Caleb called to say the tabloids found me and are headed to Cashmere Creek. I don’t want you to get caught up in my secrets and have yours exposed. I'd rather you’re mad at me for not saying goodbye, than mad at me forever. I can make up for not saying goodbye by coming back to say hello. I don't know how long it will be, but once this mess is cleared up, and I know yours, Sarah’s, and Huey's secrets are safe, you'll see me again.
The gift is something I picked up in town the other night. When I passed by it, my feet ceased to move. Open it when you’re ready. I explained more about it inside the box.
You have my number, Mercy. If you need me, call and I'll come running. You have forever changed my heart, my soul, and my mind about life and love, through the idea that we don't control anything in this world. All we can do is survive until our glory day arrives. That’s the day we meet the person who will shift aside all of our preconceived notions about life, and leave nothing but the best of us to shine through. I know what you're thinking right now. You're not the woman for me, but I swear to God, as I sit here at two a.m. already pained from missing you, I'm not so sure.
Be well, Mercy, and remember life is what happens between the black and white lines. Hayes.
My hands shook when I lowered the letter to my lap. Air moved in and out of my lungs, but I couldn’t catch my breath. Already pained from missing you, I’m not so sure. I leaned over my lap and squeezed my eyes shut. The pain in my own chest was almost too much to bear and the feeling I’d had since he left my bed had grown tenfold.
The day we meet the person who will shift to the side all of our preconceived notions about life, and leave nothing but the best of us to shine through. Life is what happens between the black and white lines.
I understood all too well what those black and white lines were. When you were a pure white line like he was, you couldn’t be with someone who always lived below the black line. As romantic as it sounded, there was no between the lines. There was no gray in life. You’re either one or the other. Unfortunately, we were opposite colors.
What if you’re both a little black and a little white, and when you come together you form the gray he’s talking about? The voice asked from over my left shoulder.
I shook my head, relieved my mother no longer hounded me, but unsure how to get rid of the new voice.
I don’t think it works that way, I answered.
But how do you know if you don’t try? We all have darkness in us and we all have light in us. That’s being human. If we meet someone who is the opposite, has darkness where the light should be and light where the darkness should be, wouldn’t it make sense that you’re then a perfect fit?
I shook my head, rubbing my temple with my fingers. Maybe Jack Daniels wasn’t such a good idea.
It’s not the Jack Daniels talking here, Mercy.
“Who are you?” I asked the empty room. “I swear to God you’re driving me nuts.”
There was laughter from within my own head and I rested it in my hand. Beautiful, I’m your voice of reason. I’m the voice you could never hear before because you kept me hidden under the layers of blackness.
I threw up Justice, the tiny arm falling back to my side with a thunk. “Exactly my point!”
But not mine, it answered. My point is, the moment you let the light in, you could hear my voice. Years ago, when you were about to make the biggest mistake of your life, you stopped long enough to marvel at the moonlight for a moment. When you did that, you pushed aside the black curtain and my voice could be heard. Do you remember?
“It was just that I couldn’t run anymore,” I whispered.
And you let me in. You were finally able to let me in because the darkness no longer overshadowed the light.
“Okay, Oh Great Wise One, what do I do now then?” I asked kiddingly, waiting for an answer that wouldn’t come.
You open the gift.
I sucked in a breath and froze. No, I most certainly did not want to open the gift. I didn’t want to open the gift, read the note, or pretend I wasn’t going to be broken forever by what was inside. It could be a rock and it wouldn’t matter. The idea he bought me a gift and left it for me to find was enough to tell me I meant something to him, just not enough for him to stay.
I took another shot of Jack Daniels and settled back on the couch, the box staring me in the face from the coffee table. It could just sit there forever as far as I was concerned. Beast came over and jumped up on the couch next to me, his heavy head splayed across my lap. He stared up at me and his bushy eyebrows wiggled as if he had plenty to say, if he could only speak.
