by I Beacham
They poured themselves a glass, returned to bed, and cuddled up watching the snow fall.
It was Nirvana for Joey.
Sam lay at her back scrunched up close with her head nestled to hers as they watched a blizzard ebb and flow with the gusts of wind.
“The snow’s lovely.” Joey found it mesmerizing. She always had.
“It’s beautiful,” Sam said. “Beautiful like you.”
“You’re going to be a romantic, aren’t you?”
“I guess I am,” Sam said.
Joey adored Sam’s love talk. It made her feel like she was the only woman in the world for Sam. She now knew she was.
“Forgive me for pushing you away. I’m sorry I’ve scared you,” Joey whispered.
Sam draped an arm over her and hugged her closer. “It’s in the past now.”
“Yes, but I’m sorry.”
They didn’t speak for a while. Joey eventually broke the silence.
“You want to know what happened out there. What I haven’t spoken about?”
“Whatever is haunting you, it needs to be brought out into the open. You have to release it. If you can talk about it, I think you’ll diminish its power over you.”
“A trouble shared…” Joey said.
“In a way, yes, but I don’t want to make light of it. You have to share what’s going on inside you with someone. That someone doesn’t have to be me, and I won’t be offended if you chose not to. But find someone. I’m not sure you can move forward if you don’t.”
“I tried a counselor before.”
“Did you tell them everything? Were you able to do that then?”
“No.” Joey hadn’t. She couldn’t.
Now she made a conscious decision. If she was going to change the pattern of her life, she’d take the first steps here with someone she loved and trusted.
Joey opened her mind and let the memories of that last journey into the Middle East flood back. She shut her eyes for a moment. It was a place she’d learned to deliberately avoid thinking of. In the early days, when she’d been rescued and when the counselor had probed, remembering only brought her pain. Then she’d played the events over and over in her head. They only increased her nightmares and made the flashbacks worse. She’d tried to block it all. She felt Sam squeeze her hand reassuringly.
“I never told anyone,” she started. “When we got there, everyone was telling us not to go out to Balshir. They said it was a powder keg about to blow, that the insurgents were close, too close. Sometimes you would get armed assistance to accompany you, but even the militia had given up on the area, choosing to place their forces elsewhere. Nobody wanted to go in. But I didn’t listen and we went anyway.”
“Was that so unusual?” Sam asked.
“No. I was a journalist wanting to get frontline breaking news. We would go where others wouldn’t to get those stories. That’s what news is about. It’s not about sitting comfortably or hiding behind fences and walls. News is about showing people back home what is happening in these volatile regions. It’s dangerous. So we took the decision to go in anyway.”
“We took the decision. Define we,” Sam asked.
“The team—Kurt, Max, and our interpreter, Mo. And me of course.”
“Were they your usual team?”
“Yes, we’d covered a lot of war zones together. We were like family.”
“So they knew the dangers.”
“Yes.”
“You said you all took the decision to go in.”
“We did.”
“You didn’t force that decision?”
“No.”
“So what was different this time?” Sam asked.
“Abu Rashid Ibrahim.” A chill went down Joey’s spine. She wrapped Sam’s arm around her tighter. This was what she couldn’t face.
“He was one of the interpreters in the region. We’d never worked with him, but he was a regular, well known and respected. A good man. The night before we left camp to go to Balshir, he came to see me. He told me not to go, that the area was too dangerous. Never had an interpreter done that. But when I showed no signs of listening, he begged me, Sam. I ignored his warnings. If I’d listened to him, the team…my friends, would still be alive.”
“Did you tell the team?”
“Of course. Kurt was with me when Abu was there. We all discussed it but decided to go in anyway. We’d done a lot of planning.”
“No one held back.”
“No. Kurt was the most insistent of all of us. We all ignored the warnings.”
“How can their deaths be your fault, Joey, when you all, to a man, decided to go in anyway?”
“You don’t understand. I was the one who should have put the brakes on. It was me wanting to go in to get the story. The whole idea was mine.”
“Yes, but they could have said no at any time…and didn’t. They were grown professional men.”
“Sam, I had this incredible international reputation for going after and getting the great stories. From the very beginning of my career, it seemed I had the golden touch. Little incidental stories broke into huge ones, and they brought me to prominence. I never planned that; it just happened. I’ve won an impressive array of awards and honorary degrees for being this indomitable journalist who goes right to the edge, regardless of danger, and gets the story. The team trusted my judgment. I’d never let them down before. They trusted my reputation. They’d have followed me to Satan’s gate if I’d asked them.
“I was so arrogant, so self-confident. I thought I was invincible and smart. I did all the checks, took all the precautions. I thought I’d weighed everything up and down to the finest detail of which route we’d drive in, where the safest place was to stay. But this time I blew it, and I got them murdered.”
“Did your own interpreter warn you?”
“No, because he believed in me too.” Her sigh echoed in the room. “Oh, Sam.”
Sam stroked her forehead, comforting her.
“I miss them, Sam. And I never got to say good-bye.”
The snow continued to fall. Joey’s heart ached, but she was glad Sam knew. She’d never told anyone about Abu’s warning. It wouldn’t have helped, or at least she hadn’t thought it would back then.
