“This is the best Christmas present ever.” I hug into him, something that I rarely do now that I’m a teenage girl.
And it is. We spend almost the entire morning sledding down the dunes, using our surf boards as sleds or just breaking out into random snow ball fights.
When I think of my best Christmas ever, I think of that one. The one where it snowed and we didn’t sit in the house unwrapping presents.
And now, I have one more to add to it. Because Joel and my dad might not have been here, but I would never forget the look on Jaclyn and Mickey’s faces when Carson and I told them they were going to be grandparents.
Sure, there was a taste of bitterness that my family was no longer here; that they would never get to meet my child. But I knew that every Christmas from here on out would be different, special.
I would get to teach my child all of the traditions my dad taught us, and once more, there would be that significant kind of magic that only this holiday could bring.
36
Carson
People might assume that North Carolina is warm all year round, but they’d be wrong.
In the winter, we get low temperatures just like the rest of the East Coast, even if it is a bit more mild. We can even get some snow flurries from time to time, but mostly it’s just chilly and windy due to the gusts coming off of the Atlantic.
So when it finally gets warm, us beach people wander out of our hibernation and spend as much time on the sand as humanly possible.
“God, I missed it being warm.” Blake holds her hands out to the sides, her dress ruffling in the warm night breeze as it flutters around her large belly.
She looks like a goddess, like Mother Earth or some fictional character.
“We are just summer people, living for this weather.” I catch one of her hands, lacing my fingers through hers and enjoying the familiarity of our connected hands.
It was her idea to take a night time walk, something I was a little wary of as she was seven months pregnant. But, what Blake wanted, Blake got … at least when it came to me. I had to admit, it was very peaceful being out here with only the woman I loved and the sound that had marked our lives every single year of our childhood. The moon was shimmering on the calm waves, and the smell of summer was just around the corner.
“This may be one of the last times we’ll ever be out here alone.” Her eyes sparkled with mischief, and I knew she was thinking of all the other times we’d traipsed this land at night.
“At least for the next eighteen years anyway, but I think we can manage to sneak away once in a while. That’s what we have built-in grandparent babysitters for.” My arm wrapped around her shoulders, and I nuzzled her hair.
Her scent, the shea butter she’d been rubbing on her body for the baby, invaded my senses and it was all I could do not to handle her like some animal.
“That’s true. But I mean this in the dirtiest way possible, Mr. Cole. This is one of the last times we’ll be out here alone … so what do you say?”
Blake toyed with the strap of her sundress, and I finally caught onto what she was saying. “Oh, yeah?”
I could barely breath when she slid it down, revealing one beautiful, swollen breast. I couldn’t keep my hands off of them these days, not that I ever could before she was carrying our child. Instantly, I began to grow stiff in my shorts, and the moon was bouncing off of her blond hair, making her whole being glow.
“We can be teenagers just one more time.” The smile that paints her peach lips is pure evil, and I’ve never been so ready to get into the water.
Blake doesn’t wait for me, instead stripping her dress off in one swoop and running for the water.
“Oh, no you don’t!” I chuckle and begin ripping off my clothes, leaving them in a heap on the sand as I run naked towards her.
There is something so innately freeing about running down the beach with nothing on. The night wind coursing over your skin, every pore filled with surf and sand and salt. The image of Blake, her gorgeous pregnant body broaching the water and sinking into it, the moon lighting up every curve of her form.
This moment is like poetry, soft whispered words and underlying meaning as we tread into the cool ocean.
“Come here, beautiful.” I catch her up around the waist, the water lapping against our bodies.
“It’s colder than I remember.” Blake chatters her teeth but moves into my embrace.
“Well, you are in here at the beginning of June, the water hasn’t had a chance to warm up yet. But you should be used to this, you summer child.” I kiss her wet cheeks, our bodies moving a little farther out, floating.
“It feels really good to be weightless right now.” She tips her head back, her eyes tilting to the night sky as I hold her, help her float.
Her swollen stomach bobs on the top of the surf, and I’m so enthralled with this amazing woman that I can’t contain it. While I help her float, I kiss her stomach, savoring the saltiness on her skin. I know how tired she’s been, how exhausting the extra weight and the restlessness of our little girl inside of her has been. If I can give her a few minutes of peace out here, I’m going to let her have it in any way I can.
“Were you ever scared to come out here?” She turns her head to the side, her eyes catching mine.
I duck my head down, sweeping my lips across her forehead. For as much as I’m trying to let her have her peace, I can’t keep my mouth off of her.
“No I never was, because you never were. You were always the fearless one.”
Blake brings her body back into the water and moves into my arms. I hold her like we’re about to cross over the threshold as bride and groom, because I can no longer hold her face-to-face. She buries her face in my neck, and I wonder what it would be like if we were actually married.
“When are you going to let me make you Mrs. Cole?” I’ve been thinking about asking ever since she got pregnant, but knowing Blake she’d think that was tacky.
