by Karen Deen
“Fine, then just take it as a loan from a friend. That’s what we are, isn’t it, Zoe? We’re just friends.”
His words caught me off-guard. It was like he was reminding me, or perhaps himself, that was all we could ever be. The moment of the almost-kiss was gone with no chance of a return.
Barely whispering, I replied the only words I could. “Yes, Luke, we are just friends. That’s what we are.” I needed to get away from him. Stepping away, I started towards my apartment door. Ignoring whatever Luke was saying, I needed to get inside, before my emotions got the better of me.
As if on auto pilot, I took my keys and opened the door. Stepping one foot inside, a hand rested on the curve of my lower back, gently pushing me forward. Before I knew what was happening, Luke closed the door with his foot and spun me around with my back against it.
My breathing had quickened, tingles coursing all over me, butterflies taking flight in my stomach. The heat was rising between us, and I could feel his every breath.
“Zoe,” his voice rasped, pushing my hands down to my sides, palms against the door. He had me trapped in the best possible way.
“I need you to know, it kills me every single day to just be friends with you. If I could, I would make you mine. No man would ever get to touch you again. Never!”
“Luke,” I said, breathless.
I didn’t have time to respond, Luke slamming his mouth onto mine. He was branding me. Trying to show me what it would be like if he could have me. He put his whole soul into a kiss that was taking me away to a place I dreamed about at night. I was done holding back. I didn’t know what was going on, but I wasn’t about to waste an opportunity of tasting Luke once more. I felt like I’d awoken again after being asleep for such a long time.
I started to fight his grip on my hands. I wanted to touch him, to run my hands through his hair as I continued to devour his lips. I didn’t want the kiss to end. The more he kissed me, the deeper I moaned, my body on fire with wanting him. His tongue pushed in, exploring my mouth, taking everything he could from me. I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t stop.
I knew I should, but I just couldn’t.
Our moment was broken by the loud trill of Luke’s cell. We tried to ignore it, but it persisted. Fed up, Luke finally pulled away to shut down the phone.
“Fuck.” Luke leaned forward, his forehead against mine while we both sucked air into our lungs.
“Luke, I just want to touch you.”
He shook his head, confusing me with the rejection.
“I am barely holding on, gorgeous. I’m sorry. If you touch me, I can’t promise I’ll stop.” His voice was low and breathy, showing how tenuous his restraint was.
“Luke, what are we doing?”
“Something we shouldn’t be. Actually, something I shouldn’t have done. I am so sorry, Zoe, I lost control. I’m so sorry. We can’t do this. We both know we can’t do this. But one thing I am not sorry for, is how good it felt. Fuck, Zoe. If I could, I would take you right here, right now, against this door. God, what am I saying? I need to go. Just know that I want you. I always will.”
Pulling me toward him, Luke kissed me so softly on the forehead, before opening the door and leaving. The door slammed behind him and I remained in total confusion
Slowly, my hand raised to my mouth, my finger running along my lips. They were still warm and wet from the insane connection with Luke. I could still taste him on my tongue. I didn’t want to break the moment, knowing the second I moved, I’d lose the kiss forever. His touch would be gone. My head would take over and then the crazy chaos of thoughts would start, trying to make sense of what happened, what it meant, and whether I was going to turn up to work on Monday and face Luke. More to the point, face the family without them noticing how flustered he made me.
I wanted to say it was a disaster, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to. The kiss was a precious moment, a memory for my little box of special things in my mind. The special things that were just for me. A place that no matter what happened in my life they could never break me. They could never taint anything that was in my special box. That was mine and mine alone.
Eventually, I walked into my room, crawled on my bed, and curled up into a ball hugging myself. Then I cried. The crying turned to sobs. No matter what I did in life, it was never going to be enough to allow me to be happy. There would always be obstacles in my way.
Finally, the tears ran out and the crying stopped.
My cell chimed from the lounge. I knew it would be Luke, but I just couldn’t face it tonight.
Tomorrow, I would face the world. I was good at starting again. I’d done it so many times before.
Drifting off into an exhausted sleep, I dreamed of the same thing I did most nights. Luke making love to me.
That was my wish.
That Luke would love me.
Luke
What the fuck had I done?
I’d beaten myself up the whole way home. I should never have followed her into her apartment. I knew I was losing control. The moment I put my hands on her hips, I felt it. The electricity that was running from her body to mine. I almost kissed her right there against my truck, the only thing that stopped me was that stupid old man yelling out to her.
I should have left when she walked away. I just couldn’t. My control just broke. I didn’t know why it was any different today. I had relied on that same sense of control every day.
The truth of the situation was, I’d wanted Zoe since the moment I saw her. That very first day looking at her picture, I knew then there was something about her. Something different. This feeling that I’d been trying to bury inside me had been building for four years. I thought I’d done a bloody good job at keeping my hands off her until now.
The kiss played over in my mind as I drove home. The moment I finally felt her lips touch mine. I had imagined that initial kiss so many times. What it would feel and taste like. I would gently take her face in my hands, slowly lean in and place tender little kisses on her mouth. Slowly building up to taking her completely.
