by Alex Grayson
I pull back and look into his eyes. “No matter how you may see yourself, I see a great and wonderful man standing in front of me right now.”
His brows lower into a frown as he looks down at me. His hands flex against my scalp, and I watch a war rage in his eyes. A minute later, he gives his head a small shake and he unlocks his fingers from around the back of my head. Disappointment and a fierce burn settle in my stomach when he takes a step back, both mentally and physically putting distance between us. He’s pushing himself away from me.
I’m forced to let go of his shirt, and I drop my head to hide the hurt his rejection causes. I force air into my lungs and try to compose my face before looking up at him. I can tell he doesn’t like his decision any more than I do.
“I’m sorry.” His Adam’s apple bobs.
My smile is sad. “I know.”
We stand in the kitchen silently for a moment, before I force myself to turn away from him. I grab my keys, which I dropped on the counter when I got here.
“I should go. My friend Emma has the kids and we’re due to go out to Jeremy and Mrs. Peggy’s house this evening. I still need to get the puppy settled in before we leave.”
I feel rather than hear him walk up behind me. I hold my breath and close my eyes, hoping he’ll touch me again, but he doesn’t. Instead, he just stands there. I feel his breath against the back of my neck. I close my eyes, wishing he’d lean closer.
“I’ve got a crate on the porch you can use for the pup,” he says.
Not waiting on a response from me, he walks out the front door. I look around the house one more time, hoping the pain of not being here anymore will go away soon. Seeing Pepper curled up on the floor by the couch, I walk over to her. I squat down and the rest of the puppies come bounding over, with Gigi trotting behind them. I give each a pat on the head and Gigi a rub and kiss on the tip of her nose before scooping up the runt.
Careful to not let the other puppies through the door, I slip outside and close it behind me. Alexander has the small crate sitting on the railing of the porch, and I approach him. I slip the puppy inside and he closes the latch. Without a word, he picks up the crate and we both walk to my truck. The further away from the house I get, the more it feels like I can’t breathe properly. In the short time the kids and I were here, it became our home. I know it has more to do with the owner of the cabin than the cabin itself.
I open the passenger-side door and he sets the crate inside, then slides the seat belt across it to secure it better. The act makes me smile. He even worries about the puppy being safe.
Once he’s done, he closes the door and turns toward me. I desperately want to reach out to him, and I know he wants to do the same. I can see it in the stiff way he’s holding his body, like he’s forcing himself back. I wish he would give in.
“Thank you,” I say softly.
“You’re welcome. Tell the kids I said hi and Merry Christmas.”
“I will.”
It takes everything in me to force my legs to move to the other side of the car. He doesn’t follow me, and I wonder if it’s because if he does he won’t let me go, or he’s worried he’ll snatch me in his arms and kiss me one last time. I don’t think I’ve ever wished for anything more to happen than I do that.
We stare at each other for a moment from over the top of the truck. My keys dig in my hand so hard I worry it might break the skin.
“Goodbye, Alexander.”
His jaw is tense when he says, “Goodbye, Gwendolyn.”
For as long as I remember, everyone has called me Gwen. This is the second time he’s used my full name, and I have to admit, I love the way it sounds when he says it.
I give one last smile before opening the door and climbing inside. I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth before starting my truck. Looking out the passenger-side window, all I can see is his torso and arms. As much as I want to see his face again, I know it’s best that I don’t.
“You ready to go home, girl?” I ask the puppy beside me, putting my finger through the slats and rubbing a tuft of fur.
The yard is big enough that I don’t need to back up, so I put the vehicle in drive and pull away. I make the mistake of looking into the rearview mirror and see Alexander still standing there, watching me drive away.
At first, it’s just one tear that falls, but it’s quickly followed by several more. How is it that one man I hardly know can affect me so strongly? It’s not just me though. I know he’s had an impact on Daniel and Kelsey’s lives as well.
As soon as his house is no longer in view, I pull over on the side of the road and let the tears fall, knowing I need to get this out of my system before I get home.
Chapter 12
Alexander
Later that night, I lie in bed with sweat drenching my body and my muscles tensed. The sheet, covering me from the waist down, is tangled in my legs, and I kick the damp cloth away.
I just woke from a dream. One that I’ve had before, but still leaves me gasping for breath every fucking time. It was of me watching my wife and little girl die. I fucking watched them die and did nothing to stop it. I heard the screams and cries and pleas, but still did nothing. I remembered the heat and the smell of my flesh melting, but the pain of that doesn’t compare to the pain of watching my family die right in front of me. In tonight’s dream, the screams and cries were louder, filling every part of my soul. Even now, as I lie here, I hear the echo of them. Tomorrow is Christmas and the day after will mark four years they’ve been gone.
I shift on the bed and a wave of vanilla scent filters through the air. Without looking, I grab the second pillow beside me and bring it to my nose, then breathe in deep. I’ve washed the sheets but not the pillowcases yet. They smell like Gwen and I’m not ready to wash away her scent yet. It’s fucking pathetic, but I don’t give a damn. Every single night, when I lie down, I grab her pillow. It helps with the dark places my mind likes to wander to as I’m trying to drift off to sleep. I don’t lie on the pillow because I don’t want my scent to override hers. It sounds creepy as fuck, but damned if I’ll stop. I know eventually the scent will fade, and I’ll have to wash the pillowcase, but until that time comes, I’ll keep it right here beside me.
