by Robin Kaye
When the cabbie stopped in front of her building, she paid the man, and followed Robert Downey’s orders to smile. Humming “Lonely in New York,” Toni dug for her keys and let herself in. The wet stink of rain followed her in to mingle with the scent of pizza and fried food from the shop on the first floor. She shivered at the coffin-like feel of the elevator as the doors closed mechanically. Ascending to the eleventh floor felt as if it took a lifetime.
Dragging her suitcase behind her, she unlocked the three locks, and wondered if they were more to keep people out or to keep her in. Toni kicked open the door and took in a breath of stale apartment air. Exhaustion weighed heavy, but the need to see the sky surpassed it as she dropped her things, went out to the terrace, and sat on the still-damp metal chair until the sun rose over Manhattan.
She sat alone atop an anthill watching life go on. Morning delivery trucks tossed bundles of the New York Times and the Post at corner newsstands on Lexington, bread and liquor delivery trucks crowded the side streets, and lights in the apartments around hers flickered on. As John Lennon so famously said, “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.”
What happens when life as you know it comes crashing to a halt? When there are no other plans? When the life you once lived isn’t there for you to go back to, and the life you thought you’d live disappears in the blink of an eye? What do you do then?
Toni cried alone. There was no one other than James to call, and he was out of reach. There was no other shoulder to lean on, no one who cared. She sat on her terrace in the hazy, morning light, watching the other ants work on the hill and wished she could still smell the scent of fresh coffee mixed with pine and Hunter.
***
Hunter paced his cousin Ben’s house in Brooklyn wishing Ben and Gina were there instead of back in Idaho. If they were, they’d help corral Gramps at the very least. Maybe Sam and Tina, Ben’s live-in brother and sister-in-law would help with that. After spending half the night walking their baby Lea last night so Tina could get some sleep, she’d been awful grateful. Not that Hunter had minded. He liked babies. They were good listeners. And three-month-old Lea was just as pretty as her momma. He looked at his watch. Sam would be home from working the night shift in a few hours. Maybe Hunter would talk to him then.
Gramps meant well, but when he tried to help Ben and Gina’s relationship, he almost destroyed it. Hunter did a good enough job at that all on his own. He sipped coffee and tried to figure out how to find Toni, since he didn’t want to have this conversation at her office. With his luck, she wouldn’t let him in the doors.
Last night on the phone Trapper had agreed to look into Emilio’s case and get him decent representation, which was a load off Hunter’s mind. Trapper also said he’d try to work on James, but Hunter didn’t hold out much hope on that front.
Gramps, always an early riser, came into the kitchen wearing a bathrobe. “I figured I’d find you here. Did you even try to sleep?”
“No sense messing up a bed when I’m too wired to sleep.” He leaned against the granite countertop and took a sip of his coffee.
“Maybe if you didn’t drink so much of that damn stuff, you wouldn’t be as jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”
Hunter shrugged and poured a cup for Gramps. He thought Gramps would be happy that Hunter’s mom wasn’t there to insist the old goat drink decaf. At least Hunter didn’t have to listen to them fighting about it. He figured if the eighty-two-year-old wanted a real cup of coffee, he should have it. “I’ve been replaying every conversation I’ve had with Toni, and the only thing I remember her saying about where she lived was that she was on the eleventh floor. She didn’t say what building, what street, or even if it was on the east or west side.”
“I don’t suppose you tried anything as old-fashioned as a phone book?”
“There was no listing for an Antonia Russo, but since she sublet her mother’s place, the phone is probably under her name. With five husbands under her belt, God only knows Clarissa’s last name.”
Gramps took a sip of his coffee and slicked what was left of his hair back. “It’s gonna be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.”
“Clarissa. That’s it!” Hunter grabbed his phone and scrolled through his calls. “Toni used my phone to call her mom the other day, which means somewhere in my phone is her mother’s number.”
“Good. Then just call her momma, and get her address. Send her flowers, buy her a gift, and knock on her door.”
“Found it.” Hunter checked his watch. “It’s too early to call her, especially since I’ve never spoken to her before. I better wait until nine.” He looked out into the small back yard of the massive brownstone. “I feel like a caged animal all cooped up like this. I’m going for a run.”
Gramps opened up the morning paper. “I was wondering how long you’d last in here. Go ahead and take a run. It’ll clear your head. Don’t be too long. We have a lot left to do.”
Hunter rubbed his unshaven cheeks. “I thought you were just coming along for the ride.”
“And leave something as important as this to an amateur? Not a chance. No, I like Toni too much to let you screw it up any more than you already have.”
***
The park was just a stone’s throw away from the house, so after stretching on the sidewalk, Hunter made a beeline for the trees. Even as he ran through the wooded area, the air so thick he felt as if he could drink it, he still didn’t feel free. Man, did he miss the sights and sounds of home. If he and Toni were back in Idaho, they’d be snuggled up in bed together sleeping peacefully with nothing but the rustle of trees, the hoot of an owl, or the howl of a wolf to disturb them. Not the sounds of garbage trucks, police cars, and ambulances. How anyone could live with all this noise was a mystery.
