by S. Nahar
Amira: I am so sorry that I didn’t respond. My grandparents were arriving today and I had to go to the airport. Again I am so sorry.
She was so innocent and adorable.
Me: Don’t worry. I figured u were busy. Don’t beat yourself about it.
Amira: Sorry I have this guilt meter thing inside me. If my mom asks me do the dishes and I refuse I feel so bad afterwards. It’s how I was raised.
Me: ur too cute.
She didn’t respond for a while. My mind felt numb, no energy to even feel a slight inclination to her. I was desperate for a release, desperate for comfort, desperate for an escape from my torturous reality.
Amira: Did u just call me cute?
Me: yeah.
Amira: oh.
I could almost see her perfect lips form an ‘o’ shape. Leaning my head against the door, I closed my eyes with a smile. My tense back relaxed as I took deep breaths. Trying to ignore the tremors of fury, I focused on Amira. The voices outside my door erupted with harshness like a double-edged sword in an argument between two people who were supposed to take care of me, to maintain a stable home for me.
My world was crumbling and I was falling with it into an abyss of negativity.
Me: how do u deal with the urge to punch someone until they black out?
Amira: well, I usually walk away from the scene and calm myself down before I react.
Me: I should just punch the bastard to get it over with.
Amira: What happened?
Me: My ever so idiotic father gambled $8000.
Amira: omg that’s horrible!
Me: I know.
Amira: It’ll be okay. Life throws things at us when we’re not ready but it works itself out.
Me: how would u know?
Amira: bad things happened and r happening in my life. A lot of things happen, but u just have to be patient.
Me: What if I don’t want to be patient?
Amira: Then I don’t know what to tell u. Things won’t always go ur way, Damon. I suggest that u learn the value of patience for ur own benefits.
I slammed my phone to the floor, not appreciating the advice that she’d given me. Patience? What a laugh!
I had gone through hell and back. I had lived through an unstable household where my father’s gambling was always a topic of discussion at the dinner table. I had gone through a backstabbing best friend, who spat slurs at my face as he repeatedly punch me, calling me an infidel who would never deserve love.
I believed him. Luqmaan was right.
Amira’s words echoed back to me. Patience.
Could I really be patient? Would the results be better for me if I was?
Closing my eyes, I wandered myself searching for answers, for a way to help my family, especially my mother. I was her eldest son. She had sacrificed so much for my growth as a student and an adult.
Her own cries brought tears to my eyes. It tormented me, chasing my soul until the pressure’s finally settled against my chest, clawing at me like a demon sent to take me away. I was blinded by my own doubts.
Why, Dad? Why did you hurt us?
***
Knock! Knock!
“Come in,” I feebly mumbled from my bed.
My father’s disheveled body stepped into the room. His dark silhouette against a soft moonlight highlighted his sunken eyes, red and tired like he hadn’t slept in days. Slowly, I sat up with eyes glaring like daggers at him.
He awkwardly stood by the door, scratching his neck. “Could we talk?” he asked hoarsely. I only nodded, not trusting my voice.
Dad sat down on the edge of my bed with hands trembling, as his lips opened and close like he wasn’t sure where to begin with his explanations. I’d heard so many excuses that I wasn’t sure if he could create another one. They were all the same mistake, the same story, and it always happened again.
“Just tell me what I did wrong.” I spoke into the silence with a dull voice from the pain I felt. “Why did you do it?”
“Damon,” he began softly, “none of this is your fault or Percy’s or Daniel’s. It’s all my fault. You share no blame in this.”
“Yet, you still did it again. This time was worse, Dad,” I croaked, staring deep into his eyes. “This time, you gambled savings away, money that was supposed to go to your children. How can you claim to care about us when you pull shit like that?” He was stunned and completely speechless.
“You can’t claim to care for us when you don’t care enough to stop your addiction. What is so important about gambling that you don’t even think for a second about your family? Why do you insist on hurting Mom for some cash? Just be honest with me,” I pleaded, gripping the bed sheets under the covers. “No more excuses this time.”
“Damon… I —”
“No more excuses,” I repeated, firmer than before.
He sighed, holding his temple as if the stress had shot a bullet through him. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I should have thought about you guys. I should have been a practical adult with money, and I wasn’t. You all deserve better than that. You deserve better than me, Damon.”
“Just be my father. Be someone I can rely on.”
Uncertainty lined his eyes like a pool of guilt and shame swirling in the same waters, reflecting his inner conflicts. “I’ll try. I… I promise,” he whispered with a hint of nervousness as if he was unsure of keeping it.
Somewhere deep inside, I knew the same story would replay again. This wouldn’t be the last time. He knew it too. Dad was hiding something from all of us.
He was lying.
Chapter 15
Armed in Friendship
Amira Sarker
I walked into history class and was met by Damon. He was sitting on his seat, tapping his pencil on the desk. He looked bored as hell. I looked around the room, and saw that it was only us, a predicament I did not want. Trying to be as discreet as possible, I put my stuff on my desk quietly, walking out to get some water before class started.