That’s how I should have taken the kiss. That was what Zoe deserved. That’s not what I did.
All the years of built-up sexual frustration took over. I wanted her, I wanted her bad. Those lips were mine and Zoe needed to know that. There was going to be no mistaking how I felt about her.
The thing that caught me unawares was how familiar it felt. Like I knew her, and like I’d kissed those gorgeous lips before. In a way, it felt like coming home. Was that what it felt like to kiss that special person who was meant only for you? I believed Zoe was my special someone.
She just couldn’t be mine while she worked for me. They loved Zoe like she was one of us, but rules were rules, especially when they were in a contract.
What had I done to poor Zoe? Firstly, I’d broken that fine line that had been dancing between us for years. Not only did I break it, I smashed straight through it as I slammed my lips onto hers. Secondly, I confessed how much I wanted her but couldn’t. Thirdly, I turned and walked out on her. What sort of asshole did that make me? I had to apologize. I needed to make this right.
Writing and deleting what felt like a thousand messages, I finally pressed send. I waited for hours to see the bubbles showing activity, to get some sort of reply. Nothing. I had upset her, but hoped she understood. Maybe I was wrong. If there was no response in the morning, I would have to see her. I couldn’t wait until Monday to sort out how she felt about the kiss. I didn’t want it to be weird between us.
Grant was too smart for that. Lilly and Alesha would eat me for breakfast if they sensed something was going on between us. I needed to sort it out tomorrow. More importantly, I had to know Zoe was all right. I’d never cope if I’d hurt her.
Restless in bed, my mind recalled the feeling of Zoe pressed against my body, the electricity that bounced between us was like nothing I’d ever felt before. The number of women I’d slept with over the years gave me plenty to com
pare it to. In all that time, I had never felt anything like it, except for that one night. It was not as intense, but it was something that I had always known was different. It was the only time I had wanted to explore something further. But she was gone without a trace and life moved on. There was something about that girl, that night, that I could never quite pinpoint.
Being older, I wasn’t too proud of my college days, but I wasn’t alone in how I lived my life. The majority of the guys and girls at college were the same, unless they had found a partner and hooked up in a relationship. Unfortunately, they weren’t always faithful either. I may have had fun playing the field, but I was certain when I found my special one, I would never stray.
I’d been brought up with values that were important in life, and loyalty certainly was a big one. Loyalty to your partner and loyalty to your family. Two things I would never break.
Sleep was proving difficult, needing to work off some of the frustration. I could be a boy and take matters into my own hands and get a release, or be a man and work it off at the gym.
Who was I kidding?
I would run my ass off but then would more than likely end up showering and thinking of Zoe while shooting one over the bathroom floor, just like I had for so many nights over the past few years. It was getting old. I needed to find a solution to the problem. I just had no idea where to start, besides grabbing Zoe and fucking her hard against my shower wall. That would sure give me some relief and make me a very happy man.
Now I had made my problem worse. I had to hit the treadmill and think of a more practical solution to a problem that was getting harder to avoid.
Chapter Seven
Zoe
Getting out of bed in the morning to head for my run, I felt like I’d been run over by a truck. Up much later than usual, my eyes were puffy from a crying session throughout the night. Black circles marred my skin. My body pleaded to stay snuggled in bed, but for both my mental and physical health, I needed to get up and move if I wanted those endorphins flowing.
I learned a long time ago that every day was a new day and to make the most of it. It was the only thing that had gotten me through my life, until now. If I dwelled on the past, then I would keep reliving it until it ended me.
Fresh air and pounding the pavement was just what I needed. Music blasted through my earphones, keeping me focused on running, and pushing until I couldn’t push anymore. Slowing to a walk, my thoughts landed on Luke, once again. I would need to check my messages this morning after I ignored them on my cell, closing down the message screen when I left the apartment. I was certain the messages from last night were from Luke. Not many people would message me or even have my number. As far as Zach and the Stevenson family knew, they thought I had a big group of friends who I spent my weekends getting together with. I hated to deceive them, but I was just no good with the clubbing scene anymore. Occasionally, I hung out with Lilly and Alesha, and while it was always a fun night, my anxiety crept up on me the whole time. My past life was one I left behind, but I was still uncomfortable in any bar. Even being a completely different person, it still triggered my low self-esteem which I struggled with every day. What I showed the world and what I was really like on the inside were two different people. In some ways, that had become my survival mechanism.
Finally, sitting down for breakfast after my shower, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. Reaching across the table for my cell, I jumped with fright at the loud banging on the front door. I always grew nervous whenever there was someone at the door I wasn’t expecting. I contemplated whether I should just ignore them, and hoped they would just go away.
Again, there was a knock followed by a voice that made my skin tingle.
“Zoe, it’s Luke. Are you home? I just want to talk.” I heard the hesitation in his voice and I wrestled with staying quiet and hiding. What would be the point? I would still have to face him at the office on Monday. I needed to be strong and get it over with.
“Hang on, I’m coming,” I called, straightening myself.