“We’ll go out in a little bit,” I promised him. “I’ll throw your ball and we’ll pretend we’re happy. Okay, boy?”
He didn’t look any happier than I felt on this cold December day. His eyes flicked to the coffee table and back to me, as though he was trying to tell me something.
“You too?” I asked him, ruffling his head. “There’s no law that says you have to open a wrapped box, you know.”
He didn’t believe me. I could tell by the puff of air that left his nose when he nuzzled my hand.
“Okay, you know what, fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. I’ll open the box. Fine.” I huffed at the dog. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter anyway.”
I leaned forward and lifted the box from the top of the table to rest on my lap. Unwrapping presents was yet another frustrating experience with only one hand. First, you had to get the ribbon untied and then tear the paper off while you hold the box between your legs. It was always the intricate tasks that tripped you up more than anything. I guess that was the nature of being independent. Even when you’re living life just fine alone, all it takes is one person with the purest blue eyes, a disarming smile, and a body that melds perfectly to yours when you’re loving each other, to destroy that sense of independence instantly.
In defiance, I held the box in my hand and grasped the bow with my teeth. Surprise filled me when it fell away with barely a tug. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised. Hayes was nothing if not observant. The lid of the box lifted off easily, and inside was a folded piece of paper covering a beautiful silver necklace.
“Mercy,” I read aloud, so Beast could hear. “When I saw this, my feet paused. It said your name aloud to me and when I held it, I witnessed what I sensed as your rebirth. The infinity symbol is never-ending, and in that, I see your old life and your new. Your good and your bad. Your black and your white. It’s a symbol of peace and love, two things I wish for you. What struck me as even greater, was the star of David hanging below the symbol. Some believe it symbolizes the joining of male and female. Some believe it’s the joining of man and God. I believe it’s a symbol of mercy. It is the symbol of pure, unadulterated love by our God. I know, you say that you are only kind-of Jewish, but that’s okay. The only thing that matters is what you believe. It’s definitely weird that I’m giving a Christmas gift to a Jewish person, but I know you, and you’re saying to yourself, ‘but I’m not really anything.’ I want you to know, you are something. You are really something. You are here, Mercy, therefore you need to believe. First, in yourself. Then, in whatever comforts you. Lastly, I hope you wear this as a reminder of the time we spent together. On Christmas morning I will wake up with a smile on my face for no other reason than knowing the necklace is hanging around your beautiful neck, the neck I wish I was kissing.” I gasped, trying to hold back the sob so I could finish reading. The paper wavered in my hand and the words blurred on the page from the tears in my eyes, so I lowered it to my lap. I cleared my throat and wiped my eyes on my shoulder before I lifted the letter again to finish it. “P.S. I picked one that was long enough for you to slip over your head. I thought Justice might appreciate it. Hayes.”
I stared at the beautiful silver necklace and moaned aloud. I was a little bit drunk and a whole lot heartsick for that man. I held the box between my legs and lifted out the necklace, surprised when it did indeed go over my head. The necklace fell so th
e infinity symbol was at my throat and the star was hidden between my breasts.
I leaned back and rested my hand over it, allowing the tears to roll down my face. My stomach churned with the unspoken feelings of love I would never be able to share with him. At least not in the way he had shared his with me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
HAYES
A clatter assaulted my ears and something fell to my desk. I jumped backward from surprise. “Ange, what the fu—” I paused when she lowered her brow at me. “What the heck?” I asked, grumpier than normal for a Friday.
“Your keys,” she said, motioning at the ring, her diamond engagement ring glinting off the sunlight streaming in the window.
I clapped slowly. “Very good, little girl. Those are keys. Should we spell the word together?”
“Shut up, asshole,” she spat, but she was laughing.
“Did I forget them or something?” I asked, pocketing the key to my new SUV. Shortly after Christmas, I traded in the Mercedes sports car for an SUV I could actually drive in the snow. As much as I wanted a Ford, I bought a Mercedes because my accountant told me I needed to spend some money. I could spend money easily, but I’d prefer it wasn’t on myself, which is why I had spent the last month working on charitable endeavors with my mother.
