by Jessie Cooke
He took another long pull off the water and then he looked in my eyes and said, “When I was eighteen I was a wild punk. I spent time in juvenile hall when I was thirteen and again when I was seventeen. The second time I got out, my probation officer took me to a gym in downtown Greenwich. This wasn’t your normal Greenwich gym where soccer moms did their yoga and men in suits showed up for an hour of working out on their lunch breaks. This was a cop gym, and these guys were hard core. I was cocky and the first thing I said when I looked around the place was, ‘I could kick every old ass in here.’ He handed me the headgear and a pair of gloves and told me to get in the ring.”
“He fought you?”
“Not him, but five of his closest friends. I got the shit beat out of me.”
“That’s awful.”
He smiled. “I needed it. I was a rich, spoiled, arrogant little brat. These guys didn’t just beat the shit out of me; they eventually became my mentors and ultimately taught me that fighting should never be about hurting someone else.”
Confused, I said, “Then what should it be about?”
“It should be cathartic. It should only be between consenting adults…kind of like sex,” he said with a wink. I felt my face go hot and in an effort to keep him on track I said:
“How does that explain why you don’t date?”
“I’m getting to that,” he said. “That day was the start of my fighting career. I spent ten hours a day at the gym sometimes. I started seeing changes in my body and in the way I felt when I woke up in the morning. I didn’t realize it then but the endorphins from the exercise were curing the anger and depression that plagued me most of my life.”
“What were you angry about?”
He looked like he didn’t want to answer that. After a bit he said, “I felt neglected, I guess. I was a kid who had parents who spent a lot of time away from home. My father was like a drill sergeant when he was there and my mother…well, she was always more interested in my sisters. I was the quintessential ‘poor little rich boy,’ I guess. Anyways the fighting helped me learn how to deal with that, and I got really good and I got sponsors and I went on to win five different titles. That all took a lot of time and energy. I didn’t want to be distracted by a relationship, so I just…”
“Had sex?”
He grinned. “Yeah, I did have that,” he said. The smile fell off his face then and he said, “When I was twenty-five I had a big fight with a man I personally couldn’t stand. He was a punk and he also happened to be abusing my sister.”
“Alyssa?”
“Yes, she’s my twin, did you know that?”
“No, but it makes sense. She looks just like you.”
“She’s older, so I look like her,” he said with a wink. “I was always really protective of her and I tried to warn her about this guy. He was using drugs and he was really bad news. She thought she was in love and she wouldn’t listen. I never should have gotten into the ring with him, but it was the only real chance I was going to have to get even with him for some of the things he’d done to her. He was in bad shape, sweating and breathing weird. I should have told someone that I thought he was wasted, but I didn’t. I knocked him down with one punch. He never got back up. The autopsy showed his system was full of speed and he had a heart attack, but to the people watching it was like I killed him.”
“But you didn’t.”
He smiled gently at me and said, “Sometimes your conscience wants to hold onto things no matter how many times you’re told that you weren’t responsible. I started drinking a lot and I lost my edge in the cage, which only depressed me more. I screwed up my career and so much more. I ruined a lot of lives.”
“The press says you were the one on drugs.”
“The press is full of shit. I am an alcoholic, a sober one now. I did have a problem with pain medications for a while, but that’s controlled now too.”
“You had pain from fighting?” I thought about all the morphine I’d taken when I was sick. If not for the grace of God I could be an addict too.
“That and other things…”
“Is that why you and your mother don’t get along?”
He didn’t answer me. Instead he reached up and started unbuttoning his shirt. I watched in stunned silence wondering what he was doing. I thought about asking him but the sight of the hard, inked chest being revealed a piece at a time was leaving my throat parched. When he had his shirt unbuttoned all the way, he slipped it off. I was immediately immersed in the sight of his ripped torso. The sun was dipping down into the ocean and it cast an almost ethereal glow against his colorful skin as it did. The tattoos started at the bottom of his breastbone and disappeared down into the top of his pants. They covered both arms and shoulders completely and wrapped around his sides. I couldn’t see his back but it looked like they continued on. They were mostly flowers with writing inside of them, and I had an incredible urge to reach out and touch the words.