Standing with my hand on the handle, I took a deep breath and slowly unlocked the door. Facing me was a man who also looked like he hadn’t slept much. His hair was tousled like he’d been running his hands through it in frustration. There was stubble across his strong jaw that gave him that rugged throw-you-over-his-shoulder-and-take-you-to-his-cave, look. I’d admit, I liked this Luke. He was a little rough around the edges, like he was trying to keep his desire under control. This was karma, since the kiss last night had totally thrown my mind spiralling out of control.
Pulling myself together, I managed to string together a coherent sentence.
“Hi, Luke. Come in. I’m having breakfast, would you like a coffee?” My voice revealed my nerves.
“Hey. Thanks, that sounds great. I think I might need it.” He walked in hesitantly and closed the door behind him while I poured his coffee.
“Sorry, I don’t have any extra breakfast, I need to go to the grocery store after this. I could probably rustle up some toast, though.”
“No, I’m fine with coffee, thanks anyway.”
We sat at the table while I pushed around the food on my plate. My appetite had disappeared and was replaced by nerves that had my stomach backflipping. I was having trouble meeting Luke’s gaze. He was breathing heavily, as nervous as I was. This was going to make work impossible.
“Zoe, I’m sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have done that to you, to us. I’ve made you feel awkward around me and that was the last thing I wanted.”
I started to giggle. I couldn’t help it. “Things have been awkward around you since day one, let’s be honest with ourselves.” This made him release a sigh and he smiled.
“You’re right about that. If you could stop looking so hot every day when you walked into the office, then I wouldn’t have such a problem.”
That caught me off-guard, my cheeks blushing.
“Shit, sorry. I shouldn’t have said that out loud. I’m not really helping much, am I?”
“No, not really. Maybe I need to wear a nun’s habit to work every day, would that help?”
“You would think so, but I would just spend all day thinking about what you had on underneath it.”
I lightly punched his arm. “Again, not helping the situation, Luke.”
We both relaxed, the air between us no longer tense.
“Sorry,” he chuckled. “I seem to be saying that a lot this morning, but I really am. I’m just not sure how to fix this. In fact, there are definitely parts of me that don’t want to fix anything. We both know that’s not possible, although it doesn’t stop me thinking about it.”
“I know. That kiss yesterday totally shook me, to be honest. In a good way. I can assure you there wasn’t much sleep in this house last night. My mind and my body had too much going on. I’m blaming you for that.”
“Well, the sleep devil took mine away, too, leaving me to think about what your body has going on.” He wore a cheeky smile.
“Stop it. Seriously, we need to talk about this and then move on. Otherwise, I will not be able to look at you and keep a straight face on Monday. Grant will be all over us trying to work out why I keep blushing when you look or speak to me and heaven help us if the girls work anything out. Especially Lilly. You know what she’s like. She will be organizing our wedding before we even blink.”
I was rambling. Looking at Luke, he froze a little at my last sentence.
“Would that be such a bad thing?” he mumbled under his breath, but I still heard.
“Luke. Seriously, you need to stop. We need to get back to normal.”
“This is normal. I keep being annoying and you keep telling me to stop it. The only thing you haven’t said yet that usually comes from my family is that I need to grow up.”
“I’m pretty sure you are all man, Luke. There’s no dispute there. No growing up needed.”
“See, it’s not just me. Now you’re flirting, too.”
W
e sat looking at each other. Luke was trying so hard to behave and hold a serious conversation, just as much as I was.
“I think the only thing we can do is just forget that last night happened and just act normal like we always do.” My head told me that was the right thing to say, but my heart grew sad that we couldn’t be anything more than friends.
“Yes, yes, you’re right. That’s what we need to do. Do you think you will be able to do that? Just forget about it?” His pleading look had me confused. I wasn’t sure if he was hoping I’d say I could forget and move on, or if he was hoping I’d say no, I wanted more.
My heart wanted him badly, but my head did the only thing it could.
“Yes, it’s what we have to do. We’re good friends and we need to stay there. As crappy as it sounds, I’m friend-zoning you, Luke. Agreed?” I released a sad sigh.
He attempted to bring himself to answer, but like me, he struggled to find the words.
Luke
My heart hurt as the words left my lips. “Unfortunately, I agree. Friend-zoned it is. Even though those words suck and taste like sour lemons.”
That brought a smile to her face. I always used humor to get me through tough spots in my life, including when I felt nervous, anxious or needed to hide my embarrassment. Most of all, humor helped hide my hurt. Convincing myself that we were in the friend zone was definitely hurting. It was time to be the comedian. It would also help Zoe to move past that awkward feeling of being around me after our explosive kiss. Fuck, what I wouldn’t give for another of those kisses.
We both sat for a moment staring at each other, trying to process everything while hiding away our feelings.
“Right, let’s get this car situation sorted, shall we?” I needed to change the conversation and find a place where Zoe and I could just get back to acting normal around each other.
“I told you that you don’t need to worry, Luke. I’m fine catching the bus and walking. It’ll keep me fit and stop me getting any larger than I already am.” With that comment, she dropped her eyes and pushed food around her plate.