by Karen Deen
“She was only five years old man.” His hands are balled in tight fists, knuckles white. “Five — little more than a baby.” He pauses, I’m guessing trying to keep his emotions in check. “He was convinced she stole his drugs. He stabbed her and cut her open looking for them. Five years old, motherfucker. Who does that to a tiny little girl? What chance did she have against a forty-seven-year-old man? She was just playing in the playground, like any child should be able to do. Just living her life.”
His hands go to his hair and pull it as he’s sucking in a big breath. His voice is soft and emotional when he starts again. “She was in a dress-up costume of a princess, you know one of those Disney ones. She was someone’s baby. Her two brothers have lost their little sister. Grandparents have lost a grandchild. The list goes on. All because of some drug-fucked idiot. What is wrong with this world?” We both sit there contemplating that question for a moment. “No one should have to see what I saw today, live what her parents lived through today. I wanted to grab him and take a blunt knife and cut him open while he is still alive, so he will feel every motherfucking cut. I’d take it real slow, so he felt every ounce of pain I can inflict.” The anger is rolling out of him, then he suddenly drops his head into his hands. Today’s really taken it out of him. I feel sick in the stomach just thinking about all he just said.
I couldn’t do his job. My will of wanting to keep people safe, just wouldn’t be strong enough to handle the awful things.
“You are one strong guy, Kane, dealing with that. Not sure I could bounce back from that while you do it time after time. You deserve more money in your job and a hell of a lot more respect, that’s for sure. I wish I could share the load for you.” My heart is hurting for my mate. Tough day.
“You are, man, just by listening and being with me. Thanks for being a good friend. Not many people would let me tell them the bad things I tell you. You help me more than you know.” With that he leans back in the chair, throwing his head back and growling out load. I’d say releasing an inner demon.
“Then to top off the shift, I’ve got some FBI agent coming into town tomorrow to get help with a stalking case. Which is a pain because they always seem to get in the road. Why they can’t just let us work the case is beyond me. They think they have a lead that has brought them to here. I don’t know a lot, it’s out of my jurisdiction,” Kane says with an eye roll. “I was just told it’s something that has been going on for a few years across a few states and they think the weirdo is operating here at the moment. What is wrong with people? Aren’t there any normal people left in this world? Are we the minority?”
“I’m definitely a minority. I mean to say, no one is as good-looking as me and certainly not as funny. Wouldn’t you agree?” His head whips up and he starts laughing.
“This right here is why I love you, bro. You know just the right things to say at the right time. Well, most of the time. There was that one time you were talking about that girl in the pub having saggy tits and she was standing behind you. Besides that, you do all right, I suppose.” The strain on Kane’s face starts to ease a little. I’m sure it will take a long time for today’s visions to leave him and will be rehashed tomorrow, but for now he is trying to make peace with his mind.
“Well, you aren’t the only one who loves me. There is a whole Xavier fan club. You should check it out. From what I hear, they’re looking for a new president. You would be the prime candidate. You can give them all the inside gossip on me. Tell them the colour of my toothbrush, what brand of underwear I have, boxers or briefs. How strong I am, and that I out bench press you. You know, all the important information a die-hard fan will want to know. Are you up for the role?” After listening to me waffle on with bullshit, Kane is laughing and looking more relaxed. There seems to be two stages he needs when this happens. The first is to tell me what his brain needs to unload, as it is eating him up. The second is I need to then take his mind off it. What better topic of conversation than me? Kane might beg to differ but for tonight it’s working.
We both crack open the top on a new beer and settle into normal conversation, eventually changing the topic off my stupidity and on to sports. Dissecting the games from the last few days and what is in store for next weekend. If Kane weren’t here, I know I would be snoring on the lounge by now.
“Sorry about before, just a shit day,” Kane said. “Back to you, though, hard day at work? Unusual for you to be nearly asleep this early.” He was looking at me waiting for the answer to the biggest mystery of the day.
“Long day, man. Nothing like yours, which makes mine sound trivial.”
“Nah, don’t do that. Your day is just as important. Talk to me.” He sits up straighter in the lounge showing me he is concentrating on everything I’m about to say.
“Ally trained with me this morning. I picked her up and drove her to the gym. We had a good chat. Told her I like her and want to get to know her. All was going great until damn Dana turned up,” I say, scratching my fingers through my five o’clock stubble.
“The weirdo that I met that day at the gym, the client? The one who you keep telling me stories about her rubbing her tits up against you?”
“Yep, that one. She walked straight over to me getting all handsy, started talking about Saturday and made it sound like we spent the day together getting all hot and heavy. Ally got all funny and took off. Totally took it the wrong way. Anyway, long story short, managed to get Lilly, her sister, to answer her phone because Ally was ignoring my calls. Organized to meet her for lunch so I could explain. Longest morning waiting to see her, but lunch was perfect. Except for the fact I wanted to do things with her that she is so not ready for. Man, she has my body humming, and trying to keep my cock at ease is not fun. Feel like I’m in high school around her.” Just thinking about her now has me feeling good. I hear a chuckle coming from my not-so-understanding friend.
