by Aidy Award
She'd showered and everything this morning. A long, long, achingly hot shower. The kind that turned her skin red, but didn't wash away the real filth. The filth that was on the inside needed a different kind of cleansing, from the soul out. Not something she was going to get here at the hospital.
The longer she was here, the worse that feeling would be for all those other women. Yeah. She was getting out of here today. "I'm all ready to go home. You two didn't leave the house too much of a pigsty did you?"
Heli and Gal exchanged worried looks. "You can go home already? Is that what the doctors said? Shouldn't you give yourself some time?"
"I can rest at home just as well as I can here." Not that she was going to sit back and binge Netflix and eat gallons of ice cream or something. No, she had a lot of research to do on how to get away with murder. "I have no doubt you two will make sure I take it easy."
Criminal law wasn't her forte. She'd spent her time at Gardner, Gilmartin, and Ginsburg working on civil rights, not defending bad guys. She'd gotten into law to help the underserved, underprivileged, and under appreciated. She knew everything there was to know about mergers and acquisitions, some really boring crap about employment law, and a smidge about commercial leases, but not much about justifiable homicide. That was outside of her schooling.
Gal faked a smile. Why would she do that? Nerves. "Uh, I'm happy to come over and hang out with you, but I moved in with Max a few weeks ago."
"Oh. That's great. I'm happy to see you two hit it off." What Zara really wanted to say was something along the lines of - are you effing kidding me? The last thing she had seen of the two of them was some hot and heavy flirting. To have gone all love at first sight was nuts.
Kind of like Zara. She wasn’t one to chastise. She'd fallen for Niko the second she saw him jogging across the football field toward her. Silly teenage hormones. Galyna was a grown woman with a post-graduate degree. Maybe Heli could talk some sense into her.
Zara shrugged like it was no big deal one of her only friends was leaving. "Fine, but you'll miss Heli's quadruple chocolate chip cookies."
"Umm..." Heli shuffled her feet.
"Umm, what? Not you and Kosta. You swore that was just about the sex." Her sister was leaving her now too? Great... Fan-freaking-tastic... Fine. She didn't need anyone to take care of her. Never had.
Heli tried to reach for Zara's hand again, but would have had to dig deep into the blankets to get to her. "A lot has happened since then. Kosta and I are mated. I guess I thought you'd have seen that at the battle, but there was a lot going on, so maybe not."
The battle. Her vision went a little fuzzy around the edges, and her skin went clammy. She didn't want to talk about that now. In her mind, Kosta and Ramsey Crescent had shifted into werewolves, along with a whole lot of other people, and fought almost to the death. The only person who'd been there that hadn't become a slathering beast was Niko.
Seeing him was almost as much of a shock as... well, the entire last month of her life. Niko had loved her and left her. That in and of itself was enough to send her into her first psychotic episode. Night after night she'd seen visions of him. Sometimes he was running through snowy woods dressed all in fur, other times he was in a dark club, drinking and dancing with women much more beautiful and sexual than she'd been at nineteen. She'd held it together then and had mostly been able to ignore the sights, sounds, and scents of her hallucinations.
She absolutely refused to have schizophrenia, paraphrenia, hyperphrenia, or any other -phrenia. If she did, she wasn't going to allow it to ruin her life. She'd defeated it back then, she could do it again.
The visions had been much too real to call them daydreams, or even nightmares. There were so many times she was sure she could reach out and touch him, feel him, be there with him. That was when she'd looked up schizophrenia and decided there was no way she could tell anyone what was happening.
Not even her parents. They both worked so hard to do so much good in the world, that having to deal with the way her teenage brain had decided to cope with the break up would have been a waste of their energy. She'd handled it on her own and learned to become a productive member of society all on her own. She even did some civil rights pro bono work to keep from allowing lawyering to suck her soul away.
She hadn't made it through college and law school all on her own. She'd had her family. It had taken a whole heck of a lot of meditation and yoga classes with her mom, long discussions about constitutional law with her dad as they walked through the Reserve, romance novels, and her sister's regular care-packages filled with cupcakes to beat back the stress she knew had to be causing her mind to show her things that weren't there. None of them had known how much just being there for her helped.
