by Karen Deen
All these new emotions are exhausting. It’s days like today I wish my mom lived closer. I want my rabbit and to be able to curl up in the corner and hope tomorrow is a better day. Have my dad make me laugh and my mom tell me, no matter what the sun will always rise tomorrow.
Time to put the wheels in motion for my new life. First, we dance and then I share my news. Then I’ll pick up all the sad little ones who I will miss just as much as they will miss me.
Grant
It’s been a long time since I had a killer hangover headache like I have this morning. My head is pounding, stomach feels off and my eyes hurt like fucking hell. I’m not sure my sunglasses will be leaving my face today.
I should have stopped at two scotches last night. I’m not sure how many I actually had. In the end, I was just swigging from the bottle. That shit is not me. I don’t lose control. Ever.
I need to just get on with it today. Lock down my thoughts of Zara and move forward. That’s what she told me to do. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but for her, I’ll try. Somehow, I will get through it.
My staff thought yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday’s nothing compared to how fucked today will be.
They better be avoiding me at all costs and just do their bloody jobs properly.
Man, I am glad I don’t drink like this all the time. Today has been the longest day ever. I should’ve just stayed home because I’m not sure how productive I was anyway.
Standing in my shower letting the water run over me, my muscles feel sore, but not from running or anything physical. They’re tense from stress. I don’t even feel like eating tonight, I just want sleep. I hope that happens as soon as my head hits the pillow.
Leaning against the tiles, I try to think of anything except her.
My mind wanders to the phone call I had with Luke this afternoon. It was the weirdest call. He was very vague as to what he was doing and where he was staying. I could have sworn I heard a girl’s voice in the background that was somehow familiar.
It’s really starting to bug me that I don’t know what’s going on. I normally know everything in my siblings lives but lately, there are secrets being kept. I hate it. First Zach, now Luke. What the hell is happening? I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and I need to stop it.
Tomorrow, Grant the CEO, head of the family, the arrogant, and cocky man is back. Everyone will be reminded exactly how this works. Whether they like it or not.
“Jeez, what crawled up his ass?” Lilly mumbles as I leave her and Alesha’s office.
“Heard that,” I growl.
“Good, you’re being an ass!” Lilly yells as I walk away. “We don’t always have to do what you say.”
It’s been a week and I’ve been laying the law down in the office and with my sisters. Zach is due back to work next week and Luke will be home from wherever he’s been hiding out.
I’ve already called a family meeting first day back and they will all be getting the same lecture. Get their shit together and if they don’t start communicating between the family, I will lose my shit.
Things need to get back to normal around here. My normal, not theirs.
Chapter Thirty
Zara
If I thought when I left, there would be time for me to be sad, I was gravely mistaken. I have never worked so hard physically and mentally to learn a full show routine in such a short space of time.
At this elite level, there’s no time to take it slow. It’s your responsibility to keep up or you’re out of the company. I live, eat and breathe dance. It was what I had dreamed of for all those years, to be paid to do something I love every single day.
We’re getting close to opening night. I’ve sent Mom and Dad tickets along with Natalie and Xavier. Because I’m new to the company, I get the chance to buy front row seats. They’re all so excited to see me and the show. I miss them all so much. Even though I don’t see my parents that often, I haven’t even had time to call them very much. They understand, but I still feel bad.
Nat and I message every day, but I miss seeing her every morning. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I even miss Xavier working my ass to the bone.
No matter how busy I am or tired I feel, my first thought of the day and the last thing I think of at night is him. He never left my mind or my heart. Each day I’m hoping it will get easier, but it’s only getting harder. I miss Grant more than I ever imagined.
I miss the fiery banter.
His arrogance and cockiness.
Hot, hard sex against the bedroom wall.
But most of all, I miss the tender kisses and the way his hands feel on my body as we made love.
I miss him calling me Baby.
I just miss him.
When I organized the opening night tickets, I wanted so much to purchase one for him. It would just be cruel to send one out of the blue when I walked out of his life two months ago. He’s doing what I asked him to. He’s moved on and is living his life.
Part of me knows it’s the biggest mistake of my life.
I have received a couple of letters from Sophia and Samuel with pictures they’ve drawn for me. Emily has kept in touch the whole time, which I love. A tiny part of me knows by hearing from her, everything is okay at home. We never discuss Grant, it’s just easier on me that way.
The kids’ pictures are on my wall in my one-bedroom apartment. They make me smile every day. One of the pictures Sophia sent is of her, her brothers, Grant and I. Grant’s in a suit and I’m in a pink tutu. He has a grumpy looking face. When I facetimed the kids, I asked Sophia about the picture and Grant’s face. She told me since I moved away Uncle Grant’s sad and grumpy all the time. She even hears her dad and mom talking about it.
That just makes me feel fabulous about what I’ve done to him. I know he will be hurt, but that hits home. I danced like crap that night. My choreographer was all over me, yelling at me to keep up and not look so sloppy. I just don’t feel like being there at all.
