by Rhonda Bowen
JJ nodded. “After the last few weeks, neither am I.”
Toronto Pearson International Airport was nothing short of a chore to get out of, but they made it through the maze of floors and parking lots in good time. As soon as they got in the car and started driving, JJ put her arm on the console between their seats and rested her hand on top of his, curving her fingers into the space between his forefinger and thumb. Simon didn’t want to move, didn’t want to breathe, just wanted to keep driving, past the airport, past the hospital, past everything for as long as the gas in his tank would allow him, as long as he could keep the feel of her soft, warm skin on his.
But he couldn’t. And he hated himself for it.
It took him three exits to get past his selfishness.
He sighed. “Judith . . .”
“I know.”
He looked over at her, her head back against the headrest, her eyes closed, and hated himself a little more.
“I know,” she said again. “But can we talk about it tomorrow? Right now, can I just hold your hand and we not overthink it?”
Instead of answering, he opened his palm and threaded her fingers in his.
“You still want to go to the hospital tonight?” he asked. “Sheree will still be there tomorrow, you know.”
“I know, smarty-pants,” she said, amusement in her voice. “But I promised her I would see her tonight, and I will, if only for a few minutes. Just let me catch a nap on the way and I’ll be good.”
“Didn’t sleep on the plane?”
“Too wound up.”
“We’ll talk about that later.”
He watched her smile at his response before settling deeper into the passenger seat and turning her head to the side, into a more comfortable position. He relaxed his hold in case she wanted her hand back. She curled her fingers around his a little more without moving or opening her eyes.
The city flew by as they headed east on the 401, then down the Don Valley Parkway toward the city center. They caught the tail end of the peak-hour traffic, and though they hit some snags it was a fairly smooth commute. They made a fifteen-minute stop at the hospital, then they were on the highway again.
Seeing Sheree seemed to wake JJ up, and she chattered all the way home, interspersing her musings with directions. It was almost eight thirty when Simon pulled up to the older North Toronto dwelling. Two cars were parked in the driveway, and Simon figured that her sisters were already home.
She tried to help him with her luggage, but he wouldn’t let her, sending her to unlock the door instead.
“Woman, did you pack your whole life into these suitcases?” Simon asked as he backed into the front door.
“Not her whole life. She still has a bunch of junk left upstairs.”
Simon turned to find two of JJ’s sisters standing behind him.
“Hi, Dr. Massri. We met before. I’m JJ’s sister Sydney,” the slimmer of the two said, offering her hand. “This is Lissandra.”
The other woman, smiling, offered a nod.
“Hello, yes, nice to see you again,” Simon said, letting go of Sydney’s hand. “I’m just going to go ahead and—”
“Leave?” Sydney asked, her eyebrows raised. “No, you can’t. You have to stay and eat. JJ already started in the kitchen.”
Simon’s eyes widened. “Started? When? She just got here . . .”
“It’s what we do,” Sydney said, grabbing his arm and propelling him forward as Lissandra closed the front door.
Before he knew what was happening, he was sitting at the kitchen counter with a glassful of some mango-ginger concoction that JJ said would be the best thing he ever tasted. On the other side of the counter, JJ was cutting up vegetables and other items while Sydney rolled out dough. Lissandra was at the blender making more drinks.
They had pitas and an assortment of dips for their late evening supper. Conversation floated among the three women, and they drew Simon into the mix as if he were a regular participant at their kitchen-counter sessions. He had thought that they might interrogate him. After all, he was the Elevator Guy and he knew they knew all about him, thanks to their family network. But there was no probing, no overt or underhanded questions about what was going on between him and JJ. Maybe a secret look exchanged among them, or a sly comment dropped by Lissandra every now and then, but nothing else. Their greatest interest in him seemed to be his opinion on why men cared so little about the complexities of planning a wedding. This came primarily from Sydney, who, he learned, was engaged to be married to some former professional basketball player whose name sounded only vaguely familiar. He laughed as they ribbed each other, he tasted everything they put in front of him, and tried to stay focused on their conversation, though his eyes wanted to focus only on JJ. By the number of times his gaze locked with hers, however, he suspected it went both ways.
