In the Absence of Rules
We had a pig when we was down on the little Chantay Seeche. The Doctorbegged him off a rancher, to eat up the scraps around camp. A neatperson was the Doctor and a durned good cook.
We called him the Doctor because he wore specs--that's as good a claimas many has to the title. His idee was that when the pig got fat hewould sell him for lots of money, but long before Foxey Bill (which waspiggy) had reached the market stage money couldn't buy him. He was agreat pig. My notion of hogs, previous to my acquaintance with him,was that they were dirty, stupid critters, without any respectablefeelings. Perhaps it's because animals get man-like, when youassociate with 'em a great deal, or perhaps Foxey Bill was an unusualproposition; but, anyhow, he was the funniest, smartest brute I eversee, and we thought a slew of him.
Clean was no name for his personal appearance. Every Sunday the Doctortook a scrub-brush and piggy down to the creek and combined 'em withthe kind assistance of a cake of soap. Then Foxey just shone white asivory, and he'd trot around in front of us, gruntin' to attract ourattention, till everybody'd said, "What a beautiful, clean pig--ain'the just right?" Then he'd grunt his thanks to the company and retirebehind the shack for a nap. We used to fair kill ourselves laughing atthat darned pig. He had the most wheedlin' squeal, so soft andpleadin'; and he'd look up at you with them skim-milk eyes of his sopitiful, when he wanted a chunk of sugar, that you couldn't refuse him.
"Clean was no name for his personal appearance."]
And knowing! Honest, he knew more'n some men. One day old Wind Riverwas tellin' some things (that _might_ have happened to him) in hisusual way, bein' most careful to get the dates and all dead right, youknow--"Now, _was_ his name Peter, after all? Comes to my mind it wasWillyam--Willyam Perkins--Well--But, anyhow, him and me, we saw thatInjun," and so forth. This was a Sunday, and the gang of us sittin' ina circle, fixing leathers and one thing and another and misstatin'history faster than a horse could trot, with Foxey Bill in the middle,cocking his head from one speaker to another, takin' it all in.
At last Wind River wound up the most startlin' and unlikely collectionsof facts he'd favoured us with for some time. Up gets Foxey with ashriek and gallops around the house. Any man with the rudiments ofintelligence would know he was hollerin': "Well, that's just too muchfor me; ta-ra-rum!"
"Up gets Foxy with a shriek and gallops around thehouse"]
Wind River looked scart. "Say!" says he. "Say! Thet hawg knows I'mer-lyin' jes' 's well 's I do!" After that old Windy used to talk tothe pig as though they'd been raised together.
"Old Windy used to talk to the pig as though they'd beenraised together"]
Foxey Bill made one miscalculation. He thought he was a small pet,like a cat. This didn't jibe with the five hundred pounds of meat hetoted. And, like a cat, one of his principal amusements was to havehis back scratched. If you didn't pay attention to him, when hesquealed so pretty for you to please curry him with a board, he'd humpup his back, like a cat, and rub against your legs. You instantlylanded on your scalp-lock and waved the aforesaid legs in the air. Ofcourse, when the other fellers saw this comin', they didn't feel itrestin' on their conscience to call your attention to it--in fact, wesometimes busied one another talkin' to give Foxey a fair field. SoFoxey had things his own way around the diggin's for some time.
"He'd hump up his back . . . and rub against your legs"]
Then comes bow-legged Hastings, our boss, with a ram tied hard and fastin the bottom of the waggon. He explains to us that the ram isvaluable, but that he's butted merry Halifax out of everything down tohome, and he don't want to shut him up, so will we please take care ofhim? And we said No--Wanitchee heap--we guessed not--never.
Then Hastings got mad and talked to us, flyin' his hands. Such adisobligin', stubborn, sour outfit he never saw, he said. What was theuse of his bein' boss, when we just laid awake nights thinkin' updisagreeable things to do to him? Was there ever a time that he'dasked us to do this or that, that every man in reach didn't r'ar up andjump down his throat? He said he'd rather be a nigger rooster on acondemned government steamboat than bear the title of boss of such arag-chewin' hide-bound set of mules; kick, kick, kick--nothin' butkick, and life wasn't worth livin'.
So then he went behind the shack and pouted. Well, we liked Hastings,and this made us feel bad--that's the way he worked us.
The Doctor, he fried up a dish of all-sorts in his happiest manner andtook it around in a cheerful voice. No. Didn't want food. Heart wasbroke. So then we all went and apologised and agreed to keep the ram.Then Hastings recovered, and we had that cussed sheep on our hands andfeet and all over us.
"No. Didn't want food. Heart was broke."]
Well, it was like the devil enterin' a happy home. As for Foxey, hejust took one long look at the brute, curlin' and uncurlin' his littletail; then "Hungh!" says he, and blinked his eyes shut, walkin' awayfrom there. I've seen times when I'd liked to been able to use theEnglish of that grunt, to thoroughly acquaint some gentleman of howlittle I thought of him, but I ain't got the gift of speech. It was anawful call-down--but the sheep, he didn't care. If there was such athing as a foolish Sheeny, that's what a sheep would remind me of.
