by Flynn, Poppy
"It's like I've swapped what I believed was a budding, good humoured relationship for something staid and stern, where all I get out of it is someone telling me what to wear and when to eat."
"So I take it you're not a fan of accountability and punishment then," Trinity interjected drily as she cocked one eyebrow in what might almost have been amusement.
"Oh come on!" Grace retorted, slapping a hand down onto the leather of the curved bench seat. "Like there can really be any kind of accountability…well, unless I'm going to be accountable to myself, and that is pretty much what it boils down to."
She scowled fiercely. "Xavier isn't around to evaluate my actions…or lack of them. The truth is that he doesn't know if I eat the healthy diet he tells me to, or if I lunch at the time I'm supposed to do it. He has no way of knowing if I've actually worn the clothes he's chosen for me or something completely different. He can't even tell if I've gone to bed at the specified time. Because he's not there!"
Grace swivelled her head sharply and looked from one woman to the other. "I mean what exactly am I supposed to be getting out of this? Because I can tell you with absolute certainty that the only incentive I have to do any of this stuff is a somewhat jaded desire for Xavier to be happy. And believe me, that's waning at one heck of a rate!"
"Have you spoken to him about how you feel?" Luanna interjected calmly. "One of the things both Trinity and Logan drummed into me, is the importance of clear communication, and I have come to learn how very true that is through my own experiences."
Beside her, Trinity nodded in contemplation, adding her own quiet agreement to the redhead's words.
Grace sighed and the anger seemed to deflate right out of her. "You're right, of course. I do know that. But I've been putting it off in an attempt to settle into things, thinking they might improve with time. I didn't want it to seem like I was complaining about everything before I'd even given it a chance."
"Well, that's a worthy philosophy, but I think you can safely say that you've done that at this point. He's not going to know there's a problem unless you tell him."
"And here I thought these almighty Doms were always supposed to be able to tell when their subs were unhappy," Grace retorted sarcastically.
Trinity laughed out loud, and even Luanna grinned.
"He may well know that there's something wrong and have an idea that you're not completely happy," Trinity agreed. "But that's still not going to supply him with the specifics. He's not a mind reader, you know. None of them are, regardless of what they might like us to think. Which means the onus is on you to let him know."
"I do need to talk to him," Grace accepted graciously, blinking against the unexpected sting she felt behind her eyes. "And I will…if I can ever find the time to sit down face to face and actually have that conversation. I mean, seriously, I'm not even sure what Xavier's getting out of this relationship as it stands. He says he doesn't have time for a conventional relationship with his job and his additional commitments to the A&E department, where he's down as an emergency contact when they're short staffed."
Grace let out a throaty noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl. "And that's a damn joke as well. I mean, he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart in an effort to give back to the community, but I swear, they're taking advantage instead of making any real effort to fill their staff vacancies. He's there every single week, usually more than once, and that's after he's put in a full day at his practice, or on his days off, never mind his research hours…but I'm going off on a tangent here. That's not relevant. Well, it kind of is, but I'm getting off track."
Grace took a breath and reached for her wine again, sipping far more demurely this time.
"Anyway, my point is that he really doesn't have much time, and he never will unless he puts his foot down at the hospital. And yet on top of all of that, he's pursuing the relationship between us in a way which, if anything, is actually more time consuming."
"How do you mean?" Trinity queried with a frown.
"Well, since we're not living together, he has to make time in an already busy schedule to come to my house, choose what clothes I wear, deliver any punishments—all the stuff you'd expect," she explained.
"But it's often late, just before bedtime, in fact, so he refuses to let me cook for him, because he says I should eat earlier in the evening, and I'm telling you, he should be taking his own damn advice there," she huffed indignantly, with a pointed look at them both.
"So then, when he's finished with me, not that he's usually got much energy for anything, he has to drive himself home and then cook his own dinner before collapsing into bed and doing it all over again the next day."
"You're worried about him," Trinity observed with an understanding nod.
"Yes, of course, I am," Grace agreed. "The only time off he seems to get is when he's arranged to come here, and while that might be a stress reliever, it's not exactly the most relaxing pastime. Most of the time, he's shattered, and I don't think he can carry on the way he is without experiencing some kind of burnout." Grace blew out a breath and shook her head sadly. "And yet the relationship we have now is just adding to the pressure, rather than relieving any of it."
"I see what you mean," Luanna contemplated, nodding slowly.
"At least if I was a proper slave, I'd get to look after him and make things a little easier for him. The way things are, at the moment, I don't even get the satisfaction of doing those few little things that might make his day easier."
"Talk to him," Trinity advised as the man himself walked into the dungeon where they were all sitting, looking as tired and drawn as Grace had implied.
Yes, she would talk to him, Grace promised herself as pleasure lit up his face momentarily when he saw her.
The question was did she have the heart to do it right now, when she knew just how desperately he needed the R&R?
