by Karen Deen
As soon as he was out of earshot, the words fell from my mouth. “That man is so far gone on Emily, there’s no return. Start planning the wedding, Mom.” The girls giggled and Mom grinned while going about clearing the table.
“Lay off him, Luke. It’s about time we saw your brother happy. It’s been a long time, don’t you think?” Dad leaned against the doorframe, watching as they walked across the yard. “Love has a strange way of grabbing us when we least expect it. Sometimes it is right under our noses. One day it just takes our heart and there’s no way of getting it back.” Turning, he looked me right in the eyes. “When the time is right, you’ll know it, and it will feel like you can’t live without it.” He winked before heading out to close the back of the truck and pack up all the ropes. Mom watched him out the window. He was her hero, that was plain to see by the way she looked at him every single day.
Back home lying on the couch, the TV playing hockey, I just couldn’t focus. I kept coming back to what Dad said today. He didn’t say a lot but when he did, he got straight to the point. It was that time of night when I sent my text to Zoe. I wondered what she did each time she opened it. Did she smile or roll her eyes? I wished I could see her. I needed to think about what to send. She had had a whole day without me and that could be dangerous, giving her time to think of reasons why she should tell me to go jump.
Luke: You were missed today
Nothing. No answer. No bubbles of typing. I felt like such a teenage girl crushing hard waiting for the jerk to reply.
I wasn’t sure what to do. Send another message? Wait until she replied? Maybe she had gone out partying trying to forget me. What if she accidently forgot her phone? Would she be safe? I hoped she stayed with her friends. What the hell was I doing? I was already putting together some bullshit story because she didn’t immediately answer my text. I needed to calm down and man up.
I poured myself a nightcap knowing I’d need it to sleep if I didn’t hear back from Zoe. My mind was making all sorts of shit up. Leaning against the kitchen island, my cell buzzed loudly from the lounge. I leaped over the couch spilling my nightcap.
I was fucked. I had been laughing at Zach but I was just as whipped on a woman.
Zoe: I doubt that, but thanks anyway.
Luke: You have trouble hearing nice words about yourself. You were actually missed, by Mom, Dad, the girls, Zach and most of all, me. But that goes without saying. You should already know that.
Zoe: What? Not Grant? Haha
Luke: He would need to have his head out of his own ass for that to happen.
Zoe: Poor Grant. No one ever gives him a fair chance.
Luke: Pfft, he doesn’t deserve it. He is too much of a control freak. Drives me insane.
Zoe: What! Worse than I do?
Luke: No, just in different ways. You make me crazy and EXTREMELY sexually frustrated!!!
Zoe: Those balls must be nearly ready to fall off, you poor thing.
Luke: You are so mean to my balls. I think you should come and make them better.
Zoe: I thought you coming would do that for you.
Luke: Shit, Zoe!!! Don’t start that with me. That will make it worse.
Zoe: Sorry not sorry
I bet you’re weren’t sorry, you little minx. She tried to play the innocent, vulnerable one. Deep down, I thought my little Zoe was one sensual, hot, sex kitten. She knew what she was doing in the flirting department, that was for sure. I thought I was pretty good at it, but she always managed to one-up me.
Luke: Yeah, right.
Luke: I just wanted to send you a message to remind you about me. In case you missed me today like I missed you.
Zoe: Not a chance
Luke: Harsh!
Zoe: A little, but hey, who says you get to be the funny one all the time.
Luke: Well… I will be the soppy one if you are going to be the funny one. I missed you today. I looked at Zach and Emily and wanted it to be us. Starting a new chapter with all the family there to support us.
Zoe: Oh, Luke, I’m sorry. Was it a hard day today?
Luke: No. It was a lot of fun. The kids and Emily are fantastic. Sammy is me in a little person’s body. So funny. I just couldn’t stop thinking about you all day.
Zoe: If it makes you feel better, I couldn’t stop thinking about you, too.
Luke: It does. I will be able to sleep tonight.
Zoe: Speaking of sleeping, I’m pretty tired and have already crawled into bed while I was talking to you.
Luke: So, you aren’t out then?
I hit send before wondering if it was the right thing to say.
Zoe: Ummm No. What makes you say that?
Luke: You took a while to reply
Zoe: You are such a girl. I was in the shower, you idiot. Happy now
Luke: Yes, thanks. Now have a good sleep. Will talk to you tomorrow. Dream of me. Actually, dream of you, coming over here and helping out my blue balls. Because I certainly have my own dreams already brewing.
Zoe: You’re an idiot! For once, you suffer. You dream of me doing rude and naughty things to your blue balls.
Luke: FFFUUUCCCKKK !!! You kill me kitten.
Zoe: Night hehe
Luke: Night, Beautiful.
There it was. Another night of me sleeping with the biggest hard-on and Zoe laughing at my misfortune. Girls had no idea the pain they caused. Plenty of movies had been made about a guy finding himself in a woman’s body and going through all the dramas of being a girl. Nobody gave enough credit to the male population and the pain women caused us. Of course, I wasn’t being a big baby at all. Just a horny, and completely undersexed guy.
