Or maybe Rachel, the adult, should have told me.
“Some kids are bullying me. They tease me because I—because I don’t have a mom,” Nell said, then burst into tears. My stomach dropped when she said it, and my heart broke for my little girl. I put my hand out and rubbed her back as she cried into her hands. She didn’t want us to see her face.
“Nell, sweetie. I need you to tell me the names of the students that are bullying you. If you don’t tell me, I can’t help you,” she said.
Nell cried for a minute longer and finally calmed down enough to list off the names. I felt so awful for her, and so inadequate as a parent. I had no idea this was going on. I didn’t even know that bullying could be a thing at this age. How could kids be so mean? I never understood it. They bullied my little girl because she had lost her mother. Who would do that?
“Nell, I am so sorry. This is why you need to talk to me, sweetheart. We could have handled this a different way,” I said to her.
“And now, you can always talk to me, too. This way we can avoid hitting kids and getting into trouble. I see why you did it though,” Trisha said to Nell.
“They were just hurting my feelings so much. Rachel told me to stand up for myself,” Nell said.
“Who is Rachel?” asked Tricia.
“Rachel is my, uh, sort of girlfriend, I guess you could say,” I said. I wasn’t sure what to say because I didn’t know what we were at this moment. We weren’t speaking right now. She had run out and didn’t even say goodbye. Nell said that she’d been crying when she walked out the door, and now I wondered if maybe that was why Nell was so upset with me.
“I don’t think she meant for you to hit another child. I think she meant that you need to stand up for yourself by telling the other child to stop talking like that. But you should also tell a teacher,” I said to her.
Nell reached over and hugged me, and as I held my daughter, she cried even more. She was so distraught, and I didn’t even know why. Yet these children were saying awful things to her. Now the whole parents’ dinner thing made sense. This was why Nell wanted Rachel to come along so badly. Now I knew what they were talking about the other night. It made me wish I’d been more involved. Man, looking back, I wished that I would have demanded to be involved in the conversation they’d had.
“I know it’s tough for any child to grow up without a mother. And then to get bullied for it is absolutely horrible, and unacceptable. You know, Nell, I lost my mom when I was in elementary school,” Trisha said. “Here’s what we’re going to do: you may go back to class, and we won’t take any action against you. But I think, for the other child, we may have to do something more serious. We have a no tolerance policy on bullying. But Nell, I would like you to speak with the school counselor sometimes too. It might help you learn to work through your emotions,” she said.
“Thank you,” Nell said. But we could barely understand Nell because she was still crying. I was relieved that they weren’t going to take any action against Nell, and I sort of felt bad for the other kids, but they had to learn. Bullying kids about losing family members was cruel and had to be dealt with.
Nell started crying harder than ever.
“Nell, sweetie what’s wrong now?” I asked her. I figured she should’ve been doing better now. The principal was going to deal with the other students, and Nell wasn’t in trouble anymore. So what was the problem now?
“You got all mad at Rachel, and it wasn’t her fault. I love Rachel, and you made her leave us,” Nell sobbed into her hands.
I felt like a complete shit about everything. I couldn’t believe the way I handled it. I lost my temper and hurt both Nell and Rachel by being such a jerk. I should have given Rachel the benefit of the doubt. I bet she was just protecting Nell’s secret because Nell didn’t want to talk to me. But maybe I should’ve stepped in and had a conversation with both of them. All I knew was that I felt like crap. I said goodbye to Nell so she could get to her class, and then I went on to the gallery. I wondered if Rachel was even going to be there, and I stopped to pick up her favorite coffee, just in case.
I know I shouldn’t have expected anything, but couldn’t help the disappointment that filled me when I realized she wasn’t there. I figured she wasn’t coming in if she wasn’t there by now. I thought about calling to ask her to come in, but finally decided it might be best to just let her be. I didn’t know how to fix this and honestly, I was still reeling from my trip to the school.
It was quiet, quieter than usual. Nell wasn’t there, and neither was Rachel. I had to admit I really missed her. I missed her greeting me when I came in. I missed her thanking me for the coffee. I missed watching the smile on her face every time she looked at me. I missed just looking at her and knowing she was there.
Sitting down at her desk, I put my head in my hands. I didn’t know what to do with myself now. I was so stressed out about everything. I knew that I’d handled everything so horribly, and I had no idea what I was going to do.
A couple hours later, I was still sitting there when Derek walked in. He was just randomly stopping by the way he did periodically.
“Hey, man,” he said.
“Hey,” I replied. I should have said more, but I didn’t know what else to say to him. I wasn’t happy at all, and really just felt sick. I wasn’t even going to waste my time trying to hide it.
“Where’s Rachel?” he asked.
I looked up at him and exhaled. I wasn’t really ready for this conversation, but he was asking, and I wasn’t going hide anything from my best friend.
“She’s not here,” I said, not really knowing what else to say.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Well, because she told Nell to stick up for herself,” I shrugged.
“Seriously? I don’t get it? What you mean by that?” I could tell he was confused by what was going on. Hell, I was even confused by what was going on.
