by S. Nahar
His green eyes snapped up to mine, pale face twisted in disbelief. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” muttered Damon to himself. “How do you forgive such a man?”
“Well—”
“No, Amira. I forgave him way too many times in the past and he abused that forgiveness. He promised to change like he always did, but he never did. He isn’t obviously capable of change, let alone maintaining his relationships in life.”
“You don’t have to believe that he will change, but don’t completely shut him out. He’s still your father, Damon. One day he might not be there,” I said, sadness dripping off my words as I thought about the one I lost. “Death doesn’t discriminate. He takes the young and the old, the healthy and the ill. You should cherish that he’s still alive and that he still has time to change.”
“I don’t know,” he sighed. “It’s hard to forgive.”
“Think about it,” I whispered. “You should talk to him though before it’s too late.”
I knew I had given too much information about my past, but there wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t think about all the pain death had caused. The ripple effect flowed through everyone in my household, scarring Tanwir in the worst possible ways. My mother still wept for her lost child, her eldest. We had time, but we wasted it.
***
I came home from school and went to search for my phone. I realized I left it at home during my math class. I really need to organize my stuff, I mentally grumbled. As I walked into my room, I saw Tanwir staring at my phone screen with a hard expression.
“Tanwir, what the hell are you doing?” I glared. Why doesn’t he let me touch his stuff but he touches mine? That’s completely unfair!
His eyes snapped up to meet mine. The hard expression was replaced with a scowl. “I was going to play Summoners War on your account since you’re such a lower level compared to me, but instead I found certain messages that I shouldn’t have found,” he calmly stated.
Anger flared inside me. He looked through my stuff. “Why are you looking through my stuff? Do you not respect privacy anymore because the last time I checked, you never let me look through your stuff,” I hissed in an annoyed tone even though my hands were shaking. He couldn’t have seen them.
“Relax, it was in your notifications, but now I need to teach some sense in you,” he growled before glaring in my direction. “What’s the matter with you, Amira? Why do I see this message from a boy named Damon?”
My jaw dropped. I’m done for. “What message?” I asked carefully like I was talking to an angry beast.
“Allow me to read it. ‘I wish you would give me a chance especially since we’re both into each other.’ Amira, what is this? Don’t give me crap about a joke or something. Tell me the truth,” he demanded.
Shame overwhelmed me. I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret for long. “It’s nothing.”
He humorlessly laughed. “Oh, that’s funny. It’s nothing you say, huh? Because to me it looks like something.”
“Tanwir—”
“No! Don’t ‘Tanwir’ me. Amira, you know Muslims aren’t supposed to date. You’re not supposed to have relationships like this with the opposite gender. What don’t you understand?” he reproached, eyes reprimanding me into silence as excuses melted on my tongue.
By now I was enraged. I couldn’t blame him for judging me, but it still hurt to hear it aloud. “Stop judging without knowing me! You’re one to talk considering you do things secretly without Mum and Baba knowing. I do understand and I know what I’m doing. I have the situation under control, unlike you.”
As soon as I said it, I regretted it.
Something in Tanwir’s eyes changed. The fierce flare in his eyes was replaced by an affectionate gaze. Shame streamed through my blood, painfully squeezing my heart as I watched my brother crumble before me, vulnerability was shining through his eyes.
“When you lose self-control in one aspect of life, you lose it in another. Don’t be one of those girls, Amira. Don’t stray away from the right path where you are in,” he whispered softly.
I was shocked. This wasn’t the tone I normally heard from him. I must have hit a soft spot in his heart, and the words he spoke about self-control scared me.
I felt the frustrations of life brim my eyes, quickly brushing the tears away. I opened my mouth to say something but he held up his hand.
“Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Be better than who I am. I won’t tell Mum and Baba because I trust you,” he said before walking out of my room without a glance at me.
I fell to my knees as soon as he left. What have I done?
Chapter 30
The Journal of Truth
Damon Winters
Thundering fists banged against my bedroom door. I jolted upright and looked at the clock beside my bed. It was five in the morning. Groaning, I pulled my sheets off. Whoever was knocking should better have a good reason for waking me up because if not, they were going to die.
I sluggishly walked over to my door and rubbed my eyes, opening it. My jaw automatically dropped as I saw who was in front of me. Amira, or I least that was what I thought.
I rubbed my eyes again. “A-Amira? Is that you?” I stuttered.
In front of me was not the Amira I knew. This Amira had a hooded gaze in her eyes that were filled with a passion that I was very familiar with. She had a white blouse on, wearing skinny jeans that made me want to grab her legs and wrap them around my waist, as I directed a pleasurable feel all throughout her body.
She wore midnight black heels. What really caught my attention was the silky black long hair that reached down to her hips in beautiful waves. In all, she looked breathtaking.
She giggled. I mentally slapped myself and focused my attention toward her. Oh God. Those smoldering dark eyes kept me standing still. She looked exotic and I felt myself instantly react to her.
“Damon, why are you looking at me like that?” she asked in her angelic voice as she tilted her head.
