by Karen Deen
“Just wait a moment. Don’t move.” Excusing myself, I go to the bathroom to clean up.
Climbing back into bed, I pull her into me, so I can tell her some home truths. My hands slowly rub her back feeling every muscle in her.
“You must see all the people who love you and think you are talented, amazing and driven. You have such a big heart. Look at all those students who you make smile every single day. They adore you.”
Her mind is thinking and taking in my comment, but I can tell she isn’t really listening to what I’m saying.
“They are only children who haven’t experienced the way society looks at you as an adult. They are innocent and are yet to face the hurt of failure or being made to feel useless or unworthy.” Again, her head starts to dip.
“Christ, Zara, look at me!” It comes out sterner than I mean to, but this needs to stop, and I intend to put an end to it. One way or another, I will let her know how special she is.
My raised voice makes her head instantly jerk up.
“I know you’ve been made to feel unwanted, like your dreams made you not fit in or a failure when you stumbled on hurdles. That’s all bullshit. No one should ever make you feel like that. No one has that right. You certainly don’t deserve to be carrying someone else’s baggage through your life. You need to be looking inside yourself and be proud of who you are and what you have achieved. You worked hard to reach your goal, despite being told it was a waste of time. Then when you were told your dream had died, you picked yourself up and turned that negative into a positive. You worked hard to get back to be dancing at your peak, and in the meantime, you built up one of the best dance studios around. One that has full classes every day. What part of all of that makes you useless or unworthy?”
Again, my passion for her makes it all come out harsher than intended but she need to hear it. She need to finally realize her worth.
“You hardly know me, Grant. What makes you think I’m all those things? How can you tell if I’m the person you seem to think I am?” She grows tense.
Now she’s pissing me off and I need to rein that in. As per usual we can’t go long without an argument. But hell, it’s got my dick standing to attention. Her feistiness gets me every time. I want to tie her to the bed and spank those negative thoughts out of her, and then fuck her until she goes limp. But that’s not what she needs. That will be a fantasy for another time.
What Zara needs right now is to feel loved and cared for. A love and caring that will let her believe her worthiness in this world. This is a role I’m happy to take on. Whether she wants me or not, I’m determined to show her how the world sees her.
Pulling back my anger, I take her cheek in my hand and lean in to kiss her forehead. It’s an act of pure love for her. I’m nowhere near the stage of telling Zara I love her. But deep down, I do. I just need to now show her what I can’t say yet.
“My beautiful girl, I don’t need to know your whole life to know you. I already know you in here.” Placing my hand on her heart she gives a little gasp. “In here is the woman who hides from the world, the one who under all the attitude and bravado has the biggest heart. That woman is the one who has a dream that needs to be lived. A dream that lives in that heart that helps make it so big. Just remember, that heart is so large there’s room in there for more than just that dream. That’s the part you need to finally open and let love in. Let me show you just what I mean, it’s better than words.”
I start to kiss her face, taking my time to cover every inch of her and whisper how beautiful she is. The muscles in her shoulders begin relaxing, although I know her mind is fighting me, her body gives in every time.
She turns her neck for me to start my decent, kissing, sucking and nipping. Tomorrow, not only will she feel where I’ve been, there will be faint marks to remind her what she has right here waiting.
“Grant,” she moans. “Why me? Why do want me?”
“Because I don’t know how to not want you. From that first moment you opened your mouth, I knew you were mine. Please, just be mine,” I whisper as I get ready to worship her breasts one at a time. Not like the first time, this will be soft and sensual. Sucking her nipple that’s so hard and full, I roll the other between my thumb and forefinger. Her breaths are deep and faster, her hips lifting slightly up and down to a rhythm. Nice try, Zara, but I’m not rushing. I want you to feel worshipped like the true goddess you are.
“Take this feeling, baby, and always know this is how I feel about you. The whole you, dreams and all.”
With my hands working their magic on her breasts, I let my lips wander down her chest and stomach. By this stage, Zara’s flat on her back. She’s surrendered to me. In this moment, she is mine.
The closer I get to her pleasure zone, the more her breathing increases. “I want you so much. Every single piece of you.” I whisper to her as I look up into her eyes and kiss her softly on the arch of her foot. I work my way up her right leg then the left. No part of her body goes untouched. I want to claim it all. Now and forever.
“Oh, Grant, I want you so much it hurts my heart. A hurt I know will never go away. Take me now. Give me that one moment where I feel free.”
“You will always fly free while you are with me, baby.” I run my fingers up and down her lips, spreading her wet juices over her folds. “You are free to be who you want to be.” Her moan tells me my words are as big a turn on as my fingers as I slip them into her. I massage her inside and out with my thumb now rubbing on her clitoris. It’s enough for the first wave of orgasm to start running through her body. This time, I’m not waiting. Reefing open a condom, I roll onto my back and take Zara with me.
“Take me, Zara. You have all the power. Take what you want from me.” I lift her so she straddles me. The fire is in her eyes. I have a feeling her problem is that she never feels like she has the power to take the love she wants and needs.