“Well, Nell was being bullied at school. I had no idea about it, but she spoke to Rachel, who told her that it’s always best to stand up to a bully. Nell took her at her word and hit the kid that was doing it.”
“Damn, that’s awesome!” Derek said, cutting me off.
I gave him a dirty look, “That’s not the point. The point is, Rachel gave her that advice, and Nell ended up hitting a kid over it. Rachel overstepped, man. She’s not a parent, and Nell is not her kid. She had no right to do that.”
“So, you fired her?” he asked.
“I didn’t fire her. I told her that she wasn’t Nell’s mother and that she’s not a parent so she has no idea what to do. And then she just took off,” I said to him.
“Oh boy,” he said with a whistle. This was usually an indication that he had more information.
“What?” I asked him.
“So, I’m kind of seeing her best friend, Sadie. And she told me that Rachel has been pretty torn up since she lost her child two years ago,” he said.
“What? Are you serious? Oh God, what have I done? Damn. I had no idea. I would never have said anything like that if I would have known.” I was sick and had no idea what to think. I knew I’d broken Rachel’s heart and hurt her terribly. I couldn’t imagine the pain of losing a child, let alone hearing her boyfriend, the father of a little girl she’s been nothing but amazing with, remind her that she’s not even a parent.
I thought I’d felt awful before, but now I felt like a complete ass.
“I had no idea,” I repeated. “I’m such a jerk.”
“Yeah, but if she never told you, it’s not all on you, man. But dude, I think maybe you should go talk to her,” he said.
He had a point. But I wasn’t sure that Rachel would even talk to me. I wouldn’t have coped very well myself after something like that. I was at a complete loss as to what to say or do, and I’d never felt like a bigger brute in my whole life.
Chapter 36
Rachel
I hadn’t left the couch in over a day, and I was still pretty much sitt
ing in the same spot. Still holding the picture pressed against my chest. The picture of my daughter. It was so heart-wrenching to look at it, but it was all I had left of her. I had memories, sure, but memories faded. This picture was all I had left that was tangible, and it provided me comfort when I really needed it.
My eyes were swollen almost completely shut. I’d done nothing but cry for the last day, and I didn’t even bother calling James to let him know I wasn’t coming in to work. I felt there was no point. Why should I call when he obviously wouldn’t want me there? His reaction had made me feel so low, strangely, even lower than before I’d met him. I didn’t know if I was ever going to come back from this.
There was a knock at my door; it startled me. I grumbled under my breath and got up off the couch. After checking the peephole, I saw that it was Sadie. She had called me back last night, but we only talked for a couple minutes because I couldn’t talk. There was no point. I had been so distraught, she couldn’t understand what I was even saying.
Opening the door, I said, “Hey,” and stepped back to let her in. I went back to my spot on the couch, and she came on inside.
“Hey, Rach. I thought we could go get some lunch.” She was far too cheery for me, to the point of being irritating. It was crazy to me how quickly I’d fallen right back into a deep depression. All it took was one little setback, and I was quickly swept right back into this deep dark hole. A place I hadn’t been able to get out of before. If it hadn’t been for James and Nell, I would have never gotten out of it. And now I didn’t even think I had them anymore, and I had no idea what I was going to do.
“I don’t want to go to lunch, Sadie,” I said to her.
Sitting down next to me on the couch, she picked up the picture my daughter and gave it a kiss. She often did this, and it had always warmed my heart when she did it.
“I know, Rach, but we’re going to do it anyway,” she said. “I want to make sure you’re okay and not slipping into a bad place. And I want to know what happened. I couldn’t hardly understand you last night.”
“I think James and I are done.” It was all I could get out before I was a blubbering mess once again. The tears just poured out of my eyes, though I was surprised I even had any left after all the tears I had shed in the last twenty-four hours.
Sadie patted my back, “Why do you think that?” she said. “What happened?”
“Nell was being bullied at school; remember me telling you?” Once I had calmed down a bit, we could actually have a real conversation.
“Yeah, of course, I remember. What happened?”
“Well, I told her to stick up for herself,” I said. I had to pause for a moment, otherwise, I was going to start crying all over again.
“And? What’s so wrong about that?” Sadie asked, sounding very confused. She was probably feeling the same way that I was yesterday when James had me sitting in his office.
“Well, she did, in spades. She hit another child,” I said.
“Oh boy, so she hit the kid that was bullying her?” Sadie asked.
“Yep, that’s what she did, and James had to go pick her up at school. When he came back, he was furious, and he yelled at me. He told me I had no right, that I wasn’t her mother. That I had no business giving her advice, because I had no idea, because I w-wasn’t a p-parent.” I could barely get the last few words out, and once I did, I surrendered myself into another fit of hysterical sobbing.
My heart was so broken, and James didn’t even know what he had done. I didn’t even know if I could forgive him, even if he did try to come talk to me. I knew it wasn’t his fault completely; he was just trying parent his daughter the best he could on his own. He had no idea what I’d been through. Maybe if I would have told him, he wouldn’t have said it. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so cold and angry. I know at some point I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it still hurt so badly.