"'Hungh!' says he, and blinked his eyes shut"]
But the rest of us run into practical and applied trouble in itsvarious branches. There's one night, the Doctor starts for the cabinwith a mess of flap-jacks in his hands, and the sheep comes up andpushes him in the pistol pocket so that the Doctor goes sailing intothe drink with a stack of brown checks hoverin' all around him.
"The Doctor goes sailing into the drink"]
Then Wind River shows his one tooth and rocks on his heels, hollerin'and laughin', and the sheep rises up and smites him on the hip andthigh so he flew after the Doctor like a grey-whiskered sky-rocket,with a ha-ha! cut in two in the middle. "Woosh!" says old Windy as hecomes up. "Hi, there cooky! I'll beat you ashore!" He was ahandy-witted old Orahanna, that Windy, and you didn't put the kybosh onhim easy. So it went with all of us. That ram come out ofno-where-at-all another night and patted me on the stummick so I prettynear fainted. I tried to twist his cussed head off his shoulders, buthe'd knocked the wind out of me so it was like fightin' an army in anightmare. I was glad when the boys come out and pried me loose. Oh,oh! How we hated that woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep!
"A ha ha! cut in two in the middle"]
"Well," says Windy, "I'm layin' fur th' day he snaggles himself up withFoxey Bill. You're goin' to see a nice quiet sheep after that happens."
"That woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep"]
The rest of us had lots of faith in Billy, but we couldn't see where hestood a show to win.
"Shucks!" says Steve. "The sheep'll knock the bacon out of him. TheLord knows I don't want to see it, but that's what's got to happen.Poor Bill ain't onto his style of fightin' at all. You know how pigsmake war--standin' side by side, tryin' to hook each other in theflank, gruntin' and circlin' around with little quick steps--how's thatgoin' to apply to this son-of-a-gun that hits you a welt like adomestic cannon and then chases himself off to the sky-line for anothertry?"
"Chases himself off to the sky-line for another try"]
"Well," cuts in the Doctor. "I ain't a-sayin' _how_--but Bill _does_him, all the same--bet your life."
"You talk feeble minded," says Steve. "Nobody'd more like to believeyou than me, but the points ain't on the cards. It'll be just likethat Braddock's campaign agin the Injuns. There goes the Britishers(that's Bill) amblin' gaily through the woods, dressed up in red andmarchin' arm to arm, for fear some careless Injun would miss 'em, andthere's the Injuns (that's that durned ram) off in the woods jumpin' upand down with pleasure and surprise. 'Oh, Jimmy!' hollers the Injun tohis little boy. 'Run get grandpa, Towser, mama, and thebaby--everybody's goin' to pick one of these and take it home--no Injunso poor but what he's entitled to at least one Englishman.'"
"That's all
right," says Windy. "But where's your Injun now?"
"Well," says Steve, flabbergasted, "that's kind of true, too; he hasvanished some."
"I bet you money," says the Doctor, "that Bill does him."
"I hate to rob the poor in mind," says Steve. "And yet I'd like tolose that bet--make it a month's wages?"
"I'm for standin' by my friend," says the Doctor. "I'll bet you up tothe first of January."
"Got you," says Steve. "You know where you can borrow chewin', anyhow.Any other gentleman want part of this?"
Steve had money he'd drew out of his poker game up-town, so the rest ofus stood not to live high until after January first, if Foxey Billdidn't lick that sheep. We didn't believe he would, but he carried ourmoney.
Well, sir, it was a tough time waitin' for the combat to come off.Bill simply despised the sheep. Couldn't stand near to him. The onlytime he'd stay by the house was when the sheep was off somewheres.And, of course, it was strictly against the rules for any person toaid, abet, or help either warrior, or interfere in any way, shape, ormanner.
I was two mile out from camp one day, when I heard "Ke-bang, ke-bang,ke-bang-ety, bang-bang-bang-bang!" The Doctor was losin' off all theguns in the shack to once. I hollered to Steve, him to Windy, and thenwe flew for home, leavin' the calves to their own responsibilities fora while.
The other boys was on hand when we arrived, their faces shinin' withexcitement, and yellin' to us for the love of Moses to shake a legbefore it was too late.
Poor Billy was pickin' himself up, after rollin' over three times, andthe durned ram was prancin' away, wigglin' his tail like little boysdoes their fingers, with a thumb to the nose.