When he looked up and realized it was after ten, he was shocked. He stood up from the stool and the movement drew three pairs of eyes.
“You’re leaving?” JJ asked.
“It’s getting late,” Simon said, bringing his plate to the sink. “My mum always said you should leave before you’re asked to, or you won’t be asked back again.”
He turned to look at JJ. “And since I hope to be asked back, I reckon I better get out of here.”
“You’ve got nothing to worry about there,” Lissandra said with a smile. “You’ll definitely be asked back. Right, JJ?”
JJ rolled her eyes and ignored her sister. “You don’t have to go just yet.”
“You promised me you would get some rest.”
“When did I do that?” JJ asked, even as she stifled a yawn. “I don’t remember anything like that.”
Simon chuckled. “Sure you don’t.”
“JJ, why don’t you see Simon to his car while we clean up in here?” Sydney suggested. “With our porch light out, he might not be able to find his way to the sidewalk.”
“Yeah,” Lissandra said dryly. “Especially with all those bright streetlights out there.”
JJ pushed a chuckling Simon toward the door.
“Your sisters are a trip,” he said as they walked leisurely down the front steps.
“Yeah, a long, difficult trip sometimes,” JJ said wryly. “They sure took a shine to you though.”
“Excellent. That should buy me some goodwill for the future.”
The night was quiet with only the sounds of crickets and the occasional car in the distance. JJ seemed to be taking her time walking to the car, and Simon didn’t mind much. It was interesting how he had spent most of the evening by this woman’s side, and yet it still didn’t feel like enough.
“Work tomorrow?” JJ asked. They had reached the Jeep. But instead of waiting for him to open the door, she rested her back against the side of the vehicle unhurriedly. He leaned back beside her.
“I’m going to the reserve tomorrow, and then I’m off for the rest of the week.”
JJ turned to look at him, her eyebrows raised. “For the rest of the week?”
“For the rest of the week.”
She smiled and tilted her head up to the sky. “Can I come with you?”
The grin that hijacked his mouth was so wide it hurt. “If you want.”
“I want.”
He sighed. “Judith, Judith, Judith.”
She jumped up suddenly and turned to look at him. The moonlight illuminated her eyes and made him see things there that couldn’t possibly be. Feelings that couldn’t possibly exist, given how little time they had spent with each other.
Then all of a sudden he was looking at her lips. Wide, full lips that told him almost as much about what she was feeling at any given moment as her eyes did. Lips that caught his attention every time she spoke, every time she laughed. Lips that were now slightly parted. . .
He hadn’t realized he had stepped forward until he felt the pressure of her palm against his chest and saw her head tilt toward him, her eyes turn hazy, her lids slide halfway closed. The ni
ght was warm, humid, but it was the electricity that crackled between them that pricked his skin, singed his senses. This woman. This woman could easily be the end of him.
He stepped back until he felt the solid frame of the Jeep beneath his shoulder blades once more.
“I’ll pick you up around nine in the morning,” he said, barely able to choke the words through his constricted throat. “If that’s not too early.”
She stared at him for a long moment. Her eyes like hot coals of fire, burning through him. Then she took a step back and looked down, breaking their gaze.
“Nine’s fine,” she said. “I’ll be ready.”
Simon nodded. But neither of them moved. Simon would have given a month’s wages to know what she was thinking. He knew what he’d been thinking—thinking of doing—only a few moments earlier. But with JJ he could never be totally sure. The embrace at the airport, the hand on his in the car, the looks across the kitchen counter. Was he reading more into things than he should? Sure, they had spent hours talking to each other over the past few weeks, but what did that really mean? Was he just some friend for her to lean on during the whirlwind of her life, or was it something more?
He shook his head. This was way too much thinking for one night. And so he reached out and pulled her closer, folding her into his arms.