I cling to the pillow tighter, using it as a shield to ward off the memories wanting to force their way into my mind. For once, I don’t want to remember my ultimate failure. I want them to stay hidden in the back of my mind and let the memory of touching Gwen, kissing her, feeling her warm skin against mine and the soft strands of her hair between my fingers, come forward.
I think back to earlier today when I told her I wanted to know what it felt like to kiss her. I only meant to lay my lips against hers for a brief moment, but when she opened her lips and offered me her tongue, there was no way I wasn’t taking it. She tasted so damn sweet, like cotton candy and cake rolled into one. I knew before my lips even touched hers that she would taste good, feel so damn good, but fuck if I knew it would be as amazing as it was. I wanted to devour her mouth and never come up for air. I wanted to kiss her and kiss her until she begged me to stop.
I roll to my side, taking the damn pillow with me like some lovesick fool. My eyes land on my phone on the nightstand. The lateness of the hour is the only thing keeping me from grabbing it and sending her a message. Earlier, when she got out of her car and looked around, I sat on the porch and just took her in before making my presence known. She looked so pretty standing there, like something fresh and beautiful, and it took my damn breath away. I could look at her for hours.
When she heard the creak of the chair as I stood, and our eyes met, I tensed, ready to stalk to her and pull her into my arms. I was surprised at the need to touch her, taste her. When she was here during the snowstorm, the need gradually grew, but I was able to ignore it. But as she stood there staring at me, that need slammed into me like a freight train. Then, when she walked up the steps and stood before me, it took every bit of strength I had to keep away
from her.
I lost the will to fight when she came to me when I burned myself. The hot soup didn’t really hurt. The curse slipped past my lips more out of habit than any real pain. I’m used to not having much feeling in my hand, or the rest of the right side of my body, so when she touched me and I felt it, really felt it, the need to feel it again overrode my need to keep away from her. Then when she looked at me with eyes that held so many emotions, need being one of them, I knew right then I wouldn’t be able to hold back. I only needed her permission, and when she gave it, I took what I had been dying to have, even knowing I had no right to want it.
It hurt so fucking much to touch her, even at the same time it felt like heaven. The kiss didn’t last near as long as I wanted it to, but way longer than it should have. It’s better for everyone if Gwen stays far away from me. I can’t take the chance of my darkness marring her life.
Taking one last deep breath into the pillow, I let it go, and I swear my heart fractures. I sit up and swing my legs to the side. There’s no way I’ll be able to get to sleep again tonight unless I wear my body out to exhaustion. Getting up, I pull on a pair of jogging pants and make my way to the utility room, the click-clack of Gigi’s nails on the floor following me.
I flick on the light, then head straight for the weight bench, while Gigi goes over to her pups and gives them a few sniffs, her motherly instincts forcing her to check on them. I don’t use the weight bench as often as I like, getting most of my workout through working with and caring for the horses.
An hour later, my body is finally worn out and sweat drips down the sides of my face. I know I’ve pushed myself too far when I feel pain in my lower back. Since the accident, I can’t do near as much as I could before.
I sit on the floor, my knees drawn up with my elbows resting on them. My eyes land on the motorcycle, and I remember Gwen’s words from earlier.
“I didn’t take you for the type of guy that rides motorcycles.”
I smile. There are a lot of things Gwen doesn’t know about me. But then again, there are a lot of things about me that are different than they used to be. Back when Clara was alive, and before she got pregnant, we would take at least one day a week and just ride. She’d sit behind me with her arms encircling my waist and we’d let the road take us wherever it wanted to. When she got pregnant, those trips stopped, and I haven’t been back on the bike since. I was actually thinking the other day about selling it, but now that Gwen’s shown interest, the thought isn’t as appealing. And that’s trouble, because I don’t need to think about Gwen being on the back of the bike with me. I don’t need to think about Gwen at all, but it’s impossible to stop.
I get up and Gigi and I leave the room. The pups push their way through the door behind us, and I’m just too damn tired to fight with them. Hopefully the house won’t be destroyed come morning.
I stop and grab a glass out of the cabinet for some water. Spotting the bottle of Jameson, I grab it and set it on the counter. The need to drink away the memories of Clara and Rayne and Gwen has me opening the bottle and pouring a couple inches in the glass. I turn and lean back against the counter.
I’m lifting the glass to my lips when my eyes land on the notebook with the crossword puzzles in it. I meant to give it to Gwen earlier, along with the small box of carved wooden animals and the earrings. But then I kissed her and all thoughts of anything other than the taste of her lips fled my mind.
I lower the glass, suddenly not wanting it. I pour the whiskey down the drain, rinse the glass, then refill it with water.
I run through the shower, ignoring my body when it comes to life as images of Gwen pop into my head. I glare down at my dick when it begs for attention as I lie down in bed and vanilla hits me again. I think about tossing the pillow across the room, but I know I’ll only get up to grab it again in a few minutes. It’s like I’ve become addicted to the smell.