I groaned. Holy shit! She was making me so aroused and she hadn’t even touched me yet. I was so screwed.
“I need you,” I staggered out as my breathing became uneven with every step she took near me.
I didn’t move. I had too much respect for her to do something that she might regret later, but hell, I was getting hard. Snap out of it, Damon!
Amira grinned mischievously as she closed the door and walked in. I took a step back as she took another step toward me. I felt myself against the wall with a straining bulge in my boxers, yet I still managed to keep my hands to myself even though all I wanted to do was explore her silky soft skin. She placed her hands on my chest gently, and leaned her mouth close to my ear until her hot breath fanned over my neck.
“I missed you,” she whispered, pulling back to look me in the eyes.
I found myself staring at her beauty. Her cute button nose and those perfect sugar plum lips were tempting me in ways that drove me to madness. The gaze she bore upon me was not one of lust, but rather one of love.
A love I was starving for, a love I relied on to breathe, and a love that showed me the light.
I moved my arms to wrap around her waist to pull her soft body against mine. The feel of her against me was heavenly. I never felt like this before. Without hesitation, I kissed her.
As soon as our lips made contact, all reasoning and logic flew out the window. Her lips were so soft and inviting. I groaned at the feel. It drove me wild.
I switched our positions so that she was pressed up against the wall with my knee in between her legs. My mouth devoured hers as she moaned. That sound was music to my ears. I bit her bottom lip; asking for entrance into the warm haven of her mouth. She kept her mouth shut and slowly teased my lips with subtle nibbles.
I growled frustrated and grasped her behind, which ignited a small gasp from Amira. I slid my tongue in her mouth as her fingers pulled my hair. Grasping the back of her thighs, I lifted her up against the wall. I trailed kisses-
Ring! Ring!
I jumped awake as my alarm went off. Damn it! I had another dream of her. The bulge rubbing against the material of my boxer was pure evidence of the effect this girl had on me. Sighing, I got up to take a cold shower.
***
As I dried my hair with a towel, I caught sight of my reflection. I had gotten slight bags under my eyes due to the restless nights of thinking about Amira and my own family dilemma. The dreams always fell into similar patterns, my fantasies of Amira.
I suddenly felt dizzy. I grabbed the counter with both hands to steady myself, glancing up at my reflection again and realized one thing. Amira had changed me.
Her influence had made me into someone better. The thought made me smile. Any man would helplessly fall in love with her. It was that enchanting personality she had. Looks didn’t matter because as soon as she started a conversation with someone, they would be taken back by her confidence and sass.
I thought about her words about forgiveness. Could I forgive my father? The thought kept me up for half of the night. I still hadn’t properly spoken to him, my pride not allowing me to give him even a slight chance to explain himself. My jury had deemed him as unworthy of my affection, and I didn’t intend to go back on that decree.
I walked out of the bathroom, whistling to myself. Searching my drawers for my clothes till I found a causal outfit, and shrugged on plaid button-up with jeans. I walked toward my bed in search of my phone, but suddenly tripped over a book.
“Fuck,” I muttered, glancing at the journal on the floor. It was Amira’s.
I picked the notebook up and sat on my bed, tracing the elegant pink and blue designs with my finger. This was full of riddles of Amira’s past. Something happened to her a long time ago and whatever it was, affected her a lot. I could sense it whenever she gave me advice. There was this look in her eye that screamed pain.
Something either happened back then or was happening now.
Did I want to read the contents of this notebook? Absolutely.
I knew Amira was going to hate me, but she never talked about her problems. She kept in all in. Desperate times call for desperate measures, especially with how down she’d been lately. She tried to conceal her emotions, but I could see right through them like she was an open book.
With a deep breath, I leaned my back against the headboard and opened the notebook. I read the poems quietly to myself. The year was put at the top of the page. Some of them were funny little rhymes that were about crazy dreams.
As I flipped through the pages, a small smile found its way to my lips. This is how imaginative Amira was as a child, I thought. It was adorable. The small Amira was so carefree and innocent like an untouched pearl covered by the ocean, but suddenly the poems became more serious, more tainted in sorrow.
The next few pages were about being alone, sadness, staying quiet, and despair. They abruptly changed. Even the writing style was more matured and better written, however, one poem really stuck out from the rest. It was the most recent one, but it held such a strong meaning.
She stares blankly at the white wall,
Emotion drained from her colorless eyes,
Her body lies limply on the bed,
No movement, no sound,
The world sits in black and white,
Calls for her are silenced.
Why did the world seem so distasteful?
Her head ached like her heart.
Why is she so weak?
She could fight,
But she stays limp,
She could talk,
But she stays mute,
Coward to the world’s inhabitants,
Chained to an everlasting pain.
When will it all end?
When will she see the light?
Frost crawls up to her spine,
A slave to pain,
Knives prick her soul,
She still does not move,
Drowned in her memories,
Through all the pain she sheds no tears,
Visions of her past cloud her eyes.
When will it stop?
Eaten by the harsh reality,
There is only one thing she can do,
Patience heals all,
She could endure the pain,
Or at least that’s what she hoped for.
