As they reached the table Tim leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. There followed a moment of awkwardness as Catherine came face to face with her children. She sensed their confusion matched her own as the correct form of greeting was established. Take it slowly, Catherine advised herself.
‘Your hair has grown,’ she said, reaching out to touch Lucy’s fine, silken locks. Her daughter did not recoil as she had expected. She simply stood still, unsure what to do next. ‘And you,’ she said, turning to Jess. ‘Your eyes sparkle like those sequins there.’
Both girls just stood and looked at her. Catherine looked to Tim for guidance. He assisted the girls into their chairs and pushed their legs beneath the table.
A waiter approached immediately and laid down menus for them all, although Catherine was sure that she detected a slight sniff when he glanced at the girls. Her sudden appraisal of the recently opened Malaysian restaurant told her that Lucy and Jess were the only children in the building.
Tim ordered soft drinks for the children and a bottle of wine while she busied herself perusing the menu. Her throat had dried and tightened. She felt panicky and had no idea what to say to the girls.
‘Shall we order straight away?’ she asked, hoping the choice would give them something to talk about.
Tim seemed surprised by her speed. Normally, when dining out, she preferred to savour the menu over a half glass of wine and leisurely make her choice, but tonight wasn’t like any normal night.
‘I think I’ll go for Loh Bak,’ she said, brightly. She had tried the pork and prawn rolls elsewhere and hoped that these would live up to her memory.
Tim took a little more time and Catherine took the opportunity to appraise him. He looked tired and a little pale. Although he’d been keeping her up to date with all the presents he was buying for the girls, the task of single parenthood as Christmas approached must be taking its toll on him. Yet, she realised, not once had he complained. Instinctively, she reached across the table and squeezed his hand.
Without words she hoped that the love and respect she felt for him was reflected in her gaze. She hoped it was true that eyes were the reflection of the soul because if so he would be left in no doubt as to the way she felt about him.
‘I’ll go for Sambal Sotong.’
Catherine pulled a face. ‘Squid?’
He laughed at her expression. ‘Live dangerously.’
She shook her head. ‘Jess?’
‘Can I have a hamburger, please?’
Tim leaned over towards her. ‘They don’t do hamburgers here, sweetheart. Let’s have a look at the menu together.’
Catherine was amazed at the ease with which he communicated with the children and not for the first time felt a little envious. She wished it came as naturally to her.
‘Lucy, have you chosen?’ she asked, aware that her eldest was sitting silently.
Lucy pointed at the first item on the menu. Cili Udang.
‘That’s chilli prawns. Are you sure that’s what you want?’
Lucy first nodded and then shook her head and Catherine sensed that she was just ordering the first thing she saw so that she was no trouble.
Catherine leaned over the menu. ‘Shall we choose something together that you might like a bit more?’
Lucy nodded and looked up at her with absolute trust in her eyes. How can you do that? Catherine wondered silently, looking into the innocent eyes. Her gaze travelled to Lucy’s cheek and without thinking she reached out and touched the soft, warm skin where her hand had struck two and a half months ago. Contempt shrouded her and she wondered how long it would be before the invisible handprint would fade from her daughter’s face.
‘Are you okay?’ Tim asked.
Catherine nodded, pulling herself together.
‘We’ve decided on Satay Ayam over here.’
Catherine turned to Lucy, whose gaze hadn’t altered. So lovely, so trusting. ‘That’s chicken pieces on a stick. You have to pull them off, like this,’ Catherine said, demonstrating.
Lucy again nodded.
The waiter approached and Tim recited their order. As the waiter moved away he left an uneasy silence at the table.
‘How are Beth and Alex?’ Tim asked.
Catherine relaxed slightly. Something that she could talk about. ‘I’m still a little worried about Beth. She seems to act as though nothing has happened. I’m concerned that the memories have been buried again. I talk to her almost every day and try to prompt her to talk about things but she always manages to swing the conversation away. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by trying to push her.’
‘You’re not an expert, love. Has she spoken to anyone, a professional I mean?’
‘She evades the subject every time I try to mention it. As long as I talk to her about normal everyday things she’s quite content and animated, but as soon as I broach any difficult subjects she just clams up and gets off the phone as quickly as possible. Even Alex is calling her every few days to see if she can get anywhere.’
‘And how is Alex?’
Catherine told him all about the meeting at AA and the difference it seemed to have made to her sister. She told him about their daily conversations that were now sometimes being initiated by Alex. She was in the process of recounting their earlier conversation when their food was delivered to the table.
The mixture of aromas immediately assaulted her senses. The smell of coriander from her own dish mingled with the ginger from the chicken dish. Lucy and Jess surveyed their own plates but said nothing.
Suddenly, like a bolt from the sky, Catherine realised that throughout her conversation with Tim the girls had remained silent and unmoving. She watched as they communicated silently across the table as only twins can and made a pact with each other. Catherine was surprised that she could tell what had transpired between them. Neither of them liked the look of what they’d been served but had mutually agreed to silently eat it anyway.
The horror of the situation crept up on her. Her children were behaving like two painted dolls. She was reminded of the three wise monkeys and instead of seeing her daughters sitting either side of her she suddenly saw the automatons that they were trying to be.
