“W-what are you trying to say?” Emil dropped the dagger. He tried to touch Adam’s shoulder. He flinched away, making dread settle in Emil’s stomach.
Adam took another step back and tossed the figurine into the muddy ashes at Emil’s feet.
“I trusted you. And you… you just chewed through me. And for what? Was it only for the sex? Why would you do this to me? Were there no other men to pick?” Adam asked in a broken voice before grabbing the lower half of his face with one hand and massaging it, as if the tension in his jaw muscles caused an ache he couldn’t deal with otherwise.
Emil didn’t understand what he was dealing with here, but he needed to put a stop to it before it was too late. “I didn’t. I love you. We’ve been over this. The figurine wasn’t mine. And this one isn’t either.”
“They have a weird habit appearing in places you have easy access to, don’t you think?” Adam asked in a tight voice.
This couldn’t be happening. Was Emil to have a lick of what happiness meant, only to have it torn from him? That would have been the story of his life. Yet Adam’s mistrust hurt more than the sight of his home in ruins ever could.
“Just last night, you sleepwalked to the Devil’s Rock. Should I interpret that as you summoning the devil? No. Because I trust you.”
Adam shook his head, and his next words bordered on a sob. “Stop lying! Koterski told me everything!”
Emil gritted his teeth. That bastard, always meddling, always sticking his fingers where they didn’t belong. Selfish asshole. “What did he tell you?” Emil asked with the last shreds of patience.
Adam swallowed, shifting his weight, as if he were still thinking through what he was about to say. “He told me you put a spell on him. That he couldn’t stop himself. And that’s… that’s exactly how I felt.”
Emil’s blood went cold and he looked straight into Adam’s eyes. “Mother. Fucker. Adam, I don’t know what this is about or what game he’s playing, but you got it wrong. I didn’t force anyone to do anyth—”
“I don’t know that!” Adam snapped, stabbing Emil with his icy gaze. “Why would he lie? He has no reason to confess sins he didn’t commit. Both he and I were possessed and led to you. How could this be a coincidence? You tell me!”
Emil spread his arms with growing frustration. “Nothing like that happened! Filip Koterski had been more than happy to hook up even when he was already engaged, and I’m the evil one here?”
Adam laughed and rubbed his forehead. “Then you’re no better than him. Did you two have quickies when I was performing mass? When was it?”
The cogs in Emil’s mind moved with a rusty squeak, but eventually Emil scowled at Adam as understanding sank in. “I dumped his ass when I found out he was getting married. I never cheated on you. What the fuck? Maybe he saw us somewhere and got jealous!” He had to take a deep breath and count to ten to not punch something. “But that’s not the point, is it? You want to believe him. You want to believe I’m a cheater, a Satanist, and fuck knows what else. Maybe the devil himself! My fucking house burned down, you finally saw what a burden I’ll be, and you realized your charity case boyfriend might cause real problems in the peaceful fucking life that’s waiting for you in Warsaw. I’m inconvenient.”
“Are you calling me crazy? Because you’re the one who thinks all those clues—the dolls, that damn knife, Koterski—pointing to you are accidental. I compromised everything I believe in for you, and you just lie to my face,” Adam said, raising his voice halfway. His breath came out in ragged gasps, as if he were too agitated to keep his tone even.
Emil pointed to the rubble behind him. “Did I also burn down my own house? Do you believe I sent my crows to murder Zofia?”
Adam’s jaw muscles worked, and his handsome face no longer brought Emil joy. “What about Piotr?”
Emil frowned, thrown off guard. “Piotr who?”
Adam stepped back. “Piotr the skinhead! Piotr the family man who threatened to find where you live! That Piotr.”
“I don’t follow.”
Adam’s face was red as if all the blood in his body rushed there at the same moment. “He’s dead. Pecked to pieces by crows like Zofia! And you have crows tattooed on you. And those damn birds follow you, as if they’d imprinted on you!”