Sadie gave me a hug and then I agreed to get ready so we could go to lunch. She said she wasn’t letting me slip away again. I got up off the couch; I wasn’t sure how I did it, but I did. I went into the bathroom and into a hot shower. I cried the whole time I was in the shower, but quietly so Sadie wouldn’t hear. I let the sounds of the water cover it up. After that, I wiped away my tears and got myself dressed and straightened up. Finally ready, I met Sadie back in the living room.
“Shall we?” Sadie asked, heading towards the door.
I nodded my head and followed my friend outside and down to her car, then she drove to a restaurant on the other side of town. One I hadn’t been to in a very long time.
“Thank you for coming out with me,” Sadie said.
“Thank you for dragging me out,” I paused, “I guess.” That made Sadie laugh, and she gave me a kind smile. I didn’t feel much like laughing, though. Because I was telling the truth. I wasn’t certain I wanted to be out of the house. Broken-hearted, I wasn’t ready to face the world. I just wanted to sit on my couch, yet I knew I couldn’t give in to that feeling and let myself slip back into despair again. I’d made so much progress; I couldn’t just let it go.
“I’m serious, Rachel. You need this. You can’t just be moping around your house. We know that’s not going to make anything better. Do you really think you and James are breaking up?” she asked.
I shrugged, and we dropped the subject as a waiter came over to take our orders. Once we were done, he walked away, and we resumed our conversation.
“I’m really not sure, Sadie. But, I think we might be. He was so angry, and I haven’t spoken to him since. I didn’t go to work today either, so I might have lost my job as well.”
“Do you really think he would do that?” Sadie asked.
“I wouldn’t have thought so, no. But the thing is, I’m not sure now,” I said. “When this all happened, he was so different; he was so cold and angry, it was like I didn’t even know him. Then when he got so mean, and said those hateful things, it seemed like I didn’t even know him after all. If only he would have taken a moment to listen to what I had to say, maybe things would have been different.”
I cleared my throat, “How are things with you and the art guy?” I asked her.
“They’re going good. I’m seeing him again,” she said. “He works with James. Do you know him?” She asked.
“I figured it out when you were talking about the piece of art work he sold. I was at that art show, I helped set it up.” I said with a laugh.
She cringed. “I didn’t put two and two together until last night. It just hit me out of nowhere.” I laughed with her.
“I didn’t want to say anything, just in case I was wrong. He was kind of a player before, but you seemed to have changed him so much. I’m really happy for the two of you.”
She smiled at me. “Thanks, Rachel.”
We ate lunch together, which was really great, and then argued over who was going to pay the check. Finally, she took it, and I lacked the energy to chase her down. Then she drove back to my house, and as we got there, I saw a familiar car. James was waiting outside of my front door. I looked at Sadie, and she nodded her head, telling me to just go ahead.
“I’m going to leave you alone so you can talk to him,” she said. “Good luck, sweetie.
I nodded my head, told her thank you, and got out of the car. Then I made my way over to James. I didn’t want to walk over there, but I had no other choice. It was the only way I could get into my house for one thing, but I wanted to avoid him. I didn’t want to have this conversation, not now. The pain was still too fresh. But I was curious and wondered why he was there.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
I nodded my head and unlocked the front door, then the two of us went inside. He sat down on the couch.
“I am so sorry, Rachel. I had no idea. Derek, he told me about your daughter,” he said. He was looking down at his hands and didn’t even want to make eye contact with me. I could tell he was terribly upset ashamed about what he had said to me.
Fresh tears welled in my eyes, “It’s okay. You didn’t know. I should have told you by now.”
“May I ask what happened?” he asked.
I nodded my head. It was a difficult story to tell, but I knew I needed to do it. I took a deep breath, “My daughter, she had cancer. She passed away right after her first birthday,” I said quietly. I took another deep breath. This really was emotionally wearing. I hadn’t talked about it in so long, and this fight with James had brought back all the emotions.
“You don’t have to talk about it,” he said. His hand was on my back, and I hadn’t even realized it. The whole time I spoke, he had been rubbing it gently.
“But I should,” I said. “My husband, ex-husband now, he blamed me for her getting cancer, and said I didn’t do enough to help her.”
“That’s the reason you divorced?” he asked.
I nodded my head as tears began to roll down my face. James pulled me into him and held me, but it only made me cry harder. I wrapped my arms around him. It felt so good to have him holding me. I was so glad that he came by to apologize. So glad that we had this talk. But it hurt to talk about these things, and I’d never thought I would tell him. But, I guess it was a good thing that I did. These were things that he needed to know if we were going to continue to have a relationship.
“Rachel, I am so sorry. So sorry. I don’t know what to say. I was so upset about Nell and confused when she wouldn’t talk to me about it. Then when I found out she’d hit someone based on your advice, I just flipped. I’m just so sorry,” he said, the tears streaming down his face.
“I just found out today what it was all about, the bullying. I wish she would have told me.”
“Shhh, James; do you know why she didn’t want you to know? Why she swore me to secrecy? I know now that I shouldn’t have agreed to that. That was a terrible mistake, and I’m sorry.”
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