She doesn’t need to be told twice. Her strong dancer’s legs rise over the top of me, slowly torturing as she slides down my cock. We both moan simultaneously. The feeling of joining together always takes me high. It kills me not to grab her around the hips and drive up into her. I need to give this to her. Let her set the pace.
Slowly, she starts to ride me, rubbing her clit every time she moves forward. It’s overwhelming to know we’re making love for the first time. This isn’t fucking. This is so much more. The intensity of feelings becomes too much, and tears start to slide down Zara’s cheeks.
“No, baby girl, please don’t cry. Feel it, feel me.”
“I’m feeling too much, Grant. More than I know how to deal with.”
I can’t bear to see her tears, so I do the only thing I know how to stop them. I flip her back onto her back and grind into her. We make sweet passionate love over and over until she’s sound asleep wrapped in my arms. Right where she belongs.
Zara
Every muscle in my body feels where Grant was last night. Where he touched and kissed. Between my legs feels like it has been through a marathon. In all honesty it has. That man loves like no other.
I don’t want to open my eyes because it would mean it’s morning and that my night of pleasure is over. I’m stupid to think this is going to be easy to walk away from. I told him, one night only. I told him I would walk away, and he needed to let me.
I was kidding myself at the time and in all honesty, I knew it was going to feel like I’d been punched in the stomach. Yet, I still agreed because I’m selfish. Just for once, I want to know what it feels like. What Grant would feel like. The feeling of being wanted. I felt all that and more. That was the problem. I was expecting the feeling of lust and sexual chemistry and a night of good, hard fucking to fuck Grant out of my life for good.
Last night was so much more than that. Grant showed me what it’s like to be treasured, worshipped, cared for and loved. My heart races at that thought. How can Grant make me feel loved after a few days? It’s like I have known him forever and he knows my body inside a
nd out. He partnered me in the dance of love making like we had been dancing for years. This is going to hurt more than I can ever imagine. I’ll be walking away from the one man who really wants me.
Sensing I’m awake, Grant’s arms tighten around me, stroking me.
“Stop thinking, baby. I can hear you from here. Just relax. Let’s grab some breakfast and then we can talk. Does that sound okay?”
Opening my eyes, he’s right there. Right where I left him. Holding and protecting me from myself. I can’t take this any longer. I need to do this like a band-aid. If you rip it off fast, it hurts a lot but then the pain settles quicker.
I just need one more kiss to take with me. That last one that tells him I’m sorry and that I love him. I can never say it, but I feel every bit of it.
“Morning,” I whisper as I lean closer and take his face in my hands, our foreheads touching. I just breathe him into my soul. Thank you, Grant, I will never forget this. My lips find his and give him every emotion I’m feeling, and will continue to feel once I walk out the door.
“Wow, I will take that wake up every morning, thanks,” he chuckles as he kisses me again. This time the kiss heats up. I need to stop this, I have to run.
“Why don’t you have a shower while I put the coffee on. Take your time.”
“I’ve got a better idea, why don’t you join me in the shower.”
I jump up out of the bed while he lunges to smack my ass. “Very funny. Now get your hot ass out of bed into the shower and let me do what I need to do.” Smiling at him the best I can, on the inside my heart breaks into a thousand pieces.
Looking at me with slight curiosity, Grant slides out of the bed and wanders towards my bathroom. He looks back over his shoulder. “Last chance. Showers for two are better than one.” Oh God, the vision of him naked will be imprinted on my brain forever.
Trying so hard to hold it together, I wrap my robe around me. “Very funny. Towels are in the cabinet under the sink. Now get moving.” He closes the door and the first tear slips down my face. Once I hear the shower, I grab my gym clothes and throw them on. My gym bag’s already packed and at the door. I stand in the kitchen writing the hardest note, I’ve ever had to write. I have to get out of here before he comes out otherwise I will never leave. I made a promise to myself last night and I have to honor that promise.
Tears run thick and fast down my face as I run down the stairs to the street and take off to my car. Why is life always so cruel to me? Every time I almost find happiness it can never be. The rug gets pulled from under me and I’m flat on the floor again, trying to pick myself up. I’m not sure how many more times I can do this.
By the time I get to the gym, I try to pull myself together and make myself look presentable. Thank God I don’t have a mirror because I don’t need to see how shitty I look. I message Natalie and tell her I need her at the gym, no questions. I don’t know what else to do. As I burst through the door, striding across the floor, I hear Xavier laughing and trying to push a client to work harder. I’m not sure I can cope with him this morning. I’m fragile, and Xavier doesn’t understand fragile.
Nat spots me across the room and heads towards me. That’s it. I’m done. I sit on the nearest seat and she rushes to me, wrapping me in her arms and allowing me to sob uncontrollably. I can’t even speak to tell her what’s wrong, but she doesn’t push. She just lets me go until I run out of tears. Trying to breathe hurts my chest.
With her arms around me, Nat ushers me to the locker room so I could clean myself up and talk quietly. We sit in silence for a moment. I know I can’t keep it inside any longer.
