Whispered Prayers of a Girl

by Alex Grayson

  I push the thought away, not wanting the sadness that came with it. I finish with the cup and hand it over.

  “Do you enjoy working with them?” I ask.

  “I do. My grandfather raised horses, and I knew from a kid I wanted to work with them.”

  “That’s nice,” I remark and pass him a plate. “I didn’t know what I wanted to do until I was in college. It was a toss-up between a guidance counselor or a teacher.”

  “What did you choose?”

  “Teacher.”

  “What made you choose that one?”

  I smile. “I like knowing I’ll be part of shaping children’s futures, that I played a big role in who they’ll become.”

  He nods and turns quiet. We finish the rest of the dishes in silence, except this time it doesn’t feel awkward. It’s peaceful. After, I wipe down the stove and counters while Alexander feeds an excited Gigi.

  I check on the kids. Daniel’s still on the floor with the puppies, he’ll probably be there all day if I let him, and Kelsey’s on the couch. When she spots me, she gets up and walks over, holding the crossword puzzle book. The pages are curled and creased. Even knowing what she’s trying to say, I flip through the pages. They’re all done.

  “You finished already?” I ask, and of course get nothing in return. “I’m sorry, Kelsey, we don’t have another one with us. We’ll get one when we make it back to town.” Her frown is barely noticeable. “Come on, let’s go to the living room and see what’s on TV.”

  I grab her hand and lead her back to the couch. Alexander walks by and disappears down the hallway. Ten minutes later, he comes back out with a drawing pad and holds it out to Kelsey. “Maybe you could draw something,” he says, sounding unsure.

  She just stares at it for a moment, then looks up at him and hesitantly reaches her hand out. I watch the exchange, my heart jumping in my chest at the slight tilt of his lips.

  Chapter 6

  Alexander

  “Where ya going?”

  The question comes from behind me. I turn around as I’m zipping up my jacket and face Daniel. He’s holding a black puppy to his chest as he looks up at me.

  “Gotta go check on the horses,” I reply.

  His eyes get big and his mouth drops open. The surprise doesn’t last long before he’s practically bouncing on his feet. I’ve noticed since they’ve been here that the kid is hyper. The complete opposite of his sister.

  “I didn’t know you had horses!” he says excitedly. “I wanna see them! Can I come with you?”

  I glance over to the door in the kitchen that leads to a small laundry room where Gwen’s doing her and the kids’ laundry, then look back down at Daniel. With the eager way he’s watching me, there’s no way I can deny this kid, even if I wanted to. And to my surprise, I find that I don’t want to. His exuberant demeanor and honesty is refreshing.

  I’ve rarely been around kids, except for my sister Christa’s daughter, who’s only two years old. I’ve only seen the toddler twice, and both times I’ve kept my distance, the painful reminder of what I almost had keeping me from bonding with her. I’m a shit uncle and have apologized to Christa for being so. She says she understands, and I’m sure she does, but I’ve seen the look in her eyes when she’s visited those couple of times. I’ve seen the sadness lurking when I purposely put space between me and her daughter.

  I reach for my gloves and lift my chin toward the kitchen. “Go ask your mom.”

  “Yah!” he yells, then turns on his foot and runs to the kitchen.

  Just as he’s reaching for the doorknob, the door opens and out walks Gwen. He skids to a stop in front of her.

  “Whoa there, kid,” she says, holding out her hands. “What’s the rush?”

  I slip on my hat and force back a chuckle when Daniel’s words come out way too fast and sound like one long word.

  “Mr.AlexanderhashorsesandhesaidIcouldgoseethemwithim.” He pauses just long enough to take a breath. “Can I, Mom? Can I?”

  She looks over at me, and I give her a chin lift, letting her know it’s okay. Instead of answering Daniel, she walks over to me with him following her, his head tipped back, looking at her with a pleading look.

  “Are you sure it’s okay? Daniel can be… quite rambunctious at times.”

  Daniel switches his focus to me, his lips moving as he silently says please over and over again.

  “Yeah. We’ll be fine,” I tell her.

