“Ray,” Sela moaned.
“Yes, baby, yes.”
“Do you have protection?” she asked in a soft murmur.
“Don’t worry, I’ll take it out before I come.”
“Ray, no, we can’t take that chance.”
“Please, baby, don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.”
“No, Ray, I want to, but …”
“Please, Sela …”
“Here, you lay back and let me do the work,” Sela said.
I lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling as Sela took the position I had been in. Starting with my toes, she used her tiny tongue and licked my entire body, lingering at my sex. I gazed around the room in total shock and complete ecstasy. It felt wonderful. Sela attacked oral sex with great intensity. This was the first time she had ever done anything remotely close to this. Where did she learn this, I wondered in my enjoyment? Is this something Dewayne taught her?
“How am I doing, Ray?” Sela asked between her kisses.
“Wonderful, great …” I moaned.
When the pleasure got so that I couldn’t stand it, I pushed Sela away and rolled on top of her. As I prepared to find my way into her again, I suddenly thought of past sexual partners. No, I couldn’t risk endangering Sela. The thought caused my rock-hard erection to disappear.
“What’s the matter?” Sela asked.
“Nothing,” I lied. “Come here and just let me hold you.”
Sela climbed up and laid her face and hair against my sweaty chest.
“Are you sure you’re all right?”
“Yeah, baby, I’m sure. I mean, you’re wearing me out. I’m not as young as I used to be,” I joked.
“You might be older, but you’re certainly better. I should send Miss Julie a thank-you note.” Sela smiled.
Julie, I thought. Julian was good, but as far as I was concerned, he hadn’t taught me shit, except how to endure pain and attend law school at the same time. Had sleeping with men made me a better lover with women?
“Do you have to go home?” I asked Sela.
“I’m not married yet. Do you want me to spend the night?”
“Yeah, if you want to,” I replied.
“Let me call my parents and Dewayne and then we’ve got work to do,” Sela said.
“Okay, I need to call home too. You know my mother.” Sela took the top sheet and wrapped it around her naked body and went into the parlor to use the phone. I looked around the room and asked myself why this had happened. What was I trying to prove? A couple of nights ago I was in heat over Bo Jackson and Quinn. Tonight I was in bed with an almost married woman. I thought it was time for me to return to New York before I ruined other people’s lives as I had ruined my own. I knew that this night would not change me the way the night in my apartment with Kelvin had so many years ago. I tried to determine the difference between making love with a woman and with a man. While I had enjoyed this night of passion with Sela, I wondered if I had been too methodical in my lovemaking or if I had allowed myself to just let go as I had done so many times before with male partners. Was making love to a woman now work instead of enjoyment for me?
The morning light filled the bedroom of the suite, reminding me of so many mornings in the past when I had awakened with Sela’s head lying against my chest. I looked down at her and realized that she was still asleep. I took my hands and delicately touched her face, causing her to awaken suddenly.
“What time is it?” she asked, rubbing her eyes.
“Nine-thirty. What time do you need to get home?” I asked.
“I told you, Ray, I’m not married yet. How did you sleep?”
“Very peacefully.”
“Me too.”
“You want to order from room service?”
“Sure, breakfast in bed would be nice.”
I reached for my striped boxer shorts, which were on the floor next to the bed. After slipping them on, I headed to the parlor for the room service menu. “What do you want?” I asked Sela as I reviewed the menu.
“Surprise me,” she answered.
I ordered breakfast and climbed back into the bed, lightly kissing Sela’s lips. She took both her hands and ran them through her tousled mane and then caressed my face with her long, slender fingers. I kept kissing her and holding her close to my body. We would stop kissing and take our noses and press them together. Just when I felt my sex growing inside my boxer shorts, there was a knock on the door.
“Saved by the knock,” I groaned.
We took the hot dishes and placed them in the bed with us. I fed Sela and then she fed me. I sat on the end of the bed, sipping the steaming black coffee, and for an instant the room seemed perfectly still. After a long silence Sela looked up at me and asked, “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
“No reason. Raymond, can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” I answered nervously.
“What happened with us?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, when you went to New York, you changed. You know, I always dreamed of marrying you.”
“And I dreamed of marrying you. I just think the distance and career pressures got the best of us.”
“Is that it?”
“I think so. But I can say one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I never stopped loving you. But I want you to be happy and I’m not certain that I can give you what you deserve.”
“And what do I deserve, Mr. Tyler.”
“Someone who worships the ground you walk on. Someone who loves you more than you love him. You are an incredible woman, Sela, and Dewayne is one lucky man.”
“I think a small part of me will always love you, Raymond. I think once you decide what you want, you’ll make some young lady very happy.”
“Just a small part.” I smiled weakly.
“Hey, we better go. Who’s taking you to the airport?”
“My entire family, I think. You don’t want to take me, do you?”
“I think we should stop while we’re ahead. Give me your address so that I can at least send you a wedding invitation.”
“What if I show up?”
“You can, but please don’t cause a scene,” Sela quipped.