“Oh come on, Carson. Do we really need a piece of paper? I have been yours since I was a kid. There is nothing bigger in this world than the love we share, do we need to validate it with a wedding?”
I thought about it. “I guess not, but this baby is going to share my name. I’d like you to share our name too, to make us a family. I don’t need the party or the cake. But I would like your ring on my finger, I always thought I’d be that sexy husband with the silver band on my left hand.”
She chuckled and hit my chest lightly. “So this is about your jewelry wishes, not some sacred vow?”
“I think we’ve made those vows to each other pretty clearly, but yes, I’d like to make it official.”
My girl looked up at me, the moon shining like saucers in her eyes. “I’m not opposed to that.”
“Good.” I nodded, tucking her back into my shoulder.
While this foray into the ocean might have started as a dirty walk down memory lane, it turned into something deeper between us. A relaxing moment between the two of us before the chaos of our life crept in. A piece of time that I can give this radiant woman to just float, to be with herself in this peace.
And while we might not get another one of these moments for a little bit, I know that I’ll take any day with her over any day without her. Because even at my worst with Blake, it is better than any of the last ten years I spent away.
37
Blake
Yes, having a baby was an absolute blessing. I was making a life inside of me, and it was actually crazy to think that just having sex could do that. That the meeting of a man and woman’s bodies acted in such a way that created another human life.
But with that life, came a lot of moving parts. Getting the right car seat and crib, having them set up correctly. Buying the right clothing and washing it all before the baby came. Reading about labor and setting up a birthing plan, what was going to happen if there was an emergency or if things didn’t go according to schedule. Thinking about going back to work and when, and who wou
ld cover my clients in my absence.
One of my biggest projects was the nursery, and right now, I simply couldn’t get it done. Because some of the other miracles of pregnancy were nausea, exhaustion, the frequent need to pee, and forgetfulness. When I could even muster the energy to work on the nursery, I found that I was tired within five minutes, and I gave up to go lay on the couch.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved being pregnant. I loved knowing that in just a short month and a half, we’d have our baby girl here and life would be completely different than what we knew of it now. But it bummed me out that she was going to be here so soon and I had nothing ready.
“Carson, can you bring me a glass of iced tea?” I yelled from the couch, my new home base.
My boyfriend had been a saint, fetching me whatever I needed and putting up with my requests for late night foot rubs.
He walked into the room, and even swollen and tired like I was, it amazed me that I could still feel those familiar stirrings in my core looking at his handsome face.
“Actually, you’re going out for a little.” His smile held something suspicious in it.
“What are you up to, Cole?” I didn’t move from my spot on the couch.
“Well, I know you’ve been tired and feeling kind of um … weighted down, so I thought you might like a nice spa day. My mom is coming over to take you.”
While it was very nice, I was still suspicious of his motives. “Well, I would like a nice pedicure, but I’ve got my eye on you.”
To be honest, I didn’t really feel like moving off of this piece of furniture, but a pampering day would be kind of nice. Maybe Jaclyn would spring for facials …
Three hour later, Jaclyn navigates the road back to our house.
“Thank you so much for this, I didn’t realize how much I needed a pedicure until I couldn’t reach my toes anymore.” I laughed at how swollen my belly was.
She placed a hand on my own that laid in my lap. “You don’t need to thank me, honey, you needed it. And I am happy to have some bonding time with my girls.”
Her endearment makes me a little weepy; she’s been extremely supportive and motherly during my pregnancy. She has turned into the parent I no longer have, and I’m eternally grateful for it. She’s answered every question I’ve had, no matter the intimacy, and has dropped by with dinner or to take me somewhere to get out of the house.
“I can’t wait for this girl to be here.” I rubbed my belly like it was a magic genie lamp.
I couldn’t wait to meet her, but right now, I also kind of liked having her all to myself. Like it was a secret we shared, me and her against the world.
“We can’t either. You should see the little nursery room Mickey has set up at our house, he’s going to love on that child like no other.” She chuckled, and I knew she was still so smitten with her husband.
I only hoped that Carson and I could be that in love when we were their age.
Getting out of the car was a struggle, and so were the steps up to the front door. I loved this little girl, but man was she getting heavy. I couldn’t imagine waiting another month or so to bring her into the world.
“Before we go in, Blake, I just wanted to say …” Jaclyn paused, and her eyes went soft. “I didn’t know if it was a good idea when Carson first came home, you two together. I was worried for my boy, and for how much he still loved you. You have to know that it was only ever you for him.”
I cut her off, because I needed to. “And even with all of my anger, he was always it for me.”
She nodded. “I’m glad he didn’t heed my warnings. You two … the stars collided when they put you together and I don’t know two more well matched people. It’s fate, Blake … I know you see that. I’m just glad the past is behind you, that you can focus on the future together and find love in a place that most thought it didn’t grow anymore.”
Tears clogged my throat and I powered through them. “You’re going to make me a crier and I was never a crier.”
We both laughed and I opened the door, excited to see both of my boys. One handsome, the other hairy.
