Sixteen
It’s interesting what roses do to women. I sent Nicole one hundred red roses the following day with a card saying a rose for each day she had made me smile inside. My being a jerk for the last couple of days was quickly forgiven. I debated all morning on what to say to Quinn about us cooling our relationship. As I came closer to making a decision about giving up the life for good, I wondered if it was at all possible. Maybe being gay was like being an alcoholic. That with willpower and a little counseling you could just stop, that you would still be gay but just choose not to practice. Nicole and her strong religious beliefs came to mind. Did prayer change things? Whenever I was worried about something, she would simply say, “Let go, let God.”
I sometimes prayed for a pill I could take to destroy my homosexual feelings. I would have taken it in a heartbeat. When I went to church with Nicole, I listened intently for answers to my questions. I wondered what you had to feel in order to be saved. Were you saved from everything?
I joined church and was baptized when I was twelve years old. It was not because I felt anything different, but because it was time. Like going to junior high when you finished the sixth grade. I accepted Christ during Vacation Bible School, partly because all my friends did. I remembered how proud my mom and pops had been the day I was baptized. I wondered why Christians just couldn’t understand that Christ sent about ten percent of us down the chute just to confuse things. Maybe He had a plan yet to be revealed. That maybe we were the chosen ones. With Nicole I learned how to let go with my faith, no longer being intellectual about religion. I believed that Christ loved me no matter what. That there were no degrees of sin and I would be judged according to my heart.
The things that I would miss about the gay lifestyle were few. If I were going to give it up, the thing that I treasured the most about being gay was still intact, my friendship with Kyle. My sensibilities as a man who respected women and my ability to feel and be sensitive were characteristics I attributed to my gayness. I wouldn’t miss the bars or the viciousness of the kids.
I understood that being vicious was just another defense. It was no accident that the most obviously gay men were the ones most vicious and with the quickest wit. Many times I felt sorry for those who couldn’t pass. The majority didn’t seemed to mind a bit. Many lived with the additional stigma the bulk of their life. They would read you before you got a chance to comment on their appearance. It didn’t matter if you were gay or straight. Nothing and no one were spared their tart tongues.
Grady buzzed to tell me that Quinn and two little ones were waiting for me in the lobby. Little ones, I thought, what can Grady be talking about? When I arrived in the lobby, there stood Quinn with his two children, Baldwin and Maya. Quinn was holding Maya in his arms and Baldwin was standing and holding Quinn’s legs. This was the first time that I had come in contact with any other part of Quinn’s life.
“I’m sorry. I have to drop them off at my sister-in-law’s up in Harlem,” Quinn explained.
“No problem. This must be Baldwin,” I said, reaching for Quinn’s son. “And Maya. What a beautiful little lady.”
They were both beautiful. It looked as though Quinn had spit them out. There was no denying that these were his children.
“Say hello to Uncle Ray,” Quinn chided the two little ones.
As the two gave me shy greetings, I looked at Quinn with a double look … Uncle Ray. What was that about? As we rode uptown, I felt like an interloper in Quinn’s world. He was quite the doting father, talking with Maya and Baldwin as though I weren’t there. A part of me respected that and another side of me begrudged him. After dropping Baldwin and Maya off, we drove to the Tower Video store, where we picked up a couple of videos, and stopped to grab a bite to eat at the Saloon. When we had finished eating, I stood at the cashier’s stand while Quinn paid the check. On the way out I heard someone call out my name. When I turned, I saw it was Basil. He was on his way into the restaurant with an attractive blue-eyed blonde who looked like a Playboy centerfold. We exchanged hellos and I introduced the two of them to Quinn. Quinn was polite but reserved. After a few minutes of nervous conversation, I told Basil it was good seeing him and nice meeting his lady friend, Elesa. As we were leaving, Basil said, “I’m still waiting on that call, Mr. Tyler.”
“Yeah, real soon, Basil,” I replied.
As we walked toward the car, Quinn asked in an annoyed tone, “What was that about?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Come on, Ray. I didn’t know you knew Basil Henderson.”
“Well, I really don’t. I told you he was Kyle’s friend.”
“Well, he seemed to know you pretty well.”
“We did have drinks once.”
“Is that all … and why didn’t you mention it to me?”
“Quinn, come on now. It was just drinks. Besides, I do have a life the rest of the week.”
“Point well taken, Mr. Tyler,” Quinn said in a huff.
Quinn didn’t utter a word as we drove up Columbus Avenue and back to my apartment. I had never seen him behave like this. Was he jealous? The thought made me smile. When we reached my apartment, Quinn went directly into my bedroom. I grabbed a couple of beers and walked into the bedroom, where Quinn undressed in silence.
“Quinn, we need to talk,” I said.
“About what?”
“About this relationship,” I responded.
“What, Raymond, are you seeing someone?” Quinn asked.
“You know I’ve been going out with Nicole. It’s getting serious.”
“And?”
“Well, I’m thinking about telling her the truth. I’m trying to go back to the other side exclusively.”
“Are you crazy?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Why bring that grief on yourself? Are you trying to give me an ultimatum?”
“An ultimatum?”
“Well, I know you haven’t been happy with our situation lately. But you know how I feel about you, Ray.”
“No, I don’t know, Quinn. Just look at you. We don’t talk at all and you come in here and undress. It’s like saying, ‘Okay, let’s fuck, so I can get home to my wife and kids.’ How do you think that makes me feel?”
“Raymond, it’s not like that. It’s just that I thought this was what you wanted.”
“No, Quinn. I want somebody in my life twenty-four seven.”
Quinn rubbed his face and looked out the window. The silence of the next few minutes seemed like days. Had we finally come to the end of the road? He sat motionless on the bed in yellow silk briefs, pressing his knee into his chest. His eyes appeared bottomless. I walked over to the bed and sat next to Quinn. He took my hand and pulled it to his chest. “What are you saying, Raymond? What do you want me to say? That I love you? Well, I do.”
“That’s not it, Quinn. I think I’m in love with Nicole and I want to be fair to the both of you.”
“And how long do you think that’s going to last?”
“At least as long as your marriage,” I snapped defensively.
“Oh, fuck this shit,” Quinn said as he raised his voice in anger and leaped from the bed.
“Is that how you want to handle this, Quinn? Just fuck it?”
Quinn turned toward me with a look of rage in his eyes. I had not seen this side of him. His body appeared to be trembling and tears were welling up in his eyes.
“Why do we have to stop seeing each other? Do you want me to leave my wife and kids? Do you want me to move here and be with you twenty-four hours a day? I don’t think this is about Nicole. I think this is about Basil or some other nigger!” Quinn shouted.
“Quinn, if I keep making room for you in my life, then I’m bound to fall in love with you. I can’t do that to myself. I can’t do it to those two beautiful kids.”
Quinn broke into a nervous laughter. “So you’re doing this for my kids. What about me and what we mean to each other? There are times when I
want you, Raymond, as badly as I want my next breath.”
There was a certain power in Quinn’s voice and in his face. As Quinn suddenly started to get dressed, with his jeans halfway up, he sat back on the bed and began to sob softly. I stopped my search for my T-shirt and pulled him against my chest and massaged the nape of his neck as his tears fell onto my naked shoulders. I had a sudden impulse to retract my previous words and tell him that everything was going to be all right, but in my heart I knew better.
“Quinn, let’s just take some time and rethink this situation. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t risk getting hurt myself,” I pleaded. “This is wrong for the both of us.”
“What? Being gay?”
“Not that. Quinn, you’re married. Maybe it could be different if the facts were different.”
Quinn looked straight ahead in silence. His body felt rigid and hard. He gently removed himself from my embrace and finished dressing and walked into the living room. My body became sick with fear that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I joined Quinn in the living room, where he was standing, just looking around the room in a daze. He walked toward me with a blank look on his face. He gently touched my face and kissed my lips with such power that the force staggered me. His eyes were now dry but slightly pink.
Quinn looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You want the facts. The facts are that you may be throwing away the best thing that ever happened to you. Your desire for me and other men isn’t going away because you think you’re in love with some woman. I know because I live that lie every day. With the exception of the Saturdays I’m with you. What we have is the closest thing to real love that either one of us can ever dream of. I won’t let you throw it away, Raymond,” Quinn said in hurried sentences.
Quinn gave me a last kiss and embrace and headed out my door without another word or allowing me to say more. I walked to the doorway and Quinn stared at me, then turned away and headed down the long hallway, home. I felt the tears falling from my eyes when I let myself acknowledge my real feelings for Quinn. Perhaps I was going to lose his love because I had not, in the end, believed in it enough. But what kind of life would a weekends-only relationship offer me? Why double the sin? I must admit that Quinn’s and my tidal wave of emotions surprised me. I guess I knew that he did in fact love me, but was that love enough?
Maybe I was giving him an ultimatum. What if Quinn hadn’t been married with two children? What if we were just two single gay men? Would our relationship have stood a better chance of surviving? I knew one thing: with Quinn I felt safe. I could talk about work, sports and things that even Kyle didn’t understand. It was a friendship similar to those with my fraternity brothers, but with sex. Torrid sex. Plus an undying devotion to each other and the ability to share a tenderness rare in both men and women. I was pushing Quinn away because I was afraid to love another man that deeply. I think when two men like Quinn and myself meet, there is a fear of losing one’s self. Although we didn’t play roles, it was apparent that we both were used to being in charge. In previous relationships with men, I had always held back, never giving myself totally. AIDS had a lot to do with that, but in many ways it became a man thing with me. I used to listen to Kyle talk about the total rapture he felt when he gave himself to another man. He would describe it like a woman talking about multiple orgasms. It sounded like a dangerous addiction that I could live without. I remember meeting a super-macho guy who supposedly had been turned out in prison. The next time Kyle and I saw him, Kyle remarked that he looked like “a queen without a country.”
Maybe Quinn touched buttons within me that I didn’t want to acknowledge or believe existed. I had to get out now!
