by Damon Suede
“I, uh….” Andy’s brow creased. “Of course, man. You don’t ever have to ask.”
Ruben went to his old room—the guest room—and peeled out of the musty clothes, revealing his gritty and bruised body to the mirror. He didn’t need to go to the hospital, but the bruises on his ribcage looked like an Everglades sunset. He’d pay for that tomorrow.
He could only handle lukewarm water, but seeing the grime and blood swirl down the drain felt right. Whatever came next, at least he felt clean. Afterward, he pulled on jeans and didn’t bother with a shirt. Too hot, too sore.
When he emerged, he didn’t find Andy in the office or the kitchen or the living room, till he looked through the double-height windows. “I see you.”
Andy sat on the terrace with his feet propped up on the ledge, handsome and tired under the July sky.
Ruben tugged open the door and, sure enough, found Andy relaxed, no shark left in him now.
Andy stood. “Well, hey.” Tired blink.
“How’s tricks?” Ruben nosed into the nape of his neck. “You’re gonna get a sunburn.”
“Before you say anything.” Andy looked down at the street below and back. “I wanna say something.”
“That can’t be good.”
“I’d like for you to stay here.”
“Tonight?”
“For a start. For more. For good.”
“Nah. I think you probably need some space for a while.” Ruben shook his head. “And, uh, I think I’ve gotta get my ass to a meeting. Work my Steps right.” Moral inventory. He’d need a sponsor.
“I want to be part of that. If you’ll let me.”
“I lied. All this. I lied to myself. My bullshit Fourth Step. Peach. I don’t even know where to start.”
“You take a step. We’ll figure it out.”
“I’m not… that’s not how it works.” Ruben sighed. “I’m not s’posedta even date for the first year in the program.”
“But—” Andy looked back again. “But people get sober without leaving their families. I mean, AA doesn’t make you break up.”
“Of course not. I never should’ve let any of this happen. We shouldn’t.”
“Well, maybe not. Maybe that’s so. But this isn’t theoretical anymore, Rube. We’re not just dating, are we?”
“I guess not.”
“I mean, are we? You live here. I love you. I want you to get clean and be happy.” Deep breath. “With me.”
“You don’t know that.” Ruben didn’t feel like he could control where this was headed.
“I do know. I’m being serious now. I know what your Steps are; I did my due diligence. And I say we’re together. Do you agree?” The son of a bitch was negotiating their relationship.
Ruben fought the smile.
“And if you need me to move things or do things to take away temptation—”
Ruben filled his lungs with hot, wet oxygen, drowning in midair. “No, Andy. Look. Nobody gets sober living in luxe with a cool job and supermodels fucking you stupid. Seriously. I gotta do it in a bar, surrounded by friends who put the poison in your hands and beg you to kill yourself. I gotta put my foot down wherever I am. I gotta stand up because I refuse to lie down and die.” Peach would’ve kicked his ass for talking like that. A lot of drunks used sobriety to wag their fingers at the world. Just another kind of control. Another way to sidestep your shitty life. One more excuse to be an inauthentic asshole. “I’m sorry.”
“For what? You’re right.”
“Maybe I am, but if so it’s accidental.” Ruben moved to stand in front of him. “I’m a dry drunk trying to get sober. That’s my shit. Has nothing to do with you. The life I wrecked is the one I was given. I got no right to lecture anybody. That’s the point. Alcohol isn’t an excuse. I’ve got no excuse for anything. No one does.”
“You never lecture—”
Ruben held up a hand. “What I’m saying is, nothing is free. Not one thing. We get the life we pay for.”
Andy shook his head.
“I don’t mean money or accidents. I mean by standing up. Working hard. Taking lumps. Telling the truth.” Ruben sniffed. “Serious.”
“Put your foot down.”
Ruben smiled and squeezed his hand. “Exactly. One step and then another. Peach used to say—” He smiled at the memory. Menthol smoke curling in his mind. “Sobriety isn’t an excuse for being a dick.”