She glanced around at the stillness of the restaurant. Couples were engaging in intimate conversations. The lighting was low and romantic. Malaysian music played in the background but did nothing to soften the staid, upright atmosphere of the surroundings. It was a first-date venue, ideal for talking softly and getting to know each other. It was not suitable for a family meal.
Catherine dropped her fork, caring little for the noise she made. ‘Tim, what the hell are we doing here?’
‘Huh?’
‘Hurry and pay the bill,’ she instructed, breathlessly. There was no way she was going to be able to get to know her daughters in a place like this.
Tim left the table and approached the maître d’. Catherine could tell that Tim was having to explain that there was nothing wrong with the food. She didn’t care.
She took a deep breath and removed her safety rope. Would she fall? She leaned down conspiratorially. ‘Come here,’ she said to the girls who looked at each other before lowering their heads. ‘On the way here I saw an ice rink with a couple of rides and some stalls. Would you like to go?’
‘Can I have a burger?’ Jess asked, wide-eyed.
At that moment Catherine felt a rush of love that had previously been alien to her. She had the strong urge to gather Jess up in her arms and thank her for not being the robot she seemed to be.
‘Of course you can.’
‘And candyfloss?’ Lucy asked, quietly.
‘As much as you like.’
‘What’s going on here?’ Tim asked, with a strange look in his eyes.
‘I’d like to go ice skating and the girls have agreed to come along and make sure I’m safe.’
Tim laughed at her expression. ‘Let’s go.’
Catherine followed them out of the restaurant and
floundered for a second. On one hand she felt alive and strangely carefree but on the other she felt frightened, terrified that she couldn’t do this, that she would never love them as a mother should. Getting to know her daughters was too huge an obstacle to overcome.
Tim handed her Lucy’s coat and woollens as he turned to Jess. She knelt down to Lucy’s level and froze, not knowing what to do. Suddenly her old fears came back to haunt her and she remembered how she had felt about the children when they were born. Doubt rendered her immobile.
‘I can do it, Mummy,’ Lucy said, taking her breath away.
Catherine lifted her head and met the questioning eyes of her daughter. ‘How about we do it together?’
Lucy nodded and squirmed into the coat. Catherine pulled up the hood and double-looped the scarf around her neck.
Feeling a little more comfortable, Catherine glanced at the progress of Tim and Jess. ‘I think we’re going to win,’ she said, smiling at Lucy.
Lucy quickly pulled on the mittens and declared herself the winner.
‘Unfair,’ Tim cried. ‘We didn’t even know that we were racing.’
As they left the stifling cocoon of the atmosphere Jess glanced over but said nothing. Even beneath the street lamp Catherine could read the suspicion in her eyes. It occurred to Catherine that she had always known it was going to be harder with Jess. Although she’d never been close to either of them the silences between her and Lucy had always been a little easier, less fraught with the accusations of her shortcomings as a mother.
Tim opened the driver’s door.
‘Let’s walk. It’s only a few streets away,’ Catherine said. Although the night was cold, it was clear and crisp and the pavements were empty.
The girls fell into step together in front and Catherine automatically linked her arm through Tim’s.
‘How is everything at the house?’ Despite her absence from their home she often went to sleep thinking of the green Christmas tree with frosted branches that sparkled beneath the fairy lights. She imagined the tinsel above the fireplace and the two woollen stockings hanging either side of the fire. She wondered if Tim had attached the card holders to the door. It was a job that had become ritualistic for her to remind him to do.
‘Bare.’
She pulled her arm from inside its comfortable resting place. ‘Tim, you have to decorate the house. Just because I’m not there it’s not fair on the girls…’
‘They won’t let me.’
‘Don’t be silly. They love to decorate the tree.’
‘They’ve always done it with you. They won’t let me get the tree until you’re home to do it with them. Lucy went into a sulk when I tried and Jess threatened to burn the thing down. And knowing Jess as we do, I felt I had to take that little threat seriously.’
Catherine replaced her arm against Tim’s, her palm wrapped around his forearm. How could her girls feel like that after all that she’d put them through, after her distance for the whole of their lives? How could they feel that way?
‘You didn’t think they’d notice that you’d gone, did you?’
Catherine shook her head. ‘It really was the right thing to do. I did it for their sake.’
‘And now?’ Tim asked, hopefully.
‘I’m working on it, sweetheart. I really am.’
Lucy and Jess turned the corner two seconds before Catherine and Tim, who almost walked into the back of them. They had come face to face with a big wheel, a skating rink and a few brightly lit stalls. It was as though the sight of the amusements flicked a switch in both her daughters. The air was filled with animated chatter of ‘Can I…?’, ‘Will you…?’, ‘Does it…?’
Catherine laughed at their sudden animation. It was as though someone had suddenly cut away the strings that had bound them.
‘I want a hamburger,’ Jess cried.
‘I want one of those,’ Lucy said, pointing to a wooden hut selling frankfurters.
Catherine realised it was a festive German market that encircled the perimeter of the ice rink.
‘I am feeding them, honest. It’s just a little past their supper time.’ Tim said.
