Gently boil the beans in stock until almost soft. Add rice and chili and cook for 20-30 minutes until rice is tender. While cooking, consider working at a theme restaurant, like Planet Hollywood, because if someone you know shows up, it is an open question who should be more embarrassed. Enjoy beans with some hot sauce, if desired.
* Names have not been changed to protect now middle-age mean girls in humdrum lives.
MOVING TO RUSSIA TO LOOK FOR WORK CHOCOBANBUTT PANINI
You will need:
Sweaters
Toilet paper
Jeans
Parka
Russian-language dictionary
Furry hat
Peanut butter
Banana
Chocolate hazelnut spread
2 slices white bread
“здравствйте, я здесь для того, чтоБы цодать заявку на продаку пози ции,” which means, “Hello I am here to apply for the sales position!” or “What time does the duck tie his shoes?” Spread peanut butter on 1 slice of bread, chocolate on the other. Don’t worry about the prohibitive cost of the chocolate spread—pretty soon you are likely to be earning a whopping fifteen thousand rubles a month! Never mind that that translates roughly to $550, it’s still more than you’ve brought home in the year since you were laid off.
Slice bananas and place on peanut butter. Enjoy fresh fruit now, because it is hard to come by in the Russian winter that lasts from mid-August to late July. Layer slices on top of one another and place in a small nonstick pan over high heat. Press down on top slice to squish flavors together and toast the bottom. Flip and repeat on the other side.
When both sides of panini are toasted, turn onto a plate. Enjoy as you learn how to say, “значит пи зто раьота вклЮчает прокие и питание?” which means, “Does this position include room and board?” If the answer is nyet, proceed with the following: “могу ли я слать в вашей кар тоельный погреБ?” or “May I sleep in your potato cellar?”
CINNAMON-SPICED APPLE FRITTER FOR WHEN YOUR HUSBAND RAN OFF WITH THE BABYSITTER
You will need:
2 apples
2 cups Bisquick
⅔ cup milk
1 egg
1 tsp. cinnamon
Oil for frying
Frumpy-looking nanny
Chop apples, roughly, leaving skins on. Wish that you had hired a rough-looking sitter instead of the beautiful blonde college student who watched your kids all summer. Mix together Bisquick, egg, and milk and stir in cinnamon.
Call mother of former babysitter to let her know that her daughter is a lying filthy home wrecker, and that she not only stole your husband but also your self-esteem and your favorite blue cashmere cardigan.
Drop apples in batter and stir to coat. Fry in oil until golden brown. On floor in living room, do Pilates, painful stomach crunches, push-ups, and squats, all in an effort to reverse direction of your sagging mommy’s body. Collapse in exhaustion and frustration that you will never look as good as your husband’s girlfriend.
In a large pot, heat oil to 360°F. Drop battered apples into hot oil, taking care not to splash any oil on your face, as hideous burn scars will not help you in your upcoming desperate search to find a mate.
Turn fritters and fry until golden brown. Since children are closer in age to the babysitter than you are, they will likely need to be told why they should hate her. Compile a list of reasons for them, including lies, if necessary:She wants to send them to a school in the mountains where they
will have to forage for food.
She will spend their college funds buying fur coats.
She belongs to a cult that regularly sacrifices puppies and children.
She is German.
Sprinkle fritters with powdered sugar and enjoy as your last meal before the breast enhancement.
CHICKEN TERIYAKI FOR WHEN YOUR CAREER IN ADVERTISING HAS DESTROYED YOUR SOUL
You will need:
1 lb. Purdue Tender and
Tasty chicken tenders
1 cup flour
2 eggs
1 cup new-and
improved milk
1 red pepper, sliced
1 onion, sliced
¼ cup pineapple chunks,
if desired
6 Tbs. purchased teriyaki
sauce, now with no MSG!
2 Tbs. oil
Where’s the beef? Not here; we’re making chicken! Take the incredible edible egg and crack two into a bowl. Got milk? Pour it in with the eggs. Put flour in a separate bowl. I’m a pepper, you’re a pepper, wouldn’t you like to put some pepper into the flour? Then do it! Put in some . . . Can you hear me now? Good. Put in some salt too. Dredge chicken in eggs, then in flour. Time to make the donuts—I mean, rice! Cook rice according to package directions. Heat oil in a skillet, and then plop plop, fizz fizz the chicken into the oil. Add red pepper, onion, and teriyaki sauce and cook for 10 minutes or . . . Can you hear me now? Good. Cook until chicken is done.
Add pineapple and cook for 1 more minute, being careful . . . Can you hear me now? Good (that’s enough of that). Being careful not to slip on any egg that might have fallen on the floor or you’ll find that you’ve fallen and you can’t get up. You deserve a break today, but not that kind of break! Think to yourself, “I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener or a bricklayer or a plumber, or anything other than a soulless ad exec. I should have been a playwright.” Serve teriyaki over rice, being careful not to squeeze the Charmin. Hang head in shame.