“No, I want you to use them,” she explained, one hand on her hip.
“Did I miss an appointment?” I pushed papers off my desk blotter to find my calendar.
“Yes, in Cashmere Canoe,” she said, pointedly.
“For the love of God, it’s camp!” I growled, their infuriating habit of calling it everything but the right name had worn thin.
A snarky grin took shape on her face. “Oh, no, Hayes. I meant the town. Your mind jumped right to the camp. Weird how that works.”
I gritted my teeth and worked hard not to cuss at her. “Ange, I’m not going to Cashmere Creek or Cashmere Camp. I have work to do.”
She shook her head with authority, her arms crossed over her chest. “Nope, you don’t. I’ve cleared your calendar until Monday.”
“What? Why? I had an important meeting this afternoon.”
“I might have mentioned to him that you were sick and rescheduled it for Wednesday.”
“Ange, I’m not sick!” I exploded, leaning on the desk in an attempt to look menacing.
“Yes, you are. Lovesick, at the very least. If you keep up this schedule of run all day so you fall into bed at night and pass out, you’ll be more than lovesick. Go see her and either get her out of your system or bring her back here, but make a damn decision, would you? We’re all sick of dealing with your grumpy ass. No one even likes you here anymore.”
I lowered my butt to the chair. “What are you talking about? Everyone loves me. I’ve changed this company for the better in the last two months.”
She nodded, lowering herself to the edge of a chair in front of my desk. “You have, and for that, they do love you, but you’re making everyone miserable with your miserableness.”
“I’m not miserable.”
“Sure, and I’m not the assistant for the grumpiest man at Rutherford Designs.”
I rolled my eyes to the ceiling, possibly giving myself a headache in the process. “Your point?”
“My point is, you’re miserable.”
“Which you’ve already said.”
“I’m saying it again, for emphasis. The thing is, you don’t have to be miserable. Legit, the reason you’re miserable lives less than three hours from here. Go see her.”
I rubbed my hands on my pants to come up with an excuse, any excuse, not to go see her. “I’m busy. I’m not finished with the project yet. She has my number.”
“Any other clichés you can think of?” She worked hard to hide her smile at her own smart-aleck remark. “How about, she’s not interested in a guy like me, or, we’re too different to find common ground. Well, other than the bedroom, of course.”
“Says the woman who was sleeping with my brother for a year and forgot to mention it.”
It was her turn to roll her eyes. “First of all, I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t kiss and tell. Second of all, I thought we’d cleared that up.”
I brushed my hand at her. “We have. I was being snarky because you’re annoying the piss out of me this morning.”
She laughed then. Loudly. It annoyed me even more. “No, you were being snarky because I hit the nail on the head and you don’t want to admit you love this woman and can’t live without her.”
I stood and leaned on my desk. “You know, just because you’re all lovey-dovey and getting married doesn’t mean everyone has to be.”
“Absolutely,” she agreed and I sat down again.
“Good, thanks for stopping by. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”
She didn’t get up, which wasn’t a good sign. Instead, she gave me the sigh of a woman who was charged with delivering a message she didn’t want to be part of. “Listen, Hayes, I don’t know what’s going through your head right now. I can’t pretend to know what happened out there at Cashmere Camp, but I do know you’re different. You’re softer. You allow emotion to be part of your life now. You tell people you care about them. Why is it so hard to do the same with her?”
I leaned back in my chair and gave up on my attempt at bluster. My chin fell to my chest and my eyes closed. She was right, but there was a difference between being right and having what you want. One is attainable, the other isn’t.
“Hayes?” she asked, resting her arms on the desk and laying her chin on her hands, something she was always doing during deep planning sessions. “You don’t have to live this life alone, you know. It’s okay to need someone.”
“It’s not about that, Ange.” I sighed, wondering how to explain this without baring too much of my soul.