As I leaned down to take a sip of the water, I heard a voice right next to my ear.
“Hey there, sweetheart.”
I jumped backward and crashed into a hard chest. His arms immediately wrapped around my waist, steadying me. I turned around and saw Damon, his eyes gleaming down at me, making my heart beat faster. How was it that his eyes seemed to get brighter every day? The touch of his hands on my waist snapped me from my thoughts. Allah would not be pleased with me.
I glared at him, but was still tense. He just shrugged and let go.
“You know if you were less of a jerk, you wouldn’t have to deal with such hatred from me,” I said while crossing my arms.
He rolled his eyes. “I totally feel the love.”
“You should, if I had any for you,” I retorted.
“Oh please. I have plenty of love from plenty of people including you,” he huffed.
I shook my head with a smile. “You’re too arrogant for your own good.”
“Yeah, but hey it’s part of my charming figure,” he smirked.
“That’s what you think,” I coughed quietly.
He gave a throaty chuckle. That one sound was so hot. Curse my female hormones. I really needed to get a grip on my emotions, pulling onto the reigns of my self-control. I could not fall in love. His presence allured me in ways that scared me, tempting me closer to a point of no return.
I remembered last night, how Damon’s life had taken an unexpected turn, and I felt shame for not asking him sooner.
I bit my lip, wondering if it was a good idea to bring this up. “Damon, how did everything go last night?” I asked.
Immediately, his features darkened, and his smile dropped. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbled.
His lips told me “no”, but his eyes tell a different story. Those forest green eyes were as bright as an evergreen field, yet they pleaded for help with fresh crystal tears. He refused to let them drop, and then he broke our gaze, knowing that I could read him like
a book.
I knew that my next words would be were wrong and I felt despair at seeing his struggles. His life was in shambles; his heart was broken repeatedly from those he loved. I wanted to help. I wanted to save him from destruction.
“If you ever need to talk,” I started as regret pooled in my stomach, “I–I’m here for you.”
As I prepared to walk away, leaving him in his silence to collect his thoughts, his meek voice called out for me barely above a whisper, but the hoarseness told me of his inner turmoil.
“Amira, wait,” he said. “I need to talk to someone right now.”
I slowly turned to face him. “About last night?”
He shook his head. “About all the other nights when the same thing happened. I just… really need a friend.”
I nodded and followed him back to the classroom. Oh Allah, I thought, what have I done? Why did I allow myself to fall victim to this?
Perhaps if I kept the conversation from ever getting too intense or too playful, I would be fine. The only problem was I wasn’t sure if I could control my own desires, and keep Allah’s words as a continuous echo in my mind, to remind and advise me.
I can do this without crossing boundaries.
***
“So, what happened?”
Damon exhaled a shaky breath like the mere thought of his father constricted his airways. “He always gambles money. He’s been doing it since my youngest brother, Percy, was born. He never tells us why, except that he loves the thrill and that he needs it.”
I let the words sink in. “So, he didn’t gamble when you or your other brother was born?”
He shook his head. “No, only after Percy,” he whispered. “It was like he wasn’t ready to have another kid. Maybe that’s why my mom and I try to shield Daniel and Percy from all this because we know that it would crush them if they knew the whole story.”
“So, you decided to carry the burden for them,” I finished for him. “That’s really honorable of you, Damon.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.”
“Sometimes, we don’t see how much of an effect we have on others. We’re blind to it because we only think about how it affects us personally,” I said softly. “Trust me, you are a father figure enough for them.”
He gazed into my eyes, searching honesty from the sincerity in my actions. I knew he had doubts. I knew he feared that I would one day betray him like his old friend did at his old school, but I wouldn’t.
Silence ruled between us where neither of us intended to break our locked gazes. He tried to puzzle through me, and examine my true intentions. He had doubts, and in his darkest hour, he felt as though I would take advantage of it.
Part of being a good Muslim came from showing kindness to others because in return, they would see the error of their ways, knowing that Muslims were just like other people. They were humans that tried to live everyday like it was their last.
Maybe my own kindness would break through to him.
“Why are you being so welcoming toward me?” he asked. “After all the things I’ve done and all the times I made disrespectful remarks, why are you still so kind to me?”
I smiled. “We’re both humans, Damon. We all have feelings.”
His body relaxed as his own lips curved upwards. “Thanks. I’ve thought about your little text speech from yesterday. You know about patience and faith?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I hate to admit it, but you’re right,” he paused, chuckling to himself. “Man, I say that so much to you.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I waved off. “Think of it as me bringing your ego down a notch.”
Damon narrowed his eyes, a small smile still playing on his lips. “I truthfully think I don’t deserve that.”
“I beg to differ.”
That was when Tye and Thomas decided to walk into class with other classmates behind them. Damon and I turned around when we heard singing.
Thomas was singing some perverted song that made me roll my eyes. Tye was right next to him, cracking up. Damon looked at his friends with a grin, but didn’t make an attempt to get up and talk to them. He stayed seated in front of me. I found the gesture sweet, and then thought I was over analyzing the situation. He probably was just too lazy to get up.