  “Yes!” Daniel screeches. He shoves the puppy into his mother’s arms and runs to grab his jacket.

  “Hat and gloves too, Daniel!” Gwen says, laughing at her son’s animated behavior.

  Once he has both on, along with his boots, Gwen stops him when he tries to pass by her. She squats down in front of him and puts the puppy on the floor between her legs. He starts waddling away immediately.

  “You listen to Mr. Alexander, you hear? And keep your hat and gloves on the whole time.” He nods rapidly with a big grin, and she zips up his coat to just below his chin.

  Before the puppy can get too far away, she scoops him up and stands. Facing me once again, she says, “Please keep a good eye on him.”

  As any mother would be, she’s worried about her child being near a large animal. I can’t fault her for that. I actually admire it. She cares a lot for her kids. Anyone can see it by the way she interacts with them and her expression when she looks at them.

  I give her a single nod, before turning around and opening the door. A blast of snowy, cold air hits my face when Daniel and I walk down the steps, but he doesn’t seem to mind. His face is still splitting in two with his happy grin.

  It’s put down a lot of snow since yesterday and it doesn’t look to be letting up. Earlier this morning, I shoveled a path from the house to the barn and one to the truck, but it’s already several inches deep again. Daniel chooses not to use the path, and instead trudges through the deep parts of the snow. It’s up to his knees and he seems to be struggling a bit, but he’s still determinedly moving forward. I slow my steps to keep pace with him.

  “How many horses do you have?” he asks, lifting his leg high and stomping it back down.

  “I’ve got two that are mine, but there’s seven in the barn.”

  “Wow!” he exclaims. “That’s a lot!”

  “Take slow steps just in case there’s something under the snow you can’t see,” I tell him when he stumbles and barely catches himself.

  “Why do you have horse that aren’t yours?”

  “Because I train them.”

  He stops for a minute, his mouth falling open in astonishment. “Really? That’s so cool!” I crack a smile at his enthusiasm.

  It’s not toasty warm like the house, but once we step inside the barn, there’s a significant change in temperature. Soft neighs come from the horses as I close the door behind us. Daniel just stands there for several seconds, taking in the few horse heads that are poking out of the stalls.

  “Can I pet one?”

  I chuckle at the pure wonderment in his tone. Walking over to the basket of apples, I grab out a couple and carry them back over to Daniel.

  “How about feeding them a treat?” I hold one out to him.

  “Can I really?” He grabs it, looks down at it a moment, then turns his excited eyes up at me.

  “Ever fed a horse an apple before?”

  “No, sir.”

  “Come on. I’ll show you how to do it.”

  I lead him over to June’s stall. She’s a black with gray spots Appaloosa. I’ve had her for eight weeks now and she’s about ready to go home to her family.

  She neighs softly and tosses her head a couple times as we walk up to her stall. Daniel stops and stares up at her, his mouth hanging open in awe.

  “This is June,” I tell him.

  June brings her head closer to Daniel, and for a minute I think he’s going to take a step back, but he doesn’t. Brave kid. Horses are big even to adults; to a child they’re enormous.

  I pe
t June along her neck and she lifts her head to me, nudging my shoulder. “Hey, girl.”

  I turn to Daniel. “Hold the apple out in your palm. Don’t grip it. Just let it rest in your hand.”

  He does as I tell him and holds the apple out. Even for a kid I barely know, his expression is priceless as he watches the horse gently take the apple from his hand. A big smile appears on his face when the horse starts crunching on the fruit.

  “Good girl,” I murmur to the horse, and run my hand up and down her muzzle and forehead.

  “That was so neat!” He turns to me. “Can we feed another one?”

  I smile down at him. “Sure.”

  Next, I lead him to Pepe, a solid brown American Azteca. The owners plan to use him as a competition horse. I’ve only had him a few weeks, but he’s taking to training very well. Again, Daniel holds out the apple in his palm and the horse nabs it with his big teeth. It’s amazing to watch the excitement that overcomes the boy’s face. I always enjoy my time with these horses, but seeing it from a kid’s point of view is something to behold.

