I’d smiled a lot on our safari, even managing to forget that the camera crew followed our every step.
The production company were already talking about a follow up series, Azzo in the Arctic—Walking and Talking with Penguins, which I greatly preferred to their original idea of walking and talking with polar bears, which would have been a lot more dangerous. Vince was even planning to get a Canine Crusader suit made in penguin colors.
Vince was smiling happily as he continued to stroke the enormous elephant.
“Me mate here, Baruti, has told me that many elephants mate for life, which is just like me and Gracie,” Vince grinned. “But I might see if I can steal a kiss from Nkechi while Gracie is over there. Give us a kiss, Nkechi!”
The elephant ran her trunk lovingly over Vince’s head, making him laugh as his eyes sparkled with happiness.
Then Nkechi sprayed a trunkful of water right over his head, and I swear she laughed as Vince howled like a wolf.
That’s my guy, I thought to myself. Life will never be dull, not while Vince is in my world.
Fascinating Factoid: elephants purr like cats when they’re happy. They also have a sense of humor.
THE END
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Vince’s English-American Glossary
Arse – ass
Birds – women
Bloody hell – oh dear
Bog – slang word for a toilet
Bopped – hit (in this context; sometimes it means danced like a dork)
Brickie – brick layer/construction worker
Burk – idiot (when Vince calls the district attorney ‘Burk-ly’, he’s being a bit cheeky!)
Cack handed – clumsy
Char – tea, made with boiling water on tea leaves, steeped for five minutes, then milk added to taste. (Lemon is only acceptable with Earl Grey tea, just sayin’.)
Conk – nose
Dead sensitive – very sensitive
the Dog’s Bollocks – very good
Doing me head in – giving me a headache
Feel it in me water – feel it deep inside, bone-deep
Fook, Fooker, Fookin’ – a term of affection, in a northern (British) accent, or possibly a term of derision: context is all
Git – jerk
Grotty – dirty
Grub – food
Hen party – bachelorette party
Innit – isn’t it
Keks – trousers, pants
Knob-head – jerk, idiot
Lad – boy
Lass – girl
Little bugs / beasties – dogs, animals that you like
Me Lud – My Lord, a term used in a British courtroom when speaking to a male judge
Mate – friend
Me – My
Naff – dumb, stupid
Nippy around the nethers – chilly around the groin area
Nowt – nothing
Nuff said – enough said
Played a blinder – done a good job (cricketing or rugby term)
Plonker – jerk (affectionate)
Polishing one’s knob – having sex
Poxy – small or small and unpleasant
Shagged – slept with
Shite – shit
Shirty – irritable
Skint - broke, without money
Soppy – silly
Sorted – Job done
Snuffed it – died
Stag party – bachelor party
Tart – prostitute eg. ‘the tart with a heart’
Tarted up – dressed nicely with makeup on; or dressed like a hooker – go figure!
Todger – penis
Tosser/wanker – jerk
Totty – an attractive woman
Twat – jerk
Acknowledgements
Huge thanks to Tonya Bass Allen and her boss Gary Burbank, Attorney at Law, for helping with legal questions—although we did play rather fast and loose with the laws and rules according to real life. Luckily, this is the world according to Vince, so the rules don’t always count ☺
Tonya was also editor-in-chief for this book.
Aiding and abetting, Lara Herrera was proofreader-in-chief.
Here, Lara and I are in a hugging sandwich with the very lovely Gergo Jonas.
Thanks to Sharon Tomás for jazzing up my website and lending me her name to Vince’s arresting police officer, and to Elisabetta Finotello for Uncle Sal’s Italian, as well as misappropriation of her surname.
And finally, thank you to Rachel Williams for advising on Rick and Cady’s Interfaith wedding – we hope we didn’t take too much artistic licence!
Meet Vincent Azzopardi
Against all the odds, Vince is a real person. Stu met him on a photoshoot in the US, then again when he and Jane travelled to Brazil. Much of what you’ve read about Vince in this book really happened: he really was an Armani catwalk model, he really does model a range of S&M underwear on his IG page, and his tooth really did fall out while he and Stu were sharing a room. It really was ice-white, and they really did struggle to find it on white sheets.
He really does rescue dogs, and Tap is a real beastie, too.
Happily, Vince is not the knob-head portrayed in this book, but a lovely guy who loaned his name and image to the story. Thanks, Vince! (Or possibly, sorry, Vince!)
His fiancée is a brave woman!
More about Stu Reardon & Jane Harvey-Berrick
Sometimes you meet people, and sometimes you meet people and they become friends. That’s our story. From first contact at a book event in Edinburgh, then again in Dublin, we’ve gone on to travel to Rio de Janeiro, Paris, São Paolo, Lille, London and Denver with our books. We’ve written together, laughed together, and even done a sky dive together #teamdare
Stu is a great cook. Jane isn’t. Jane has cooked for Stu and his fiancée, Emma—there’s trust.
Books by Stu Reardon & Jane Harvey-Berrick
The Baby Game
Read an exclusive extract from Rick, Cady, Vince and Grace’s ongoing story, The Baby Game.
Synopsis
Best friends Rick Roberts and Vince Azzo have given up the single life and are happily married: Rick to radio host, Cady Callaghan; and Vince to event organizer and lawyer, Grace Cooper. But when both wives become pregnant within weeks of each other, are the guys up to the challenge of hormones on parade, Lamaze classes, and lots of shopping trips for two tiny humans who are months from making an appearance?