“I slept with Grant. It was the most amazing night of my life. I don’t even know how to describe the feelings he brought out in me. I tried so hard to say no, I really did. You don’t understand the pull he has on me. He’s like a sexual magnet to me. I just wanted one night. One night to feel normal. To feel wanted. I never expected it to be like that. Now I’ve run out on him and left a note saying it can’t be more than last night. Telling him how sorry I am. Another time another place and all that bullshit. I have to stay true to my dream, don’t I? Tell me I have done the right thing, Nat. Tell me I haven’t just made the biggest mistake of my stupid life, again.”
Tears pour down my face. I thought I’d cried them all away. How wrong am I? There’s plenty more to be shed.
“Say something, please. I am dying on the inside, Nat. Tell me what to do.”
She wipes my face and looks sadly at me.
“You know I can’t answer your questions, don’t you? No one can make those big life decisions for you. Only you can do that. I know it’s hard and it hurts. It sucks big balls. You must remember though, you have been here before and survived and you will get over this hurdle, too. Now, let’s start with what you just told me.”
“Great friend you are,” I half-laugh, trying to pull myself together. “You’re supposed to have all the magical answers.”
“Well, gorgeous, sorry about that. I can’t even sort my own shit out and you expect me to sort out your life. Pfft, dream on.” We both let out a little giggle and then I rest my head on the sofa.
“How do I always manage to get into such shitty circumstances? I mean, I finally find the perfect man and the timing is completely screwed.”
“Why are you so convinced the timing isn’t right? Why can’t you have Grant and the position in New York? Long distance romances work for lots of people. I mean, it’s not as if he doesn’t have the money to be able to travel to visit you.”
Natalie is my closest friend, but I’m not sure she understands the demands of being part of a dance company. All shows are either at night, some days are two shows with matinees backed up with another show at night. I’ll be sleeping during the day. That doesn’t even take into account the strict fitness regime I would need to keep up. My whole life would be consumed by dance. A month ago, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more. Hell, even last week, my answer would be the same. Today, it has lost some of its appeal.
Today, all I can think of is that sexy as hell man who is probably standing in my apartment right now in a towel, pacing and pretty fucking angry with me. I turned my cell off after I messaged Natalie, knowing it would be blowing up with calls and messages from Grant. I am just not strong enough to talk to him yet. I just hope like hell he understands and follows my wishes. He made me a promise and I need him to keep it.
“I know it won’t work, Nat. The demands on me will be huge. There would be no time for Grant. He would start to resent me. I couldn’t hurt him like that. It is better this way and that gives him a chance to move on and find someone else to make him happy.”
Natalie looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind.
“I think there’s a few things you’ve missed in this equation of yours. Firstly, you know I love you dearly and support you but on the off-chance you don’t get in, then what happens? You have thrown away the chance to be blissfully happy. I mean, you don’t need to tell me, but the sex was good, wasn’t it? I mean, how could it not be. Your description had me swooning.” I don’t answer but my smile is enough. Good is a complete understatement. That’s something between Grant and me. Those memories are sacred to me now.
“Secondly, what if Grant doesn’t want to just move on? You know you don’t get to decide for him. You didn’t even give him a chance to talk to you about it. He is going to be pretty pissed, I reckon.”
“You think? I can just imagine what he’s yelling as he storms down the stairs to look for me. He doesn’t take not being in control very well and I seem to be the one who sets him off pretty easy. He will be at the studio by now banging the door down. That is why I came here. He doesn’t know I come here and I know I’ll be safe for a while. I’ll just have to wait it out until later today and then head home. Luckily, I don’t have classes tonight due to the school dance being on and most of my classes were going to be empty anyway. God, what a mess I’ve got myself into. If only I’d said no.” Sighing
, I look across at Nat.
“Yeah, right. If he didn’t fuck you last night, it would have been one night this week. He has you turned upside down, you’re wet just thinking about him. It isn’t a matter of if you fucked him, just a matter of when. Surely, you are smart enough to realize that?”
“Get lost. Why do you have to know me so well, bitch? If you have all the answers, tell me where to go from here.”
“You know what the answer is, Zara. You just have to work out how to do it. In the meantime, you have an audition to prepare for and while you sort out your fucked-up love life, you can get your ass to the gym and put in a solid work out.”
It’s the last thing I feel like doing. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and tell the world to go away and leave me alone.
Thinking for a minute, I know Nat’s right, it’s probably just what I need right now.
“Okay, you slave driver, let’s go. But no talk about men, sex or anything to do with Grant. Otherwise I am out of here. Got it?”
“Right, try telling that to Xavier when he pumps you to find out what’s happened. He’s the biggest gossip in this gym. Don’t even try to kid yourself that he won’t ask.”
“My growl will keep him at bay. He’s scared of me anyway.”
“Yeah right, you just keep believing that. Let’s go.”
We walk back into the gym where Xavier heads in our direction.
“What the hell happened to you? Who do I need to beat up?” It makes me laugh because Xavier is fit but not tough and brave.
“I love you like a brother, Xavier, but please can we just leave it for now? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but what I need from you right now is to work my ass off so hard I don’t even have the energy to think.”
“What the hell? I never thought I’d hear those words come from your mouth, girly. Your wish is my command, sister. Get that tight little booty over on the treadmill and get running. Get those legs warmed up and then the torture begins.”