Her hand snaked across the desk to rest over mine. “What is it about then, Hayes? We’ve been friends for years and I know you as well as I know any girlfriend I have. I can see how much Mercy has stolen the heart I didn’t even know you had.”
I chuckled, her words lifting my spirits a bit. “I laugh because you aren’t too far from the truth. I forgot how to use my heart after the incident.”
“You mean after you took a man’s life to save two others, and you still can’t forgive yourself for it.”
I shrugged, my eyes opening and staring right into her green pair. “I feel like I have to hold onto what I did so I never go there again. I never want to be so consumed by jealousy and rage that I think it’s okay to threaten a woman and a child. What you don’t understand is, Mercy is exactly like me.”
She lifted her head and took my hand in both of hers from across the desk. “I do understand it. Caleb told me the whole sordid story. He explained what happened to Mercy, and like you, it came down to a man who thought it was okay to threaten a woman. She didn’t walk away unscathed though, did she?”
I shook my head, my thoughts immediately going to Justice and how much she suffered silently with the pain some days. I remembered being in the hot tub and massaging her arm, watching as she visibly relaxed under my hands for the first time in the week I’d been there.
“She’s a complicated woman,” I answered. “Complicated to the point she may never be able to accept love from another man.”
She sat up and rested on her forearms. “Maybe not, but could it hurt to try? Could it hurt to shower love upon her? Maybe it would do the exact opposite of what you think and heal her. Maybe our family is exactly what she needs. Maybe she needs a mom like Jocelyn who would put her arm around her shoulders and lead her into the kitchen for warm food and loving hugs. Maybe she needs a jokester like Caleb who would tease her, but at the same time, offer her unconditional love. Maybe she needs the joy Huey and Katrina can offer with open, kind, loving childhood hearts. Maybe she can find healing in the shared experience Sarah can commiserate with her about.”
“I hadn’t thought about it, to be honest. It never crossed my mind th
at I would be able to convince her to leave Cashmere Camp long enough to meet everyone. She’s very territorial and rarely leaves the camp, even for supplies.”
“Because she’s afraid, Hayes.”
I shook my head, the truth hitting me in the gut. “No, she’s ashamed,” I whispered, leaning over my knees and putting my head in my hand. “She’s ashamed someone will find out the truth about her.”
“She’s also afraid,” Ange whispered. “She’s afraid of going out and seeing people. She’s afraid she might want a different life than the self-punishment she’s inflicted upon herself.”
I sat up and leaned on the headrest of my chair. “You’re probably right.”
She shook her head and rolled her eyes to the ceiling. “No, I am right. I’m always right, you just try to pretend my decisions are yours.”
I burst out laughing, the fist around my heart loosening a tad. “Again, you’re right.”
She winked and stood, bracing her arms on the desk. “Your bag is in the car. Your calendar is cleared. There’s a reservation for you at a little motel in Cashmere Creek in case you can’t stay at the camp. Pack up your other necessities now and get the hell out of here. Go convince that woman you’re worth taking a chance on. We can manage here for a few days without you.”
I stood and strode around the desk, grabbing her in a tight hug. “Thanks, Ange. You’re the best.”
She rubbed my back for a few moments. “That’s why you pay me the big bucks.”
We stood locked in a comforting embrace and I chuckled along with her. “It’s the one thing I got right all those years ago. I’ll go, but only because I did promise Mercy I’d be back. She might not forgive me for waiting two months, though.”
She released me and shrugged her strong shoulder. “I’m a woman, and I can promise you, if she has any feelings for you whatsoever, the amount of time you’ve been gone won’t matter. What will matter is the fact that you came back. She had to have seen the news. She’ll understand what you’ve been dealing with. Talk to her. Be honest with her. Open your heart to her. While she might be aggravated you waited so long, your charming ways will have her falling into your bed again in no time.”
The Secrets Between Us (Billionaire CEO Romance) Page 19