“Good night, Judith,” he murmured into her curls. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
He felt her arms slip around his torso and squeeze for a moment before they both let go.
“Good night, Simon.”
Before he could do something more dangerous, he opened the driver’s door and got in. Starting the engine, he nodded for her to go inside before he left. When he finally saw the front door close, he turned the vehicle around and headed down the road, away from JJ’s house. Before he even hit the end of the block, he was counting the hours until he would be back again.
Chapter 29
Even though she was tired when Simon left the night before, JJ found herself up and wide awake a few minutes after seven the following morning. Outside it was drizzling, the perfect weather for sleeping in. She turned over and burrowed deeper into the covers, but sleep wouldn’t find her. With a sigh she gave up, reconciling herself to the fact that there would be no more sleeping that morning.
She stared up at the play of light on her ceiling and tried to remember the last time she had been awake in her own bed at seven a.m. How long had it been—weeks? Months, maybe? Since her music career had tripled its demands on her life, she had barely gotten a full night’s rest. And when she did sleep, she often clung to those precious moments tightly, knowing that it might be a while before she had them again.
But there had been a time, recent enough for her to remember, when her early mornings were spent on her knees, or poring through the Word. It seemed like her life had become a lot more chaotic and confusing since the absence of seven a.m. appointments with her Father.
Pulling the covers aside, she slipped out of bed and into the padded slippers near the door. Then she headed to the living room and plopped down on the couch. Her sister’s Bible lay open on the coffee table where JJ had seen it the night before. It was open to Luke 15. JJ glanced over the verses, remembering its contents as she did. This was the chapter of lost things. Lost sheep, lost coins, lost people. It was the same chapter the minister had preached from the last time she was in church—the first time she had met Cymmone.
“Okay, I get it,” JJ said out loud. She was losing herself. She had suspected it for a while now. It clawed at the edges of her mind every time she had a spare moment to wonder. She was like the lost sheep in verses four to ten: far away from the pack, lost, and very aware that she was lost. But as much as she tried, she couldn’t seem to find her way back to where she was before.
“Good morning, early bird. Thought you would be asleep until 8:59.”
JJ craned her head to see her sister coming down the stairs.
“I think I would need more than a minute to get ready,” she said dryly.
“Okay, fine,” Sydney said, sinking onto the couch beside JJ. “But two hours?”
“What is this, an interrogation?” JJ asked, miffed.
“No, just miss my time with my baby sister,” Sydney said, throwing an arm around JJ and squeezing her until JJ squealed for mercy. They were both laughing when Sydney finally let go.
“Remember when we used to do this all the time?” Sydney asked, settling back onto the sofa.
“Do what?”
“Wake up early like this, talk, read that book on your lap that I suspect you haven’t looked at in a long time.”
JJ looked down at the Bible then back up at Sydney. “Isn’t it a bit early for you to be this judgmental?”
“You left your Bible here when you went on tour,” Sydney said. “The one that has all your marks and highlights in it.”
“Maybe I got a new one!”
“Did you?” Sydney challenged.
JJ sighed. “No.”
“I’m not judging you, JJ. Sorry if it felt that way.”
“No, it’s not you,” JJ said. “It’s me. I’m judging me. Feeling a little bit like a lost sheep.”
“You just got back,” Sydney said. “Give yourself some time.”
“I don’t mean like that,” JJ said. “And not just today. For a while now. Even while I was on tour.” JJ let out a long breath. “It’s like I’ve turned into someone else, and I can’t find my way back to who I was before.”
“Hmmm.”
JJ looked across at Sydney. Her sister’s eyes were closed and her head rested against the back of the sofa.
“That’s it?” JJ asked. “No I-told-you-so?”
Sydney shook her head. “The way I figure, all of us are lost in some kind of way. You’re the lost sheep, lost and knowing you’re lost but not able to find your way back. Lissandra’s like the lost coin, lost with absolutely no idea that she’s not where she’s supposed to be. And me, I guess I’m the prodigal son, still trying to find my way back home.”