As we walked out the door of the hotel suite, I suddenly took Sela’s face between my hands and kissed her very softly. There was a look of doubt in her warm eyes and I knew we had left many questions unanswered. But we both had to go on. The time we had spent together would always be special to me and I would never forget her. I pulled her close to me and kissed her one last time, closing my eyes. As I kissed Sela … everything was … as it had always been … the same, and yet it was so very different.
Six
It was decided that my father would take me to the airport alone. Mama said he had something he wanted to talk to me about. What did he want to talk about? After packing my bags and taking a last look around my room, I went to the garage, where Mama and Kirby were standing, braving the cool winter air. Mama had tears in her eyes and Kirby was pleading with her to let him ride to the airport with Pops and me.
“Now, you call as soon as you get back safe,” Mama pleaded.
“I will. You be a good boy for Mama and Pops,” I said to Kirby as I palmed his small close-shaven head.
“When can I come stay with you, Ray-Ray?” Kirby asked.
“Real soon, maybe this summer.” Pops came out of the sliding glass door all bundled up in my old high school football jacket and his favorite brown hat.
“You ready to go, chief?” he asked me.
“Ready when you are,” I responded. Now the tears were coming fast from Mama’s eyes and Kirby was holding on to her legs.
“Come on now, Ma, stop crying. I’ll be back sooner than you think,” I assured her.
“Go on, get in the car,” she said as she wiped her tears into her face.
“I love you, Ma.”
“I love you too, baby. Take care and d
on’t forget to pray,” she said.
“Hey, buddy, take care of Mama and Pops for me,” I said playfully, swinging Kirby up in the air.
“I will,” he said. As we started for the airport, Pops wasn’t that talkative. He just changed the channels on the car radio. When we were almost halfway to the airport, he turned the radio down very low and looked over at me.
“You know your mother turns fifty in May,” he said.
“Yeah, that’s right.”
“Well, I’m planning a surprise party for her and I want you to come back home. Maybe you can bring a friend with you,” he said.
“Oh, that will be great. Sure, I’ll come back.”
“Well, once my secretary and I get all the plans down, I’ll have her give you a call and you can let her know who you’re bringing,” he said.
“Why don’t you call me, Pops?” I asked.
“Well, I guess I can do that,” he said reluctantly.
“Does it matter who I bring, Pops?”
“No, not really. Who are you thinking about? Some new lady you met? You know, Sela might not like that,” he joked.
“No, Pops, Sela’s cool. Actually I was thinking about Kyle and JJ. Neither one of them has been down South. I think they would enjoy it and it would certainly surprise Mama. You remember Kyle and JJ, don’t you, Pops?”
My father didn’t respond. He turned and looked at me very soberly. Then he reached to turn up the radio and put his foot harder on the gas pedal. I looked out the window at the cars passing us and the skyline of the city. I suddenly longed for the Manhattan skyline.
“Is that all you wanted to talk to me about, Pops?” I asked.
At first my father said nothing. I just looked at him, waiting on a response. When I looked away, I saw that we were approaching the airport terminal.
“What airline?” he asked abruptly.
“American.”
Once we reached the American terminal, Pops got out to unlock the trunk of his late-model Mercedes. I reached in and grabbed my luggage and set it on the pavement. I reached for my father’s hand and he hesitantly extended his.
“I’ve had a great time, Pops.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Pops, are you sure you don’t have something else you wanted to talk to me about?”
As he clasped my hand, my father’s eyes looked intense, as though something were aching to get out. His eyes appeared as though they had turned emerald green. They seemed to have tiny drops of moisture surrounding them.
“Raymond junior,” my father said very sternly.
“Yes, Pops?”
“Your mother”—he paused and we stared at each other—“your mother and I didn’t raise you to be no sissy.” I looked straight into my father’s eyes and fought back the tears that were beginning to form in mine. I forced myself not to drop my eyes.
“I know that, Pops. I know that.” Without even a hug or a good-bye, I gathered my luggage and headed through the automatic doors that led me to the airplane that would take me away from this town and my father. As I walked through the terminal, I became oblivious to all the people rushing around me. I was concentrating on keeping the tears in my eyes in place. I could not let them roll down my face. Inside I felt a great bitterness at my father’s statement. If I felt this way, then how did my father feel? Somehow I managed to find my departure gate and get on the plane, still very much unaware of what was going on around me. The next thing I remember, the flight attendant was asking me if I wanted something to drink.
“Yes, a double vodka gimlet,” I said, coming out of my self-induced trance.
“Rough day?” the blond flight attendant asked me.
“You don’t know the half of it … I’ve had a rough life,” I responded soberly.
Seven
It was a cold gray day in New York. The weather mirrored the way I felt: half snow, half slush. Only in my case I was sloshed after a three-hour flight of vodka gimlets. I quickly grabbed my luggage and got a taxi to my apartment.
I had never been so happy to be in New York with all its traffic and people. Once I reached my apartment, I quickly ran to my answering machine to check my messages. There were three new messages from Quinn, the last two sounding quite urgent, but still no number where I could reach him. To my surprise, there was also a message from Candance, asking me to call her about an extra ticket she had to a Stephanie Mills concert on New Year’s Eve.
Stephanie Mills was one of my favorite singers, but I didn’t know if I wanted to spend my New Year’s Eve with her and Candance. But maybe Kelvin would be there.