The ground shook under Emil’s feet, but he remained standing despite nausea crawling through his stomach like a cockroach. “Are you suggesting I had something to do with that? Seriously?” he asked, and for a moment, his voice actually broke.
Adam stared toward the horizon. “I don’t know why you’d set your crows on Piotr now. Maybe you didn’t, but that doesn’t make you innocent when it comes to everything else. In seducing me, in the sinful life we lead I was perfectly fine before we met, and so were you! Maybe we just aren’t right for one another,” he muttered, shaking his head.
Adam might as well have picked up the dagger and stabbed him. Emil let out a bitter laugh. “So this is what it’s about. You just want to dump me. I guess that makes me the stupid one. I should have known better than to get involved with a priest. Was this what you always intended? A summer fling with a country bumpkin?”
Adam’s teeth dug into his bottom lip, and a flash of pain passed over his features. “How can you say that after everything that happened? I wanted to believe in you, and now I feel like a complete idiot. I should have ran right away, immediately after he possessed me the first time!”
Emil balled his hands into fists. “So all that talk of going to Warsaw together was just to string me along until you made up your mind?” The betrayal stung more than he could have imagined. He’d always considered himself a cynical man, didn’t expect much of people, and this was where his willingness to trust Adam had gotten him. Then again, with all the attention Adam showered him with, the endless making out sessions, the promise of more, maybe Emil shouldn’t blame himself. He’d been helpless in the face of Adam’s seemingly innocent affection and bound to fall for his act.
Adam swallowed hard. “You misunderstood me when we discussed this. I wanted to help you get out of this place, so that you could be with someone who actually wants to be in this kind of relationship. I can’t. Everything that happened is only making that more obvious. I will leave Dybukowo, and I will do what I should have done straight away, instead of following my lust like an animal! I will get help. And I will get better. I will not let anyone or anything use me ever again!”
Emil stared at him, but the sense of disbelief was gone from his heart. He should have learned already that good things only happened to him so he could have his hopes crushed. His past was filled with broken promises and rejected dreams, but this—losing Adam—was the worst yet.
“Oh, I’m sorry you have to suffer so much in your life. Boo-hoo. I’m so done with this. If I’m the cause of all your problems, consider yourself freed. All this devil shit has always just been an excuse, hasn’t it? You tasted dick last night and got cold feet today. Makes sense,” he rasped and grabbed the golden chain Adam had given him for his birthday. He hadn’t meant to rip it, but the links broke, and soon the little cross hung from his tightened fist along with two ends of the chain.
The dark blotches on Adam’s skin became an angry shade of red, and despite the invisible blade still hurting Emil’s insides, he couldn’t help but feel regret over this being the last time they’d see one another. He caught the broken necklace and squeezed it in his palm before tossing it at Adam, because its touch burned like a broken promise.
Adam caught it and looked up, his neck tense as if tendons inside it were about to break. “Fuck you,” he said before storming off toward the church he would forever crawl back to, even when love was offered on a golden platter.
Emil wouldn’t let him get the last word. “No! Fuck you!” he yelled and marched toward Jinx.
He had his wallet on him and could get by for a few days until he figured out his shit. If he rode off now, he could get to the train station in Sanok within a few hours.
It would be a warm enough place to spend the night.
He could already hear Mrs. Luty loudly complaining to everyone she met what a no-good shit he was for not taking care of his family’s graves on All Saints’ Day, but he didn’t care.
Fuck the graves.
Fuck the house.
Fuck the infusions.
Fuck money.
Fuck Dybukowo.
And most of all, fuck Adam.
Chapter 22 - Adam
Adam had confronted Emil with the hope that cutting the ties would ease the weight in his chest, but his throat kept getting tighter with each step away from the rubble. He’d been a fool. A naive man who couldn’t take care of himself, much less a flock of believers. He’d betrayed everyone—his Church, his parents, even himself—yet every inch of his skin crawled with the need to turn back and swallow Emil’s lies once more.