  We feed a couple more of the horses, and with each one, Daniel’s eyes light up even more.

  He’s just given Bella an apple, when I ask, “Do you want to pet her?”

  He nods so fast it’s a wonder he doesn’t give himself whiplash. I grab him under the arms and hoist him up on my shoulders, putting him more on level with the horse. Bella nudges Daniel’s knee, bringing a giggle from him. Keeping one arm gripped on his leg, I pet Bella’s head and instruct Daniel to do the same.

  “She’s so pretty,” he remarks. “Is she one of yours?”

  “Yes. Her name is Bella.”

  “Hey, Bella,” he says, running the tip of his finger up the horse’s ear.

  “Can I ride her?”

  I glide my hand up her forehead between her eyes. “Maybe once the weather is better.”

  I’m a very private person, preferring to keep company with only myself and the horses, so my answer surprises me. I don’t like people encroaching on my personal space, but in the short time Gwen and her two kids have been here, I’ve found myself enjoying their company more and more. The thought of them possibly coming back to visit doesn’t fill me with dread like it normally would, but instead makes my chest feel lighter. I like having them around, even if it does still feel strange. It’s not a bad strange, just different. I’ve been alone for so long that having them here is… nice. And the thought of training Daniel to ride feels right, like maybe it’s something I’m supposed to do.

  I look over to the next stall when I hear a bang. Bandit pops his head out and twists to look at us. He snorts and stomps the ground.

  “What’s that horse’s name?” Daniel asks.

  “That’s Bandit. He’s one of the ones that isn’t very nice.”

  “What’s wrong with him?”

  “He’s just making it very difficult to train him,” I answer.

  “What’ll happen to him if he can’t be trained?”

  I walk over to the barrel of grain, then set Daniel on his feet. “All horses can be trained. Some are just more difficult than others and you have to spend extra time with them.” I hand him a small bucket of oats and scoop out another. “Each horse is different, so you have to alter your training routine to fit each one.”

  “Oh.” He turns and looks at Bandit, who’s tossing his head and snorting. “He’s pretty.”

  “He is.”

  Daniel and I walk over to the first stall, and I top off the oats feeder, then check to see if the water needs to be refilled or the hay replenished. We do this to the rest of the stalls. At each one, Daniel reaches out and touches the horses, a look of pure rapture on his face. When we come to Bandit’s, I tell Daniel to stand back. I’m unsure if Bandit will play nice or not, and I’m not willing to take the chance of Daniel getting hurt.

  “You ready to head back in?” I ask him once everything is back in its place.

  His shoulders droop and his face loses some of its cheerfulness. “I guess.”

  The look of disappointment doesn’t settle well with me, so I try to lighten his mood. “You can come with me when I check on them before bed.” At his excited fist pump, I tack on, “As long as your mom says it’s okay.”

  “Yes, sir.” He nods and the smile reappears on his face. I check to make sure he’s still bundled up well before we both walk back out into the cold. He once again chooses to walk in the feet-high snow instead of the path I shoveled.

  “Maybe Kelsey will come with us next time,” I suggest, and look over at him.

  He grabs a handful of snow in his gloves and smashes it into a ball.

  “Nah,” he says, tossing the snowball at a tree. “She never does anything anymore.”

  The hurt in his tone is easily heard. He misses his big sister. He may act like he’s not affected by the loss of his father, his young age making it easier, but deep down, he is. He not only lost his dad, but with how Kelsey’s detached herself so much, he lost his sister, too. Poor kid.

  “Don’t give up on her, okay?” We both stop walking and he looks over at me. “She’s still really hurt from losing your dad. It takes longer for some people to heal.” He doesn’t say anything, just keeps his eyes on me. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  He looks down for a moment, then brings his eyes back up to me and nods. “Yeah.” He sniffs and runs a snow-covered glove under his nose. “I just wish she would play with me. We used to always play games.”

  His tone and the wounded look in his eyes send shards of pain to my chest. I understand the heartache he’s going through. I walk over to him, making my way through the deep snow, and put a hand on his shoulder.

  “She’ll come around. She just needs to figure out how to let go of the pain in her heart first.”