Some nights, as I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, he invades my thoughts and I can’t stop it. My dreams are full of him.
There’s one dream in particular I keep having but never seem to get to the end. It’s the one where we’re finally together. We’re walking into a garden, hand in hand. Grant turns to me and says, “Well, what do you say?” The dream finishes before I find out what’s happening or why he’s asking me such a question. It’s becoming more of a nightmare.
I have tomorrow off to rest and then the following night is Opening Night. Everyone flying in the afternoon of the show and we have organized to meet up after for drinks. I’m desperate to see them all. I’m feeling homesick and I know if I see them before the show I will be too emotional.
I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow with my free day. It will be the first one I’ve had since I arrived here. New York is such a magical place. So much to see and do. I just wish I had someone to share it with. I have never needed anyone before. I was always confident to travel on my own. Wanting someone to share that with is not a sign of weakness. I don’t need a man to look after me. However, I would love the joy of sharing new experiences. So many places here are meant to be viewed from being snuggled in the arms of your one and only.
Tomorrow will be a day for reading, I think. I don’t need to be wandering the streets feeling lonely. I need to stay focused for Opening Night. I wasn’t a huge reader before my injury, but Natalie put me on to romance books that are a little on the naughty side. Who am I kidding? They’re a lot on the naughty side, which I love. Hot men who remind me of Grant. Controlling, serious, alpha males, who deep down have a soft side that only the right woman can bring out. My favorites are the ones where the girls won’t take crap from them and challenge them at every turn. Deep down though, they just want to be loved and cared for. I know why I relate to those characters. They are me.
Sometimes, when I’m reading the steamy sex scenes, I close my eyes and imagine it’s Grant. That usually ends
in a cold shower or my battery- operated-friend getting a workout. Grant told me that while he’s around, I will never need that friend. So instead, I just picture him every single time. Those images I commit to memory, play over and over.
This is not helping me relax. Instead, it’s taking me back to that place.
The one where I feel at home.
The one I miss terribly.
The place that makes me feel the happiest I have ever been.
That one place that I will never get to feel again.
Instead of making dinner, I need some air. A good brisk walk to clear my head and try to stop my muscles tightening up from all the swirling feelings. They are stuck in my head, stomach and heart. The feelings about Grant, that I can no longer allow myself to think about.
Maybe if I walk for long enough I’ll be so tired my eyes will shut as soon as I lay down.
Yeah, right.
Grant
“Uncle Grant, Uncle Grant, can you push me on the swing, please?” Sophia calls across the yard at Zach’s. She looks at me with big eyes that suck me in every single time. How can I resist?
“On my way, princess. I will just give Thomas back to Mom.” Looking down at the sleeping little boy in my arms, I have a feeling he’s going to be more like Sophia than Samuel. He seems so peaceful whenever I see him. Not that I know anything about kids. I didn’t even think I would ever want any.
One thing changed that.
My Zara
I want more than anything to see her standing in front of me with a huge baby bump, growing and taking care of the child we made, from the love we share. I will be standing behind her with my arms wrapped around them both, loving and protecting them.
“Thanks, man. I will take him while you attend to the urgent swing pushing.” Zach laughs as he leans over and takes him before Emily’s even got a chance. “You will be fine here with me, little man, while Uncle Grant keeps your big sister happy.”
“Come on, Luke, you can push Sammy before I get slammed with pushing both at once.” I smack him on the back the head as I walk past.
“Ow! What was that for? Why do you all do that?” Luke asks as he gets to his feet.
“No reason,” I chuckle while heading down the stairs.
The family is at Zach’s place for no reason in particular, just one of those afternoons where word went out that there would be food on the grill for anyone who wanted to turn up.
I have nothing else to do except work. I’m back working seven days a week. It’s the only thing keeping me sane. I work weekends from home, but it’s still working. If I can say one good thing that’s come out of Zara leaving, it would be that business is back on track. I’m that focused, nothing slips by me and I push everyone to make sure everything’s under control.
I have my control back.
Everyone complains about me being an asshole but that’s just me on a good day. I don’t get up every day trying to be grumpy, it just usually ends up that way.
Like I said, that’s the only good thing about Zara leaving. The rest is fucked.
I miss her like crazy. I haven’t heard a word from her. Not that I expect to. I’m no better. I haven’t reached out to her. Every day I want to break that silence. Until I stop and remind myself why I did what I did.
Emily drops in conversation every few days little bits of their talks which gives me some peace. I know while she’s talking to Em, everything is fine.
Part of it pisses me off, knowing she’s settled in New York and moved on so quick without me. I wonder what she feels. Does she miss me? Does she still think of me?
Emily has dropped in conversation enough times over the last few weeks that her opening night is in two days. I guess she’ll be busy preparing for that. I hope she’s handling the stress.
I remember back to the mess she was in when I found her on the floor in the studio the night before the audition. I hope she’s handling it better this time. Reality is, it wasn’t the audition necessarily stressing her, it was me and the confusion surrounding it. Well, at least this time she won’t have to worry about that. She cut those feelings off months ago.