“You’re an ass, you know that? So much for being a friend and listening.”
“Suck it up, princess. I’m just kidding, keep going. I do care. It’s just strange to see you so twisted in knots over a woman. I’ve not known you for that long, but this is just not like you, buddy. It had to happen eventually, though. Continue, I’m listening.” Kane is almost through his second beer and I’ve got a feeling will be heading into his third straight after. I suppose in the scale of his day, if I can give him a laugh then that is a good thing. Sucks for me but hey, who cares.
“She is quite shy and insecure, nothing like my type. She fascinates me. She wants to be friends and get to know each other. So, I don’t want to hear a word when I say this, not one word, understand?” He nods looking confused. “We are going on friend dates for a while to spend time together.”
I should have been more specific. He didn’t say a word but the roar of laughter coming out of his mouth and the tears streaming down his face tell me what he thinks of my story.
“Fuck off. It’s not that funny. I agreed, so I get to spend more time with her. I can tell you now, there won’t be many friend dates before there are real dates, where we will be enjoying all the things that friends certainly don’t do.”
“I can hardly breathe from laughing so hard. Xavier Lane, king of the women, the pussy whisperer extraordinaire, has been friend-zoned by a woman he has already fallen hard for. You have no idea how to get out of it, do you, Mr Expert?” My sympathy is now waning, he’s pissing me off. Part of it’s because I’m worried what he is saying is true. I know she likes me, but will I be able to convince her to let me be more than just a friend when we get to that point? I sit there sulking for a little while, waiting for Kane to pull himself together.
“So glad I shared my day with you,” I mumble as I pick up my beer to take a long mouthful. I need something stronger but it’s not worth the headache early in the morning. The strong stuff is kept for the nights I’m not getting up training the next day.
“Look, mate, I’m sorry, it’s just funny from my end. But I get that, to you, it
’s serious. I’m not that much of a prick to really mean it. You really like this girl, don’t you? You don’t even need to answer that. It’s written all over your face. I think I need to meet her. Check out what all the fuss is about. Why don’t we set up a night out for a group of us? Get Nat and Zara, didn’t you say Ally has a hot sister as well? Her brother, who you thought was okay, too. Anyone else you think of. It’ll be fun. You can call it a friend date, or whatever the fuck you like, but let’s just get her out partying with you. We will have you out of this friend zone before you know it.”
“Wow, you are so generous. Helping a mate out. It wouldn’t have anything to do with you wanting to meet Lilly, would it? I mean, that is just stupid to think you would be thinking about that, isn’t it?” By now I’ve calmed down slightly and can see his point of view. I would be doing the same to him.
“Yep, straight up not going to lie. If Ally has you this twisted up, I want to meet the sister. Not sure I want anything too serious, but she sounds like she could be fun. May as well find out, plus be your wingman. What do you say, does it sound like a plan?” I’m not sure I’m ready to take out Ally in a big group, even though she knows everyone. I just think it would be enough for her to stop talking and just shyly sit and watch. Soon, but maybe not quite yet.
“I’ll think about it. Right now, I just want to get through coffee with her tomorrow. Man, I sound like such a pussy.” Pausing, I look at him and put my hand up to stop the words before he thinks about it. “Nope, don’t even say it. That name is now heading to its grave never to be mentioned again. Got it?”
“You might want to tell your sister that, wasn’t she the one who spilled the beans?”
I groan at the thought of seeing Nat in the morning. I managed to avoid being on my own with her today. I didn’t even tell her about going to lunch. I need to in the morning. Otherwise, if she hears it from Lilly, which is more likely than Ally, she won’t be speaking to me.
“Yeah, I will, don’t you worry. Now get your ass back home. I need sleep. Got an early class in the morning. I need to be fully alert by the time my coffee date rolls around.”
“Such a girl.” He stands, starting to pick up his empties.
“Nah, man, just leave them. I’ll do it in a minute. Take your full ones home, though. Finish them off to help you get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day.” Smiling, I stand to see him out.
“Thanks for tonight. You don’t know how much I needed it.” That’s where he is wrong. I absolutely know and will be here every single time he needs me.
“Always here. No matter what time day or night. I mean it. I’d rather that, than me visiting you in a cemetery. You promise me you will tell me if this ever gets to be too much. Know you are never in this alone.”
Tears are in the corner of his eyes. As tough men, we don’t have these kinds of conversations, but this is too important to let our masculinity get in the way. Kane is struggling to answer.
“Promise, man, thanks,” is all he can manage. It is quiet and shaky, but I know he meant it.
“We good?” Back to being men!
“Yep, we’re good.” With that, Kane turns and leaves. It has been a big night for both of us. Looking at my watch it’s only nine o’clock. I need to head to bed but no matter how tired I am, I’m not sure if sleep will overtake me. My mind is still churning with so many thoughts and they’re all circling around Ally.
She surprised me today. The reaction to Dana shows how much she was hurt. Her hurt lets me know she cares. Then we go from a woman who struggles to say more than two words to me, to her relaxing into full conversations about all sorts of topics. I have never found it so easy to get to know someone. I could’ve talked to her for hours and it was a pain we had to cut it short.
