Take chicken out and put it into a bowl. Use years of practiced tough-guy behavior to remove skin and bones, and tear the meat into bite-sized pieces. Skim fat off broth. Yuck!
Turn up the heat on the broth, like you would love to turn up the heat with your brother-in-law Ted with his skinny jeans and plump little—get it together. Add carrots, onions, and celery to the broth. Simmer until they, and you, become soft.
Practice masculine walking, wearing sneakers or, better yet, Timberland boots. Practice saying “bro” and “dude,” and brush up on your sports stats.
Cook mushrooms in butter. When they start to brown, add lemon juice. Then add them to the pot, licking your fingers and pretending to be Nigella Lawson. Stir in egg noodles, herbs, and chicken. Season with salt and pepper, and lament the fact that “fantasy football” isn’t at all what you thought it was.
YOU GOT DRUNK AND CALLED YOUR FRIEND A SLUT IN FRONT OF HER FATHER CHEESEBURGER SOUP
You will need:
4 potatoes, cooked and cubed
1 onion, sliced
1 lb. ground beef
1 pack white American cheese
2 cups chicken stock (or as needed)
In a skillet, brown beef and pour off fat. Cook onion until soft. Phone florist and order one large bouquet for your friend and one for her dad. Pray nobody else heard you: Flowers are expensive.
Put onion and potatoes into blender, adding stock gradually until desired consistency is reached. Pour into a pot. Bring to a low boil and simmer, you know, like the rage in your friend’s father’s eyes as he shoved you into a taxi at his annual Fourth of July party. Apply bacitracin to the wounds on your heels from when you dug them into the driveway, screaming that you weren’t going anywhere until that slut apologized to you. Add ground beef and cheese, stirring until cheese is melted.
Replay events of the evening in your mind. You’d had a few drinks and gone to splash some cold water on your face. That’s when you found her in the bathtub with, not one, not two, but three of the waiters and her cousin—the one you were flirting with earlier. She’s lucky you didn’t call the police.
Phone florist to cancel her flowers, but have them send the bouquet to her dad. After all, it’s not entirely his fault that his daughter is a complete whore, and, even if it is, he throws a great party, with an open bar, and you want to be invited back.
PERFECT MASHED POTATOES FOR DISAPPOINTED PARENTS
You will need:
Potatoes
Cream
Butter
Salt
Pepper
Peel potatoes and cut into quarters. Rinse potatoes as you drain away any previously held hopes for the success of your child. Throw peels in garbage along with all college applications. You won’t be needing those, as your child has been thrown out of every school he ever attended, beginning with Little Rainbows Nursery School straight through to the work-study High School Equivalency Program.
Put potatoes in a large pot and cover with water. Potatoes will sink to the bottom of the pot much like your son, who, when you took him to swimming lessons, and no matter how hard they tried to teach him, sank to the bottom every time. Recall with vivid embarrassment how the instructor explained that your son had a complete lack of athletic ability, as well as an inability to close his mouth, even underwater.
Boil until potatoes are tender. Drain and rinse, the way you rinsed your hands of all responsibility when he was caught taking puppies from the local animal shelter and setting them on fire.
Return potatoes to pot and add cream and butter. Take out years of pent-up desire to throttle your son on the potatoes and mash them to a smooth consistency. Pour gin. Drink. Realize son has replaced gin with water.
Season with salt and pepper. Enjoy while accustoming yourself to idea that while most children leave home after twenty years, yours isn’t going anywhere. Ever. Consider taking up smoking to get it over with quicker.
BAD BOTOX BOLOGNESE
You will need:
1 rib celery
1 carrot
1 onion
2 Tbs. olive oil
18 oz. ground beef
3 cloves garlic, minced
½ cup white wine
2 cans whole plum tomatoes,
in their juice
cup milk
Finely chop celery, carrot, and onion the way you had your eye bags finely chopped off your face last year. Heat oil in a large pot over a medium-high flame. Do not attempt to save money on silicone by injecting oil into face, as it will lead to excessive plumping. Add beef and chopped vegetables and sauté for 8 minutes or until softened; then add garlic and cook for 2 minutes more. Lifts hands to physically feel if tears are falling. If so, apply tissue so as not to add tears to pot.
Add wine and simmer for 10 minutes. In your condition you cannot assume that people will be able to read your emotions on your face, so use this time to practice verbal expression of feelings. For example, “my dog died” must now become, “I am so terribly distraught that my beloved dog has died. I will miss him so much. I really, really loved my dog, and now he has died.” Likewise, “I’m really angry” must now become, “I’m so freaking pissed off at you right now that I am on the verge of ripping your head off. Take a good look at this frozen, paralyzed, wrinkle-free face, as it will be the last thing you ever see.” Add milk to pot and simmer for an additional 5 minutes.
Add tomatoes, squishing between your fingers to break them up. Leave to simmer for 45 minutes while you figure out what to do about those annoying knee bags. To eat pasta, tilt head back, open mouth, and shovel in noodles, using fingers to hold mouth closed while chewing. Bib suggested.