JJ bit her lip. “I never thought about it like that, but I guess you’re right.”
“The one thing we have in common, though, is that God is out to find all of us, whether or not we know we’re lost and whether or not we can find our way back,” Sydney said. “He never stops looking for us; never stops trying to get us to let go of what we think is our security and come home; never stops watching the road, hoping for a glimpse of us somewhere in the distance.”
“When did you get so smart?” JJ asked.
“Right after I nearly ruined my life last year with the Sheree madness.”
They both fell into a comfortable silence.
“What’s the deal with you and Simon?” Sydney asked.
JJ chuckled. “It took you long enough. I’m surprised that you waited almost a whole twelve hours to ask.”
“Well,” Sydney said, “after your little speech about being a grown woman, I didn’t want you to feel like I was plowing through your business.”
“Sorry about that.”
“We already did the apology thing,” Sydney said. “We both said some harsh words, but that doesn’t mean some of it wasn’t true. Now back to Simon. What’s going on there?”
“I don’t know,” JJ said. “We’re friends. I guess.”
Sydney turned to look at her sister with a frown. “Okay. What does that mean?”
“It means we talk a lot on the phone, but he doesn’t want to kiss me.”
Sydney let out a laugh. “Explain, please!”
JJ covered her eyes. “I don’t know. Last night at the car, there was a moment where I thought it was going to happen, and then . . .”
“And then what?” Sydney probed.
“And then he backed away from me like I had rabies or something.”
Sydney put an arm around her sister. “Awww, J, maybe he was feeling unsure of himself.”
JJ cocked an eyebrow. “Have you seen this man? Why would anyon
e as gorgeous as he is, as accomplished as he is, ever feel unsure of himself?”
“I don’t know. That tends to happen when you have eyes for a celebrity singer who spends all day with handsome and powerful men like Deacon Hill,” Sydney said.
“First of all, I am not a celebrity singer, I am just the backup. Secondly, Simon knows nothing is going on between me and Deacon,” JJ argued.
“Yes, he might know that in his head, but he’s still a man,” Sydney said. “And he has to feel sure that you are interested before he will risk rejection at that level.”
“You know what, maybe this is all for the best anyway,” JJ said. “Look at me. I’m a mess. I don’t need to be messing with Simon and messing him up too. I feel so out of place most of the time, whereas he is so in place all the time.”
“Maybe that’s why you’re so drawn to him,” Sydney mused.
JJ sighed. “I’ve been thinking about that, the confidence he has in his faith, in who he is, in his purpose in life. He is so sure of himself, Syd, but not in an obnoxious kind of way. It’s enviable. And if that’s the reason I can’t stop thinking about him, then maybe I shouldn’t be with him. It wouldn’t be fair for me to use him like that.”
“Why would you be using him?” Sydney asked, her surprise clear from her tone. “Maybe there are things that you could learn from him, and things that he could learn from you. After all, a couple should complement each other. That’s the way God planned it.”
“Please,” JJ said. “There is nothing he could learn from me right now. I’m like the waffling palm to his sturdy oak.”
“Well, I’ll let you in on a secret,” Sydney said. “Your waffling palm is built to stand the storm. It may sway from side to side, bending and almost touching the ground. But the roots will stay firm, and its flexible strength means that it can take the pressures without breaking. Why do you think the Bible says the righteous man will flourish like a palm tree?”
JJ bit her lip as she thought about her sister’s words.
“I know you feel like you’re struggling now, baby sister,” Sydney said, laying her head on JJ’s shoulder. “But remember, we went through the tough times in our family together. Mom and Dad’s divorce, their fighting, being caught in the middle, stepdads one and two. Of all us Isaacs kids, you’ve been the most resilient. You’re our palm tree. You bend but you don’t fall down. You always end up coming back up straight. I know this time will be no different. You’ll find your way to where you’re supposed to be.”