My classmates started filling the classroom and giggling at the fresh entertainment for the day. I even laughed as it was amusing to watch. Never did I believe that Thomas was ever going to sing some perverted song in school. He didn’t seem like that type of guy.
I saw Aria, in the corner of my eyes, looking down at her notes. Her hair covered her face, but even from my seat I could feel the intense emotions radiating off of her. I frowned as I saw Mark talking with some girl.
It was like he didn’t care that his girlfriend looked as if she might burst in tears. I stood up, and walked over to Aria’s seat. The whole way felt like a weird feeling of being watched.
“Hey,” I said softly, as I took a seat next to her.
She looked up at me. I narrowed my eyes as I tried to read the hidden emotions in her eyes. She bit her lip, looking at me with a sorrowful look. Her eyes glazed in unshed tears. Her eyes were stormy and clouding with despair. There was no spark in her eyes; nothing seemed to make her feel alive. She was empty like a hollow shell of a human being. The first thought that hit my head was Mark. It had to be him.
“Mark?” I asked.
She didn’t say anything. She looked down at her notes and mutely nodded her head.
I sighed as I looked at Mark. How could he let such a beautiful girl go? She had done nothing but love him. Didn’t he see that? How could he break such an innocent soul? This was something that scared me the most in life.
Love can bring out the best and the worst in a person. I knew that Aria loved Mark. I could see the emotions that flew through her whenever he walked in and the way she looked at him like he was the only guy in the world. She smiled all the time when they were together, or at least she used to.
“What happened?” I whispered.
She sucked in a huge shuttering breath before speaking. “We broke up,” she said brokenly as she winced at her words.
I stared at her in shock. “Tell me exactly what happened,” I said.
“I called him up two days ago, told him about how I was wary of his childhood friend getting so touchy with him, and he laughed it off. He said I was being silly, and assured me that they were just friends. Then I asked if he wanted to hang out, and he declined because he wanted to spend time with her. I got mad, and said that he never spends time with me anymore, and it’s been several months since we hang out. He got mad, told me that I was being too clingy that I needed to open my eyes, and see that the world didn’t revolve around me. Then I told him that if he hated me so much, then we shouldn’t be dating. After that, he said he was happier without me,” she said the last part so quietly that I almost didn’t hear her.
I felt rage burning my blood. That idiot! Of course, Aria would ask why he distanced himself from her. She was his girlfriend for goodness sake! Any girl or guy would feel threatened if the person they were in a relationship with suddenly spends more time with another person. It was common sense.
Aria slightly shaking, snapped me out of my thoughts. Her breathing became rapid, as her hand covered her mouth to stop any sound. She sniffled once more before looking up. The tip of her nose became slight pink, and her eyelashes were glossy. My heart ached for my friend. I could only imagine how it must have hurt.
I grasped her hand, and said, “Listen, he’s an idiot for letting such a beautiful girl go. He should know that he won’t find a girl like you. You had the right to be mad. Don’t feel bad about yourself.”
She nodded limply, and looked back at her notes. I took the gesture as a sign that she needed her space. In the corner of my eyes, I saw Damon looking at me. I fidgeted under his heated gaze, but I shook it off as I made my way toward Mark.
Mark was chatting with that childh
ood friend of his. What was her name again? Linda... Laura... ah yes Leah! When I reached them, Leah glared at me.
I ignored her, and turned to Mark. “Can I talk to you?” I asked.
He scoffed. “You’re talking to me right now.”
The jerk of the day award, goes to Mark, everyone!
“Yes, but I would like to say this to you without your friend hearing,” I retorted while crossing my arms across my chest.
“So be it,” he muttered, as he ushered for Leah to leave. She pouted, but left. Then he turned to me. “What do you want?” he asked, annoyed.
“Why did you do it?” I asked bluntly.
“Do what?”
“Break Aria’s heart. Why?” I demanded.
“It’s none of your business,” he snarled.
Whoa, what happened to the playful Mark that I knew? This was an entirely different guy.
“You’re right. It is none of my business. Just know that you’ll never find a girl like Aria. You ignored her for so long. She’s a beautiful girl who deserves to feel loved,” I said calmly, with a hint of anger. I turned around, and glared over my shoulder. “What comes around, goes around, Mark. Just a good life lesson to know,” I said, and walked back to my seat.
Damon looked at me with admiration, as if he couldn’t believe what I had done.
“What?” I snapped, still angry at the sight of Mark. That boy fueled my blood with fury, and an overwhelming urge to slap him came to mind. Take a deep breath, Amira.
“Do you stick up for all your friends like that?”
I nodded, curious to where he was taking this. Wasn’t it natural to stand up for those you care about?
“You really are nothing like Luqmaan,” he muttered to himself.
“Who?”
“It’s… no one,” he said, quickly covering it up with a grin. “So, how about you help me stay awake during class today?”
I knew for a fact that Damon was lying. Luqmaan, I thought. He was the Muslim friend who betrayed him.