YOU WERE A BULLY IN MIDDLE SCHOOL BANANA BREAD
You will need:
1 stick butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1½ cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1½ cups mashed ripe bananas
½ cup plain yogurt
1 tsp. vanilla
Extra butter and sugar
Butter inside of loaf pan and coat with sugar; just like you coated the outside of Laurie Johnson’s locker with Crisco in eighth grade. That was a riot. Cream together butter and sugar, and add eggs. Remember the day you put the CREAMED MY JEANS sign on Danny Doyle’s back. Awesome.
Mix together flour, baking soda, and salt, and add to butter. Mix until blended. What was the name of that girl you used to kick in the stairwell after chemistry in seventh grade? Put the bananas, yogurt, and vanilla into the mix, and stir while you try to remember. She was short and had glasses. Hmm . . . Tracy? Maybe. What a loser. Decide to look her up online. Find a recent news article, “Tracy McGillicuddy Elected to Third Term in U.S. Senate”? What the . . .
Call upstairs to your mother to ask if you can use the oven. If she says yes, preheat it to 350°F. Pour batter into the loaf pan and bake for 1 hour. Take bread out of the oven, dot with additional butter, and sprinkle the top with sugar. Bake for an additional 10 minutes or until done. Invite neighbor-kid over for banana bread and stick his head in the toilet.
YOUR MARRIAGE IS A DISASTER SICILIAN LASAGNA
ou will need:
½ package lasagna noodles
1 lb. ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 pint ricotta cheese
2 eggs
12 oz. tomato paste
1 clove garlic, minced
1 cup water
1 Tbs. salt
2 Tbs. dried rosemary
1 cup shredded
mozzarella cheese
¼ cup grated Parmesan
1 cup pharmaceutical atropine,
ground*
Preheat oven to 350°F. Sweep up shards of broken glass and grandmother’s china from last night’s argument. Bring large pot of salted water to a boil and cook noodles according to package directions. In a large pan (perhaps the one you hit your spouse over the head with the last time he called you
a stupid cow and mooed at you every time you asked him something), brown beef with onion.
Meanwhile beat together ricotta and eggs, pouring anger, frustration, and tendency toward violence into the mixture. Remember that hubby stole ten thousand dollars from your grandmother to spend on Vicodin. Beat harder.
Rummage through his drawers until you find irrefutable evidence that he is sleeping with your sister. It should be in his sock drawer, under all the gay porn, and in the form of naked photos of the two of them together. Note with a modicum of surprise that the other person in the photos is your brother.
Back in the kitchen, add atropine powder to cheese mix, being careful not to taste or ingest in any way, as it will cause death. In a small pot, over low heat, combine water, tomato paste, garlic, and rosemary.
When noodles are fully cooked, assemble the lasagna in a 13 × 9 inch baking dish in layers as follows:Small amount of sauce
½ of noodles
½ of sauce
Ricotta-bitterness mix
Rest of noodles
Meat for the meathead you married
Rest of sauce
Mozzarella
Parmesan
Sprinkle the finished lasagna with leftover atropine. Bake for 45 minutes or until brown and bubbling. Place on table set with flowers and wine, with a little note just saying, “Sorry.” Perhaps draw a cute smiley face to discourage suspicion.
* Atropine, while not readily available in grocery stores, can be obtained with a prescription or by robbing a pharmacy. In remote areas, it is possible to make atropine from scratch if enough deadly nightshade is available.
YOU ARE GOING TO [VERB] [PERSON] FOR [ADVERB] [VERB] YOUR [NOUN] TWICE-BAKED POTATOES
You will need:
[Noun]
2 large baking potatoes
Coarse salt
¼ cup shredded cheddar cheese
2 Tbs. sour cream
2 tsp. chives, chopped
2 Tbs. bacon bits
Preheat oven to 400°F. Call _____ (person) on phone and tell them their _____ (thing) is _____ (adjective), and that they can shove their _____ (thing) up their _____ (adjective) _____ (place) until it _____ (verb). Wash potatoes thoroughly, then dry and roll in coarse salt the way that _____ (person) rubbed salt in your _____ (place). Poke holes all over potatoes the way _____ (person] poked holes all over your _____ (thing). Bake in oven for 45 minutes or until done.
Cut potatoes in half and scoop out flesh. Mix potato flesh with sour cream and chives, season with salt and pepper, and spoon back into skins. Go next door and discreetly borrow neighbor’s _____ (thing) and use it to _____ (verb) _____ (person), making sure not to leave _____ (things) on the _____ (thing). Return _____ (thing) to neighbor. Top potatoes with cheddar cheese and return to oven. Bake for 5-7 minutes or until cheese is melted. Sprinkle on bacon bits and enjoy while you _____ (verb) your _____ (noun) to convince _____ (person) that you are _____ (adjective). Clean up _____ (noun).