Chapter Fourteen
Zoe
Luke believed he was the only one suffering by our little flirting sessions. Just the contact with him via text message had me wanting more. I was left with tingles, wet pants, and knowing he had banned me from touching myself to fix it. I didn’t answer to any man, but I found myself wanting to keep the promise. Every day it just got harder.
Sunday came and went far too quickly. I ran in the morning, trying to rid myself of frustration from the night before and blasting loud music through my ear phones to distract my mind. Every time I thought I could do this, something negative changed my thoughts. It always circled back to how he would feel if he ever found out about that night all those years ago. If it were me and he held the secret, I would be devastated. So why should it be any different? My life was never simple. I always found some way to stuff it up and make it complicated.
The usual text message reminded me to dream of him at night, like I was ever able to dream of anything else. Problem was, some nights they weren’t as happy as they should be. There was sadness in them. One that kept repeating was me seeing the hurt on his face when he found out who I was and what I’d done. That had me waking in tears and a cold sweat. What should be getting easier, was actually getting harder every night.
My workload was light with Zach spending only school hours in the office. Driving with Emily in the morning and then being available for pick her up in the afternoon. They seemed to be fitting into a good routine as a little family. I had yet to meet them and ensure Emily wasn’t just using Zach. My gut feeling was that he’d found his soulmate. No man looked and acted like he was this weak without having already fallen over the edge of the cliff. I’d even caught him singing to himself in his office on Wednesday. Badly, I might add, even though he thought he was amazing.
It was late Thursday afternoon and I was heading to Luke’s to swap cars. He’d asked me to take the Range Rover for a few days as the Mercedes needed a service. Although I really didn’t want to drive the big car, I couldn’t argue when he was being so generous. During the week, I’d managed to avoid spending much time with him in the office. He was busy out on site most days and while Zach was in the office, I was busy helping him. Lunchtime I’d spent with the girls most days, getting all the gossip on Zach and Emily. Lilly was also trying to talk me into going out
with them, so she could find me a date. I nearly choked. Where had that come from? Had I given off any vibes that I was looking for anyone? I palmed it off and changed the subject before it got out of hand. She managed to swing it back around, inviting me and my friends out with her and Alesha. She was desperate to meet them, and since they were non-existent, that was going to be a challenge. I needed to come up with something to solve this problem. Knowing Lilly, she’d never let go of something once she set her mind to it.
Driving to Luke’s house, I saw him sitting on the steps in the late afternoon sun. Cell pressed to his ear, laughing out loud with whoever he was talking to. I admired his masculine body, broad shoulders that led down into arms that bulged from his tight black t-shirt. Men looked good in suits but there was something about a tight t-shirt that hugged all their muscles. Slowly edging up the driveway, a voice in the car made me jump and push the brake harder than intended. The radio I was listening to disappeared, and a male voice was now talking on Bluetooth. What the hell? Luke’s cell had obviously connected to the car.
“So, are you ready for a weekend of hitting plenty of pussy in Vegas? We’ll start at the bar to get in the mood. Survey the scenery, play the tables a bit and then take our pick for the night. If we do it right, we might be able to get double pussy in one night. That will get you past that Zoe bitch. She’s playing hard to get.”
I gasped, unable to move, tears slipping down my cheeks.
“Luke, are you still hearing me, man? Too busy having visions of double pussy, aren’t you?” Again, there was silence. Luke looked at me and back to his cell, seemingly confused. He couldn’t hear anyone because the call was now connected with the car. “These fucking cells are a pain when the signal starts getting crap. Can you hear me? Hello? Hello?” Luke does the same thing, then deciding he’d lost the call, he hung up. My music restarted and my head was spinning.
Was that what he thought of me? Was this weekend just to get his playboy time and then come back and conquer me? I zoned into my anxious world, my heart starting to race.
“Zoe, what’s wrong?” Luke tapped on the window, snapping me back to attention. He opened the door and crouched next to me. Heat burned on my leg where his hand rested. It wasn’t a good heat this time. It burned. “Why did you stop the car all the way down here? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. What is happening, baby, talk to me?” No way was I repeating what I just heard. I couldn’t bring myself to say it because it would make it real.
“Just not feeling well. Think I will just swap cars and head home, if that’s okay.” Tilting his head, he didn’t believe me. Rubbing my hands on the steering wheel, I showed all signs of being nervous. Slowly, he peeled my fingers from around the wheel.
“Then I will drive you home and get a taxi back. You don’t look good at all. Have you been feeling sick all day? You should have gone home.” His look of concern made me feel worse. Did he feel sorry for me? Was that all this was? Poor Zoe, the girl who didn’t have anything going for her. All she was ever good for was doing what others needed, never making herself happy.
“Whatever is going on in your head, Zoe, just stop. You need to slow your thoughts down. You’re not sick, you’re heading into another anxiety attack, aren’t you? Now let’s breathe together. Big, slow, breath in. Hold it, now slowly let it out. Now, let’s do that again. We’ve got this.” Without me realizing, he turned me around to face him, my legs dangling out of the car. His hand slid around the back of my neck, his finger stroking my cheek. Just his touch started to calm me. No matter what my brain thought of him in that moment, my body would always react to him.