MANIC-DEPRESSIVE BROWNIES, TWO WAYS! THE MANIC WAY
You will need:
2 sticks butter
8 oz. bittersweet chocolate
1 cup dark brown sugar
1 cup sugar
2 tsp. vanilla
4 eggs
1 cup flour
½ tsp. salt
At 3:00 a.m., butter a 13 × 9 inch dish. Cut parchment paper to exact dimensions of dish, being careful not to cut yourself with scissors due to shaky hands. If hands are too shaky for this task, run around your block five or six times to try to settle down. Butter parchment and place it in pan.
Preheat oven to 350°F. Check oven temperature every fifteen seconds until desired temperature is reached, hopping from one foot to the other and periodically bursting into fits of uncontrollable laughter.
Place water in bottom of a double boiler and bring to a simmer. If you do not have a double boiler, place a metal bowl over a pot of simmering water. When water is near boiling, stick your finger in it just to see how much it hurts. Do it again, and time yourself to see how long you can stand it. Melt butter with chocolate in the top of double boiler.
Call people on phone. When nobody answers, call friends in Sweden, folks who work on farms, and finally the Home Shopping Network. Buy six or seven of every item, just to keep them on the line.
In a separate bowl, crack eggs one at a time. Try to focus yourself for a minute to see if any eggshells fell into the bowl. If they did, get really mad at yourself and the eggs; then fish them out with your fingers and wipe hands on pants. Whisk in sugars, salt, and vanilla.
Fold in chocolate mixture amid growing feelings of grandiosity, admiring the swift and masterly way your wrist controls the whisk. You could be a pastry chef—as a matter of fact, if you were a pastry chef, you would probably be a world famous baker like . . . you would be the first ever world famous baker!
Pour batter into prepared baking dish and bake for 35 minutes or until glistening.
THE DEPRESSIVE WAY
You will need:
1 box brownie mix
1 egg
cup oil
Don’t bother to preheat oven; you’re not going to get that far. Combine brownie mix with egg and oil, stirring until you just can’t bring yourself to stir any longer. What’s the point? We’re all alone in an uncaring universe, essentially just killing time until we die. Probably,
there’s something just waiting to kill you right now. Perhaps it is the raw egg you are about to eat.
Using a large spoon, eat mix right out of bowl. Recognize your own worthlessness, using as examples the fact that you are sitting on the floor in the dark, in the same pajamas you’ve been wearing for three days, and the large bowl of batter in your lap.
POSTPARTUM POTATO PIEROGIES
You will need:
Shampoo
Soap
Clean clothes
1 box frozen potato pierogies
Sour cream
Applesauce
1 onion
Butter
It’s been three months since you forced an eight pounder into the world through your ravaged vaginal tract. You haven’t showered in a month, and in that time you’ve eaten nothing but lousy TV dinners brought home to you by your baby’s useless father. Oh, and the occasional spoonful of chocolate syrup. It’s pierogi time!
Making pierogies is an extremely time-consuming process, and Lord knows you don’t have the energy or fortitude for such a task. Luckily, frozen pierogies are available almost everywhere, and they are good enough for a depressive slob like you.
First things first: Strap baby into car seat or bouncy chair; stick it in a drawer, if you must—whatever you have to do to take a shower, because you stink. Make sure to scrub clumps of dried spit-up from back of hair. And use soap. Please.
After shower, put on clean clothes. It wouldn’t hurt to brush your hair either. Also, a little eyeliner goes a long way. Remove hospital ID bracelet.
Slice onion very thin and fry in butter over low heat. Add pierogies to pan and cook until nice and brownish. Serve with applesauce and sour cream; realize the baby isn’t going to cry itself to death if you put her down for a minute while you enjoy a glass of wine and dream about nannies and boarding school.
MIL FROM HELL TACO BELL
You will need:
Car
When your mother-in-law plops herself down in front of your computer to play Sudoku for hours at a time, do not bristle. When your mother-in-law forages through your refrigerator, pay no attention. When she asks you to make her a tuna sandwich, do so with a smile. When your mother-in-law extols the virtues of your husband’s ex-wife, saying that her tuna sandwiches were “exquisite,” do not shove said sandwich in her face.
When your mother-in-law tells your child that it is a pity he doesn’t have a mommy like her, pretend not to hear. When your mother-in-law has fourth crying jag in one day, complaining that your husband just doesn’t love her anymore, hand her the stinking tissues. When your mother-in-law falls asleep on the couch in the middle of the afternoon, get in the car.