The archbishop had been right about him, and Adam just wouldn’t accept the fact of his nature being sinful by definition. He should have been more vigilant, more constant in his faith, but maybe if he tried, God would accept him back into the fold.
Maybe everything could still be made right?
The cold wind howled at him that it couldn’t. That he was stuck in a vessel destined for sin and would never experience peace unless he led the existence of a hermit, shielded from temptation by walls that wouldn’t let him lay his eyes on anyone.
The approaching hoof beats sent a shudder down his spine, and he stiffened when Emil sped past him on Jinx, despite there being a different route he could have taken to the Church. He probably wanted to arrive at the parsonage first, but Adam had a feeling that splashing his cassock with mud had been another of Emil’s goals. As if he hadn’t made things bad enough.
Still, Adam’s gaze stayed on the broad back, on the lush hair floating over Emil’s shoulders as he rode to free Adam of his presence forever. The hurt in Emil’s gaze passed through Adam’s mind like a boomerang covered in salt to sprinkle in his wounds, and for the briefest moment doubt scattered over his mind. But before it could have roamed free, he shook his head, determined to stand by his decision.
Even if Emil had told the truth and had never knowingly caused the possession, even if by some chance Filip Koterski had lied, he would be better off leaving everything that had happened in Dybukowo behind. Leave behind the devil, the nosy people, and the one man who’d made Adam forget his calling.
The sky was overcast with fluffy clouds, which obscured the sun, turning everything around that bit colder. The parsonage, which had been his home for long months now seemed as alien as the valley had been when he went on his first walk here, but he would soon leave this now-familiar place behind anyway.
He’d secretly hoped to still bump into Emil upon his arrival, but the room where they’d shared a bed just this morning was empty, all of Emil’s things gone, including the T-shirt Adam had slept in. Only the scent of Emil’s cologne still hung in the air, curling around him in a pull that might have led Adam all the way back to Emil if he chose to follow the wordless calling.
The scent alone was making him salivate and think back to kissing Emil’s delicious skin. No one had ever made Adam feel the way Emil had, but that was why sin was tempting in the first place. If felt good to sin. When he’d eaten six donuts in one go, or when he’d masturbated for the first time, pleasure was the thick perfume masking the odor of moral depravity.
All the signs pointed to Emil having connections to the demon, yet Adam had chosen to overlook them because being with him felt so good.
Because Adam loved him, no matter how wrong it was.
He sank to the unmade bed and looked at the wall on the opposite side, at the cross above the other bed, at the old chest of drawers that held most of his belongings. This wasn’t a place of his own, and it was something he needed to get used to, because his home was within the Church, not in a particular city, or with another person.
It was better this way, despite the emptiness left behind by Emil already putting pressure on his ribs and causing so much pain it felt as if they were about to break and pierce his organs.
Forced by helpless craving, Adam pulled the pillow to his face and smelled where Emil’s head had earlier laid. He could almost sense the luscious long hair against his skin. He denied himself, pushed Emil away because it was the right thing to do, the sensible thing, yet he still wanted Emil so badly he could hardly stand it.
And he hadn’t even tasted everything Emil had been willing to offer. No matter how sated Adam had been after the sex, he had a dark lust for more, and he didn’t know if he could blame that on Emil. He’d imagined being on top of Emil and witnessing the handsome face twisting in pleasure, all flushed and gorgeous as Adam breathed in the scent of his hair and pushed deep inside him, rocking his hips against Emil’s dimpled ass.
A knock on the door startled him so much he let out a yelp and rolled back into a sitting position just in time before Mrs. Janina’s head popped in through the open door. Her presence was literally the last thing he needed, but he clasped his hands and cleared his throat in an attempt to get rid of the uncomfortable thickness there.
“Everything’s been a bit erratic. Emil moved out. As you know,” he said softly.
“Hm. I’ve heard he took his horse with him. Do you have any idea where he might be? Awful to be out on a night like this. November starts tomorrow.”
Adam rubbed his knees, trying to keep his face expressionless, but his resolve was crumbling. “No. I have no idea.”
