t I think of that?”
“You’re mocking me, aren’t you?”
“Maybe.”
After we climbed the stairs to the front of my apartment building, I spotted the four-wheel bike outside that could seat two. “So we’re roughing it tonight?”
Nate walked over to the bike and rang the bell. “Hey, I’ll have you know this is a top of the line, three-speed Surrey I rented for this occasion.”
Getting into her Lexus, Tammy laughed. “You kids have fun! And don’t worry, Olga. I applied enough hairspray that no strand will even think about curling back up. See you later.”