“Higher, higher,” Soph giggles loudly. “We have to beat Sammy and Uncle Luke.” I look across at Luke who wears a big-ass grin. Oh yeah, game on, brother. Challenge accepted.
“Hang on, Princess, we can easily beat them.”
“No, you can’t, Uncle Grant! Uncle Luke is bigger and stronger than you!” Sammy yells as he’s being pushed high into the air.
“Yeah, big brother. You may be older, but I’m stronger.” He laughs as the competition heats up.
“Keep those kids safe in your ‘healthy’ competition, boys,” Gruffy yells from the back deck where everyone’s sitting drinking and chatting.
The kids are laughing and screaming the higher we push until Sophia falls silent. I grab her instantly and lift her into my arms.
“What, Princess? Are you all right?” I feel concern that I can’t even explain.
She whispers in my ear. “Yes. I was just laughing so much, I wet my pants and need to go to the toilet.” Her cheeks are a little pink from embarrassment.
“Please don’t tell anyone.” She looks down at my chest.
“You’re always safe with me, Sophia. I’ve got you.” I look towards Luke with a wink.
“I’m thirsty. We’ll continue this later, hey boys? Let’s go, Soph, we’ll go inside and get a drink.” We head for the house and I give Emily a head flick to signal she’s needed inside. I put Sophia down when we reach the kitchen and she runs off towards the bathroom.
“There was a little too much excitement out there, I think. Something a mom can handle.” I kiss Emily on the cheek and, as I turn to head back outside, she grabs my arm.
“Keep the dream alive. One day this will be you. I know it deep in my heart. Just keep hanging in there. Every day you’re a day closer. You just never know what tomorrow brings.”
“Thanks, Em.” I walk away knowing how right she is.
We all sit chatting into the night. Everyone’s decided to stay at Zach’s except Luke and Zoe.
Zoe was out visiting with the kids when they decided to organize the get-together. She’d come home with Emily in the morning after picking up Sophia from dance rehearsals. Her plan was to stay the weekend but now Luke has said he’s heading home as he has an early morning run booked with Xavier, Zara’s friend. Zoe decides she will head home with him. They both seem a little quiet tonight.
I’ve had too many drinks to be driving so I’m staying put. No matter what, I would never put anyone’s life in danger from me being reckless and drink driving. What I find strange is Luke would normally drink us all under the table, yet he announced he’s fine to drive because he’s only had two light beers all night. What the hell is that about?
There’s definitely something going on with him and I haven’t managed to work out. I will just keep digging. When I have the energy, that is.
I have more important things to worry about. Plans to make. A life to live. A dream to get.
Chapter Thirty-One
Zara
No matter what’s happened up until now, it won’t matter. That first performance, the first leap, that first turn, it’s all that matters.
Staring into my dressing room mirror is just surreal. I’ve dreamed for so long of this very moment. Building the moment up so high in my head for years. Everything I have ever wanted to achieve has been about reaching this very night. Now I need new goals that keep me focused on my career.
It’s Opening Night on Broadway with the New York Dance Company.
Looking around the room, I know I’m the oldest here. My days are numbered. I’m soaking up every single moment. Besides my age, you never know what each day brings. Injury can take away your dream right there on the spot.
Sitting next to me are the biggest bunch of lavender roses I have ever seen. I have to look up what the meaning of the color is. It makes my heart flutter when I read laven
der is for love at first sight. There’s no card, but I know they’re from him. He wants to make sure I know he’s thinking of me even when he isn’t here.
A phone call would be too hard.
A text message is just as difficult.
Flowers, just perfect.
The number of roses is odd, and no one understands except me.
Sixty-seven roses.
Sixty-seven days since he has seen me.
Sixty-seven days since I’ve last touched him.
Sixty-seven days since he’s fucked me.
Sixty-seven days of loving him from afar.
Not that I’ve been counting. I can probably tell you how many hours it is, too.
I made a decision when I got on the plane to fly out here to live, that I would cut all contact, but I need to let him know I love what he’s done. It means so much to know he’s here in some way with me. He hasn’t forgotten me.
I snap a picture of the roses and am ready to press send. No, that isn’t enough. I snap myself in the mirror with the flowers and press send before I change my mind. I know I’ve probably made a mistake but right at this moment, I don’t care. I still love him, and he needs to know that.
I open the message again to see if there are any dots of an impending reply.
Nothing.
God, what I have I done. I was in such a hurry to send, I hadn’t even looked at the picture. My mind was elsewhere. I wasn’t in full costume yet so I’m standing in a black lacy bra, G- string panties, and fish-net stockings with suspenders. My red silk robe hangs open.
I’m wearing bright red lipstick and a face full of stage make up.
My hair is curled and falling around my shoulders.
That was so cruel. Poor Grant. He probably just fell off his chair in the office. I hope he was on his own when he opened it.
As much as I regret sending it, there are certain parts of my body heating up thinking how much that picture will have him on edge. Maybe later tonight he will be jerking off to it, thinking of me.