by Renee Young
“Open it.” She shrugged. Doing what she’d asked I opened to her title page where she’d signed it. Just a heart and her name
“I even got it signed?” She smiled with me before gesturing to flip the page. The dedication.
To the first person to ever read my work, the man who pushed me to see that I deserved more than what I was giving myself.
To my Sawyer.
I was convinced beyond a doubt that she just wanted me to cry. “Livvy,” I’d said, unsure of what to even say to her.
“I know we haven’t known each other long and this is sort of a big thing. I just wanted you to know that even if we end up in a blaze of roaring flames, that I will never regret you. I will never look back on whatever we’d had with an ounce of anything but gratefulness. In such a short time, Sawyer, you have managed to not only be my hero, but you helped me to understand that I deserve more. I wanted to thank you so..” She shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. Like she didn’t just completely fill in every gap- every hole- in my heart and soul just from that simple comment.
I took the few steps across the office and gently set the book down before grabbing her face in my palms and pressed my lips to hers in a much needed kiss. I tried to convey every emotion she’d filled me with through just the light touch, but I knew it wasn’t enough. I was pretty sure that nothing would ever be enough to show Livvy just what she has made of me. I wouldn’t be satisfied if Livvy and I ever ended in- well anything at all. I do not see an end to Olivia and Sawyer. Not one that didn’t include us being together.
My stupid mind was urging me to tell her how I felt about her. The three little words screamed to be released from my chest, but I shoved them down. It wasn’t the time. I didn’t want to put any more pressure on Liv. Not while she was healing. I would tell her though. I would tell her and she would light up, because by then she’d have fallen in love with me too. I hoped.
Chapter 21
Last night, or rather this morning when the nightmare had woken me up, Sawyer shot awake with me. That was what I had been afraid of. The last thing I wanted was to disturb his sleep cycle. He’d held me tight in his arms and for the first time in two weeks I didn’t feel like screaming. He sat with me for hours, just talking.
He kept telling me how proud of me he was and how incredible I was. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to feel like I was actually worth something to someone. To anyone, even to myself. Fuck, especially to myself.
Yesterday when I’d given Sawyer the first copy of my book, for a moment I felt I could breathe. The look in his eyes as he gazed at me had me soaring. He had so much faith in me and it felt amazing to give him the first fruit of my hard work. The idea to dedicate my first book to him was something that had only been solidified with how supportive and kind he’d been with me throughout the entire ordeal.
With this man, for the first time ever I think, it wasn’t about just a good orgasm. Believe me though; with him they were the best. With him I wanted more. I wanted to open myself up to him, to the possibility that he could be my person. He’d been everything I needed through this. He was there to reassure me every time I looked over my shoulder, he held my hand when I needed him to without having to ask.
At this rate it was his fault I fell in love with him. He can’t have expected to be that perfect to me and for me and not expect me to be head over heels for him. Everything in me screamed to tell him, and then hold on tight. I don’t think I could watch him walk away from me. Away from what we could be.
There was nothing official about my relationship with Sawyer. We were just friends who enjoy the more pleasurable parts of being in a relationship. While we’d gone two weeks now without giving each other everything, there had been plenty of screaming and teasing. Plenty of orgasms, and plenty of satisfaction.
Every night I’d prayed for a dirty dream, like I used to have, that starred my Sawyer. Anything other than the terrifying eyes that were burned into my brain.
I wished I could say I was all better, all healed thanks to the man who warmed the bed beside me, but I knew I wasn’t. It wasn’t that easy. He couldn’t erase what had happened- how I felt. As much as I wish he could; and if anyone could it’d be him. He just can’t. It was not possible.
He tried though. He looked at me like I hung the stars and treated me like I did too. If I were to lose myself in a man I was so glad it was him.