Head for nearest Taco Bell and order:1 Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme
1 Gordita Baja
1 Chalupa Nacho Cheese
1 side Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes
1 large Mountain Dew Baja Blast
2 orders Cinnamon Twists
Eat while sitting in car, taking as much time as needed to remind yourself why you put up with her: not because your children love their grandma, but for her house in Nantucket.
EMERGENCY FOOD SOURCE FOR PLANE-CRASH SURVIVORS
You will need:
Confidence
Quick thinking
Patience
Sharp object
This recipe is, as stated, only for emergencies and not to be used if your plane has crashed on, say, an island with lots of food sources or someplace where there is access to grocery stores.
First move the bodies of the deceased to a cool area. This is easier if you have crashed on a mountain or near a polar ice cap. Next you must quickly assign blame for the crash. The easiest person to blame is the pilot. But as you are the pilot, you need to quickly point the finger elsewhere; wear your pilot’s hat for extra gravitas. Tell the other survivors that the copilot smelled like alcohol, and that you knew he had a problem but you didn’t know how bad it was till now.
You will also need to ingratiate yourself with the other survivors. Some of them may be complaining (there may be bone fractures, gashes, whiplash, or missed connections); some may have tedious personalities; some will just be jerks. No matter! You must make them like you, and to do that you have to listen to them and—this is very important—you have to empathize with them or at least make them think that you do. Without this crucial step, you risk mutiny.
Once people start to get hungry, it’s time to make some hard decisions. The first is who to eat. This is why it was a good idea to assign blame: That person is first up on the chopping block.
Using sharp object, find the fattiest portion of the corpse and carve out some nice-size fillets, one for each survivor. It isn’t really going to be possible to cook the fillets, but if there is a lens available, for example, from a severely myopic passenger, you can use it to focus sunlight onto the steaks and give them a nice sear. Repeat as often as necessary until rescue, or until you run out of people to blame. Then you’re on your own.
CAUGHT MOM AND DAD IN THE ACT TATER TOT CASSEROLE
You will need:
1 package Tater Tots
1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 16 oz. container sour cream
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
¼ cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese
1 can french-fried onions
Paprika
Preheat oven to 350°F. In a bowl, combine sour cream, half of cheese, and mushroom soup, realizing it is the same grayish brown color as your father’s naked behind. Suppress memory. Grease bottom of a large baking dish. Arrange Tater Tots in a single layer on bottom of dish, the way your mom was laying spread-eagle underneath your father.
Pour soup mixture over Tots, trying to convince yourself that it is sweet that they are still attracted to each other at this advanced age. As thinking of their advanced age brings to mind their sagging nether regions, vomit in your mouth. Brush teeth until fully convinced parents are perverted sex fiends.
Spread remaining cheese over casserole, sprinkle with paprika, and bake for 45 minutes to 1 hour, until golden and bubbling. Eat casserole while making upcoming holiday plans that do not involve parents, as eating around them is now impossible.
ALOPECIA PIZZA
You will need:
Pizza crust
Mozzarella cheese, shredded
Fontina cheese, shredded
Parmesan cheese, shredded
Ricotta cheese
Olive oil
Pepper
Preheat oven to 500°F. Roll out dough to a round pizza shape, about the same diameter as the full moon or your head. In the same way that you have been dabbing Rogaine on your bald cranium for the past year (to no avail), drizzle olive oil over dough and top with dabs of ricotta.
Take handful of shredded cheese and sprinkle it on dough, much like the handfuls of hair you pull out in the shower, and exactly like the hair that falls out all over your home, office, car, and any other place you happen to be when a mild breeze or fan is blowing.
Season with pepper and more olive oil, and bake for 10-15 minutes or until crust is baked and cheese melted. Do not attempt to place pizza on scalp to cover baldness, as it will burn more than the hair-regrowth serum you bought at the Amish market. Just eat it and be thankful that you still have your eyebrows. For now.
MOM’S OLD-FASHIONED CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP FOR CLOSET CASES
You will need:
8 cups chicken broth
½ chicken, in pieces
1 small onion, chopped
2 carrots, washed or scrubbed
(depending on what you’ve
done with them) and
thinly sliced
2 stalks of celery, sliced
1 Tbs. butter (not Boy Butter,
actual butter)
1 cup sliced mushrooms
1 squeeze fresh lemon juice
8 oz. wide egg noodles
½ cup fresh parsley
¼ cup fresh
dill
Place broth and chicken into a large pot like the one you found last summer, with your wife, at that fabulous little flea market in Amagansett. Bring to a boil. Place the lid at a jaunty angle on top to let off some steam and simmer until the chicken is cooked, about 20 minutes or just enough time to do your Buns of Steel workout routine.
Eat Your Feelings_Recipes for Self-Loathing Page 5