I had to drink the rest of my water before I could say, “Why are you…I mean why…?” I couldn’t say “naked” all of a sudden. I’m a mess. “Why did you take off your shirt?”
He held out his hand and I put mine in it. He brought my fingers toward his chest. I almost pulled them back, but regardless of his motivation, I was dying to touch him. He pressed my palm into the upper part of his abs. “Can you feel them?” he asked.
“What am I feeling?” The area was rough and bumpy but I wasn’t sure if that’s what he was referring to.
“Scars.”
I closed my eyes and moved my hand slowly across his body. It felt so good to touch him in spite of the scars that riddled it. They were all down his sides and his arms too. Whoever had designed his tattoos had actually done an amazing job of hiding them. “Those are why she hates me,” he said in a whisper. I stopped moving my hand and looked up at his face.
“Your mother?”
“Yeah. She never really liked me and she wishes I were dead instead of scarred.”
That made me feel sick. I took my hand off of his hot chest and said, “I’m sorry, Noah.”
“It’s not your fault,” he said.
“I don’t know your mother, but I can’t imagine that she really wishes you were dead.”
“She does, and if it would bring Blossom back, she’d kill me herself.”
“Your sister?”
He nodded, “There was a fire in my building one night when Blossom was there. The fire didn’t start in my apartment but I was passed out when it did start downstairs. Blossom tried to wake me and when she couldn’t, she ran for help. She fell through the floorboards. I woke up in the burn unit days later. I didn’t remember anything. I’d even forgotten Blossom was with me.” He had tears in his eyes and I wanted to take him in my arms and tell him it was okay…but that would be a lie. He had some very real guilt and I wasn’t sure he didn’t have every reason to feel guilty. “I spent three months in the hospital. The only thing my mother came by for was to tell me she wished it was me who had died. When I got out I checked into rehab…I’ve been clean and sober for almost two years now but no matter what I do, nothing will bring my sister back. I was too busy for a long time to think about dating. Then I was too broken, I guess. I still wasn’t thinking about it, right up until I walked in that shop and saw you. Now, it’s pretty much all I think about. There are so many things I want to do with you, Megan.”
I wanted to ask him what he wanted to do with me. His confessions should have made me even more wary than I already was about getting involved with him, but oddly they had the opposite effect. Those were obviously the worst times in his life and he’d just bared his soul…and his chest…to me. “What do you want to do with me, Noah?” I heard myself ask that question and I couldn’t believe it. It came out in this seductive voice that I didn’t even know I owned. He took that as consent. His hand reached up, and he placed it on the back of my neck and gently pulled me toward him. He stopped when we were nose to nose and those sexy pale blue eyes w
ere staring into mine, and I could see the desire he was feeling there. I was still confused about what it was he saw in me, but I was convinced that he wasn’t faking it.
“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he said.
“Right back at you.” His sexy lips twitched and then suddenly they were on mine and every nerve cell in my body came alive with a jolt. It was unlike any kiss I’d ever shared with anyone. As his sexy tongue snaked in between my lips and he pulled me into his bare chest a raw passion ignited between us, and I felt like right at that moment I’d do anything with him or for him no matter how long it was going to last. Our lips molded together and moved in perfect sync as he kissed me. I gripped onto his hard biceps and held on for dear life as my head began to spin from lack of oxygen. I was glad we were sitting down because I could have passed out.
He slid his tongue out of my mouth and then he used the edges of his teeth to nip at my lips while rubbing my neck softly with his fingers. His touch was so erotic, I never wanted this amazing feeling to end. When he did stop kissing me he still didn’t let go. Instead he pressed his face into mine and I felt his hot breath on my skin while he gasped for air. I was still pressed into his body and I could feel his heart beating through those sexy tattoos against my chest. That wall I’d spent so much time building didn’t have a chance where Noah was concerned.
“Megan.” It was my name but it sounded sexier than any one word I’d ever heard.