“That’s better, your color is returning and there’s a tiny sparkle in your eyes. Let’s just sit here a little longer and take it easy until you feel good enough to get out.” Why wasn’t I strong enough to just say no?
The ringing in Luke’s pocket broke the silence. Reaching in, he answered.
“Andrew, I will call you back a bit later, mate. Just in the middle of something.”
“No problems, I just lost you before. You weren’t answering me,” The voice boomed through the car’s speakers once more. Luke looked confused and pulled the cell from his ear. “What the hell? You’ve clicked into my car Bluetooth. Will call you later.” Punching the red button, the call ended. He was now staring at me.
“Did that happen as you drove in, Zoe? Is that what this is about? What did Andrew say?” Luke looked worried. He figured out something wasn’t right. I couldn’t tell him what I heard because I didn’t want to hear his denial. That would hurt just as much. So, I lied. It made me feel awful not telling him the truth but it wasn’t going to change what I’d heard.
“No, I didn’t hear anything. I just don’t feel well. That’s all.”
“I call bullshit on that. If we are ever going to make this work, Zoe, you have to talk to me and not hide everything. I can help you. You just need to trust me. Not just as a friend but really trust me.” Silence sat heavy between us. He waited for me to talk and I had to convince him. This was going to be harder than stopping the Titanic from sinking.
In the end, I didn’t try. “I just think it is best I head home. I am fine to drive. Can I just swap cars and head off? I will see you tomorrow.” I pushed up from the seat, making him stumble backward.
“You are so fucking stubborn, woman. If that’s what you want, then sure. Just know I am not happy about it. Think about what I said.” He placed his hand on my heart. “Trust from here. Real trust. Let me in, Zoe.” He turned to head into the garage. “Remember, it’s a bigger car and more powerful than the one you’re used to. So, take it easy. I want you safe.” He was annoyed with me, his body language tense, his words blunt. Unsure what to do, I climbed into the driver’s seat. Sitting back, Luke leaned in to strap the belt across me. “Message when you get home, please. Or for the love of God, I will come looking for you. Got it?” Not knowing what to say, I remained silent. Closing the door, I pulled the car away, rounding the one I’d left.
“Sorry, Luke,” was all I could say as I turned onto the street. I didn’t know who Andrew was, but I already didn’t like him. I couldn’t imagine Luke and him being friends.
The closer I got to home, the more tears that flowed. I thought I was getting closer to happiness but now it seemed to be getting further from my grasp, again. Maybe this was the sign I needed to remind me that this was never going to be a good idea.
Standing in my kitchen, looking out the window at the trees, my handbag still hooked over my shoulder, life from the outside always looked so simple and beautiful. The soft green of the leaves, the color of the sun setting. The crunch of the grass under my feet as I walked. No pressure to perform. Nature could be just what it wanted to be. Not pressured. I wished life were like that.
There was a vibration against my hip. Shit. I couldn’t recall how long I had been standing there. I forgot to message Luke.
Luke: Are you home safe? I’m worried.
Zoe: Sorry, just got home. Stopped at the shop quickly along the way. Thank you for worrying. See you tomorrow.
Luke: Glad you are home safe and sound. Meant what I said. Trust me. Let me help. See you in the morning. I fly out for the weekend at lunchtime.
Zoe: Okay
That’s all I could reply. There was no way I could be happy about him heading away for a wild weekend of women. My chest hurt and my heart ached. I decided to take a hot shower and crawl into bed. I definitely wasn’t able to stomach anything.
Luke
What the fuck happened this afternoon? I went from having a normal, busy work day, looking forward to seeing Zoe, working out how I could sneak a kiss before she left, to thinking about what was going to happen when I got back from my weekend away.
It all turned to shit when Zoe turned up. I didn’t know what happened. I just knew deep in my soul that it had something to do with Andrew. He hadn’t answered my phone calls, or the text messages to contact me urgently. If Zoe wasn’t going to tell me, I wo
uld have to get it out of him. The longer it took, the more agitated I became. There had better be a good fucking reason, for him ignoring my calls. I’d been working so hard to get closer to Zoe and I saw her pulling away from me the instant I got to the car. It wasn’t just gradual. She was backing away from me quicker than I could stop her. Whatever had gone down on the phone had startled her into another panic attack. Luckily, we caught it in time. That didn’t happen easily. Something major had triggered that uncertainty.
Spending most of the night pacing the house, checking my phone, lifting weights in my home gym, I let loose my frustration and anger on the punching bag. Hitting until my knuckles ached through the gloves. Time had gotten away from me.
I messaged my usual goodnight to Zoe but there was only silence in return. I started to believe my phone was broken. Nobody wanted to contact me. Nothing was going right. It probably wasn’t the right thing to do, but a stiff bourbon was going to help me sleep. Or take away the pain of the night. Either way it was going to help. I had a feeling it might take two glasses before the numbing effects kicked in.