“I think you should try counseling again,” Sam said.
“Maybe. I don’t know.” Joey didn’t push the idea away like she had in the past.
“Think about it?” Sam asked.
“Okay, I promise.” She would. “I’m cold.”
Sam left the bed and found a blanket. She threw it over the bed and then drew up close behind Joey again and wrapped her in her arms.
“Better?”
“Better, Sam.”
“Now go to sleep, darling.”
Joey didn’t answer. Sam hoped there would be no nightmares this night, but her prayers weren’t answered.
It was about three in the morning.
Something woke Sam, but when she reached out for Joey, she wasn’t there.
She found her in the bathroom behind a closed door.
Joey was kneeling on the floor gasping for breath and sobbing. The scene terrified Sam. For a split second she thought Joey was having a heart attack. But Joey looked up at her and Sam saw the fear in her face. Sam knew Joey was having a stress attack. She’d seen one of these before back in England.
“What are you doing here?” Sam reached down to her.
“I didn’t want to wake you.”
It was cold and Sam dragged Joey back to bed. She wrapped her in blankets to stop her shivering.
“Nightmare?” Sam didn’t know why she asked. She already knew the answer.
Joey sobbed until she could sob no more.
Sam waited until Joey grew calmer.
“Tell me,” she said as Joey sat up and Sam got close in behind her, supporting her weight as she leaned on the backboard.
“It’s always the same. I’m in this dark place. I’m hiding and crouched low. I know there’s som
ething on the other side of what I’m behind. I don’t see it at first, but I know I’m afraid. Everything is dull, and there’s no sound. I’m alone. Then I see a wall. Half-way up it, something starts to push through. I see this shape materializing. It’s wispy black smoke, but it gets thicker and then it starts to fall to the ground. It’s menacing, and I can’t move. All I can do is watch it. As it falls, it takes form. It gets thicker and blacker. It becomes an arm with long tentacle fingers like molasses that turn and snake toward me. The fingers keep rising and pushing toward me, and I’m trying to push back…stay away.
“Then I must scream out and wake. I’m sorry I’ve woken you too.”
Sam wrapped her arms and legs around Joey, and she kissed her neck.
“You hid inside a cupboard.”
“The cabinet under the sink. I guess that’s where I am in the nightmare. I know I feel trapped and can’t move. I couldn’t then; the heat was suffocating.”
“How long were you in it?”
“I can’t remember. I got sick. I drank contaminated water, and I had a head injury. All I recall is being completely alone and that I didn’t want to die out there where no one would ever know what happened to me…or find me.”
Joey shivered. Sam hugged her closer.
“Promise me, Joey. Promise me that when you are in that dark space when the nightmares come, that you’ll share them with me. I might not know what to say. I might not know what to do. But I’ll be here for you. You won’t ever be alone.”
Seconds passed before Sam heard Joey reply, “I promise. But I was the only one who survived, Sam.”
Sam moved to face her. She wiped the hair from Joey’s face. “And I’m so glad you survived. I wouldn’t have you here in my life if you’d died too. You’ve given me a life I thought I could never have. I have a chance to love and be loved. I thought that was beyond me.”
Joey smiled.
“I love you, Reverend Samantha Savage.”
“And I love you, Josephine Barry.”
Joey eventually fell asleep in Sam’s arms.
Chapter Nineteen
Sam stared out the sitting room window.
The snow was no longer falling, but it lay deep and treacherous. Nothing moved. The army of city workers wasn’t visible, and she expected they’d stayed at home, unable to get to their places of work. She could see only a few daring, arguably mad, souls braving the wintery elements below. Rather them than her, she thought.
They had slept late, and she was grateful that Joey had finally managed to sleep restfully.
“I really need to see Mom,” Joey said as she handed Sam a coffee and joined her at the window.
As if by divine providence, a snow truck plowed its way down the street below.
“I don’t fancy our chances getting back to the hospital just yet,” Sam said. “We might this afternoon after the roads have been cleared and if it doesn’t snow again.”
Joey looked resigned to the fact. “I’ll phone Dad and get an update.” She grabbed her cell and dialed. She waited as it rang and was about to disconnect when her father answered.
“Hi, Dad, it’s me. How’s Mom?”
Sam could hear Len talking but couldn’t make out what he was saying. Whatever he said, it made Joey brighter.
“That’s great, Dad. Sam and I are at the apartment, but we’re snowed in too. We’ll try to join you later this afternoon. The plows are out so as long as it doesn’t snow again.” She paused as Len talked. “I don’t know if the MTA is running, but I’ll check. We won’t drive in this, don’t worry.”
“Tell him his bike’s safe.” Sam grinned.
“Sam says to tell you the bike’s safe.”
Sam heard Len laugh.
“Tell Mom I love her and not to worry. I’ll see her as soon as I can get in.”
There was more incomprehensible chatter from Len.
“Love you too, Dad. Take care.”
Joey set the phone down. “Mom had a good night, and he’s been with her. He got snowed in at the hospital so he slept in her room in a chair. He wasn’t going to leave her anyway. They want to keep Mom in for another day or two, to run the tests, but they’re pleased she’s responded well to the medication.”