Chapter 12
The talk hadn't happened. Well, not the way she had wanted it to anyway.
Grace had chosen to wait and allow Xavier to enjoy his well-earned break and revisit the issues within their relationship on another occasion.
Except there was never enough time. She voiced her concerns in dribs and drabs when, inevitably, Xavier was too tired or too distracted to pay attention to what she was trying to say. Or when the minutes were too short, and they'd only just begun to touch on the problems before he had to leave.
So far, the only thing Grace had succeeded in doing was making herself even more frustrated. And with each failed attempt to deal with the situation, her frustration grew, until she felt as if she was about to explode. She found herself hanging on to her temper by a thread most of the times they saw each other, and she didn't know how much longer she could control it before she blew.
And then came the night when he was so late coming around for his evening visit, Grace was forced to stay up later than she normally would, and that was just the final straw.
She was tired, herself, from a hard day at work and she hadn't been sleeping well, worrying about the way things were with her and Xavier. And yet here she sat, staying up, waiting for him to arrive so that he could pick out her clothes for the next day, ask—and expect her to be honest—about whether she had followed the rules he had given her and then deliver her punishment if she actually admitted that she hadn't, when all she really wanted to do was go to bed. Or maybe just have a cuddle, not that that was a common occurrence, but it was what she found herself craving lately. Maybe it was just because her birthday was looming large on the calendar, later this month, and she was still no closer to her baby goal. Not even the option of finding a reputable sperm bank, since the way things currently stood had her psychologically hobbled.
There was rarely any time for anything else these days. No convivial glass of wine together, no private play to leave them both exhilarated and satiated. And certainly, no time to discuss the problems which were starting to bog down their entire relationship, leaching the fun out of every
aspect of their moments together.
It had been almost twelve weeks now, and Xavier still didn't have a key to her apartment. He had turned one down when she'd offered it, so she hadn't bothered again. It was just one more thing that annoyed her. Especially right now, when she was forced to wait up for him until he knocked.
The temptation was strong to just send him a text message and tell him not to bother because she was going to bed. In fact, she had dug out her phone to do just that when the distinctive double rap on her door announced that he had finally arrived.
Grace stalked over to the door and threw it open, turning and stalking away again without bothering to greet him, and right now, she really didn't give a shit what he thought of her actions.
She'd had enough.
* * *
Grace was mad. It didn't take a psychologist to read the grim set of her mouth and the rigid posture. Never mind the way she had flung open the door and then stormed off without so much as the briefest of greetings.
His shoulders slumped and he felt deflated.
What little bit of enthusiasm he had been desperately clutching to at the thought of seeing her; that torch which had kept him going during his excruciatingly long day, was slowly extinguished.
God, he was so tired. And he had so been looking forward to seeing Grace, of having a tiny oasis of calm and comfort in an existence that suddenly seemed determined to drown him under a deluge of never-ending responsibility and burden.
"I know it's late. I'm sorry," he apologised quietly, but if anything, his capitulation just seemed to rile her up even further.
"I don't want you to be sorry; I just want you to be there for me once in a while. I just want to feel like I come first in your life, for a change, and not some damn afterthought after you've finished prostrating yourself for everybody else."
Xavier sighed. "That's not fair, Grace. I appreciate I've been a lot busier than usual lately, and it's unfortunate that it's coincided with us taking our relationship to a new level, but it won't last forever. It's just a seasonal uplift. It always gets a little worse when the weather deteriorates and people aren't quite prepared for the changes. But I can't just turn my back on my patients. There are sick and injured people out there who need me too."
"Damn it, don't you dare try putting me on a guilt trip, Xavier!"
"Master!" he corrected with deceptive mildness.
"No!" Grace bit out viciously. "You do not get to pull rank on me right now."
"It's not about pulling rank," Xavier retorted with a frown. "This is supposed to be a 24/7 Master/slave relationship. That's what you agreed to, so it's more a matter of respect."
"Yeah? Well, you can stuff your goddamned M/s relationship. I knew I shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. This was never what I wanted, but I was stupid enough to think it was something we could build on!" Grace shouted recklessly as she paced angrily back and forth across the expanse of the living room.
"What the hell does that mean?" Xavier demanded, stopping her in her tracks with his hands firmly gripping her shoulders.
Grace shrugged him off indignantly and whirled out of his grasp.
"It means, this was a mistake and I should have gone with my gut instinct when you suggested this ridiculous idea, instead of believing that I could mould it into something a little more palatable."
There was a tense silence for several beats while her words hung in the air between them.
Grace winced, despite her anger. She knew that had come out all wrong.
"So, you were never really interested in this as a lifestyle choice, you just planned on manipulating the situation to suit yourself later on or…" Xavier sucked in a sharp, almost horrified breath as he realised the full implication. "What? You're telling me that even when we first started this thing, you had absolutely no intention of seeing it through?"
His normally well-modulated voice had risen with indignation and his accent was more pronounced.