Andy stood, watching him warily.
“I used to believe that money fixed shit. Wrong. I figured growing up with all this, having toys”—Ruben waved at the penthouse—“made things easier.”
“Yeah, no.”
“Well, I get that now. Duh. For all my price tag bullshit, I never thought about what it cost. Cost you, I mean. Changed you.”
“Ruben, it’s different now. I’m different.”
“Nah. We’re all exactly the same. We never change, really, down at the bone. We shed our skin, but we’re still snakes underneath, all of us, always.”
“Goddammit! Will you stop?” Andy pushed a hand into his hair and scratched his scalp roughly.
Ruben sighed, grabbing his nerve before it slithered back into hiding.
“I feel like you’re about to say something horrible.”
“I am.” Ruben laughed and fell silent.
To his credit, Andy let him take the time he needed to look at the sky, to take that breath, to count his heartbeats and take one final step off this glass cliff to face the hard ground rushing at him.
“I love you, Andrew Bauer.” Finally Ruben looked up.
Andy’s jaw clenched. His blue-gray eyes looked enormous.
Ruben smiled, weak with relief. “Which has to be the weirdest, craziest, dumbest, smartest thing I ever did. I love you in a way that makes hard work easier. Makes bad choices clear. Makes me safe from myself. And that shit’s not easy. It’s sharp, like a serrated knife, and it hurts. You cut away everything that isn’t me. But I’m not saying that to guilt you into anything or make a scene. I’m saying it because it’s the truth and you deserve to hear it from me. Okay? I’m being serious.”
Andy nodded, not a smile back exactly, but the dimple did its thing. “You oughtta punch me and beat tracks. Run for the hills. I’d say you’re an idiot to care about me at all.”
Ruben frowned. “Why?”
“I’m not what you think I am, Rube.”
“Likewise, jerk. Who is? That’s part of the deal, I think. Two people get so tangled up there’s no pulling them apart.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Well, luckily I get to decide. It’s my hurt. My heart. And I don’t want it to stop.”
Andy smiled. “Well, me either.”
“You know what I mean.” Ruben swallowed. “Loving you.”
“Oh.”
Silence.
Andy reached and laced their fingers. Cream and coffee.
Sun licked their limbs and, for the first time, they were touching in the light.
Ruben squinted at the sky, suddenly conscious of the street sounds and the breeze playing across his skin. “The whole world can see.”
“Good.” Andy sighed with undisguised contentment. “They should.”
The penthouse floated above all the surrounding buildings. Ruben remembered Daria’s relatives sitting in their windows and understood why architects called these buildings high-rises. He and Andy had climbed a mountain. Safe. Unless reporters swooped by in a helicopter, and if they did, who cared?
Not me.
Andy started to say something, but Ruben caught his eye and barely shook his head, asking for a chance to stand there together in the sun outside the glass walls.
He smiled up at the sky.
Andy squeezed his fingers. “Next step?”
“Steps, huh?” Nod. He missed Peach just then. “I think I’ve got more than a couple. It’s gonna take a while to put my foot down.”
Andy asked, “What about a job?”
Ruben looked at the penthouse a
round them. “Uh, I think you’re okay on finances.”
“I might get bored. Idle hands. Who knows what I might get up to in your absence?” Andy raised his hands, tickle-ready.
Ruben laughed and swatted at Andy’s jabbing fingers. “Well, I mean to keep you out of trouble. You’re good with accounts. My brother might need a bookkeeper.”
“That’s not half-bad.” Andy laughed and then stopped. “Nine-to-five actually sounds fun.”
“Only because you’ve never done it. And I need to find an apartment.”
Andy didn’t break. “I gotta place. Maybe you can crash.”
“And burn.” Hand on Andy’s arm. Ruben squeezed and pulled. Face-to-face in the hot light.