“Yes?”
“Please let me get to know you.”
I said the only thing I possibly could at that moment. “Okay.”
8
I wanted to make love to Noah worse than I ever wanted anything that first night we kissed on the beach, but I didn’t. I could tell that he wanted that too, but he was a perfect gentleman. After the kiss he drove me home and gave me another toe-curling kiss at the door. The next morning I woke up to a text message from him that said:
“I dreamt about that kiss. I can’t wait for the next one.” I smiled all day, and for the next month he gave me reason after reason to keep smiling. He would show up at the shop out of the blue with lunch sometimes, and we had dinner together more nights than not. We either ate out or with Lillie and Dalton at our apartment. I wasn’t ready to be alone with him with a bed nearby. I had denied myself even the hint of love for so long that I didn’t want to rush into anything just because I was horny.
Instead of sex we watched movies or we went shopping or to the beach. We went for long drives on the Harley, and he took me to his old gym and introduced me to the guys that taught him how to fight. We talked about everything except my cancer and Tyler. I told him briefly about the cancer and I warned him that it could come back. He said we were going to refuse to believe that, and that was as much as he wanted to say about it. I never told him about Tyler leaving me while I was in surgery. Some memories are always too raw to share.
He told me about his underground fighting organization. It was really just a small club for professionals to show up and let off some steam. He offered them a safe place to do it and he stood by to make sure no one got more than a few bruises or cuts. When I asked him if it was illegal he laughed and said, “Fighting between consenting adults on private property isn’t illegal. It’s just not socially acceptable. If you’d like me to stop, just say the word though, Megan. I’ll do it for you.” I didn’t ask him to stop. It was one of those things I didn’t really like, but that I wasn’t going to try and control. He had to have his outlets just like I had to have mine. Flowers and fists couldn’t be further apart, but in spite of that Noah and I grew closer by the day.
“Dinner with Noah tonight?” Lillie interrupted my thoughts as I sat at the kitchen island sipping my coffee. I couldn’t help it; I smiled at the sound of his name.
“Yeah, at his house.”
She wiggled her eyebrows. “So is tonight the night?”
Feigning ignorance I said, “The night for what?”
She giggled. “You know what—you want him.”
I couldn’t even pretend that wasn’t true. “Yeah, I do. I’m just afraid to cross that line, Lillie. I mean so far we’re just good friends…who kiss…a lot.”
“I’m your good friend and we don’t even kiss. If I had lost you I would have been devastated. But you know what?”
“What?”
“The pain of losing you wouldn’t have outweighed the joy of knowing and loving you. I’ve seen you and Noah together a lot and I’d be willing to bet he feels the same.”
“He won’t talk about it, at all. I guess maybe that’s part of why I’m so afraid. What if he’s so intimidated by it that he leaves at the first sign of me being sick like Tyler did?”
“Noah is ten times stronger than Tyler and I don’t mean physically…although that’s a given. He has ten times the character Tyler ever thought about having. I would bet you a million dollars that you couldn’t get rid of him even if you wanted to. It probably scares him to talk about it, but I can’t even imagine him running if it ever became a reality. He loves you, Meggles.”
That was the second time she’s said that. Noah hasn’t said it; although I’m sure I feel it when we’re together. I know I love him and I know that I won’t be able to wait much longer to tell him. Lillie was still talking. “He even tried to reconcile with his mom for you.”
“Technically that was for Alyssa, and it was a disaster.”
“All the more reason to believe he loves you. He wasn’t mad at you and he didn’t run.”
“True,” I said with a smile. About two weeks after Noah and I started dating I went to a fundraiser with him. One of the papers took our picture and Alyssa saw it. She recognized me from the day of the party and called the shop.
“Miss Brown, this is Alyssa Michaelson.”
I felt a flutter of nerves in my belly as I said, “Yes, hello. Please call me Megan.”