"What was it to you, some kind of joke? Something to bide your time with until something better came along?" Xavier demanded, unable to quell his own rising anger at her seeming subterfuge.
"No! That's not how it was!" Grace defended, gesturing wildly with her arms. "You're twisting what I said and taking it all wrong."
"How else am I supposed to damn well take it, Grace?" he asked scathingly, his already dark eyes deepening to black with the turbulence that filled them.
"You just said outright," he hooked his fingers in air quotes as he repeated sarcastically, "'instead of believing that I could mould it into something a bit more palatable'. I'm not sure how I can possibly have misinterpreted that. It's pretty straightforward and it's pretty damning!"
Grace spat out what sounded like a cross between a squeak and a growl from between her gritted teeth and clenched her hands into fists tight enough to turn her knuckles white. "Okay, so I didn't word it in the best way, but—"
Xavier cut off her excuses. He wasn't sure he even wanted to hear them right now. They were both too tired and too highly-strung to take care with what they said to each other, and he knew there would probably be regrets tailing hot on the heels of the recriminations the following day if they chased this vicious argument to its conclusion.
But he also knew it had been a long time coming and Grace, in particular, was probably too far gone to shelve this dispute and come back to it when they were both a little calmer and level headed.
He did his best to rein in his own simmering anger at what felt like a complete betrayal.
"I was honest with you," he told her as evenly as he could, even though that meant having to talk through his own gritted teeth. "I told you what I was looking for, and I told you I wanted it to be permanent. I even told you there would be no bad feelings if you didn't think it was right for you, so it's not like there wasn't an easy out."
He sucked in a ragged breath and looked her right in the eye.
"Damn it, Grace, Didn't I ask you to think about it carefully before you agreed?" he implored, spreading his fingers wide. But exhaustion and disappointment quickly turned his words more derisive.
"So, please, do try to explain your side of things to me, because the alternative is that you must have known, right then and there, that you had absolutely no intention of making a genuine commitment to what I suggested."
"Look, I admit that when you first asked me, I wasn't really interested in the lifestyle you were proposing…" She seemed to falter, as if she realised just how badly her admission sounded, and her brief explanation dried up altogether, but she'd already said enough.
* * *
Each word that came out of her mouth jabbed into Xavier's chest like a knife, and he found himself rubbing at it like it was a physical pain which he might be able to ease.
But there was no way to alleviate the ache he was feeling all the way down to his soul. How could he have read this so wrong? The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth and the very real power to undermine his confidence in himself.
He didn't like feeling like he was on the back foot and was driven to find out the answer, to work out just where things had gone wrong. Was all of this his fault?
Had he not spent enough time meeting her needs? It was true; he had been unexpectedly busy recently. But what was he supposed to do about that? He was a doctor, and other people needed him too. He really couldn't just turn his back on them.
Or had she straight out misled him? And if so, then why? What had she hoped to gain from stringing him along?
His tone was cool and remote as he asked the question, his face devoid of expression, "So, if the idea was so abhorrent to you, why did you even bother? It seems like all this time you've just been leading me on…for what? That's what I'd like to know."
Grace still said nothing, so Xavier continued.
"Was it just a bit of a lark? Did any of what we shared mean anything to you at all? Because I have to say, it seems pretty juvenile to me. I thought we were past the stage in our
lives where we played those kinds of games with people's feelings."
His brow creased into an angry frown that belied the calmness he was striving to exude with only marginal success.
"What the hell am I saying? There is no we. I know damn well that I treat people with a damn sight more respect. Clearly, I was wrong about you!" he spat derisively.
The tiny spurt of anger was short lived, washed away by an overwhelming wave of sadness and fatigue. What was the point in slinging barbs and recriminations? Sometimes, you just had to know when to walk away, no matter how much it hurt.
Xavier's shoulder drooped in defeat and he suddenly stepped back and went quiet.
Chapter 13
The overwhelming degree of guilt she felt put Grace on the defensive. She knew that Xavier's anger and disillusionment was justified, but the disappointment that stared back at her from within those dark eyes, the sadness with which they judged her—accurate or not—immediately got her back up.
Sod it! She wanted things too! Okay, so she might not have been quite so honest and up front about them, but that didn't make them any less real, any less coveted.
She had her own dreams, and she wasn't going to get them by sitting back and hoping that they conveniently fell into her lap. And she wasn't going to get them by playing a second fiddle slave to a part time Master. Xavier just wanted all of the pros without any of the inconvenience and upheaval of having another person disturb his comfy little life.
"How dare you say those things to me!" Grace yelled back at him when she finally found her voice again.
A good dose of righteous indignation had pooled in her gut as the guilt that was crippling her was doused under the deluge of resentment that his scathing words had unleashed.
"The bottom line is that I am simply not comfortable with being any man's slave," she retorted bluntly, metaphorically throwing her cards on the table. "It goes against every principle that I live my life by." She couldn't get any plainer than that.