"The durned ram was prancin' away"]
The Doctor explained to us, whilst we was waitin' for the next jar."There's Bill," says he, "eatin' his meal out of his half-a-barrel asquiet and decent a citizen as you'll find anywheres. That's his gruband he don't like grass. Well, what must that quar'lsome hunk of hornsand mutton do, but try to shove him away from there. Mind you, thatram does like grass, and he's got several hundred thousand square mileof it to lunch on--but no, sir! What he must have is a hunk of breadout of Billy's barrel. Now, Billy's no hog--he lets him have the pieceof bread--then the ram wants the hull barrel; hoops, staves, and all.That's too hootin' goldarn many for anybody to stand, by ninety-nineper cent., so Bill slams him one. The ram walks off and fetches him aswat like hittin' a side of beef with a fourteen-foot board. Poor oldBill rolls three yards. Then he takes after the brute, but the ramruns away as usual. Billy thinks the fight is over and goes on withhis eatin'. You're just in time to see the end of the second round.Bill's _goin'_ to lick him, but cuss me if I see _how_. He can't get_at_ that blaatin', skippin' mess of wickedness. He don't understandat all. If the sheep would give him one fair hack, he'd showhim--Look! Oh, Lordy! There he goes again! _Damn_ that sheep!"
It was an awful sight for Billy's friends to witness. I'll never tellyou how many times he went rollin' down the hill, only to come back asgame and useless as a rooster fightin' his reflection in a lookin'glass. He'd chase after the sheep, gruntin' fierce, but pshaw! thecritter'd simply trot right away from him, wigglin' that insultin' tailin his face. Old Billy's tail was coiled as tight as a watch-springwith rage.
"He'll _do_ him," says the Doctor. "He sure _will_! Now you wait!"
"I am waitin'," says Steve, at the end of the twentieth round."Waitin' and waitin'. The only play that I see Billy makin' is for thesheep to break his neck buntin' him. You hand me that rifle. I'll nowbet the crowd there's a dead sheep here in five seconds by the watch.I can't stand this."
But we wouldn't let him cut in. Fair play is fair play.
"Boys," says Wind River soft, "Bill has laid his ropes--I see it in hiseye!"
"G'wan!" says Steve. "You see it in your own eye!"
"Well, you watch," says Windy. "Bill and me has been pretty wellacquainted ever since that day he called me a liar--look at him now!"
Sure enough. Bill was nosin' his barrel away from the house. Icouldn't see the point exactly, but took it on faith.
He was knocked galley-west and crooked three times before he moved thething a rod, but whatever he had in his mind, he calmly went on with itas soon as he got up.
"He was knocked galley-west"]
"Oh, thunder!" says the Doctor. "See him now! Billy, you're an oldfool! You'll get butted plumb into the crik, next pass!" For Bill hadpushed the barrel to within five foot of the edge of the creek. Andwhen he heard the Doctor talk, I'll take my oath, that pig looked upand smiled.
"That pig looked up and smiled"]
"He's got him now!" says Wind River. "He's got him now, for all mynext year's salary! I see it in his face!"
And Windy was so dead sure he impressed the rest of us. So there'ssilence, whilst old Foxey Bill is chewin' away in the barrel, and theram is comin' over the grass--t-r-rmt, t-r-rrmt--as hard as he canpaste her, head down and eyes shut. Bill, he doesn't see anythingeither, until there ain't more'n three foot of air between 'em, andthen he jumps aside!
"Swoosh!" goes the ram into the water, and Billy straightens out hislittle curly tail and waves it in the air like a flag. And holler! Iwisht you could have heard that pig! Nothing could been more human."I've got the deady-deady on you, you hook-nosed, slab-sided, secondcousin of a government mule!" says he. "Oh! I've got you where I wantyou and the way I want you, and it's up to you to convert yourself intocash at the earliest opportunity, for you won't be worth much in themarket when I'm tired of my fun!" This he says as he gallops to theother side, to head the sheep off, his mild blue eye on fire. I tellyou it's dangerous to rouse up a fat person with a mild blue eye.
"And holler! I wisht you could have heard that pig"]
A sheep don't swim much better than a mowin' machine, and this fellergot desperate--he was for the shore, no matter what broke. And Billripped the wool out of him for fair as he tried to scramble up.
"Our fight, Steve!" says the Doctor. "I _knew_ he'd do him all thetime! You throw up the sponge and we'll yank the critter out!"
"Let him drown," says Steve. "I don't like him, hide nor hair--and,besides, think what he's cost me."
But that wouldn't do. Hastings would have looked so mournful,happiness couldn't get along in the same territory with him. So outcomes Mr. Ram. Done. Everlastingly done. All in and the coverscrewed down. We pointed our fingers at him and did a war-dance aroundhim, sayin': "Agh--hagh! You will, will you? Now, don't you wishyou'd been good!" He hadn't a word to say. And that good old Billy,he comes up and rubs Wind River's legs out from under him just asnatural as ever, not set up or swell-headed a bit, like the gentlemanhe was.
"Done. Everlastingly done"]
The ram eat his grass and minded his own business from that time on.
Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters Page 6