He hoped he gave off vibes of ‘leave me alone’, but Mrs. Janina pressed on. “Shouldn’t you find out? Are you all right, Father?”
Adam clenched his jaw, fighting the need to confide in someone even if he could share only a partial truth.
The housekeeper continued before he could speak. “I’ll make you some tea, and you might want to contact your mother. She called while you were away.”
Adam’s breath caught, and he stood without thinking. “Of course. Thank you.”
She offered him a smile and led the way down the corridor, with Adam following her like a shadow. The walls, the wooden floors he’s grown so accustomed to seemed cold and uninviting without Emil’s presence.
He walked through the large kitchen that smelled of cookies, and while he did smile back at Mrs. Janina when she met his gaze, the quiet of the small dining room brought him peace.
Mrs. Janina gave him privacy and left the room when he called his mom. They spoke every now and then, but these calls had become hard over the summer when he had no other way but to lie to her about what he was up to. He hadn’t asked her if Emil could stay at theirs, unwilling to have to deal with all the questions she’d surely have.
His soul was a black hole that sucked in everything around it, and if he wasn’t careful, it would eventually infect everyone dear to him.
“Hi Mom,” he said when she picked up, though at this point the conversation was an obligation rather than pleasure. He wanted to bury himself in the sheets he’d shared with Emil last night and never have to come out from under them.
How pathetic was it that he’d grown so attached to a man who dabbled in black magic? Who lied and used him.
“Adam! Finally I get a hold of you. I just wanted to ask if there is really no way for you to visit us for All Saints’ Day? I know it’s tomorrow, but you could take an early train. Would Father Marek not be able to handle things on his own?”
Adam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Being exposed to her attention at such a vulnerable time was the last thing he needed. He loved his mother, of course, but she had an overbearing nature, and he couldn’t handle that right now. “I’m afraid not. We talked about this.”
“I thought you’d say that. I have obligations at church, but I’ve talked to your dad, and we can’t stay away any longer. We will visit next week. I can’t wait to see you, Adam. It’s been so long. You’ll be home before December, but we want to see what you’ve been up to.”
Adam’s hand tightened on the handset as he sank deeper into the armchair. The faces of saints remained serene in the pictures hung across from him, but their eyes expressed pity, a certainty that no matter how hard Adam tried to hide who he was, he would eventually end up exposed.
“Are you sure? I have a lot of work to do. And, as you said, we will see each other soon,” he said, with sweat beading on his back. If she came here, would she be able to see what he’d become?
Or had he always been corrupted and Emil’s influence only made that aspect of him more evident?
“I just… I want to make sure all is well with you. There’s this woman… She lived there back when we went hiking years ago. Mrs. Słowik. Is she still there by any chance?”
Adam exhaled when he realized Mother was asking about Emil’s grandma, and it took him several seconds to collect himself before he spoke. “No. I heard she passed away. Why?”
Mom exhaled deeply. “Oh, good. I mean, not that I wouldn’t wish her well. I just… she’d spoken to me and Dad about these pagan rituals, so it’s good that these things are not a problem anymore.”
Adam closed his eyes, and the effort to keep calm consumed his whole being. Had Emil’s grandmother taught him the things he’d… probably done to Adam? Was this how it all started?
“No, it’s all fine, Mom. Everyone is very nice.”
“Just stay indoors tonight, okay? Forefathers’ Eve is— You know what I mean.”
No, he didn’t. His mom was religious, not superstitious.
“You mean the Forefathers’ Eve when ghosts of sinners walk the earth and when the living can help them get to heaven? Like in that drama we read in school? It’s based on folklore. You can’t believe any of that,” he said, wishing he could just cut the conversation short.
“Not exactly, but why tempt fate, right?”
Adam massaged his forehead. “Yes. Right,” he said only to appease her. “I’ll stay indoors. Thanks for calling. I’ll be in touch next week.”
Where the Devil Says Goodnight Page 29