It was so hard for me. Letting someone in. After I’d lost my parents the only people I got close to were Nova and Jamie. I wasn’t even that close with Colt despite how much I love my friend. I distanced myself, and I dealt with everything on my own. That’s how I’d always been. I’d never let someone in so completely as I had with Sawyer. He probably thinks I’m closed off, never to let him in, but he’s in. He didn’t knock down my walls, rather he carefully and calmly climbed over them. It was just him and I within the barrier. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’d never thought I’d needed anyone else with me. I gave people what they’d wanted. I’d smiled and I’d laughed along with them. No one really wants to know what goes on in someone’s mind. Not unless they loved them. So I think I’d keep it this way for awhile.
When I wrote my dedication the first thing I did was call Nova. I wanted her to know that she was my best friend and I love her. She’s always been supportive and I appreciate that, but Sawyer had changed things in me that only he could. She understood in fact she gushed over it. She thought it was the cutest thing I’d ever done. I’d worried she would think I didn’t appreciate everything she’d done for me, but she understood. I should have known she would.
Nova has never been anything but understanding and supportive of me. She was the family I needed and the family I had after the passing of my parents. She was there even when my manic episodes caused me to try and push her away. She never gave up on me and I will never be able to repay her for that.
“Are you working with Nick today?” Sawyer broke me out of my thoughts with his deep timbre. Every word slipped through me the way I imagined a droplet of dew slipped down an ice cold glass. I felt his voice rattle the most feminine parts of me, as it always did.
“No, I wanted to just relax after the PT I had today. It was a bit much.” I told him. This morning, after we laid in bed for about two hours with him just comforting me and me attempting not to lose all semblance of control I had over my emotions, I had physical therapy. We went a little harder than we had before and I was feeling a little tight and a lot exhausted.
“Okay. I can work from home today. I don’t have any meetings or anything.” He smiled and came to sit beside me on the couch. “What should we watch, love?”
“How about we just nap.” I suggested with a little laugh. Sawyer looked as tired as I felt. It was my fault for waking him up this morning. I hadn’t intended to, I think he was just hyper aware of my movements after finding about the nightmares.
“That’s it right there, you were made for me.” He laughed and laid his head on my shoulder with a cheesy little smile. Though the more logical part of my brain understood that he was being cute and teasing me, my heart felt it appropriate to thump a little harder just from the comment.
I wanted him to think that I was for him. I wished for him to look at me the way I knew I looked at him. Like he held the key to everything I'd locked away. Sometimes I let myself believe he could be just as in love with me as I was with him because of the way he treated me.
We laid there in silence for a while after we’d readjusted so I was now laying against Sawyer. The rise and fall that accompanied his every breath was soothing to me, along with the strong beat that thumped in his chest. I could feel his eyes casted down on me; seemed he was having an issue napping as well.
“Whatcha thinkin’?” I wondered, my voice barely above a whisper. I felt a little bit like I was disturbing the peace so I didn’t want to be too loud.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep.” He said with a sheepish smile. I gig
gled a little, but I had to agree with him. Napping didn’t always come easy to me. I’d lay down and then my mind would take over. Running miles every minute- thought after thought invaded my head and I wouldn’t be able to calm it down.
“Yeah, I feel pretty restless too.” I responded.
“Can I ask you something, love?” He wondered. The smartass in me wanted to point out that he just did ask me something, but he looked serious and thoughtful, so I figured it wasn’t the time. I just nodded and leaned away so I could look at him a little better. “What are your views on marriage and kids? Do you want to be a free bird forever or would you maybe like to have your own flock?” I couldn’t help but giggle at his little analogy and he just stuck his tongue out at me.
“I want to get married for sure, and I do want kids absolutely.” I answered straight and tried to force the images of Sawyer in the role of my husband and father of my children. It was useless though. “What about you? I know you want kids, but do you see yourself getting married again someday?”