Which was more than she could ever say about Niko.
"Knock, knock." Speak of the handsome devil.
What the heck was he doing here? Not only had she thought he would be in the hospital himself, and for a good long time, but he wasn't supposed to be here. She'd never said he could visit her.
"Hey, Niko." Heli stepped in front of Niko and gave him a huge hug. "It's really great to see you out and about."
Galyna darted over to Zara's bed, whipped off the cute pink cardigan she was wearing and thrust it out at her, shaking it like it was an emergency that Zara put it on. It was way better than the faded blue-ish, slightly see-through hospital gown. She supposed pulling the blanket up over her head and yelling at Niko to go away wouldn't show the doctors she was ready to go home.
Zara grabbed the sweater, shoved her arms into it, and buttoned it all the way up. She smoothed her hair and Galyna handed her a shiny pink lip gloss. Gal winked at her and moved a stray strand of hair, giving her locks a little fluff. "Sorry, I don't have any concealer or mascara. I'd say give your cheeks a pinch for some color, but they're already pink."
No, they were not. Okay, fine. They totally were. Zara didn't want to feel anything for the rat bastard who'd moved a billion miles away right after he'd asked her to marry him. If she had a ring to throw in his face, she would. Then she'd smother him with kisses... Then she'd slap him... Then maybe dry-hump his leg while shoving her tongue down his throat.
Gah. Maybe she did need to stay in the mental hospital.
Niko finally was able to side-step Heli, and he held out a small sprig of bamboo in a tiny vase filled with rocks and water. "I got you this. Thought you might like something living in a place like this."
Dammit. Why was he so thoughtful and astute? Probably a suggestion from his mother. She was a well-bred, classy lady. "Thanks. You didn't have to bring me anything."
"I've got an awful lot of making up to do with you. A little plant is the least I can do."
Zara swallowed and set the vase on the side table next to her medications. Her hands didn't even shake.
Niko glanced at Galyna and Heli and shoved his thumbs into his pockets. He looked like he was going to say something, but didn't. An uncomfortable silence filled the room until Zara wanted to scream. She didn't though. Instead, she cleared her throat.
Heli took the cue. "You seem to be all healed up from the battle. Kosta said your wolves could do that faster than in human form."
"Uh, yeah, They can... I didn't--"
Zara's heart rate shot up so high that if she was still hooked up to the monitors, they'd be sounding the alarm. "Wolves?"
Did they know? No, they couldn't. She hadn't even told the psychiatrist she'd hallucinated that her captors had been werewolves. Bile burned the back of Zara's throat. "Why would you have wolves, Niko? Did you bring them back from Russia. I think that's illegal."
His eyes went wide, and he took a step back. "No, I definitely didn't bring a wolf back with me."
He turned to Heli and Gal. "I...I thought..."
"So did we. I don't understand.Maybe I should get Doc."
"No... It's okay. I'm fine. No wolves. It's fine. Don't mind me."
"Zara? How much do you remember about the Cresc
ent pack and your time there?"
Pack. Heli had just called the people living with Ramsey Crescent a pack. No, no, no, no. That couldn't be.
Oh, shitballs. She must be hallucinating again. She glanced at Niko, and while he looked worried, he was one-hundred percent human. But Heli's eyes were glowing purple, and Galyna was sprouting fur and a snout.
"Nothing. I don't remember anything. I swear."
Also... her pants were currently on fire.
Fifty First Dates
Who better to turn to when life threw FUBAR situations his way, like Zara not remembering wolfkind, than his mother? Not like he'd gotten a choice. Selena Troika watched Niko like the fierce wolftress she was, and when he'd come home from seeing Zara in the hospital, she'd attacked him with questions.
"Nikolai, something has happened, and if you try to keep it from me, you will be sorry, young man."