Big grin. “Sounds great to me.” He leaned forward, but let Ruben erase the space between their mouths. The kiss was solid and simple, with a puzzle-piece calm that made the world stop spinning.
Ruben broke first to whisper, “S’pose I’m gonna have to keep an eye on you, pintón.”
“One eye.” Andy grinned. “That all?”
“Hardly.” Ruben knocked him back against the wall of glass, and raw pleasure skittered over Andy’s face.
Andy spoke with undisguised contentment. “Help. Stop. Don’t.”
The sun touched their skin gently. Ruben took a deep breath and exhaled in happy relief.
“That was some sigh, sir. What seems to be the problem?”
“Gonna sound paranoid, Bauer, but I’m pretty sure I’m in terrible danger.” The smile stretched Ruben’s face.
Andy grinned back and leaned forward with lazy confidence. “Why?”
“Just a feeling.” Ruben tapped his heart.
“Good.” Andy stepped in, trapping his hand there. “I’ll protect you.”
More from Damon Suede
Bad Idea: Some mistakes are worth making.
Reclusive comic book artist Trip Spector spends his life doodling supersquare, straitlaced superheroes, hiding from his fans, and crushing on his unattainable boss until he meets the dork of his dreams. Silas Goolsby is a rowdy FX makeup creator with a loveless love life and a secret streak of geek who yearns for unlikely rescues and a truly creative partnership.
Against their better judgment, they fall victim to chemistry, and what starts as infatuation quickly grows tender and terrifying. With Silas’s help, Trip gambles his heart and his art on a rotten plan: sketching out Scratch, a “very graphic novel” that will either make his name or wreck his career. But even a smash hit can’t save their world if Trip retreats into his mild-mannered rut, leaving Silas to grapple with betrayal and emotions he can’t escape.
What will it take for this dynamic duo to discover that heroes never play it safe?
HORN GATE: Open at your own risk.
Librarian Isaac Stein spends his lumpy, lonely days restoring forgotten books, until the night he steals an invitation to a scandalous club steeped in sin. Descending into its bowels, he accidentally discovers Scratch, a wounded demon who feeds on lust.
Consorting with a mortal is a bad idea, but Scratch can’t resist the man who knows how to open the portal that will free him and his kind. After centuries of possessing mortals, he finds himself longing to surrender.
To be together, Isaac and Scratch must flirt with damnation and escape an inhuman trafficking ring—and they have to open their hearts or they will never unlock the Horn Gate.
Where there’s smoke, there’s fire…
Since 9/11, Brooklyn firefighter Griff Muir has wrestled with impossible feelings for his best friend and partner at Ladder 181, Dante Anastagio. Unfortunately, Dante is strictly a ladies’ man, and the FDNY isn’t exactly gay-friendly. For ten years, Griff has hidden his heart in a half-life of public heroics and private anguish.
Griff’s caution and Dante’s cockiness make them an unbeatable team. To protect his buddy, there’s nothing Griff wouldn’t do… until a nearly bankrupt Dante proposes the worst possible solution: HotHead.com, a gay porn website where uniformed hunks get down and dirty. And Dante wants them to appear there—together. Griff may have to guard his heart and live out his darkest fantasies on camera. Can he rescue the man he loves without wrecking their careers, their families, or their friendship?
Readers love Hot Head by Damon Suede
Named by Goodreads as one of the
“Top 100 Romance Novels of All Time” in 2014
A Romantic Times “Favorite Firefighters in romance” on 9/11/2012
A Band of Thebes Best LGBT Book of 2012
“Up front, this is one of the best M/M romances I have read lately… The story is simple but hot as hell… It had that level of romanticism that makes your heart ache good…”
—Elisa’s Reviews and Ramblings
“The one thing this book has that no other does is Mr. Damon Suede and his unique and authentic voice… A raw, emotional, very hot, worth-every-penny read! Awarded the Golden Nib: for books that knock our socks off!”