“Megan, I have a favor to ask you. You and my brother seem close, and I know if you captured Noah’s undivided attention you have to be pretty special. I was hoping you might help me get my family back together again…”
I didn’t want to get involved, but I knew how badly Noah missed his sister. I arranged for us all to have lunch. His father didn’t show up but no one seemed surprised by that. Noah and his sister had a great time catching up. His mother sat quietly by herself for the most part, but by the time lunch was over and she and Alyssa were leaving, she grabbed her son in a hug and I heard her whisper to him,
“I love you, Noah…I just don’t know how to forget.” It was heartbreaking but it seemed to give Noah at least a sense of hope. If nothing else he had his twin back.
After a month of dating him and getting to know him, I figured out that the bottom line was: I feel more alive while I'm with him than I ever have in my life. Someday if the cancer returns to claim me I can at least go out saying that I lived, and mean it.
I drove over to Noah’s house that night. When I got there he already had dinner cooked. He wouldn’t let me in the kitchen, so I teased him about ordering the food in and taking it out of the containers. He served me a plate with a succulent-looking piece of roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy and steamed vegetables. I took a bite and he stared at me while I chewed. I knew what he was waiting for but I was in an ornery mood. I took a drink of my iced tea and started to take another bite.
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“How is it?”
“Oh, it’s good, I like sweet tea.”
“Not the tea!”
I laughed. “It’s delicious,” I told him.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Is it tender enough?”
Laughing again I said, “Are you going to let me eat it or are we just going to talk about it?”
He looked abashed. “Sorry. I’ve never had anyone to cook for before.” It was amazing to me that I was blessed with experiencing so many firsts with this man. I would have sworn I
already did it all.
“It’s amazing,” I told him. I wasn’t lying. It was really good.
After dinner he made us a pot of coffee and we carried our cups outside to the big redwood deck that ran along the back of his house and around the pool. He lived near Newport, but far enough away from town so that he didn’t have tourists snooping around and far enough away from the mansions that he hardly had any noise. It was a beautiful evening and we sat on the big and comfy porch swing holding hands while we watched the sun paint brilliant colors across the blue sky as it sank lower and got ready to tuck itself behind the mountains.
“I love this,” he said.
“Me too.”
He looked over at me. His eyes sparkled in the sun and he looked so beautiful. He reached over and softly cupped my face. He brushed his thumb up and down along the jawline as he said, “I love you, Megan.”
I didn’t hesitate to think about it. I went with my instinct and said, “I love you too, Noah.” He let go of my hand and let his come around to the small of my back. He pressed in so that my body flattened into his and I immediately felt how hard he was, all over. He moved the hand on my face to my neck and tipped my head to the side. He brought his wet, hot mouth down to my sensitive skin and began to suck and nip and kiss a hot trail across it. I was already breathing erratically. I loved the way he touched me…and the way he kissed me.
“Oh, Noah, I love you,” I whispered. I felt the vibrations of his words as he pressed deeper into my neck and said:
“I love you too, Megan, so much.” He brought his face up and brushed his lips against mine, gently taking my bottom lip in between his teeth and tugging on it. He pulled back and looked into my eyes. “I want to make love to you, Megan. I want it worse than I ever wanted anything.”
“Yes,” I whispered.
He stopped everything he was doing and concentrated only on looking into my eyes. “Yes?”
I nodded. I was breathless but I pushed out, “I want you too, Noah. I want you to make love to me…now.” I think he smiled but it was a brief one before his mouth came crashing back down over mine. I felt his hands go to my hips and he lifted me up into his arms. He stood up and as he did I wrapped my legs around his waist and held on. He carried me back into the house and down the long hall to his bedroom, never taking his lips off mine on the way. Our tongues danced wildly against each other and when we stepped inside the room he spun me so my back was facing the wall, and pressed me back into it. He kissed me harder than he ever had. It felt like he was trying to shove his tongue down my throat, and he was nipping at the edges of my mouth. He used his thighs to hold me in place while he stripped off my shirt and then pulled his off as well. Then he reached around behind me and unhooked my bra. I let it fall to the floor. He pulled me into him again and our chests melded together. I was so hot that I actually thought I might be in danger of spontaneously combusting.