‘I can understand how they feel. The smell is delicious.’
They headed over to the food stands and bought an assortment of food which they ate as they perused the stalls. Christmas had never meant a lot to Catherine but on this night, viewing hand-crafted candle holders and her daughters’ wonder, she began to feel the festive spirit within her. Gentle carols wafted from speakers around the rink. A glass of sweet mulled wine with added rum and orange brought a warm flush to her cheeks.
‘I want some chestnuts,’ Jess cried, as they passed another vendor.
‘No, Jess, you’ve had quite enough,’ Tim said, firmly.
‘I want chestnuts,’ she screamed, upping the verbal ante.
‘I said no. You’ve eaten very late as it is and I don’t want you up with stomach ache all night.’
‘I want—’
‘Oh Jess, shut up,’ Lucy said.
Catherine felt all the warning signs of a major tantrum from Jess. Her back began to straighten and tension entered her shoulder muscles. This was her cue to turn and run. She had never been able to deal with Jess’s tantrums. The whole night had been too good to be true. She walked on a few steps. Tim always knew how to handle these situations and it was better if she didn’t get involved.
‘Shut up yourself,’ Jess screamed in Lucy’s face.
Catherine hunched slightly as protection against the shrill voice that had the power to wind her up like a clockwork toy.
‘You always want what you can’t have. You’re spoilt.’
At Lucy’s words Catherine turned, ready to intervene but not sure how. Her militant methods had failed miserably in the past. As she looked at her daughters in a face-off she waited for the familiar feelings of despair mixed with anger mixed with impatience mixed with rage. None came.
Instead she found it amazing how Jess’s eyes flashed a different colour when she was angry and how, despite her aggressive posture, Lucy refused to back down. Catherine had never noticed these things before. She stood and watched them for a moment longer, eager to find out more about her children. The shouting of her youngest daughter went over her head as she observed the total passion and conviction that accompanied every word. By contrast Lucy remained as cool as a cucumber and didn’t rise or react to any of Jess’s insults. Her face remained a mask of control. Catherine was mesmerised by these qualities in her children.
Tim sighed beside her and suddenly the fatigue she’d seen in his face earlier returned and doubled. Her heart ached for the position she’d put him in, but she would never regret her decision to leave. It had been right for them.
Without realising what she was doing Catherine moved forward and placed herself between her two girls, facing Jess. She lowered herself to her haunches so that her face was almost at equal level to Jess’s. Confusion reigned in the eyes of her youngest daughter and Catherine saw her body prepare itself for incoming rage.
‘Jess, you’ve had enough to eat. You can’t be hungry,’ she said, reasonably.
Jess frowned and opened her mouth to argue, despite the suspicion in her eyes.
‘I don’t think you’re going to be able to ice skate if you have any more food. I think you’ll be ill. Do you want to ice skate?’
Jess nodded, her gaze fixed on Catherine’s face, mesmerised by the gentle tone of her words.
‘Let’s go, then,’ Catherine said, simply.
Jess began walking in front and then hesitated as though she wasn’t sure what had just happened. Despite her confusion, she followed Lucy to the edge of the rink.
‘Nicely done,’ Tim said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
‘Not sure how many times that’ll actually work,’ Catherine admitted. ‘Although I did just learn something. I realised that although I can’t control Jess’s actions I can control my own and if I don’t rise to her anger it leaves he
r no place to go.’
‘Psychology of Parent, Child, Adult.’
Catherine nodded and smiled to herself as though she’d just developed a tar-free cigarette.
The girls were on the ice within minutes and took to it like prize-winning skaters. Catherine was not so sure. Once ice-borne her legs seemed intent on going in opposite directions and her arms flailed uselessly in thin air. For safety she began to stagger forward to stop herself from falling down but she realised too late that attempting to walk across the ice on blades was futile. She landed with a thud.
Within seconds Tim was beside her and helping her to her feet.
‘Hang on to me, for what that’s worth, and after a few trips round to show willing we’ll bow out and leave the kids to it.’
Catherine gratefully held on to Tim and although they increased their speed from humiliatingly awful to embarrassingly medium, they made little headway on the small graceful figures of the girls who skated hand in hand.
‘Okay, that’s enough for me,’ Catherine said, making a leap from the ice to solid ground. She sat down and took the tight skates off immediately. Tim did the same and exchanged the boots for their shoes.
‘How do they do it?’ Tim asked, shaking his head.
Catherine followed his gaze as the girls circled in front of them. Catherine was thrilled to see Lucy’s face alive with the pleasure of the experience. Her oldest child had always been far too serious and studious. It was a relief to see innocent, child-like joy in her serious eyes. For once she didn’t look like an adult in a small body. She looked how she should look, like a child.
‘I’ve quit my job,’ Catherine blurted out as the girls reached the far side of the rink.
‘What… why … I mean… Christ.’
Catherine laughed, understanding his shock. A few months ago her work had been the most important thing in her life and they had both known it. It had been her reason for getting up each morning. The point that she had to prove. The summit that she had to climb.
‘I wasn’t happy,’ she said, simply.
Dear Mother: A gripping and emotional story that will make you sob your heart out Page 19