—Miss Love Loves Books
“Grip-you-by-the-gut angst … and Mr. Suede’s unique, fascinating voice … Wildly entertaining and fresh … I just could not put this book down.”
—Laurel, Readers’ Roundtable
“All of the usual formulas apply: friends-to-lovers, gay-for-you, out-for-you, gay-for-money, all of this with the hottest, most steamy homoerotic sex scenes I’ve read, and yet… the story is about none of that and so much more than that…”
—Viv Santos, Queer’d Magazine
“This book is sexy, fun, hot, interesting and the best book of my summer… Man, I couldn’t put it down… I’m not going to tell you anything else except that you gotta buy it and read it!”
—Stephen Jackson, TLAGay.com
“If you are looking for an emotional, unique story filled with hunky firemen, scorching hot sex that will blow your mind and romance that is based in friendship, then grab Hot Head.”
—Love Romances and More Reviews
“Talk about steamy hot men and lots of emotion! You’ve got it and more in Hot Head. … If you want a heartwarming story, filled with lots of heat in all sorts of ways, grab a copy…”
—Whipped Cream Reviews
“Damon Suede has written Hot Head as a multi-layered novel that weaves multiple stories together. It is beautifully staggered and coiled so that the various tiers mesh and become one well-written narrative.”
—BlackRaven’s Reviews
“A powerful, epic, bold romance. Very erotic. Very emotional. The unrequited love is so wrenching [and the] final union is so earned and worthwhile.”
—Book Robot Reviews
DAMON SUEDE grew up out-n-proud deep in the anus of right-wing America, and escaped as soon as it was legal. Having lived all over, he’s earned his crust as a model, a messenger, a promoter, a programmer, a sculptor, a singer, a stripper, a bookkeeper, a bartender, a techie, a teacher, a director… but writing has ever been his bread and butter. He has been happily partnered for over a decade with the most loving, handsome, shrewd, hilarious, noble man to walk this planet.
Damon is a proud member of the Romance Writers of America and currently the president of its LGBT romance chapter, the Rainbow Romance Writers. Though new to gay romance fiction, Damon has been writing for print, stage, and screen for two decades, which is both more and less glamorous than you might imagine. He’s won some awards, but counts his blessings more often: his amazing friends, his demented family, his beautiful husband, his loyal fans, and his silly, stern, seductive Muse who keeps whispering in his ear, year after year.
Damon would love to hear from you….
Website: www.DamonSuede.com
Goodreads: www.goodreads.com/damonsuede
Facebook: www.facebook.com/damon.suede
By Damon Suede
Bad Idea
Horn Gate
Hot Head
Pent Up
Available from DREAMSPINNER PRESS
www.dreamspinnerpress.com
Published by
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DREAMSPINNER PRESS
5032 Capital Circle SW, Suite 2, PMB# 279, Tallahassee, FL 32305-7886 USA
www.dreamspinnerpress.com
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of author imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Pent Up
© 2015 Damon Suede.
Cover Art
© 2015 Paul Richmond.
http://www.paulrichmondstudio.com
Cover content is for illustrative purposes only and any person depicted on the cover is a model.
All rights reserved. This book is licensed to the original purchaser only. Duplication or distribution via any means is illegal and a violation of international copyright law, subject to criminal prosecution and upon conviction, fines, and/or imprisonment. Any eBook format cannot be legally loaned or given to others. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the Publisher, except where permitted by law. To request permission and all other inquiries, contact Dreamspinner Press, 5032 Capital Circle SW, Suite 2, PMB# 279, Tallahassee, FL 32305-7886, USA, or www.dreamspinnerpress.com.
ISBN: 978-1-62798-050-0
Digital ISBN: 978-1-62798-464-5
Library of Congress Control Number: 2015950525
First Edition November 2015
Printed in the United States of America
Table of Contents
Blurb
Dedication
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE