Telling Jon how badly I had fucked up makes me embarrassed. I can't bear to see the look on his face when I tell him I had been used by Rich. No, better just to let it fade away. When I don't get the audition, we can move on from the entire mess.
"Sounds good," I say, and I smile.
Chapter Fourteen
When my phone goes off early Monday morning, I jolt awake. I was having another nightmare. The same one as always. Robbs' hands on me and the stairs raising up to meet my face. The pain in my stomach. Then the dream melts into something else. Maggie is crying somewhere. I am running through a house that just seems to grow larger and larger. Every room I check is empty. All I can hear is her crying. Her cries grow louder and louder by the time I finally find a room that has a crib in it. As I run over to check the crib, I suddenly wake up.
My phone keeps ringing. My heart is pounding as I look around my tiny bedroom, trying to catch my breath. I am dripping with sweat, as if I have actually been running. I see it is Jon. I pick it up.
"Hello?" I try to calm myself down.
"Hey, did I wake you?"
"No," I lie. "What's up?" Breathing normally now.
"I heard from the soap opera today. They decided to go with someone else for the role. I'm sorry, Jenny. I know you tried your best. But they just wanted someone with more experience."
I already knew I wasn't going to get the role but tried to sound upset. "Well, I tried my hardest. Can't win them all. I'll call you later, okay?"
I hang up, trying to still my racing heart. The nightmare was so vivid. It feels as if I was actually running around trying to find out where my daughter is. I wish Jon had waited a few extra seconds before he ended up calling me. I want to know if Maggie was in the crib.
It doesn't matter, even if she was. She isn't here anymore, Jenny. I know that. I know I'll never see or hold my daughter. She is gone from this world. The closest I can get to her will be in dreams. I will fight to see her in dreams.
I think back to what Kathy has said about living in her fear and using it to get herself through the auditions. The thought of sinking into the bad memories of my past and going through them terrify me. It is easier to run from them and pretend that they never happened. The thought of facing them head on and living through them again is too much to bear.
I slink out of bed and into the shower, scrubbing myself so raw that my skin is bright red. I allow the hot water to roll over me. I imagine the dream is rolling off of me and going down the drain where I don't have to think about it anymore.
Once I feel okay, I finish the shower and step out, thinking about the audition. I knew I wasn't going to get it after I refused to sleep with Rich for the part. But I have to stop beating myself up over it as well. I fell into Rich's trap. I got lured in by his good looks and his charm. I ended things with him because I wanted to but I am refusing to let him suck me back in again. I haven't heard from him since I told him to fuck off anyway.
"Jenny? Jenny?" Kathy calls.
I quickly wrap a towel around me and poke my head out. Kathy is standing in the kitchen, positively glowing. I know the news before she says it.
"I got the part!" she squeals.
"You did? That's amazing!" I cry. "I would hug you but?," Kathy can see I got out of the shower, my wet hair dripping water all over the floor.
Kathy laughs. "It's okay. Finish getting ready."
I duck back into the bathroom. Kathy stands outside the door and tells me about how she has just gotten the call.
"Apparently it came down to me and one other girl. But one of the casting directors didn't think she would work well with the cast, so they picked me!"
I bite my tongue as I comb out my hair. Is that the bullshit Rich has told them? I feel unnerved by the entire experience. I know Mr. Grant and the others liked how well I took direction. But the entire audition and callback was only due to Rich. Am I really talented or just a complete flop? I feel insecure. But I refuse to let any of this ruin Kathy's moment.
"That's amazing!" I cry through the door. "You must be so thrilled!"
"This steady gig means I can take a break from the infomercials I kept getting cast in not to mention those terrible B-movies. My last one was about aliens who took over beavers' bodies. I mean, really?"
"Wow that does sound terrible," I reply, finally dressed and opening the door.
Kathy laughs. "I know!" Then her face falls. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Here I am blabbing away when that means you didn't get the part."
"I'm sure Jon will call me any minute to tell me. It's fine, honestly. You deserved it more than me."
"You have talent. I feel confident that you can do it."
"Well, they will probably make a sequel to your alien beaver movie, right? I can play your sister or something," I joke.
Upon seeing I wasn't angry, Kathy relaxes and pulls me in for a hug. I am truly happy for her. She deserves the part. My phone goes off again in my bedroom.
"It's probably Jon," I say.
Kathy nods, darting off, holding her phone and getting ready to call her family about the news.
It is Jon calling. I answer.
"Jenny," His tone is odd and my grasp on the phone tightens. "Can you come down here? Right away?"
"Right now? I can see -"
"Please hurry. At my office."
He hangs up. I find myself staring at the phone in confusion. I grab my purse and tell Kathy what is going on. She insists I use her car.
"I don't need it until two this afternoon," she says to me, covering her phone as she speaks to her parents. "So just have it back by then."
I say thanks and dart out toward her car. A sick feeling has formed in my stomach. Something about Jon's tone had seemed so different than usual. What could he possibly need to see me right away for? I try to think if there is something I am missing, something in the big picture that I should make sure to discuss with him but nothing comes to mind.
Naturally I hit traffic. Any Zen I have been feeling is quickly wiped away by rage as I wish people learned how to drive. It takes what feels like ages to get to his office. I try to imagine what would make Jon sound so stressed out but I am not sure what it can be. Maybe I am reading too much into his tone. It could be that he just wants to see me about the audition. I did sound strange on the phone when he called me the first time. My mind had still been in the nightmare. Someone could take that as me freaking out and wanting to be alone.
I finally get to his office building and park the car. I try to control my breathing but I can't shake the feeling that I am going to get bad news. What else could get out of control? With a racing heart, I make my way inside of the lobby. It is almost empty. There are a few other agents housed in the same building, and I see one girl in a corner, fighting with someone on her phone.
I get into the elevator and anxiously wait till the doors open for me to step out into the waiting room of his office.
His assistant is there, pink neon nails and big hair. She smiles at me. "Oh, I'll let him know you're here."
She buzzes in the back and nods a couple of times before lowering the phone. "He'll see you now."
I nod and follow her down the hallway. She doesn't seem stressed out. Maybe this isn't a big deal at all. Wouldn't she know if it is something truly bad? I know I am grasping at straws at this point.
I can't really think of anything else as I step inside his office. Jon is at the computer, a frown on his face. My heart is racing. I want to shake whatever he has to tell me out of him.
"Jenny," he says as his assistant leaves, shutting the door behind us.
"Hey. I came as quickly as I could. What's going on? Is this about the soap opera? Because I'm fine. I'm glad that Kathy got it." I barely finish what I'm saying when Jon cuts me off.
"It isn't about the soap opera. Sit down."
"Oh. Okay." I sit down, suddenly feeling like a school kid about to get in trouble from the principal.
"I got something in the mail today."
I nod, not following what in the world Jon is talking about.
"I wish you would have told me about this."
"Told you about what?" I ask, starting to feel incredibly stupid and slightly annoyed.
Jon sighs. "Jenny, please. Don't make me say it out loud."
"I honestly don't know what the hell you are talking about." I am starting to lose my temper now.
Jon rubs his eyes and suddenly I am terrified about what he is going to tell me.
"The sex tape, Jenny. I wish you would you have told me about the sex tape."
-To be continued in Book 2-
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THE FEAR crushes me. I feel it on my chest, alive and burrowing its way inside of me. I gasp for air and spin around. Robbs lurks behind me, somewhere in the shadows. He calls my name. His throat is raw and hoarse. He calls my name again, and I scream, kicking off the ground with my heels. The world spins around me, and all I can think about is my child. I have to protect Maggie.
But Robbs comes out of the darkness. His hands are outstretched. I scream again, wildly, hoping someone will come for me. But his hands press against my back, and the world swirls in different shades of red as I connect with the stairs. I fall down them, and pain lances through me like a sharp blade.
Suddenly I stop falling. My vision goes in and out. Someone cackles over me - a sick grin twisting their face. More faces appear, laughing at me. They are clowns, I realize, as the pain makes my stomach ache brutally.
One more face appears. Robbs looms over me with a sick grin. He lets out another loud laugh and suddenly everything fades to black.
I awaken with a start, jolting upright in my bed. My fingers are wrapped up in my T-shirt, and I am panting. My entire body is covered in a cold sweat, my hair is stuck to my face. I let out a trembling breath, looking around the room in a panic, trying to remember where I am. A wild glance over at the night table shows me it is a little past three in the morning. I feel groggy and sick, as if I am going to vomit. My eyes land on chocolates on my dresser, and I remember Kathy gave them to me in an attempt to cheer me up.
Kathy. I am in Hollywood. I remember everything in quick flashing images. Moving to Hollywood to try my luck at acting. Meeting Jon and Rich and quickly becoming torn between the two of them. Jon and Kathy dating. Rich and I sleeping together. Losing out on a part in a soap opera only to find out that Kathy landed one. Jon calling me in to tell me he had received a sex tape from Robbs.
I shut my eyes tightly. I have been trying so hard to move on from my past. The terrible things that I have done to people, like Kiara and Paul. I remember how I used my pregnancy to get what I wanted out of them. I was a terrible person. Since Robbs pushed me down the stairs, I have been trying to be on the straight and narrow. Coming to terms with the fact I had suffered at the hands of an emotional and physical relationship is not easy. Yet it is even harder when that person returns to torment you.
I get out of bed, padding my way toward the bathroom. Kathy is fast asleep on the other side of our small apartment, which we've nicknamed "The Dollhouse". Her first day of shooting on the soap set is in the morning. A part of me wishes it was me who was heading to the studio, but it would have meant having to sleep with Rich for the part.
I step inside the bathroom and splash cold water on my face, trying to forget the nightmare. It is the same thing every night - the same terrible dream, a strange mix of memory and twisted horror movie imagery - that has kept me exhausted and out of sorts the past week. I look at myself in the mirror. The moon casts a shadow along the bathroom, making my features look haggard.
A week ago, Robbs returned to my life. The asshole had sent Jon a sex tape. He hadn't said anything to Jon, just sent the tape. But as soon as I looked over and saw a scene from it, briefly, in the privacy of my bedroom after Jon sent me the email, I threw up. The sight of Paul and I entangled together was too much to bear. The threat is clear - I have this tape. I can ruin you at any moment. You thought you escaped but you will always be under my thumb.
Robbs and I had been so pleased with the plan originally. It was the perfect way to set-up Paul and put Kiara in her place. I had detested her for so long. It clouded my judgement. But now that lapse in judgement was coming back to bite me in the ass, big time.
I splash more water on my face to keep a panic attack from blooming. I have been locked up in my room the past week. Finally, Kathy asked what was going on and I told her. She knows about Robbs and filling in the blanks is easier than telling Jon the entire story. How do I tell him that I slept with Paul in a scheme to get back at Kiara? Why don't you just paint Terrible Person on my head and be done with it? My feelings for Jon are so strong that if he decides not to speak to me anymore or drop me as a client, I would be heartbroken.
I turn off the faucet and sit down on the bathroom floor. The tiles are icy cold, and I draw my knees to my chest, closing my eyes. My past will forever haunt me. I could move anywhere in the world, and Robbs would be there, looming over me, a horrifying specter of my past.
I feel frozen, unsure how to plan out my next move. Rich had even called me yesterday although I can't fathom why. Last time we hung out, he told me I had to sleep with him again for a soap opera part, and I told him to fuck off. Part of me couldn't face Jon. I was unsure what to say to him or how to act around him. As my agent, he would want to discuss the tape. As a possible love interest, he would want to know more about the tape. It was a lose-lose situation.
I make my way back to bed. I tell myself I will call Rich in the morning. At least I won't have to explain anything to him. And if he is an asshole, then perhaps letting out my pent-up aggression on him might serve me well.
If you enjoyed this sample then look for Star Bright, Book 2.
Here is a preview of the first book of the series that started it all:
"ALL RIGHT, chefs, you have ninety seconds to get your food plated and presented. If your dish isn't ready, you will automatically be eliminated."
My cooking instructor, Chef Michelle Lee, walks through the room, examining our stations. My fellow cooking students and I are competing for the chance to enter another competition. The winner of today's cooking challenge will get the chance to compete for a full-time apprenticeship at Fission, one of Austin's hottest restaurants.
I'm not confident in many aspects of my life, but I know I dominate in the kitchen. I begin plating my dish just as Chef Lee approaches my station.
"Your food presents beautifully as usual, Kiara," she tells me with a smile. "If it tastes as good as it looks, you've got this in the bag," she adds with a soft whisper.
The instructors at Le Cordon Bleu College of Culinary Arts aren't supposed to show favoritism to their students, but Chef Lee keeps a soft spot for me. Along with being one of my teachers, she's also my faculty adviser, and she knows the unusual circumstances that brought me to the school.
"Time's up," she calls out to the class. "Place your finished plates on the head table."
I walk my plate to the front of the room and place it on top of the placard that holds my student ID number. My classmates follow suit? several of them glare at me after looking at my dish. I am delighted, knowing they're all both jealous and impressed I was able to execute a well-developed Cioppino within the given time frame. My rich seafood stew is accompanied by fresh sourdough loaves. I examine my classmates' dishes and feel my chances of winning are good.
"Clear away your stations," Chef Lee directs. "Chef Lawton will be here shortly to judge your plates, and I don't want any evidence of who made what on display when he arrives."
Chef Lawton is the sous chef at Fis
sion and the judge of this stage of the apprenticeship competition. I clear my station quickly and then I take a seat at the front of the room. I want to be able to see Chef Lawton's expressions as he tastes each dish.
As I sit nervously in my chair, my classmates finish clearing their stations. I can tell everyone else is just as anxious as I am? we've received plenty of critiques from our instructors but this will be the first time a professional chef from a restaurant will be tasting our food. The door of the classroom opens and a tall man wearing a black chef's jacket enters the room.
"Chef Lawton, it's so lovely to see you," Chef Lee welcomes him. "I can't tell you how excited we are to participate in this competition."
"We're excited as well," Chef Lawton replies. "We're always looking for new, innovative chefs at Fission. I'm looking forward to tasting the dishes and welcoming one of your students into the final leg of the competition. I see that all of the plates are ready. If it's all right with you, I'll get started."
"Of course," Chef Lee agrees.
I try not to hold my breath as I watch Chef Lawton sample each of the plates. I feel encouraged when he reaches mine. Instead of sampling one bite and moving on, he holds the broth in his mouth for a moment, and then tastes each type of seafood in turn. The expression on his face tells me that my stew is perfect, and I say a silent prayer I haven't been out-cooked by any of my classmates.
"First off, I'd like to say this is an impressive display," the seasoned chef begins. "Everything on this table is up to par with the level of skill and talent I expect to see from second-year students. That being said, there is a clear winner. One chef not only executed a delicious dish, but also added a few subtle, original touches that showed innovation and creativity."
Star Bright - Book 1 Page 9