“That’s great.”
“I hope we’ll be able to get in this afternoon. You’ll come with me?”
“Of course.” Sam knew Joey wouldn’t be happy until she saw Ann.
“I can’t believe Mom has a heart condition. I’ve always been more worried about Dad.”
“Why? He seems a sturdy enough chap.”
“He’s ten years older than Mom, and over the last few years he’s aged.”
“Still looks healthy to me.” Nothing Sam had seen had ever worried her regarding Len…or Ann. On reflection, maybe her reassurance wasn’t worth much.
“I guess. It’s just come as a surprise that’s all.” Joey paused. “I think we should get out.”
Sam raised her eyebrows. “Out? Out where?” There was a mound of snow outside. Had Joey lost her mind?
“We’ll go for a walk. It’ll be fun.”
Joey had lost her mind.
“Fun?” Sam said.
“Don’t tell me you’re put off by a little ol’ snowstorm.”
“People die in this.”
Joey ignored her.
“Come on, dress up warm, Sam. We’ll just go around the block, maybe see if the Metro is up and running.”
Sam wasn’t sure why she caved in so easily. It was either because she knew Joey needed to take her mind off her mother, or what they’d spoken of last night…or maybe Sam was just in love and couldn’t refuse her. Whatever the reason, Sam kitted up, zipped and buttoned everything that could be zipped and buttoned, and walked out into the perishing arctic conditions.
An hour later, as she high stepped snow heaps, she reminded herself that a Brit’s idea of a block wasn’t the same as an American’s. It was longer…a lot longer. They passed a Metro station that was closed, but when they got back home, the radio said there was limited service. Joey looked into it on the Internet.
“We’ll be able to get to the hospital later today, Sam. We just have to walk a few blocks to get to the nearest functioning subway.”
Oh joy. The thought of going back out there didn’t fill Sam with enthusiasm, but if it got Joey to Ann, so be it.
“You don’t like snow, do you?” Joey said
“I love snow. I’m just not the South Pole sort of woman.”
“No, you’re the English vicar sort.”
Sam shrugged. “I’m not even that at the moment.” It reminded her she wanted to ask Joey something. “Are you still coming back to Stallion?”
“Of course I am.”
“Are we going…” Sam wasn’t sure how to voice it.
“You want to know if we’re going to live together.”
“Yes.”
“I think we should.”
Every organ inside Sam’s body smiled.
“Does it bother you my being an ordained minister?” Sam asked.
Joey stepped back to look at her, her face serious. “Of course it doesn’t bother me. I don’t have a great profound philosophy on life. I’m not a religious woman, but I’m not an atheist. My mother believes in God, as do you. That makes me pause. I wonder how two such intelligent, wonderful people who I love and respect can see something I can’t. But I can’t, and that’s all there is to it. I’ll stick with being agnostic, deeply spiritual and someone who is nice to children, animals and bikers. Will that do?”
Sam nodded. “My prospects are also a little questionable at the moment. I’ve no job, and probably no home. Vicarages are for vicars. I handed my notice in.”
“Then you’ll have to find work, and the sooner we get somewhere to live the better. What will happen to Gloria?” Joey asked.
Sam frowned as she thought about her housekeeper. Leaving her wouldn’t be easy, and Gloria was no spring chicken. Would she want to “break in”
another vicar? The thought of Gloria giving up the job and being alone bothered her. “New vicar,” she answered.
It pleased Sam that Joey didn’t look happy regarding Gloria’s change of fortune either.
*
Joey spent over an hour with her mother.
Sam stayed with Len in the waiting room. There was a one-visitor policy so as not to overtax Ann.
“I don’t hear screaming,” Len said, looking toward Ann’s room.
“No. A good sign, yes?”
“Not bad.” Len glanced at his watch. “In fact I’d say it was downright encouraging.”
Sam sipped the liquid the vending machine called coffee. It wasn’t good, but it was wet. Len had declined her offer to buy him one. She knew why now.
“You spent the night with my daughter.” Len wasn’t asking a question.
Sam choked.
“I meant,” he added, “that you stayed over at the apartment because of the snow.”
Sam relaxed. “The blizzard came in fast. I couldn’t get back to your place.”
“Would you have had to?”
This was turning into a meaningful conversation, one of those “man-to-man” chats. Sam felt inadequate. Normally, she asked the probing, confessional type questions.
“Len, you’re not going to ask me my intentions again, are you?”
His tired face broke into a grin. “Nope.”
“To answer your question, Joey asked me up to the apartment.”
“You’re on better terms.”
She put her coffee down and faced him. “We had a good chat.” And a few other things. “I think it’s safe to say we’re on better terms.”
“Good terms as in long-term?”
“Could be.”
How Sam hoped it was the truth. It looked like Len hoped so too. There was a smile on his face and a look of contentment.
“You’re a bit of a miracle worker, you know. I guess it’s being a vicar and all.”
“I don’t think my clerical background has anything to do with it. The time was just right, and I think Ann’s attack has shocked Joey back to her senses.”
He played with the strap on his watch. He was a good parent. He still worried about his adult daughter despite all her life experience.