The hair on the back of his neck stood up as his instincts kicked in. He wasn’t sure why, but he could swear he was being followed. He turned off the paved running path onto the dirt one he knew headed toward a little pond and slowed his pace. Sure enough, two men wearing knee socks, tennis shoes, and shorts that must have been circa 1970, turned in behind him. Hunter poured on the speed and once out of sight, stepped off the path, and doubled back through the woods, thankful for the dense foliage.
The two men, huffing like freight trains, passed within feet of him without even a look around. Hunter got a picture of them on his cell phone. The city must have dulled their senses. Hunter waited a few seconds and then followed the two guys. It was obvious neither of them were runners. They were too big and bulky. They both looked like linebackers without the agility as they lumbered down the path. These guys were meant to look intimidating, but Hunter didn’t think they could live up to the image. Not with him at least. He closed in on them. Neither noticed until he was about six feet away. One slowed the other and looked over his shoulder.
“Hi.” Hunter stopped, keeping his distance.
“Hey, how did you get behind us? We were following you.”
“I know. And just why is that?”
The bigger guy put his hands on his thighs, leaned over, and tried to catch his breath. “We want you to call your dogs off. That private dick, Dick Sommers, is sticking his nose into something that’s best left alone. You get my drift?”
The other guy stuck his hands in his jacket, and for the first time Hunter wondered if confronting them was a smart move. It occurred to him that the only reason to wear a jacket while running in New York in July was if you were packing. He stepped closer to the edge of the trail. “Do you want to be more specific?”
“Look Mr. Walsh. We know where you live, where you work, and all about your cute little wife. You’re a smart guy. Take this as a friendly warning, and call Dick Sommers off.”
Oh God, they thought he was Ben, and they knew about Gina too. “How about this for a friendly war
ning? If you so much as look at anyone in my family, I’ll hunt you down just like I did a few minutes ago, and you’ll never see me coming. You get my drift?”
Both guys nodded. “Look. We don’t want no trouble. We’re just doing our job.”
Hunter was disgusted. “Who do you work for?”
The bigger guy held out his hands. “We were just paid to deliver a message, and that’s it.”
The guys looked around nervously. Hunter didn’t want to push his luck. “Tell your boss I’ll call off Dick Sommers. Just leave my family alone.”
The two guys nodded and backed away from him before turning and running away.
Finally the search for Rafael had taken a turn in the right direction. At least the kid was alive. That was a welcome piece of information. Hunter waited a few minutes before running toward Ben’s brownstone. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and hit speed-dial. First things first, he needed to talk to Ben, email him the pictures, and tell him they were on to him and Dick Sommers. It looked as if Fisher had gotten his wish. The family had to take over the investigation now. He just hoped they’d do a better job of flying under the radar than Dick Sommers had.
Chapter 18
Toni rose stiffly from the wrought iron chair she’d sat on for hours and went back into the apartment. She had yet to go grocery shopping, so there was no food worth eating, not that she even had an appetite, but coffee always sounded good. She fixed herself a pot and after tasting it realized her mistake—compared to Hunter’s, her coffee sucked.
Taking a sip and grimacing, she made her way to the bathroom, pulling her suitcase behind her while trying not to spill her terrible coffee. Maybe she’d break down and buy Starbucks. Even then, she doubted it would be half as good as his. There was something wonderful about a guy bringing her coffee in bed and kissing her awake, or better yet, loving her awake.
With another gulp of the bitter sludge, she reminded herself that it hadn’t been love at all. It had been nothing but a game. He’d faked her out, led her on, and she followed like a needy puppy. God, how embarrassing was that? Worse, she missed him like she’d miss an amputated limb—the phantom pain making her believe it was still there, until she opened her eyes and found it gone. She was alone.
Toni opened her shower door and turned the water on to scorching, remembering how Hunter hated hot showers, but then, he had a way of warming her up even in the coldest water. Crap, she couldn’t even take a shower without thinking of him. He had infused himself into her life so completely, she wasn’t sure how to extract him without losing what little was left of herself.
Her phone rang, and she ignored it. There was no one she wanted to talk to. There was nothing left to say.
She finished her shower and went through her closet, finding nothing she was interested in wearing. She put on her favorite black plaid kilt and black T-shirt to match her mood with thigh-highs and the clunkiest pair of kick-ass boots she owned. Mechanically, she clipped on her collar and wristbands and took the subway downtown to her office. The whole way Toni kept fingering her collar. Nothing felt right. The boots were even heavier than the hiking boots Hunter had bought her and a whole lot less comfortable, her wristbands snagged on her skirt, and when she got pushed up against some big guy in the subway, they almost punctured her chest. Sheesh, she looked at the people walking by her and felt like a clown. She’d never felt that way before, but now… yup, definitely clownish. She pulled off her wristbands in the revolving door to her office building and shoved them in her bleeding heart backpack. Maybe she needed to change that too.
When she stepped off the elevator, Terri, the receptionist, met her at the door. “Toni, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in Idaho.”