Seventeen
Dreaming old dreams. When I was a senior in high school, I was elected president of the student body. Now, in Alabama this was no small feat, especially since I walloped the most popular white boy in the school eight-six percent to fourteen percent. I was the first black to win such an office at a predominantly white high school. I then dreamed of being the first black congressman from the state of Alabama. It was a dream I actively pursued until that Friday in October some years later. When I gave in to my sexuality, I gave up on my political career. I didn’t resent it until I saw openly gay white congressmen being reelected by overwhelming majorities after coming out.
Leaders in the black community would have had you believe that you couldn’t be a service to the community and gay too. They viewed black homosexuals as freaks of nature and felt their career options should be limited to hairdressers and interior decorators. I wondered how many leaders the black community had lost because certain men felt that their sexuality made them incapable of leading. It was ridiculous—maybe we shouldn’t elect black men who beat their women. Or even black men who indulge in oral sex. Maybe we should just have stayed out of bedrooms we weren’t invited into.
I was now thinking that if I married Nicole we could move back to Birmingham and I could pursue that dream. But what would happen if one of my one-night stands resurfaced? What about Kelvin, Julian or Quinn? Maybe I would open my press conference by announcing my former lifestyle and by explaining how the love of a beautiful black woman and former runner-up to Miss America had changed my life. The press would love it … but would the black community? Maybe they wouldn’t care if I didn’t beat them over the head with it. You heard rumors all the time about prominent politicians who were gay but kept it hush-hush. In most cases they were usually married with families. Sooner or later you heard some drunk queen in a bar talking about having been with someone before that person became well known. Maybe I should just concern myself with making the big bucks and forget about helping my people.
Janelle, as she now preferred to be called, and I met for brunch on Sunday. I wanted to find out what was happening with her and to update her on Kyle. We decided to meet at Tuesday’s West on Columbus Avenue. It was a favorite of the gang because of the unlimited champagne brunch and super omelettes. JJ looked as though she had lost some weight and she was wearing more makeup than usual. We both passed on the champagne and ordered coffee with our western omelettes instead. We talked about how proud we were of Kyle and how much we missed him. I told her how happy she looked and she broke out into a boisterous laugh, saying, “That’s what a stiff dick with a good man on the opposite end can do.”
I told her about my last meeting with Quinn and my decision to come clean with Nicole.
“Are you sure that’s what you want to do, Ray? I mean, it’s admirable, but Nicole strikes me as a true BAP. She might not be able to handle it. Trust me, you’ll live to regret it,” JJ lamented.
“Nicole’s not a BAP. How could she be? She’s from a small town in Arkansas,” I defended.
“Well all those divas she works with have been rubbing off. And I still don’t understand why you have to tell her everything now.”
“How would you feel if Bernard wasn’t completely honest with you?”
“You know what, I don’t expect him to be. I know how men are.”
“I just want to start out right. I mean, I could marry this girl.”
“But why, Ray? Are you being true to yourself? I know you don’t like to admit it, but Quinn makes you happy.”
“So does Nicole.”
“But you haven’t even had sex with her.”
“How do you know that?”
“Trust me, you would have said something.”
“But I am sexually attracted to her.”
“That’s because she’s an unattainable beauty queen. The movie star type. How are you going to feel when she grows old or when you see another fine man like Quinn or that Steve-Basil guy?”
“You don’t understand, JJ—I mean Janelle. Nicole does things for me that no person has ever done. She makes me feel like I could run the world if I wanted to. I’m tired of worrying if somebody is really faithful. I want somebody who may love me more than I love them.”
“But is that fair to Nicole or are
you being selfish?”
“JJ, with Nicole I think I could give up the life. I like her as a person. I want to take care of her. I want to grow old with her.”
“Are you sure you’re not doing this for your parents?”
“No,” I said sternly.
“So you’re not gay anymore?”
“You know that I’m not totally gay. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about when we met?”
“No, I haven’t. But that’s not what I’m asking.”
“JJ, I’ll always have desires for men. But I’ll just suppress them.”
“For how long?”
“As long as I’m in love with Nicole.”
“Well, baby, you know I wish you well. What I think you should have done is made Quinn yours completely. I’m not certain I believe totally in this bisexual thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t play dumb with me. What you two had was special. I think you’re afraid to really be happy. I think that if you didn’t worry so much about what people thought, you might never go to bed with another woman. That part of your life would no longer be invisible. But what do I know, I’m a fag hag,” she laughed.
“Invisible?”
“Yeah, invisible. Think about it. Your life with Quinn was basically invisible to everyone but the two of you. A part of Quinn’s life is invisible to his family, especially his wife. You know Kyle may be a bit deranged, but it’s all out there for the world to see.”
“Invisible,” I said out loud.
My conversation and brunch with JJ gave me a lot to think about. I treasured her comments, but only I knew how I felt inside. Nicole made me feel like I had butterflies in my stomach. When I was with her, I didn’t think about men. I was not going to give up on the dream of being totally happy with just one person, one woman, no matter what JJ thought. Another man would never be able to give me that. That part of my life would just have to remain invisible.
Invisible Life Page 18