Stuff this, I’m not waiting.
Xavier: Olives
Alesha: What? What does that even mean?
Xavier: Olives, I don’t like them either. Just so you know. Now you know two things I hate.
Alesha: You’re crazy. You know that, right?
Xavier: That has been proven many times. Tell me something I don’t know.
Alesha: About you or me?
Xavier: Let me see… I think I know enough about me, how about something about you.
Alesha: Peanut Butter. Which is weird because I love nuts!
There are so many ways for me to answer that message. Do I stay boring and safe, or bring in the funny, or can I dive straight into sexual innuendo? I just don’t know her well enough yet to know what I can get away with. If all else fails, ‘go with funny’ has been my motto up till now. I just don’t think I have it in me to ever play it boring.
Xavier: Ok I agree you’re weird or maybe you’re just nuts!!! Hahaha
Alesha: Really? That is Dad-joke-worthy at best. Thought you said you were funny.
Xavier: Is that a challenge, beautiful? Because another thing you need to know about me is I’m very competitive. I’ll rise to any challenge.
Alesha: Obviously. You just took a comment and made it a competition. You’re not one of those macho men who has to be the best at everything, are you?
Xavier: Am I a man? Yes. Am I macho (strong)? Yes. Am I a macho man who is an arrogant jerk? No way!!! I hope you can see that.
Alesha: Just checking. Don’t panic, I see that. I would never hang out with you if you were.
Xavier: I’m too much of an idiot to pretend to be all macho.
Alesha: And that right there is why I like you.
And that right there, Ally, has made my frigging day. I know it’s easier to write something like that than say it out loud. She likes me, and that is all I need to know to keep chasing her.
Our messaging went on for a while. I try to keep it light and funny for both her and me. I didn’t want to have a problem that I wouldn’t be able to sleep with, having to get up and take a shower to get rid of it. I see the time is now past eleven pm. I need to be up at four thirty am, so again I need to shut the conversation down. I don’t want to but need to. For her sake and mine. She has to work tomorrow, too. I imagine for her job she needs to concentrate, which is hard to do on limited sleep.
Xavier: I know you could read my totally amazing, scintillating messages all night, however I think we both need to get some sleep. I have an early start tomorrow.
Alesha: Oh, wow I didn’t realize how late it is. Yeah, we need sleep. I have this important meeting tomorrow I need to be alert for.
Xavier: Yes, you do. Coffee with me should be number one on your priority list for tomorrow.
Alesha: Umm, okay, keep dreaming funny guy. I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night.
Xavier: Night Ally. Get plenty of sleep for that very important meeting. I’ve heard the guy you’re meeting is hard work. You will need to bring your ‘A’ game. See you at eleven.
I waited for a reply. The little dots to say she’s writing. Nothing is appearing, so I know she’s gone. I set my alarm, strip off and settle in for the night. What a crazy day. It ended up better than I expected after all that happened. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.
Chapter Thirteen
Alesha
This timeliest week I was sound asleep. Clothes for work tomorrow, all ironed and laid out, ready for the morning. Agenda for the day in my diary, and laptop on the charger so it will be ready the moment I walk in the office. Same routine, every work day.
Tonight, I’m lying staring at my phone. I should be trying to go to sleep but part of me is hoping just one more message will pop up. Then I get to reply just one more time, that will hopefully then create another message from Xavier. How can your life change so much in just a few days, where now I can’t sleep waiting for my phone to ping?
The last few hours I learned more about Xavier than I know about any man I’ve ever met, besides my family. The discussion was not what you would expect, or, knowing Xavier, maybe you would. Most of it was full of useless trivial facts, which strangely I find so appealing. Not sure I needed to know, th
ough, what his favourite socks look like or that every time you lick a stamp you consume one tenth of a calorie. I mean, really, who knows this crap and what relevance does it have for life? Me, on the other hand, I was trying to give him random spurts of knowledge that could be useful. Just in case he was planning on snoring tonight, it would be useful for him to know that you cannot snore and dream at the same time. Now, to me, that’s far more useful to know than about a stupid stamp.
Who am I kidding? Nothing we talked about made any sense and would be no use to anyone. Yet it was the funniest conversation I’ve had in years. He doesn’t take life too seriously. Every time the conversation started to head towards anything too heavy, he quickly turned it on its head, to the point I was laughing out loud or struggling to type my reply because of the tears in my eyes. He brings out the humour in me, more than I ever knew I had, or maybe it’s just been hiding.
What is it about Xavier that I connect with? Is it maybe his humour, or his softness, his insanely good looks? Or perhaps, it’s his patience with me. More likely, it is the fact that he sees the real me. The fact that he calls me Ally makes me feel special. He doesn’t treat me like everyone else does. I’ve always been either in Lilly’s shadow, or just Alesha the quiet, dorky one. He calls me beautiful. I don’t believe him, but it is nice to hear it. He talks to me like there is no one else around. Most men, when I’m standing next to Lilly, only see her. I could be stripping naked and their eyes still won’t leave her. Xavier doesn’t even see Lilly when I’m in the room.