“Honestly?” I nodded. “I think I would like to try it again. The falling in love, giving myself over to someone completely- all of it, and if that resulted in the white dress and the vows and all, well-” He paused, his thoughtful look reappearing. “I think I’d like that. I think that I could find someone better for me than Meghan was. Someone who will treat me as well as I treat her. Someone who will love me as deeply and completely as I love her.” He continued, looking right in my eyes with an intense look in his. “I don’t want to be that guy anymore.” He whispered and I was about to ask what he meant, but he beat me to it; “I don’t want to be the guy juggling various hookups. I don’t want to be the guy who secretly hates himself for the way he treats women. I want to be someone’s everything; just like she is my everything.”
His eyes never left me as he spoke about this woman who would someday hold his heart and everything in me screamed to tell him that he is someone’s everything. He is my everything, but I couldn’t. It would be too much. He is my support system right now and I couldn’t do anything to risk losing him.
“I-” I was cut off by the ringing of his cell phone. I thanked every god there was because I had no idea what I was about to say and I wouldn’t put it past me to blurt out everything in my anxious mind.
I got a quick smile from the beautiful man as he dug his phone out of his pocket. His brows rose as he read the caller ID and he answered it quickly.
“Hello,” He paused and listened to the other voice. “That’s good to hear.” He paused again before assuring whoever was on the other line that ‘we’ would be there. Then he hung up the phone and looked at me with a smile, behind that smile I noticed the worry in his eyes.
“Who was that?” I asked.
“That, my dear, was Detective Shawn. He gave me an update on the case. Seems they made an arrest today.” His smile grew a little and to be honest I couldn’t tell what I was feeling. There was a mix of apprehension, relief, anxiety, calmness, and fear all swirling through me.
“So what do we do now?” I wondered. I could hear the hesitance in my voice, which means Sawyer definitely could. He rarely missed anything. I’m sure it had something to do with him being a lawyer.
“They don’t need you for a lineup or anything. They have his arraignment set for tomorrow. I told him we would be there, but if you don’t want to go then of course you don’t have to.”
“I’ll go.” I said right away. I wanted to be held up to date on everything. I needed to know every step of the process. He smiled at me.
“I thought you might want to.” He leaned towards me and kissed my temple. “This calls for a celebration.” He announced.
“And what are we celebrating?” I wondered.
“Your safety, my love.”
That was all it took for Sawyer to convince me to have Jamie and Nova over for a bonfire in his backyard. They’d both been very excited when we called them and invited them over. Sawyer let it slip that we were having a little mini party, just the four of us, to celebrate Mike getting arrested.
“Okay, we brought wine and we brought cake!” Nova shouted as she entered Sawyer’s backyard where we’d been seated around a fire.
“Cake please!” Was my verbal response while I stood up from Sawyer’s lap and hobbled a little to hug my friends. Jamie held out the chocolate cake with chocolate frosting without further question. I didn’t miss the strange look on my best friend’s face as I went for the cake rather than the wine. Wine has always been my kryptonite. She waved it off with a shrug before greeting my Sawyer.
I couldn’t tell anyone how long we all sat around that fire laughing and smiling. We shared stories about our friendships and life. It was carefree despite the impending court hearing we were to be at the following day. I spent the evening in constant contact with Sawyer. If I wasn’t on his lap then he was holding my hand or he had his arm wrapped around me.
I didn’t touch the wine, and no one else did either. I think they were waiting for me, but for once I just wanted to be completely clear minded and just enjoy my people. This night, this was what I needed. For the first time since my attack the smile on my face was full. I felt free to be happy. Free to not be terrified of my own shadow.
In the back of my mind I knew that things weren’t finalized. They wouldn’t be until after the trial, but I wasn’t scared. Not while we were all together around the glowing flame. Not while Sawyer took care to always have his perfect hands on me somehow. Not while my best friends sat beside us and we talked about their upcoming wedding.
Chapter 22
The morning of the arraignment breathing was a little harder than I’d expected. It wasn’t a simple task of just filling my lungs and expelling the spent air. It felt heavy. It felt hard.