I grab my phone to check the time.
One thirty.
It’s Christmas morning.
And just like clockwork, pain grips me in its tight fist. So it begins….
Chapter 13
Gwendolyn
I watch with a smile as the kids open the gifts that Emma and her grandmother bought them. They opened their gifts from me and the ones Will’s parents sent this morning when they got up. Pepper was a huge hit, especially for Daniel.
Now we’re at Emma’s grandmother’s house. Daniel squeals in delight when he tears away the paper from his last gift. It’s a new video game. He jumps to his feet and rushes over to Emma, throwing his arms around her waist. Pepper follows him and sits at his feet.
“Thank you, Aunt Emma!” he says, grinning big.
“You’re welcome, buddy.” She ruffles his hair and winks.
I look over to Kelsey and see her opening her gifts at a much slower rate. She doesn’t bounce around and hoot and holler like her brother does with each gift, but I know she’s still grateful, she just doesn’t show it.
I get up from the couch and sit down beside her. She’s holding a new Kindle in her hand. Besides her crossword puzzles, Kelsey loves to read, something I’m glad she’s into.
“Do you like it?” I ask, looking down at her.
She lifts her head and meets my eyes. Her nod is small and barely seen. She used to have a Kindle until she accidently dropped it a month ago and the screen started turning purple. She never asked for another, something I didn’t expected from her because she never asks for anything like normal kids do, but I planned to buy her another one anyway. When I told Emma about it over the phone, she asked if she could get it for her instead. Of course, Emma had to go all out and get the newest model.
I wrap my arm around her shoulder and pull her to me, then kiss the top of her head. She rests her head against my shoulder for several moments before pulling away.
Releasing a sigh, I get up and start stuffing the trash into a bag, then carry it into the kitchen. Noticing a few dirty dishes on the counter and feeling the need to do something, I decide to take care of them. I’m rinsing a plate and putting it in the dishwasher when I feel a presence beside me.
“What’s wrong with you today?” Emma asks, handing me another plate.
I look up, not altogether surprised by her question, but also not prepared for it either.
“Nothing.” I play dumb. “Why do you ask?”
She looks at me, telling me with her eyes that she’s not falling for the act.
“Come on, Gwen. You’ve been awfully quiet since you got here. What’s going on with you?”
I grab the dish towel and dry my hands. I plop it down on the counter, then turn to face her.
“I’m worried about him,” I admit quietly.
Her brow wrinkles in confusion. “Who?”
I keep my eyes on her when I say, “Alexander.”
Recognition dawns and she comes to stand beside me.
“I didn’t realize you cared for him this much.”
“I’m not sure what I feel for him, but the thought of him out there all alone on Christmas doesn’t sit well with me.” I turn my head and let Emma see the pain on my face. “He blames himself for what happened to his family.”
“But why would he—”
“I don’t know. I’ve told him that it wasn’t his fault and he says I would think differently if I knew the whole story.” I stare off across the kitchen. “I may not know him that well and don’t know exactly what happened, but Emma….” I look back at her. “A man that treats my kids the way he treated mine would not just let his family die without doing something.”
She nods her agreement. “I’ve only met him a few times while visiting Gram, but he always seemed like a nice and caring guy.”
I turn back to the sink and grab a rag, then start wiping down the counter.
“The kids miss him,” I tell her quietly.
“I don’t think it’s only the kids that miss him.”
A smile forms on my face. “No, not just the kids.�
�� I stop for a moment, then reveal, “We kissed yesterday.”
I look over when Emma doesn’t respond, to find a big grin on her face.
“I knew something had to of happened between you,” she says smugly. “How was it?”
I let out a breathy sigh. “It was short, but one of the best kisses I’ve ever had.” I drop my head, a blush forming on my face when I remember the feel of his lips against mine. “I feel like such a schoolgirl with her first crush. I don’t know how to do the whole dating and flirting thing.”
“Not much has changed since you and Will started dating. I’m pretty sure it all works the same way.”
There’s laughter in her tone, but the mention of Will brings on a touch of pain. I always thought he and I would be together forever. We’d have kids that we would love and watch them grow up, then watch them have kids of their own. We were supposed to grow old together.
When she sees that her words did the opposite to her intention, she takes the rag from me and tosses it in the sink. Grabbing my hand, she turns me to face her.
“Gwen, you know that Will would want you to move on, right?”
I nod. “I know. It’s just….” I stop and take a deep breath. “For such a long time, it’s been hard to imagine a life without him, but when I think about Alexander, it isn’t as hard anymore.” I blink away the tears wanting to break free, guilt gripping my chest.
Emma, knowing me all too well, knows exactly what I’m thinking. “It’ll always hurt when you think about Will not being in your life anymore, but it’s normal to get past that pain enough to move on. He’ll always be a part of your life, you’ll always love him, but you’ve got enough love in you to give it to someone else as well. He’d want you to find someone to take his place and make you happy, to treat his kids as if they were his own. From what you’ve told me so far, Alexander may be that man.”
“I’m not sure he wants to be that man. I’m not even sure if I want him to be that man. We know nothing about each other.”