Rhett came scrambling towards me, careful not to jump up on my belly. He seemed intrigued by my growing size, and I couldn’t wait to see how funny he was with the baby when she got here. I had a feeling he was going to be a great big brother.
“Hmm, maybe Carson went out?” I didn’t hear anything inside the house, which was odd because on Sunday he was typically lounging around watching sports.
“Maybe he’s upstairs.” Jaclyn shrugged and walked ahead of me, towards the hallway that housed the bedrooms.
I have no idea why she’d suspect he was there, actually … I don’t think she’d ever been to this part of our house. But here she was, pushing open the door to the nursery and walking inside.
“Jaclyn what …”
The sentence dies on my lips as I take in the room. And complete shock rockets through my body.
Where there used to be white walls littered with paint samples, there is now a design. Where there were boxes filled with crib and changing table parts, there are now pieces of beautiful off-white furniture assembled as if our baby girl were going to sleep in here tonight. Pictures hung from the walls, and a small bookcase filled with children’s classics sat at the far end. A plush white glider that my body was begging to go to sat in the other corner, and a rug adorned with the alphabet filled the floor.
“What in the world?” Shock still buzzed through me as I turned to see Carson and Melissa standing at one end of the nursery, beaming.
Carson moves toward me, his hands reaching my arms and rubbing up and down. “You work so hard at everything you do, and I know you’ve been struggling to get this done. I wanted to give you the perfect gift, give our child the most perfect room. I hope you like it.”
Looking at the crib with a silly grin on my face, I noticed another detail that I hadn’t when I’d entered the room. The walls were pale pink, one of the shades I’d picked out. But on the entire back wall, the one that the crib rested against, there were white stenciled horses from the ceiling to the floor.
Horses that I’d designed.
“Melissa …” I’d breathed, pointing to the wall as tears streamed down my face.
She held her hands up. “Guilty … I am so guilty. Those cartoon horses I asked you to design were never for our kid’s brochures or coloring books. Carson asked me to sneakily have you mock them up so we could do this special feature wall for you.”
The cartoon horses that my daughter would look up at did me in, and I couldn’t help but burst into tears. These people were really making me a crier.
“How did you,” I had to pause to hiccup, “get this done so quickly?”
Carson’s arms wrapped around my shoulders. “I admit, it was more than just the two of us. I may owe the guys at the office some favors. And it turns out that my dad is a whiz with a paint roller.”
All of these people had come together to give me and our family such a special gift, and I kind of couldn’t believe it. I’d gone from a recluse, a lonely woman trying to make it by herself, to someone who had an entire family of friends that cared and wanted to help. It still got overwhelming from time to time, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Plopping down in the plush white glider, which was really as comfortable as I expected, I sighed. “This is so perfect, I can’t imagine her nursery looking any different than this.”
Jaclyn walked the room, pointing out different things to me that I hadn’t inspected. The Harry Potter quote posters on the wall, designed like pages torn out of a book. The record player with a few choice records sitting next to it.
She picked one up and put it on, and Bruce Springsteen’s “Jungleland” began to play.
“I’m going to spend all of my time in here.” I closed my eyes and nodded along with the melody.
“But I’ll miss you in bed.” Carson swoops low to my ear and says this for only me to hear. I shiver in anticipation of th
e present I’ll give him tonight.
“Thank you. Both of you. All of you. You will never know how much I love it.”
Suddenly, two little feet began excitedly kicking at the walls of my stomach.
“And apparently, this little one says thank you too!” I laughed, pointing to my stomach.
Three pairs of hands all reached for me, eager to feel their favorite new person move.
38
Blake
Joanna Carolyn Cole was born on August twentieth, at 5:46 a.m.
She weighed in at seven pounds exactly, and was going to take after her father at twenty-three inches in length. Our perfect little girl had Carson’s nose and my blond hair.
But curiously enough, her eyes were the same flecked blue-green that Joel’s were, and every time I looked at her, I swear I could feel the threat of tears.
There is something to be said about the kind of love Carson and I share. It’s that lightning-in-a-bottle type of love, that once in a lifetime, high as the moon, kind of love. After everything we’d been through, all of the tragedy and heartbreak and sealing of old wounds … I knew that I loved this man further than the fabric of my own soul.
That was nothing compared to the love my heart exploded with when I saw him hold our daughter for the first time.
There are no words, no earthly syllables to put into rhythm that would describe the joy and momentous, cascading emotions running through me as I watched him press his nose to her tiny one, to whisper in her ear that her daddy loves her more than anything on this earth.
I see what every woman means when they say you go through amnesia; while labor wasn’t the easiest, just seeing Joanna and holding her, I’d do it ten times over.
She may not be able to talk yet, or even comprehend the world, but I feel that instinctive bond with her. She knows I’m her mother, I feel it in her skin and see it when she looks up at me with those eyes that so vividly resemble my twin brother’s.
Ghost in His Eyes Page 16