When the babies are born, all four adults have a steep learning curve, and when Cady wants a night off from mom-hood to celebrate her 40th birthday with her bff, Grace, the guys are left in charge.
After all, how hard can it be?
Exclusive extract from The Baby Game
The Lasses
The following conversation takes place at Katz’s Deli, 205 E Houston Street, NYC
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” said Grace, twisting her serviette into a tight knot.
“Ooh, a secret!” smiled Cady, her eyes lighting up. “I’ve got one for you, too. I would have said my secret is bigger, but you’re the one who ran away to court and ended up married to Vince.”
She’d expected Grace to laugh, but all her best friend could manage was a weak and watery smile.
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry! I’m being a terrible friend. I think it’s my hormones—they’re going a little crazy right now.”
“Because you’re pregnant,” Grace sighed.
Cady’s mouth dropped open. “How did you know? I mean, I was going to tell you today, but … well, I got sidetracked. I’ve been wanting to tell you for ages, but there was so much going on, what with Vince getting arrested, the whole Canine Crusader thang, his court case, and then pow! You go and marry him. It never seemed like the right time.”
“…completely lose it in a loud, dramatic and very shouty way?”
Finally, Grace smiled. “Yes, all of that. I suspected then that hormones were the culprit. But like you say, it’s been a crazy few months.”
Cady laughed. “You can say that again! But I’m so glad that you know. I’m totally relying on you to organize my baby shower and … honestly, Grace, I’m really excited about the baby but I’m kinda freaking out, too, ya know? It’s such a massive responsibility, not to mention the whole unmentionable prospect of pushing a tiny human out through my vagina. I’ve got to keep the kid alive, sane and sober until he or she is at least 18. Thank God I’m married to Mr. Responsible.”
She didn’t notice that Grace winced when she said that.
“Bringing a baby into the world, into this world with terrorism, pandemics and politicians, I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do, but I already love him or her. It’s weird.”
“I know,” Grace nodded fervently.
“I mean, Rick is so calm about everything. He’s already started a list at buybuy Baby, and on the scratchpad by his desk, he’s been doodling names for girls.”
“You know that already?” Grace asked.
“No, we don’t! That’s exactly my point. He’s so super organized, he’s not leaving much for me to do, except have it, of course. Oy vey! I’m so excited! You’ll be Aunty Gracie!” Her smile faltered. “And then there’s Uncle Vince. But, ya know, I’m not leaving my kid alone with him till they’ve passed puberty—Vince, as well,” and she laughed. “He’ll probably put the baby in one of the dog beds by mistake, and I’ll find the small pooch…”
“Zeus.”
“Yeah, I’ll find Zeus in the stroller! I mean, can you imagine? Uncle Vince! Oh, my God, what a disaster!”
Cady laughed again loudly, and it was several seconds before she realized that Grace wasn’t laughing and that possibly, probably, she’d offended her best friend.
“Oh, wow, I’m sorry, Grace. I open my mouth these days and so much crap falls out. I know he’s your husband and I do love him. I didn’t mean all of that about Vince.”
“Yes, you did,” Grace said tiredly. “But it’s okay—it’s probably true.”
Cady thought she ought to change the subject before her next trick was to swallow her other foot.
“So, what was it you wanted to tell me? You said you had some news, too?”
Grace looked up slowly and met Cady’s eyes.
“I’m pregnant,” she said. “Vince and I are having a baby.”
The Lads
Meanwhile, two miles north in Rick’s central Manhattan gym…
“Hey, guess what?” said Vince as lifted 250 pounds above his head.
Rick didn’t answer until his friend had safely landed the huge dumbbell back on the floor with a thud.
“What?” he asked, economical as ever with his words.
“Me and Grace are pregnant! I knocked her up on our wedding night. I’ve got super sperm, me. She didn’t stand a chance. The Canine Crusader’s super sperm broke through the rubber and swam to freedom. The docs say she’s due on Christmas Day. If it’s a boy, I want to call him Jesus.”
Rick stared at his friend, trying to take in the rapid flurry of his words. Then he blinked and slapped a grinning Vince on the shoulder.
“Congratulations, buddy! That’s awesome. Especially ‘cause the thing is that Cady and me…”
“I know, she’s up the duff, too, right?” Vince said with a wink.
Rick frowned. “How did you know?”
“Well, Gracie guessed—we were just waiting for you to tell us. It’s going to be epic! You and me with a pair of rugrats running around. When’s Cady calving down?”
Rick cringed. “Don’t ever say ‘calving down’ in front of Cady. In fact, don’t ever say it in front of me. Or Grace, if you want to keep on living.”
Vince laughed. It was hard to make him mad. The only thing that really wound him up was seeing mistreated animals.
“Yeah, whatever. Did the docs give you a due date?”
Rick smiled, a smile that told of a deep contentment, a happiness that filled every part of him.
“First of December,” he said.
Vince held out his hand, and the two friends shook hands, grinning like loons, then pounding each other on the back.
“It’s going to be such a rush being a dad,” said Vince. “I can’t wait.”
“Me neither,” said Rick, still smiling. “It’s going to be an epic journey.”
“Yeah, we’ll have a laugh,” said Vince. “You, me, our lasses and the baby game.”
The Baby Game (September 2021)
Well, that’s our anticipated due date, but Stu and his fiancée, Emma, have a due date of their own in January 2021. Good luck, guys!
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