Toni brushed her bangs out of her eyes. “Bianca took over the shoot and said I was needed here.”
“Was it a disaster? Is that why Bianca ran to Idaho?”
“I guess that depends on your definition of disaster. The shoot went fine.” She walked past Terri to her office, went in, and closed the door. Sitting at her desk was a red folder that hadn’t been there when she left. It contained a list of projects from Bianca. Toni dug through her backpack and found the file Bianca had sent home with her. Pushing aside the green River Runners folder, she opened Bianca’s file for the first time and booted up her computer.
It took Toni all of four hours to see she didn’t belong there anymore. She felt like an impostor. She wasn’t sure if she’d changed or if she’d just woken up—maybe a little of both. She knew if she stayed at Action Models she could have a very secure future doing the exact same thing she’d always done. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. The few days she had with Hunter taught her more than what a broken heart feels like. It taught her what great felt like. Suddenly, not bad wasn’t nearly enough—not anymore.
She no longer fit into her old life. She had to make a change.
Toni typed up her letter of resignation, walked it over to Bianca’s office, and laid it on her desk. On the way back, she stopped at the copy room and grabbed an empty box. When she looked up, Terri was at the door watching.
“What are you doing?”
“I just tendered my resignation.” She strode back to her office, Terri following in her wake. The walls of the hallway were covered with photos of shoots Toni had worked on, but when it came down to it, there was no part of her in them. She’d been as invisible in them as she’d been to Bianca, and that’s one thing that would never change. As Clarissa always said, there’s only room for one in the mirror, and that one was Bianca Ferrari.
Terri followed her into her office and closed the door. “Toni, please don’t leave. Bianca will be back Monday. I’m sure you two will straighten everything out then.”
Toni shook her head. “There’s really nothing to straighten out. I’ve outgrown the job, and I need to find something more.” Besides, the last thing Toni needed was to hear about, or God forbid, see Hunter. With he and Bianca working a deal together, there’d be no way to avoid him, and that was more than she could deal with. “No. I’ll start looking for a new job on Monday.”
“Bianca’s not going to be happy about this.”
“I wouldn’t be too sure of that.” Toni pulled out a thumb drive and copied her contact list—all the photographers, magazine editors, and everyone she’d ever worked with in the three years she’d been at Action Models—all the while praying she’d be able to find a job soon.
“She’s hardly here anymore. You’ve practically run the place over the last year.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t be hard to replace, and Bianca will be back Monday.”
Terri sniffed. “Yeah, thanks for that.”
“You and Bianca will be fine without me.” She set the box on her desk and packed what little was hers. Looking around her office, she realized that she didn’t have much there—nothing personal, no sign of her in any way. She’d been invisible. She took the wilted plant someone had given her last Christmas, not because she wanted it, but because she didn’t want to be responsible for its death. She put it in beside a box of tampons and thigh-highs she kept in her drawer for emergencies, a black jacket she had on the back of her door for when the air conditioner went from comfortable to frigid, and a stained coffee cup that said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” The quote was painfully true.
Toni lifted the box, nodded to Terri, and left. She’d become visible the moment Hunter had set eyes on her. It wasn’t a comfortable transformation, but now she had somehow fallen back into her old self, back into the cocoon of invisibility, only to find it no longer fit.
She just needed to keep moving, putting one foot in front of the other, and maybe she’d get back to normal. Maybe she wouldn’t feel as if she were someplace she didn’t belong. Maybe she wouldn’t miss the silence of the mountains and remember what she loved about the noise and scen
ts of the city. Maybe she wouldn’t think about Hunter every waking moment and feel she was missing a part of her soul.
***
Hunter waited until 9:00 a.m. and called the number he’d prayed was Clarissa’s.
“Hello?” It was apparent where Toni got that husky voice of hers.
“Is this Clarissa?”
“Yes.”
“Hi. I’m Hunter Kincaid, Toni’s…” Shit, what was he? Her boyfriend? Her ex? “Look. I’ve spent the last week in Idaho with your daughter, and I love her. Something happened. She left, and I need to find her. I was hoping you could give me her address.”
“How do I know she wants to be found?”
“Ma’am, you don’t. If you spoke to her she’d probably say she never wants to see me again. I made a mistake, and she left before I even had a chance to explain. I have to see her. I flew to New York last night, and I really don’t want to grovel in her office. I don’t know what else to do.”
“Young man, I hope you don’t think me rude, but I’m going to need more information. You could be some kind of mad stalker for all I know. Why don’t you tell me what happened?”
Hunter couldn’t really blame her; his mother would do the same thing if someone called looking for Karma. “When we first met, I saw that book on dating you sent her.” He couldn’t believe he was telling her this. “He Comes First: How to Find Your Perfect Man and Marry Him. I called my sister and asked her to pick up a copy of the book for me. I just wanted Toni to feel the same way about me that I felt about her, and well, I used it.”
“You read that book?”
“Yes, ma’am. I even made notes in the margins.” He shook his head. Dumb mistake. “She found my copy and left on the first plane out. I don’t know what Toni thought. I can only imagine.”