  We both start walking again. I stay in the deep snow with him. Once we make it to the porch, we stomp our feet, trying to get the clumps of snow off our boots.

  “Can I name one of your puppies?” Daniel asks, slapping his gloves together.

  “Sure,” I answer. “Got any ideas yet?”

  “Uh-huh. I want to name the black one with the white on his face Pepper, because he looks like a Peppermint Pattie and it’s my favorite candy.”

  “That’s a good choice.”

  Right as I’m reaching for the doorknob, it’s pulled open and Gwen’s standing there. Not expecting her sudden appearance, I take a step back. Her eyes go from Daniel to me then back down to Daniel.

  “Did you have fun?” she asks, stepping back and letting us enter.

  “Yes!” Daniel says exuberantly. “I got to feed the horses apples and pet them. They were so pretty, Mom!”

  She smiles and sets to helping him unbundle. “I’m glad you had a good time. You about ready for some hot chocolate to warm up? Your hands are freezing.”

  I take my hat and gloves off and drop them in the small basket by the door, then hang my coat on the hook and start working on my boots.

  “Yeah, but can Mr. Alexander make it again?” he asks, unknowingly insulting his mother’s hot-chocolate-making skills.

  She winks at me, then feigns shock. This playful side of Gwen is intriguing to watch. I don’t tell jokes, and I don’t laugh at them. My life is very stale, and it’s the way I want it. Laughing and smiling isn’t something I do anymore, as there’s really nothing to laugh and smile about, but since she’s been around, I find myself wanting to. She and her kids have brought a sliver of light back into my life in the short time I’ve known them. I didn’t think it was possible, and I’m not entirely sure I want it to continue, but right now, I’m enjoying it too much to wish it away.

  “What’s wrong with my cocoa?” Gwen asks, playfully throwing her hands on her hips and narrowing her eyes at her son.

  He reaches out and pats one of her hands, saying with a serious tone, “Yours is still good, Mom.” He uses his pointer finger and thumb and puts them so close they’re almost touching. “But I
like his a tiny bit more.”

  Gwen laughs, and before I realize it, I’m chuckling with her. She looks over at me when I do, and I use the excuse of grabbing my phone from my coat pocket so I don’t see the expression on her face. Her shock is apparent, which doesn’t really surprise me. I know I put off a serious vibe, maybe even an asshole one at times. Even to my own ears, the laugh sounds weird coming from me.

  “Would you mind making more of your delicious hot chocolate?” she asks, unable to hide her uncertainty.

  I push away the strange feelings she’s provoking in me and turn to face her.

  “Yeah. I can do that.”

  My voice sounds rough, so I clear my throat before making my way to the kitchen. Daniel’s already on the floor again with the puppies. I’m surprised but pleased to see Gigi up on the couch, her head only inches away from Kelsey. She’s trying her best to ignore the dog, but her head keeps tilting toward her. Maybe Gigi can be of help with unleashing some of the pain Kelsey harbors.

  I gather the necessary ingredients and set to making hot chocolate. It’s a recipe my mom used when I was a kid. My mom was never the type to buy already prepared food. She made everything from scratch. She also made sure her kids knew how to cook.

  Gwen steps up beside me as I heat the milk in a saucepan.

  “Thank you for taking him with you. He doesn’t get the chance very often to spend time with a man and he needs that.”

  I look at her out the corner of my eye, and see her running her finger over a scratch on the counter surface.

  “It was no problem. He’s a good kid.”

  She nods. “He is. I hate knowing he’s not getting the experiences and advice he needs from his dad.”

  Her voice trails off, and I glance over at her. She’s looking at the wall ahead of her. There’s nothing there, so I know she’s in her own head, probably remembering something about her husband, or maybe silently wishing he was still here. It’s already painful that she lost her husband, but having to raise two kids on her own, knowing they’ll never see their dad again…. I can’t imagine the pain.

  “Seems like he’s doing okay to me,” I say, attempting to make her feel better. I don’t like knowing she’s in pain, which is strange for me, because it’s been a long time since I’ve really cared about how someone else feels.