I exhaled the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding in. This poem was written a few days before she dropped her journal. I felt an unfamiliar tug at my heart at the thought of Amira going through so much emotional pain that she couldn’t find it in her to cry anymore.
One thing that caught my attention was that in the poem she wrote about how her heartache. That made me think that maybe she wrote that because of me. If that was the case that would mean—
“Damon, can I talk to you for a bit?” a deep voice asked from the door, thus interrupting my deductive reasoning.
My head snapped up and I saw my father leaning against my door frame. He had his arms crossed over his chest as he looked at me. My gaze immediately turned hard. What did this bastard want?
Chapter 31
Mistaken Judgments
Damon Winters
“What do you want?” I sneered out.
I was still mad at what my father did to my mother. I couldn’t understand how he could cheat on her. I couldn’t imagine hurting Amira like that. That would kill me.
He looked down in shame before taking a deep breath, looking back at my enraged expression. “I was wondering if you wanted to meet your half-sister today with Percy, Daniel, and me?”
I laughed bitterly. “I don’t want to meet the product of your affair.”
He tensed up. “Damon, the past is past. She is still your sister,” he said through gritted teeth. Oh my, Papa Bear is getting mad!
“Maybe by blood, but not by heart. Just like you’re not my father anymore,” I seethed while standing to assert my authority. Dad and I were relatively the same height. “You have some nerve to come into my room acting all high and mighty, don’t you? Fathers are there for their children at all times. Where were you when Luqmaan beat me up? Where were you when I suffered a mental breakdown?”
“Damon, that’s enough! I’m still your father whether you like it or not! And you will respect me! I will not have my own child disrespect me like this,” he exclaimed, angrily.
“Like you respect Mom? How fucking dare you talk about respect when you couldn’t even respect your wife enough to stay faithful to her?”
“Damon! Let it go! I can’t change what I have already done no matter how I wish I could,” he quietly mumbled the last part.
“How could you do that to her, Dad?” I asked, as my voice cracked. Fuck emotions, I needed answers. “She loved you. A—And you just let her love go to waste. Why? Just fucking why?” I yelled with clenched fists.
He looked down with his fists clenched to his sides. “I was drunk when I hang out at a bar with a few of my friends. She was a waitress and I just... it just happened. I didn’t mean to.”
“So, you just randomly ended up with another woman? Oh yeah, that makes perfect sense,” I sarcastically said, clapping my hands in a mocking attitude. “Did you want a trophy for being an ass or another night with that woman?”
His head snapped up, glaring at me. “I still love your mother, Damon. More than words can describe, but I made a foolish mistake so I have to live up to it. That little girl she gave birth to is my daughter. She needs a father to look up to.”
“I need a father. Daniel and Percy need a father, too. How can she look up to you if you’re a cheating bastard?” I hissed. “You were never there for us, yet you think you can change all that with a new kid?”
“Damon! Stop this nonsense at once!” he demanded as he took a threatening step towards me.
“How about you listen? I know I’m just eighteen and you probably don’t care about what I have to say, but if you really love someone, you respect them. You stay faithful to them and value their lo
ve. Clearly you don’t, or else you would have fought to keep Mom with you,” I glared, blinking back tears. “You would have fought against your gambling addiction.”
“You don’t know anything! I begged for her not to leave me! I went on my knees just trying to hope that she would stay near me! I don’t want to lose her. I never want to let go of your mother,” he said, as tears fell from the corner of his eyes.
Even though I hated him, I could feel the thorns of guilt prick my heart. I didn’t want to feel remorse for my words, anger or my own need to hear him say that he wanted us as a family, that he wouldn’t give us up for this new family of his.
“Then why are you leaving us? Her?” I asked with a hoarse voice.
He sighed. “It’s because I love her, Damon. If it makes her happy to be with someone else... I-I will do it. No matter how much it will hurt me. I love her and I want her to be happy,” he smiled sadly. “It’s all I want for her.”
I felt my anger drown among the river of guilt that followed. It wasn’t the words my father said that broke me, but the way he said it. He sounded so... broken. He seemed so lost without her like his other half had been ripped, like a man who had lost everything, a man who was stuck in life, unable to move forward.
It was then that I took a good look at him. He had bags under his eyes and stress lines on his forehead. The light in his eyes was gone just like the love of his life.
I cleared my throat. “I need some time, Dad. I’m not ready to forgive you.”
He nodded, turning his back toward me as he walked out. Before he left, he looked over his shoulder and said, “We’re leaving soon to meet Jade, your half-sister. Please come, Damon.”
Then, he left.
I flopped back down to my bed. My elbows were on my knees as I buried my face in my hands. He still loved her. Was that what love was really about? To sacrifice my happiness for someone else’s?
As I thought about what just happened, I felt the bed sink beside me and a comforting hand on my shoulder. I looked to my side and saw my mother’s kind face. Seeing her smile at me sadly with puffy eyes made me think of all the struggles in my life. I wrapped my arms around her and let tears fall onto her shoulder.