As I was rewinding my answering machine and removing my clothes to take a much-needed shower, I noticed a gold ring on the black-and-red oriental throw rug that lay beside my bed. I picked it up and examined it closely. It wasn’t mine; besides, it looked like a man’s wedding band. Where did it come from? Suddenly I put two and two together: Quinn and all the urgent messages. The ring had to belong to Quinn. Was this a ring from a lover or from a wife? I laid the ring on the nightstand and just looked at it. What else could happen before this year was over?
The shower, along with an Alka-Seltzer, cleared my head. I put on my robe and sat on my bed looking around the room. What was I going to do? What if Quinn was married or had a lover? That made him a liar. Lord knows that I ran across enough liars in gay bars. I always told Kyle that anybody you met in a gay bar usually wasn’t worth shit. Was Quinn trying to prove my point? Why didn’t he call back now that I was home?
The longer I sat on my bed, the madder I got. First Pops, and now this. I needed another drink. No, that would just make me more emotional. Shit, it was the holidays and I needed it. I went into the living room to see what I had in my bar when the phone rang.
“Hello,” I said.
“Happy Holidays,” the pleasant female voice said.
“Thank you. Who am I speaking with?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Ray. This is Candance, Kelvin’s fiancée.”
“Oh, Candance. I got your message and I was going to call you. I just got back from home a couple of hours ago.”
“How was your trip?” she asked.
“Great,” I lied.
“Well, Kelvin and I have an extra ticket to the Stephanie Mills concert at the Broadway Theater. Are you available?”
“Oh, Stephanie Mills, she’s one of my favorites.”
“Yeah, Kelvin mentioned that. I have a good girlfriend who’s in Dreamgirls and she got us tickets.”
“How soon do you need to know?” I asked.
“Well, as soon as you can let me know. The show starts at eight and we are supposed to meet Nicole for drinks at B. Smith’s before the concert.”
“Nicole?”
“Yes, Nicole Springer, that’s my girlfriend. I think you might enjoy meeting her.”
“Well, give me an hour and I’ll get back to you. Let me make sure I have your number.”
“Here, let me give it to you. It’s 857-5258.”
“857-5258. Got it.”
“Okay, we’ll wait to hear from you. Good-bye.”
“Good-bye. Tell Kelvin hello.”
“I sure will.”
As I pondered whether or not to go to the concert, my phone rang again.
“Ray.”
“Quinn.”
“When did you get back?”
“A couple of hours ago.”
“How was your trip?” Quinn asked.
“Cut the crap, Quinn. What’s with all the fuckin’ messages and no number?”
“I lost something and I think it might be in your apartment.”
“Is it a gold wedding band?”
“Yes. Did you find it?”
“So it is a wedding band.”
“Let me explain, Ray. Can I come by in a couple of hours?”
“I’m sorry, Quinn, but I have a date. Call me tomorrow,” I said in an unsympathetic tone.
“But, Ray, we need to talk,” Quinn pleaded.
&nbs
p; “Yes, we do, but not tonight. Call me tomorrow.” Click.
Well, that settled it. I was going to the concert. I called Candance and agreed to meet them at B. Smith’s at seven-thirty. I looked through my closet to find something to wear. I put on a Phyllis Hyman CD, which I usually did when I was depressed, and pressed my black tux pants. All the years I had known Kelvin, this would be the first New Year’s Eve we would spend together. But it wouldn’t be like old times.
I got the impression that Candance might be trying to play matchmaker with this Nicole lady. That’s all I needed to further confuse my life. I wished Kyle had been here. He always knew of some hot gay party and that might be just what the doctor ordered.
B. Smith’s was a wonderful bar and restaurant in midtown, near all the theaters. It was a bright, open, spacious place with an elegant bar and magnificent African art on the walls. The décor was suggestive of opulence and sophistication, but not blatantly so. It was a frequent gathering place for New York’s buppies, especially on Friday evenings. I had been there a couple of times with the other black lawyer from my office, Brayton Thompson. Sometimes we took clients there for lunch.
As I came through the door, I saw Kelvin and Candance at the bar, holding hands and kissing like newlyweds. Oh, this is going to be fun, I thought to myself. Kelvin spotted me and had a strange look on his face as I walked toward the two of them.
“Well, we meet again,” I said, extending my hand toward Kelvin.
“Ray, glad you could make it,” Kelvin said.
“Yes, we sure are,” Candance said as I kissed her lightly on her cheek.
“What are you drinking, Ray?” Kelvin asked me.
“Club soda with a twist of lime.”
“Is that all?”
“Yes.”
“So, Ray, how were your holidays?” Candance inquired.
“Great, but I’m glad to be back in New York.”
“We leave for Washington tomorrow, but I will be back several times before the wedding,” she added.
As the three of us sipped our drinks, we chatted about the upcoming year and the concert. I had never seen Stephanie Mills in concert, so I was beginning to get excited. I occasionally glanced out of the huge window that faced Eighth Avenue and noticed that a light rain had begun to fall. While looking out of the window, I saw an attractive lady in a beautiful mink coat get out of a taxi.
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