Up until now, Selena had given Niko a wide berth. She blamed herself for getting him involved in the revolution. He knew better. Even if his mother hadn't been a revolutionary, Niko was destined to change their world anyway. He'd known that since the first day he'd seen Zara and fallen for her on the spot.
His mother had always been on his side, more than anyone ever knew. She could be his ally again in his fight to win Zara back. "I've been to see Zara at the hospital."
Selena grabbed his arm, worried. "Doc said she was recovering okay just last night. Has something happened? Will she be okay?"
"I need your help, Mom. With Zara." That was easier to say out loud than he'd expected. He'd never talked to either of his parents about how he felt about Zara.
Wolf law had been pounded into his head from an early age. He had to know and uphold the Volkovs’ edicts to keep his pack and wolf shifters around the world safe. That meant never letting humans know they existed. His parents, especially his father, had been opposed to him dating a human. His mother relented first and had let up on her relentless matchmaking.
Now he understood why.
She never intended him to be strategically mated to a wolftress from another pack. Selena Troika was a romantic and wanted better for her sons. She wanted them to find and fall in love with their true mates.
It wasn't just a fairy tale matriarchs told their young pups. The damn Volkovs had ruined it by declaring mating anyone but another wolf shifter illegal. With the death of the Black Prince, the last English ruler with werewolf blood, wolfkind was no longer protected and the church began to target supernatural beings in earnest. Werewolves had been hunted almost to extinction. By secluding the survivors into packs far from humans, forbidding any contact, they had preserved their race.
But that was more than seven hundred years ago. Progress back into society had been too slow. Christ, his grandfather's generation were the first to interact with humans at all. Even that had been a hard fought battle. Worth it though.
"The answer is probably more orgasms. I'm just warning you." She raised her eyebrows in a sort of can-you-handle-this way.
Oh, God. "Mother."
"What?" She gave him a gallic shrug. "I'm not wrong."
No, she wasn't. But... eww. He didn't want sex advice. "This problem might need more than, uh, that."
She nodded sagely. "Great sex."
Why, oh why, did his mom have sex on the brain? This was serious. "Zara doesn't even want me anywhere near her. How am I going to win her back when--"
Selena clapped her hands. "So you've decided to come back to the land of the living. If you're in, I can work with just about anything. We need a plan. How about--"
Niko had no doubt his mother had plans on top of plans wrapped around plans. She didn't have all the details though, and he probably should have led with the most important information. He just couldn't believe it himself. "She doesn't remember anything."
Not much made his mother go silent. This news did. She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it. She raised one finger like she was going to ask a clarifying question and then huffed. "Anything? Like anything, anything? Like Fifty First Dates? "
"Not exactly. She doesn't remember being kidnapped or anything that happened pretty much all of the last month. She didn't even know I was back, and she has no idea about wolfkind."
"Well, shit." She plopped onto the couch across from him and frowned for a good long time. "Neither Gal nor Heli knew about our true natures before they got with your brothers, so that part I can work with. I'm more concerned that she's blocked out the entire trauma. I'd like to talk to Doc about that."
"Yeah. Me, too. But I don't want to ever lie to her again." Leaving Zara was the second worst night of his life. His father convinced him that breaking up with her was for the best. He'd be serving the Wolf Tzar in Russia for several years, and it wasn't fair to ask her to wait for him. He wouldn't be allowed to take her as a mate anyway. Or so he’d thought.
He wouldn't think about that now.
"Listen, sinochek. I'll work on what to do about Zara's missing memories, but you've got to get on that girl's radar outside of the hospital. Take her out, wine and dine her. Help her remember what's important."
"What is important?"
"Why she loved you in the first place."
Shit. That wasn't going to work. He wasn't the same man he was before. No, if he was going to get Zara to fall for him again, it had to be a different Niko. Not new and improved, because he certainly wasn't better than before, and the only thing new about him was his determination to make her fall for him again. That made his mom's advice moot.
Except maybe the sex part. Not that he'd be talking to his mother about that again... Ew... Just ew.