Sawyer did his best to try and comfort me, and he did a little bit. It just wasn’t enough. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was forgetting something or that something would go wrong. The nightmare I’d had was a little different than usual. It ended with Mike’s sinister eyes alight by the equally terrifying grin on his face and him repeatedly assuring me that I couldn’t stop him. Nothing I could do would prevent him from getting to me.
I woke up even more afraid than usual. I had tears running down my face as Sawyer gripped me in his arms. He rocked me back and forth and I could feel him shaking along with me. I wanted more than anything to be able to turn around and comfort him. I hated myself for causing him pain. I could hear it in his voice as he was whispering his assurances to me. The pain was in his chest, and it was my fault. I knew it hurt him to see me like this. He’d come to care about me, and it was hard to see someone you care about in pain. I knew because I felt it too.
Last night had been perfect. We stayed out late and we were happy. We were laughing and singing and sharing stories. It was almost as if nothing had happened. If it weren’t for the annoying throb of my knee I might have been able to forget about it. I wished to go back to that.
Back to the bonfire surrounded by the people I loved most in the world. Back to the humor I felt while Nova told her fiance about the time in high school where she and I ditched class just to go bowling.
There was no humor in this situation. Not a single part of me wanted to laugh or even smile as Sawyer and I sat side by side in that courtroom. No. I wanted to leave. I wanted to stand up with his hand gripped tightly in mine and walk away from there. Never look back. Maybe even leave the state.
A bigger, more prominent part of me needed to see this through. I needed to see him be put away. I needed to be sure, without a doubt, that he was locked up and he couldn’t find me. So I sat there. My uninjured knee was bouncing as the nerves coursed through my body. Sawyer’s hold on my hand would tighten and loosen periodically in an attempt to calm the anxiety he knew I was feeling.
That was the thing about Sawyer Mathews. He always knew what I was feeling. Maybe he didn’t know I was in love with him, but he caught everything. Every little change in
my inflection while speaking or every little tick I felt if I was getting worked up. He knew me more than anyone.
I think it was mutual too. It wasn’t often Sawyer felt anything but confidence in himself and in his actions, but on the rare occasion that he was a little uncertain I’d caught it. I could read when he was euphorically happy- last night- and I could read when he was worried. He worried about me a lot. My favorite thing I noticed from him was when he was turned on. It wasn’t the obvious hardening below his belt that gave him away, though it did as well, it was the look in his eyes as they glazed over with lust.
Right now, based on Sawyer’s body language, he was stressed. His rigid posture and slightly elevated pulse that I could feel as our wrists were pressed together, gave away what he was feeling. I wanted to ask him why. Why was he so worried about this?
I was pulled from my overthinking when the judge called Mike’s case. The double doors at the back of the courtroom opened with a gust of wind and the room felt dramatically cooler. I’m sure it was in my head, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t afraid.
When Sawyer and I walked into the courtroom a little earlier that morning the first thing I’d noticed was the smell. It wasn’t bad, just different. It smelled warm in the room. Warm and clean; like the reception of a doctors office. Not sterile like at the hospital or even inside of the exam rooms, just clean. I could smell the slight lemon scent of the floor polish they’d used mixed with the distinctive smell of nervous sweat that they’d tried to mask. It wasn’t a noticeable scent, more like the smell version of an aftertaste, but it was unmistakable once you’d put a name to it.
I wondered then, as Mike was led into the room by his lawyer, if he smelled what I’d smelled. Was that the first thing he’d noticed? Did he ponder over the different notes as he tried to place their origin?
Unlikely, as I felt his eyes on me. I didn’t turn to look at him, and I dropped my eyes when he was in front of me and would have been in my line of sight. Strategically, I’m sure, Sawyer sat on the outside of the bench seat. He was effectively making a human shield out of himself for me, and at that realization I wanted to shout from the rooftops how amazing he was. He was taking care of me.