LITTLE SISTER EARNS MORE THAN YOU HAM AND CHEESE TOASTIE
You will need:
2 slices crusty bread
Ham
Cheese
Butter
Butter tops of bread the way your little sister buttered up each and every teacher she had in high school. Place ham on top of bread—this will bring to mind what a ham she was in the school play. In fact, nobody has ever played Rizzo with quite so much gusto. Wonder when people in town are going to stop saying, “Oh, your sister is Tracy? She was so wonderful in Grease!” You gave a really honest and subtle performance as Principal McGee. You didn’t need to belt out those crappy songs just to get attention. And it’s much harder to play an old woman when you’re a senior in high school than it is to play a senior in high school when you’re a junior in high school. Everybody knows that. Place cheese on top of ham.
Call little sister at work. When her assistant says she is unavailable, tell him that it is an emergency. When Tracy gets on the phone, do not bristle at the way she only says her last name instead of hello like a normal person. Calmly remind her that you scored eighty points higher than she did on the verbal SAT and hang up the phone.
Place bread on a piece of aluminum foil in a toaster oven. Begin to worry about Christmas. Do not allow a repeat of last year, when she gave everyone a trip to Europe and you gave everyone soap on a rope. Call parents and implement a secret-Santa policy with a twenty-dollar spending limit.
Broil in toaster oven until cheese is melted and bubbling. Enjoy with a tall glass of humiliation.
HE ONLY MARRIED YOU FOR HIS GREEN CARD CHICKEN SALAD
You will need:
2½ cups cooked chicken, cubed
1 cup diced celery
½ cup diced onion
1 cup chopped grapes
⅓ cup mayonnaise
1 Tbs. red wine vinegar
1 tsp. dried tarragon
Air mattresses or spare cots
Push past your husband’s brothers, the ones who seem to be suddenly living in your hallway, to get to the kitchen. Using hand gestures and speaking loudly, ask his grandmother if it would be okay for you to use your kitchen counter, where she has been preparing some sort of fried dumpling thing that takes four days to ferment. Place cubed chicken in a large bowl. Add chopped celery, onion, and grapes.
In a separate bowl, mix mayonnaise with red wine vinegar, if you can wrestle it away from his uncle who seems to rub it on his feet to purify his soul or remove warts.
Pause to look at wedding photos of a much happier version of yourself. Recall that you thought you had met the man of your dreams: tall, handsome, and seemingly in love with you. Wish your husband didn’t refer to your anniversary as “the day of escape from the fascist regime” and insist on celebrating by jumping through a bonfire in your driveway. Eye the mysterious “cousin” who glares at you, muttering what sounds like curses under her breath. What is her deal anyway? Maybe she’s just cranky because she’s pregnant.
Mix tarragon into mayonnaise and pour dressing over chicken, tossing to coat. Take bowl to rooftop to eat in peace before realizing you haven’t seen your cat in three days.
STIR-FRY FOR STRETCH MARKS
You will need:
2 Tbs. oil
1 red pepper
1 cup snow peas
1 cup broccoli florets
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
½ onion
Old-lady bathing suit
1 cup hoisin sauce
Slice onion and peppers into thin strips. While it is true that if you were to cut thin strips off your abdomen and thighs you wouldn’t have the stretch marks, do not do so! It is extremely dangerous and painful! Heat oil in a wok or large skillet, being careful not to scald flabby, nonelastic skin. Keep in mind that burn marks are no better than stretch marks and the two together are pretty messy.
In a large bowl, combine chicken, vegetables, and sauce. Toss to coat. Rub stir-fry sauce on problem area in an attempt to realize an as yet undiscovered treatment for stretch marks. If yours are as the result of pregnancy, do not blame or take frustration out on children, even though it is technically their fault.
Place all ingredients in wok and fry for 15 minutes, stirring often, until chicken is fully cooked. Enjoy over rice while you practice telling others that you view your stretch marks as a “badge of honor,” even though nobody will believe you.
LONELY CHRISTMAS PUDDING
You will need:
1 Christmas tree
Christmas music
1 box gingerbread or spice cake mix
1 can pumpkin
¼ cup butter
¼ cup confectioner’s sugar
1 bottle brandy, any quality, doesn’t matter
Put on Christmas music. Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease a Bundt pan. Prepare cake mix according to package directions, substituting canned pumpkin for egg and oil. Under the Christmas tree, find the solitary present you wrapped for yourself. Open and change into those new pajamas�
�just what you wanted! Pour batter into the pan and bake for 35 minutes or until done.
To prepare hard sauce, mix softened butter with brandy and sugar to taste. Oh, and you better taste the brandy. Then taste brandy again, just to be sure. No need to bother with a glass—nobody’s here anyway.
Remove cake from oven, douse with brandy, slather with hard sauce, and enjoy with more brandy.
Eat Your Feelings_Recipes for Self-Loathing Page 6