"Thanks for the advice, Mom."
"Oh, no. You're going to go ask your brothers for manly advice now, aren't you?"
Now that was a good idea. "I think I'll head over to the Sleepy Folk and see what Max is doing."
Selena rolled her eyes at him, but she was hiding a smile too. Niko kissed her on the head and realized that was the first time he'd shown anyone any affection since he'd gotten back. This was also the longest conversation he'd had in months. The darkness in his soul pushed back against this new forward movement he'd just made.
Max was behind the bar when Niko snuck in through the back door, and he definitely looked surprised as shit to see him. Fair enough. This was the first time he'd been to the Sleepy Folk during open hours. Certainly not when there were lots of people around. They would want to talk to him, ask him how he was.
His vision tunneled around the edges, and he consciously beat it back until he could see normally again. He could do this. He could do this. He could be a normal person.
Niko sauntered across the room and waved at his brother, like this was any other average day, and headed toward the bar. "Hey. I thought I might help out behind the bar tonight. I haven't really done much since I got back, and I'd like to fix that."
"Huh. Okay. Cool." Max slapped him on the back, but a flash of worry went through his eyes too. "I'm happy to have you here. You should know, Gal is upstairs at the pie shop with Zara. I'm pretty sure they'll head down here next. Sort of Zara's reintroduction into real life, you know."
Max glanced over Niko's shoulder toward the stairs that led down into the speakeasy with all the love in the world written across his face. That look was reserved for his mate and tugged at the darkness in Niko. He would never begrudge his brother the happiness Gal brought to him. Hell, he'd sacrificed his life so that Max could mate whoever he wanted.
Niko ignored the black mark on his soul for hating his brother's happiness and turned, even though he wasn't ready. His gut clenched, and he was this damn close to hurling. Yeah, that was a great way to make a good impression on Zara. Fuck. Just watching her walk down the stairs had his brain and his body at war with each other.
His body wanted him to walk over there and sweep her off her feet. Literally. He'd throw her over his shoulder caveman style, drag her to the back room, tie her down so she was on her knees for h
im, and make her cry out his name in pleasure as he did all the dirty and delicious things he was dying to do.
Niko wasn't a wolf. He was a pig.
He'd be better off as bacon than an alpha. Hold up... Alpha? Where had that thought come from? He wasn't an alpha. Not anymore. Niko had resigned himself to that. He was lucky to be alive, much less thinking he could lead his own pack. A broken piece of shit like him wasn't fit to lead a granny across the street, much less his fellow wolf shifters.
Still, the thought that he was supposed to be an alpha had popped into his head. Almost like someone had placed it there, waiting for him to let it jump into the front of his mind.
Nope. No good could come from thinking like that. Maybe someday, when he'd figured out how to get his wolf back, he'd consider joining the Troika Pack's Enforcers again. He couldn't count on ever getting his wolf back, and now that Zara didn't remember anything about the wolves who'd taken her, it was better that he wasn't.
Yeah. That was a better goal than worrying about being a fucking alpha. The Troikas had their leader. Max led the wolves in Rogue well. He was strong, he was smart, and he cared. Plus, he had his eyes firmly facing the future.
That's all Niko had ever wanted. To see the Troikas leave the antiquated ways of the past behind so their wolves could choose their own paths to happiness.
That was enough.
Almost.
One more thought rose up unbidden, as if whispered into his subconscious. There was one more thing he'd always wanted and had denied himself.
The light scent of her skin, perfumed with the sweetest of brown sugar, cinnamon, and apples, with her own touch of something soft and clean, like a fluffy cloud drifted over his senses. This afternoon, for the first time since he'd gone on the run into the cold Russian night, Niko had experienced an emotion other than regret, disdain, and hatred.
Just being in the same room as Zara for all of a minute and forty-seven seconds had done that. He'd denied the reaction when he'd gone to the hospital. He was too wound up about seeing her for the first time, he wasn't sure what he'd been feeling. He'd made a stupid excuse to get the hell out of there before they even got to talk.